Home on the Range

Happy 2nd Birthday Caleb!

2012-01-22T18:18:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

Washington Vacation: Days 5-6

2012-01-14T17:45:00.001-06:00

Day 5 - Monday, October 24th, 2011

Our second night in WA was spent in Ocean Shores, a touristy town on the Pacific Ocean. We were there during the off-season, which in my opinion, made it especially enjoyable. Our hotel room (another Guest House Inn and Suites) was the biggest one on our trip and definitely our favorite, with lots of room to move around and a beautiful view of the ocean right outside our window. We got there late and only stayed the one night, so we didn't get to enjoy it as much as we could have.

the view out our hotel room window

our room (plenty of beds and room to move)

When planning this trip, we made the decision to move every night. Because we wanted to see so much of the state, this was the only way to make it happen. We woke Monday morning, got ready, ate breakfast, and got down to the beach as soon as we could. We had to walk about 1/2 mile on trails through a brushy area to get down to the ocean. The weather was WONDERFUL - of course, I'm the type that loves when it's cool enough to wear layers, but not necessarily need a jacket - and the sun was shining.

Our cute toddler at breakfast (love that off center toothy grin!)

Walking about 1/2 mile down to the beach through this brushy area

Yes, I did go on the trip too as evidenced by a rare self photo

Seeing the Pacific Ocean (or any ocean for that matter for Elijah and Caleb) for the first time

Always remembering our sweet girl

Sharky's

We hung out at the beach for awhile, taking lots of pictures and video, writing Felicity's name in the sand, getting a little wet, finding the exoskeletons of many crabs and a few shells. Then we walked back towards the hotel, made a quick stop at Sharky's (tourist trap!), and then back to the hotel to pack up. We left Oceans Shores around 10:30 or so. We had about 170 miles to travel - all the way to Port Angeles, with plans to stop a few times. Caleb fell asleep right away, so we decided to put on as many miles as week could while he was sleeping. The boys were entertained by listening to Jonathan Park on cd while Caleb slept. The scenery was beautiful as we were alternately in woods then right along the Pacific coast. As lunchtime neared, it was beginning to be apparent that we wouldn't be finding any place to eat anytime soon. It was really remote where we were which even required ALL of us not wearing diapers to relieve ourselves in the beauty of God's creation.

Finally we got to a gas station and Paul purchased an emergency loaf of bread and some 'meat' masquerading as salami. The cashier had told him that there was a lodge a few miles ahead with a restaurant, but it wasn't until we got there, that we knew we had hit the jackpot for food. Kalaloch Lodge (and cabins) were beautifully situated in a small cove opening right up to the ocean. Not only was the food yummy, but the view was spectacular. After lunch and a major diaper blowout, we headed down to the beach. It was so much prettier than Ocean Shores, with trees all along the beach rather than hotels.

The view from our table inside the restaurant

Down at the beach, looking towards shore (the water was really moving in and out)

An even prettier place for photos of Felicity's name in the sand
The view looking south

There was lots of dead fall along the beach and the boys even found a shelter that had been made out of the trees.
We could've stayed there all day, playing and exploring. Paul wandered way out into the water as it was receding and climbed on the rocks out there.

Finally we decided to leave because not far up the coast was our next stop: the HOH National Rainforest, where we planned on doing some hiking before the final leg of the car trip to Port Angeles.

Unfortunately, we didn't arrive in the rainforest until almost 4pm, not anticipating the long drive from the main road into the forest itself. It was worth it though, even though we only stayed an hour and a half. Being that it was the end of the day and we were in a rainforest, it was quite dark (thankful for a flash on my camera or my pictures wouldn't have turned out)

Towards the edge of part of the rainforest, we found a river bed that we weren't able to cross, but explored nonetheless. We were hoping to see some elk, but didn't. A couple that we cross paths with while walking, saw a herd of about 10. I was slightly glad we didn't see any as there were signs about not getting too close as the bull elks could charge.

We were back in the car about 5:15 and trying to get to our hotel before it got too late. This involved fast food for supper and still we arrived past 8:30. We stayed at the Olympic Lodge, which was by far the ritziest of the hotels we stayed at. I forgot to get a picture of the room, but the lobby photo shows that it was no Super 8 Motel.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

The Olympic Lodge didn't have continental breakfast, it was that nice (ha!) and we opted not to pay $8.95 for 2 organic eggs at the lodge restaurant, so we ate yogurt and applesauce for breakfast in the room, while we hurriedly got ready. We wanted to catch an early-ish ferry across Puget Sound from Port Townsend, rather than driving back through Tacoma, Olympia, and Seattle. Taking the ferry would save us about 4 hours of extra driving. Our next leg of our trip was going to take us back east.

Arriving at the ferry dock

2nd to last car on - whew!

Goodbye, Port Townsend (what little we saw of you was nice!)
Inside the ferry

The ferry ride was pretty cool. The ferry itself was HUGE and immaculate. The ride took about 30 minutes and we docked on Whidbey Island. From there, we could drive the rest of the way across Puget Sound as there we bridges over the water. We had plans the following day to meet a realtor in Omak (north central WA) and look at some property he had for sale.

Once back to the mainland, we would be driving through the Northern Cascade Mountain range. It was beautiful, but the drive was dampened by my car sickness. I didn't actually get sick, just felt icky the whole drive. We made stops again for bathroom breaks a la nature, but little else. Again the drive took longer than we anticipated.

A beautiful snow-capped peak in the distance

We ended up spending the night in Winthrop, a small western-themed town. It kind of felt like a different world after being near the ocean and the rainforest the day before. Washington is unique in that is has 4 very different ecosystems: ocean, rainforest, mountain, and desert. We stayed at a tiny motel in a tiny room, but it was warm and w/o bedbugs, plus we ate a unique little restaurant with delicious food, so it worked out.

To be continued......

Washington State Trip Days 1-4

2011-12-20T16:25:00.001-06:00

In October, we took a family trip to Washington state. We went on the amtrak train which was quite the adventure.

Day 1 - Thursday, Oct. 20th, 2011
We got on the train late on the night of the 20th. I think our departure time was supposed to be 11:15 pm, but we didn't pull out of the station until 11:45 or so. We rented the family sleeper suite. Suite is an exaggeration. The room measured 5'2" by 9'5" and that was with the beds up. With the beds (two lower and two upper berths) down there was enough room for one person to be standing. It was small and old, but we had chosen this method of traveling for the experience. As soon as we got on the train, we tried to get settled and to sleep. The boys were excited so going to sleep wasn't the easiest thing to do. The first few hours were spent shivering as our car was super cold (and blowing right on my head) and we couldn't get the heat to work or anyone attend to it (shout out to having an old train car). Finally they seemed to figure it out and we got some sleep.

Day 2 - Friday, Oct. 21, 2011
We got up fairly early which was expected with children and the fact that they started announcing stops again sometime around 6:30 a.m. Since we purchased a sleeping car fare (which was essentially the same cost as flying or the cost of driving - with meals, gas, hotels, wear and tear on the vehicle, etc.), all of our meals were included, so we headed up to the dining car early. We were able to order whatever we wanted off the menu and breakfast was a good meal to eat on the train.

We were in the western part of North Dakota by then, I think and while the scenery wasn't thrilling, Paul and the boys did see a female moose. After breakfast, Paul and I took showers, which was an interesting experience - it was actually not as bad as I anticipated and cleaner than the toilets. (FYI - there is one shower in each sleeping car and about 4 bathrooms. The sleeping car can hold approximately 20-25 people, I think.) We spent most of the day in our sleeping car. We had brought the dvd player for the boys and in between meals, naps, getting off the train at a couple of stops to walk around, and dealing with my motion sickness, the day went fairly quickly and we were all ready for bed early after such an late night the night previous.

Day 3
We woke up while it was still dark and we were in the mountains. At breakfast we were in a long tunnel and when we finally got out, we were in the Cascade Mountain range. It was overcast and rainy so we couldn't see much. We were scheduled to be in Seattle at 1o:15. Soon after getting out of the moutains, the train track was right along Puget Sound. This was everyone's first view of the Pacific Ocean (except Paul who is more well-traveled than the rest of us) and there were some cool sights. With our impending arrival, we were getting VERY anxious to be off the train.

Seattle's train station is interesting. There is NO parking other than a few spaces for loading and unloading. With four large bags, three car seats, plus backpacks and such, we were full loaded. We hoped the car rental place would pick us up with a van so we could all go get our rental car, but that was not the case. So Paul went as much luggage as he could, while the boys and I and the rest of our stuff hung out at the train station. Once Paul got back with the rental car, we were off. It was lunch (Jack in the Box - nothing to get excited about) in the car so Caleb could nap. We headed towards Kelso where our first night's hotel was. The plan was to spend the rest of day getting to the hotel with maybe some sightseeing. The following day we would visit Mount St. Helens.

On the way to Kelso, we stopped to get me some coffee and saw a sign for a Mt. St. Helen's visitors center. Coming from MN, visitor's centers in state parks and such are nice and usually free. This visitor's center was nice, but not free and was not really catering to the ages of our children, so after using the (free) restrooms, we took the trail there which gave us a nice view of Silver Lake. It was an overcast day so there was no view of Mt. St. Helens. (The volcano itself was 30 miles away), but the trail was nice and it felt wonderful to walk after being cooped up on the train for so long.

Caleb - 21 months old today!

After that it was not much farther to our hotel. It was a Guesthouse Inn and Suites, a place we have never stayed at before and it was nice. When we book hotel rooms, we always try for a king size bed since Caleb sleeps with us and a sofa sleeper for Ethan and Elijah. This room actually had a king size bed and a separate bedroom with bunk beds for the boys. I personally enjoyed sleeping on the train (I had the biggest bed on the train too, since I shared with Caleb), but it was nice to be able to sleep in a real bed again. (Side note: we ALWAYS check for bed bugs at hotels before we bring our luggage in. While we've never found any, we have relatives who have experienced them and know that we do not want to go through what they've been through.)

After getting settled (read boys running, jumping, and generally being wild), we went to supper at Bonanza (a restaurant we used to have in MN). We bought a GPS especially for our trip and it was nice to have it in order to find things like restaurants and such, but it's hard to know if you're going to like what you choose. Bonanza wasn't bad, per say, but it wasn't good enough for what we paid.

Day 4 - Sunday, October 23, 2011

Who doesn't love a free continental breakfast - certainly not us! After breakfast, we packed up (we stayed in different locales every night, so each morning, there was lots of packing to do!) and headed out. Mt. St. Helen's was only 30 miles away, but there were many sights around it to see. It was another really cloudy day, but we were still hoping to see a lot. First we drove up to Ape Cave. We only had one quick view of the mountain on the way there, but it was not the eruption side and we only saw it for a moment as we were driving. Ape Cave is the longest lava tube known in North America. It was formed after the eruption of Mt. St. Helen's 2,500 years ago. It is basically a pitch black cave that dead ends after about 3/4 of a mile. (Oh, and it is VERY wet!) Armed with only a few small flashlights, we braved the blackness.

I attempted to get a photo after we climbed down the steps and peered into the entrance, but it was too dark. You literally go from daylight to pitch blackness.

Here is a view right looking back up the stairs that we came down.

There are two cave walking options to choose from: easy or hard. Easy is still fairly difficult, but at least we didn't have to scale any 8ft tall lava boulders. (Paul would've tried it!) It was hard enough walking through the easy part, but it was still quite the experience. We didn't even go all the way to the end. At some parts the ceiling was only 8-10 feet high and in other parts it had to have been 30-40 ft.

Here's Paul and Caleb coming back out after our hike through the cave and back. (There wasn't anything telling us why the cave is called Ape Cave, but I looked it up online when we got home and what I found out was quite interesting.)

Afterwards, we ate sandwiches in the car before heading to lava canyon. There's a state park that you can drive through and see various areas that were impacted by the recent eruption 20 years ago. Hiking through Lava Canyon was one of our favorite parts of the trip. It was beautiful, even as cloudy as it was. And walking the suspension bridge was so cool!

lava flow

The beginning of the Lava Canyon Hike.

It was a great day, with an unfortunate ending. After leaving Lava Canyon Park, we were going to head up to an observation area about 20 miles away, hoping to still get closer to the volcano and to see the eruption side. The roads there were twisting and winding and up and down and Caleb was trying to fall asleep for a late nap, when he woke up, started fussing, and then projectile vomited all over.

We all handled it quite well. We were able to pull over right away and get him and his car seat out and somewhat cleaned up (as most parents know, vomit requires a great deal of clean up and still things will smell). A park service ranger even pulled over, but failed to even get out of his vehicle when we mentioned vomit. It was late already - past 4 and we still had to drive over 100 miles to get to Ocean Shores, where we had a reservation for that night. So we skipped any further site seeing and drove to Ocean Shores. We arrived late, past 8 and everyone was exhausted. Thankfully that was Caleb's only vomit incident and it was obviously a car sick thing, not illness. Paul put the whole car seat in the shower, took it all apart, and then washed it in the on-site laundry at the hotel. We had brought an old car seat because of traveling on the train and such and it was a blessing. The pullover part had kept the vomit from going all over the car. We were so glad to be out of the car after a long day and our hotel was AMAZING!

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Merry Christmas 2011

2011-12-18T16:26:00.004-06:00

Merry Christmas! We are so thankful for another year of health and happiness! We hope and pray that you and yours are healthy and happy also. Life may be hard at times, but God is always good!

It’s been another busy year for us. We continue to make improvements and additions to “the farm.” This year we added 2 hives of honeybees, about 20,000 bees. They are currently doing okay. Other than a taste (YUM!), we were not able to harvest any honey this year, which is standard for first year hives. It was a tough year for bees in general because of our very wet spring. Honey costs have gone up because of that, so we’re hoping for a decent harvest in 2012. Paul and my dad built a lean-to to protect the hives from the wind and weather. We also purchased a new batch of chickens this year, all about 10 weeks old each. We thought we were getting 9 hens and 1 rooster, but the summer would hold some surprises for us as one of our hens turned out to be a rooster. We quickly found out that 2 roosters is too many, especially when one becomes the “attack rooster.” He was butchered in October and provided enough meat for a couple of pots of stew. We lost two of our hens after a storm overturned the chicken coop in early August, but acquired a stray hen this fall. So we’ve currently got 7 hens and 1 rooster.

Caleb is 22 months old and a bundle of energy and enthusiasm. His vocabulary is increasing daily and I’m often surprised by what comes out of his mouth. He has learned to climb and run and get into trouble much quicker than his brothers did at this age. We are so thankful for all the joy he has brought to our lives.

Elijah turned 5 in August and began homeschool kindergarten. He is quickly learning to read and shows quite an aptitude for math especially. He loves to follow Paul around and help him with tasks. His sense of humor is quite entertaining and he is constantly telling everyone that he loves them. We appreciate his affection and desire to help.

Ethan turned 9 in July and started 4th grade. We continue to homeschool him and it has been such a blessing for us all. He’s becoming a very independent learner and has developed interests in iron ore boats, shipwrecks, and drama. With Paul’s help designing and building his car, he won 1st place at the AWANA grand prix in March, even setting a new track record for speed. He also spent lots of time this spring catching minnows in our ditch. Due to the benevolence of my aunt, Ethan started piano lessons in May and is doing very well. Both boys are involved in a homeschool co-op and are able to participate in more individualized classes. They also were able to spend 5 days with my parents in Copper Harbor, MI. Both boys have developed some archery skills this year thanks to my dad and Paul.

In October, we traveled to Washington state on the train. It was quite the adventure with all three boys. We spent two nights and a day getting there (in a sleeping car). While there we visited Mount St. Helen’s, walked through Ape Cave - North America’s longest lava tube, hiked through Lava Canyon, played at a couple of beaches on the Pacific Ocean, drove through the Cascade Mountains, hiked in a rainforest, and made a lot of memories before taking the train back home a week later. It was a great trip and we hope the boys remember it for a long time.

When Paul’s not working hard at Honeywell, he’s working hard at home. Not many days go by without me thanking God for him and his skills. He spent a day this fall moving ~6,000 lbs. of a mill and lathe (from work that were “scrap”) into our garage to set up in order to build things with the boys. He is such a good dad and husband. I retired from La Leche League this summer after almost 5 years of being a leader. There was a dwindling need for it in this area, though I continue to use what I’ve learned to help friends in a casual way. In October, both Paul and I stepped down from our positions at our church in order to start a new venture….starting a house church. This is something we’d been feeling God’s leading towards for quite some time. We really feel the need to have a truly family-integrated worship. We are starting slowly, but have already felt the blessings of doing this. We would appreciate prayers as we figure out how God would have us proceed.

Praying Jesus is at the center of your Christmas this year,
Paul, Rachel, Ethan , Elijah, and Caleb

A Day In the Life: Felicity's 3rd Birthday 10/6/11

2011-12-12T15:14:00.000-06:00

HURRAY FOR ME FINALLY FINISHING AND POSTING THIS! (written to encourage myself to be a better blogger.)

6:31 a.m. - I find myself awake with Caleb (20 months) still snoozing next to me (he co-sleeps with us). I usually don't wake up this early unless he's awake already, but then I realize what time it is and I'm transported back to three years earlier. I would've just been about to enter the birthing tub with Felicity being born just 10 minutes later. I continue to lay in bed thinking about her and that traumatic day. It's difficult to reconcile the beauty of my only daughter with the shock and sadness that was her birth.

***On a side note, I just want to state that I continue to support moms and midwives in homebirth. For the majority of moms and babies it continues to be the safest place for babies to be born. I know that my daughter did not die because she was born at home.

6:40 a.m. - I get up, start some coffee, and reflect on the quiet that is my home. It truly is a rare occurence to wake up before any of the boys. I glance out my kitchen window to see the beginning of a beautiful sunrise. I process in my own thoughts that while I still miss and long for Felicity, it's rather impossible to feel grief anymore when I'm surrounded by such hope. (Remember that sadness and grief are different, with grief being much more intense.)

7:00 a.m. - Caleb walks into the kitchen and I immediately note (after thinking how cute he is) that he has obviously had a diaper issue. His whole belly area is wet. I grab him, change him, and go to assess the damage to our bed. The sheets and mattress pad are soaked. I strip the bed of everything and go downstairs to start washing the mattress pad. While this busyness in going on, I pray and thank God that I have a toddler to pee all over my sheets. He is such a joy to our family. I truly can't imagine fully processing the death of a baby without having another baby soon in your arms.

7:15 a.m. - We begin the breakfast process. As we are a non-cereal eating family (there are some exceptions!), breakfast is usually homemade granola for Ethan (9), peanut butter homemade toast for Elijah (5, with an additional side of fruit or yogurt some days), and whatever I think Caleb might eat well that morning (usually being something he hasn't eaten much of in the last 24 hours.) He is an interesting kid when it comes to food. One meal he will love what we eat and then if I offer it to him again the next day, he will totally refuse it.

7:30 a.m. - I shower while the boys eat. My mom is coming over to join us for a day of fun to celebrate Felicity. I'm not sure what time she'll be arriving, but I'd like to get an early start on the day.

8:45 a.m. - Everyone is dressed and pretty much ready to go. Boys are doing a few minimal chores and watching Caleb, while I go assess the laundry situation. I discover that somehow our mattress pad has shredded sometime during the washing/drying process. I'm quite confounded. I go upstairs to do a quick search on amazon for mattress covers. If we get to a Target or Walmart, I want to be prepared to compare prices and quality with what's on amazon. (Side note: I love amazon.com - I purchase many things through their subscribe and save program especially.)

9:15 a.m. - Gramma arrives to the delight of all the children. (Another sidenote: I love my mom and her devotion to my children. They are her only grandchildren and she thoroughly immerses herself in grandparenting them.)

9:30 a.m. - We head out the door. We're going to Stillwater. It's a great MN town, full of fun and quaintness. Our first stop is Aamodt's Apple Orchard.

10:30 a.m. - We arrive after a beautiful drive, despite Caleb's fussiness at times. As we pulled into the apple orchard, both my mom and I recognize it as a place we went cross-country skiing at when I was a preteen. While there we eat donuts and turnovers, walk around, and check out all the kiddy things to do: lame hay maze, swingset, and tractor bikes. It was packed, by the way. (Note the attempt to get a cute picture of all three boys together in the hay - totally an exercise in futility!)

11:45 a.m. Decide to head out for lunch. Never am I more thankful for our GPS than when there's a need to find food. Leeann Chin's was just a few miles away. Lunch was enjoyed by all.

12:45 p.m. Despite Caleb's impending naptime, we head for Teddy Bear Park. Fun was had by all for about an hour. Due to it being a school day, Ethan was the oldest child there and quickly organized a group of kids to play with. Elijah went off with a three and a half year old girl to play restaurant in the sand. And Caleb was just happy playing with a bucket and shovel in the sand.

2:00 p.m. - We head downtown to do a bit of walkingaround with the hopes that Caleb will fall asleep in his stroller. Ethan wants to find a toy store that we had gone to at least a couple of years ago. We can't find it unfortunately and after about 30 minutes, Caleb is still awake so we decide to head to our final stop, The River Market - a natural, whole foods co-op.

3:15 p.m. - Shopping is done, we're in the van and Caleb falls asleep almost immediately. We are home by 4:15 p.m., which means Caleb only gets an hour nap at best.

And by supper time, he is ready for bed....

Happy 3rd Heaven Day, sweet Felicity! We love and miss you always! (Caleb is at a stage where he is obsessed with babies and so he's noticed the pictures of Felicity around the house, so we've begun to talk to him about her and that she's in Heaven.)

Just Write

2011-10-15T08:31:00.002-05:00

I love the idea inspired by Heather at Extraordinary Ordinary to just sit down and write about what's happening around you. No real topic, just real life.

Currently, Elijah's laying (or is it lying, can never remember) on the floor nursing a sore toe. He jumped up in the air and hurt himself on the way down. He's stuffed up from a cold he's been dealing with all week.

Paul's up and in full swing. He took out the stinky garbage after last night's supper of bbq ribs and started the dishwasher. Now he's chef extraordinaire, making breakfast for the boys while I laze around.

It was a rough night for me. In between Paul's snoring and Caleb's fussyness, I did not sleep. I approached him about breathe right strips this morning and he's reply was, "I was snoring last night?" I gently explained that if he's not snoring, then he's not asleep. The main issue for me is that he falls asleep way before I do, and then I can't fall asleep while he's snoring.

I'm debating whether I can skip exercising this morning. A friend is coming over around ten and it's currently 8:38 am, which would mean that I'd need to get off the couch now and get moving.

Yeah, I think I'll skip exercising.

It looks like we're finally going to have a beautiful fall day. Up until recently the weather was in the 80s and then it went to cold, windy, and rainy for the last couple of days.

I love Saturdays.

Well, my second cup of coffee is calling me, so I'm off the couch to retrieve it. I've been working on a post for Felicity's birthday, so hopefully I'll have that posted sometime in the next few days. Life is busy right now, so we'll see.

Almost 3 Years

2011-09-09T08:04:00.004-05:00

Fall is in the air and I love it! It's always been my favorite season and I don't mind leaving the heat and humidity behind. We've had some cool days here and most every night has cooled off wonderfully. Despite my love of sandals and no-socks, I love the idea of layers of clothing and the crispness in the air.

Felicity is always especially present in my mind as fall approaches. I can hardly believe it's been almost three years. October 6th is just around the corner. We haven't planned anything special for the day - I think Paul is working, but I'm sure my mom will come up and I think we'll do something fun with her. Caleb will be 20 months old and that blows my mind too. He's at the age, where I'm contemplating being pregnant again. (Pregnancy isn't as simple as it used to be for me because of all the potential monitoring due to the antibody isoimmunization). So the thought of Felicity being 3 is mind-boggling. I imagine her with bouncy brown curls and wearing dresses. With two older brothers, I'm sure she'd be active and inquisitive. Oh, how I miss her presence in our family. I wonder what it would be like not being the only female in the house. How it would feel to have a little shadow. How it would feel to not have the shadow of stillbirth lingering over us. We were so naive before, though not necessarily in a bad way. We lived in a world that while we believe is full of death because of sin, we had just not experienced it in a personal way.

As I busily can tomatoes, freeze green beans, and deal with all the other garden harvest, I've had many hours to think about Felicity. I don't have to think about the pain anymore, I just want to think about her. My memories of her are being clouded by the years. If only we had more time with her, more memories to sustain us.

If only.

Pictures of Summer

2011-07-24T12:22:00.012-05:00

Father's Day in Taylor's Falls, MN. Trying out my new camera while the boys climbed on rocks and drove their rock crawlers.

What a beautiful day for appreciating Paul and all he does for our family.

Spending lots of time in the car traveling to MI to visit family.

Having my grandparents in MI meet Caleb for the first time
and celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary with them.

Spending a short afternoon with Paul's dad in MI (He's 89 and runs a greenhouse still.) We're looking forward to having him visit in August.

Celebrating Ethan's 9th birthday and attempting to get a nice picture of our boys together. And this was before all the sugar consumption.

A quote on the wall of the MN Children's Museum that sums up perfectly how I feel about my life.

Self-face painting with some help from Mom.

More fun at the Children's Museum.

It's hard to believe that summer is already winding down (for those of us who start school in August anyway.)

Busy, busy, busy

2011-06-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I've posted that I forgot what my blogger password is. Shame on me. As summer eases itself into our lives, with it comes lots of work. Garden tending, lawn mowing, chicken care, beekeeping, and trying to soak in life when we're not working. Plus there's a very busy toddler to keep track of. Ethan began piano lessons a month ago so that's added to our weekly load too. Thankfully we have completed our school year. I can't believe Ethan will be in 4th grade next year and Elijah most likely starting kindergarten. I'm trying to do some reading instruction with Elijah this summer because he really wants to know how to read.

It's a busy, happy life. Even sweating while I weed the garden gives me a good feeling, knowing we're growing some of our own food and adding to our knowledge and ability to continue to do so in the future. Paul's been collecting all our grass clippings this year and I'm spreading them out in the garden each week to hopefully cut down on the amount of weeks. So far it's helping. And I have nicely tanned arms to boot. Our tomato plants are currently thriving and I'm hoping to get another nice crop. In addition to that, we've got watermelons, peas, cabbage, corn, cantalope, zucchini, yellow squash, pumpkins, three kinds of beans, lettuce, potatoes, broccoli, cucumbers, chives, onions, radishes, carrots, strawberries, and sunflowers. It's (hopefully) going to be a busy harvest time.

Caleb is going on 17 months and a bundle of happiness and energy. In the last month, he's become quite a cuddler. He gives us all hugs repeatedly throughout the day. Whenever he sees his brothers, he will offer a hug. He also kisses when asked and is perfecting his "fish lips" (sucking in his cheeks and puckering his lips). He's mastered the signs for "please" and "milk." Of all my boys I'd say he's the biggest "mama's boy" of them all, loving to be held and cuddled.

There's so much to be thankful for in spite of the busyness. And I'm thankful for blogging despite my current lack of posts. It's nice to be able to capture life in this way. Hopefully I'll have some pictures to post next time.

What We've Been Up To

2011-05-01T18:27:00.006-05:00

Admiring the new bee "barn" Paul and my Dad built for our bees (which have not arrived yet....hopefully today!)

Swinging in a new swing from Gramma and Papa

Tending to the new chickens and hoping they start laying soon

Playing outside and catching minnows in the ditch

Getting dirty in the sandbox

Napping on the couch

Dressing up as a doctor

Taking swimming lessons

Hanging out at swimming lessons

Learning to trust his swim teacher

Beef Stew with Bacon, Onion, and Sweet Potatoes

2011-04-12T12:39:00.004-05:00

I've been meaning to share this recipe for awhile now. I actually found it through a blog reader who has a recipe blog. It is my FAVORITE! Some may say that stew season is over, but I disagree. Anything that can be cooked in the crockpot (and not the oven, thus heating the entire house) is worthy to be cooked any time of the year. We use pastured meats and homemade broth which only adds to the flavor. This recipe fills an average size crockpot so it's also great for having company. We love it with fresh homemade bread and coleslaw or cheese and mayo sandwiches.

Beef Stew with Bacon, Onion, and Sweet Potatoes

2 lbs. stew beef cut into 1 in. cubes

32 0z. beef broth

3-4 med. sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1 in. cubes

2 med. onions chopped

6 slices bacon, diced (I just cut it up with a kitchen scissors)

2 tsp. dried thyme

2 tsp. salt

1/2 tsp black pepper

4 T. cornstarch

~4 T. cold water

Combine all the ingredients in crockpot except sweet potatoes, water, and cornstarch and cook on low for 4-6 hours. Add sweet potatoes a couple of hours before eating (adding them too soon and they get mushy). Then turn off crockpot, remove all liquid and bring to boil over the stove and add cornstarch mixed with cold water and boil again until it thickens. Add thickened broth to crockpot and serve.

I hope your family enjoys this as much as we do. Oh, and grieving mamas - stop over at Ebe's blog here for a great post on spiritual stillbirth. It nearly brought me to tears - in a good way!

Bedroom Redecorating

2011-04-05T13:16:00.007-05:00

Here's a view of the BEFORE from our closet. We have a huge north-facing window. Routinely, we get great-horned owls that perch on roof above our room and hoot through the night. Sounds like it would be peaceful, right? It's actually really hard to sleep through. The door way on the right goes into our master bath.

This picture was taken with the window behind me (see the open closet). On the left is Paul's dresser. It actually looks pretty decent in this photo. It was not. The drawers did not have slides, so they would go all whopperjawed when they got pushed in (meaning not flush with the rest of the dresser) I hurt my shoulders and neck multiple times when pushing those bottom drawers in. And it was really beat up.

This is the view standing in the bathroom doorway. The duvet cover on the bed is our new one. I am currently in love with all things paisley. Our old duvet cover was a pastel plaid one. This new one is in shades of brown, dusky blue, and green on a cream background.

Now here is the new furniture: sleigh bed, dresser with mirror and nightstand, with a better look at the color of the walls as opposed to the photo below this one.

This picture looks like I painted the walls pink. As much as I like pink, I did NOT paint our bedroom pink. This was however, the only picture I got of the new dresser.

And here is the painting completed. Boston Coastline doesn't look that great in this photo, but in real life, it is perfect. The other three walls are a cream (fresh linen).

Now the only thing left is to hang something on this headboard wall. I had bought a sepia photo, but it just didn't look right. I've thought about a vinyl saying or design, but haven't found anything that "speaks to me." I would love suggestions. All in all, it feels great having another project done and with good results.

View From the Inside

2011-03-19T13:55:00.005-05:00

Lately, say in the past month or so, I've noticed grief creeping up on me. Two and half years of missing Felicity is approaching. So that's part of the reason why. Another part is Caleb is growing so quickly and has moved from babyhood to toddlerhood. Also the baby boom happening around me again, which I mentioned a few posts back.

There's more to it though. Can't always put my finger on it. Winter is almost over and the sun is out just about every day, yet I'm feeling gloomy on occasion. This might be TMI for some readers, but maybe my cycles are on the verge of returning. Who knows?

I don't think my grief is very apparent to those around me. I just mentioned to Paul today that I feel a little depressed. And depressed for me is not as bad as it is for others, I know. Looking from the outside, I tend to retreat in a little, not smile as much, and am snappier at those around me. But other than that, I don't think the men in my life are very aware of how I'm feeling.

I got contacted by a gal on FB who had read Felicity's story and who also had a stillborn baby at home and she's also has little c antibodies. Our circumstances are very different, but since becoming her friend, I've been exposed to a whole internet world of anti-homebirth sites/blogs/etc.

I don't question my homebirth, I don't blame my very competent midwife, and I don't think Felicity would've been born alive if I had gone straight to the hospital once labor began. But reading all this stuff I've come across, hasn't made the thought of another baby being born at home an easy idea to think about. While I still advocate for homebirth freedom (not because it's good experience, but because in most low-risk situations I feel it's safest for baby!), I think I've become a person who's just all about having a baby who's born alive. Maybe I was too firm in my opinions before? Maybe I was too judgmental of others who made different choices in birth than me? I do know I often pray for humility - my choices don't make me better than other people.

Anyway, I'm feeling introspective these days. I'm trying to remember Felicity, but also trying to not think of what-ifs. Caleb is here for a reason and to wish Felicity here, seems in my mind, to wish Caleb away, even if it's not intentional.

Things That Make Me Smile

2011-03-12T17:08:00.006-06:00

Copying from my friend's Julie's blog, I thought I'd share a list of things that have made me smile lately.

~Watching "Mary Poppins" with the boys this afternoon and watching Elijah's reactions since this was his first time.

~Caleb's toothy grin and wobbly walk and especially the happy noises he makes when I sit down in our "nursing spot."
~The transformation of our bedroom - this has been an ongoing process. It's one of only two rooms I didn't paint last fall because I wanted to get a new duvet cover first. Well the new duvet cover's been on for awhile, I think I have a paint color picked out (2 actually, as one wall will be an accent color), and we have NEW bedroom furniture arriving in a couple of weeks. This was a long process. What originally was going to be a head board and maybe a dresser is going to be a complete bed, dresser, mirror and nightstand! Can't wait for it to be delivered and set up. Then once the weather is warm enough to have windows open, painting can begin. When the project is done, I will share more before and after photos.

~Fresh haircuts for all the boys - which means I don't have to cut them for another 6 weeks or so.

~Caleb's repetitive "uh-oh" whenever he drops something

~Ethan's sign in the downstairs bathroom - he set up a pet store in our downstairs bar area. He's had Elijah assisting him. Last night I went into the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw the sign Ethan made. It reads, "All employees must wash their hands before returning to work. Thank you. Manager." It made me laugh out loud. Especially since reminding Elijah to wash his hands IS a good idea, except Elijah can't read.

~Caleb holding his hand up to his ear and saying "hi" every time he hears the phone ring. Also he says "ow" whenever he sees an animal - real, stuffed, or a photo.

~Elijah's burgeoning sense of humor.

~Paul's acceptance of my desire to redecorate our bedroom as long as there are no decorative pillows added to the bed (oh, the horror!). He switched the office's overhead light fixture with our bedroom one - a job that looked a lot easier (from my vantage point) than it actually was. My contribution to the task: getting the ladder out and setting it up in the office.

~Spring is in the air - it's still below freezing outside with lots of snow yet to melt, but our dirt road and driveway are mud pits which gives me hope....and annoys me all to no end.

~new washcloth colors!

~new blog discoveries: Reagan's Blob, Young House Love, Tales of Me and the Husband, City Wife, Country Life

~The thought of being able to hang cloth diapers on the clothes line again.

~The thought of Sara holding new baby Levi in just a few short days!

~Ethan winning 1st place for speed at the AWANA grand prix a couple weeks ago. He won every heat and got the track record as well.

~Finally owning Caleb free and clear!

~Working out and the result: my arms are starting to look like Jillian's - wish the rest of my body was showing more change. But I do feel different, have more energy, and am definitely noticing my muscles growing.

~Sunshine!

Delinquent

2011-02-25T07:03:00.004-06:00

I am such a delinquent blogger. I blame it on Caleb and his ability to open all kitchen and bathroom cabinets. Not to mention yesterday he accidentally realized he can open the oven as well. So all my "blogging time" has been spent cleaning up his messes and trying to stop him from making more. If he wasn't so darn cute and cuddly, I'd probably be just a little bit nutty by now.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch and Caleb's standing at my feet, alternately blabbering at me happily and playing peek-a-boo with me around the laptop screen. Oh, and did I mention he's walking? He's not an expert yet, but it's so fun to watch him learn and watch the big boys get excited over it.

My baby's growing up! (insert sad face here) I know I promised myself I'd enjoy him like he was my last, but at this point, I'm already feeling the infant itch. It's the pregnant part I'm not looking forward too. And all the potential issues we could face with another baby, if he/she has the little c antigen.

There's another mini baby boom happening around me. I have to admit it's hard to see friends be pregnant and have babies easily. There's nothing easy about having a baby after losing one through stillbirth regardless of how many healthy babies you have. Because things went so smooth with Caleb and the antibody isoimmunisation issue, I wonder if it won't be much harder with the next baby. When I start to think that way, I have to remind myself who's in control. And that there's also a 50% chance of a completely "normal" pregnancy if the next baby does not have the antigen.

In the meantime, I'm trying to soak in every precious baby moment with Caleb. He is still a baby. He's still nursing and dependent on me for so much. I love being his mommy.

Running Late

2011-02-06T09:53:00.002-06:00

Sunday mornings tend to get a little crazy around here. This last year our church went to one service which starts at 9am. That may not seem early to some of you, but for us, it is. And our children don't even sleep in! But 2 adults showering, Paul having to shave, breakfast, nursing the baby, hair and makeup for me (which only takes about 30 minutes and includes me blow-drying my very thick hair), and getting dressed takes enough time that we're usually arriving at church without a minute to spare.

I HATE walking into church late. It doesn't bother me when others walk in late though. Anyhoo, this morning at the last minute, I ended up staying home with Caleb. We couldn't find his shoes despite searching every possible place and it was already so late. I was bummed. After Paul and the boys left, I sat on the couch nursing Caleb and feeling sorry for myself. Normally, I allow my feelings of self-pity to just take over. But this morning, I said no! I prayed and asked God to change my perspective and attitude.

I snuggled Caleb and he fell asleep. Normally he doesn't fall asleep on Sundays until after we've arrived home (around 11:30). He's getting more teeth at the moment though.

When these little things happen, I often struggle with a poor-me attitude. Just ask my husband. After I get over myself, I am so ashamed and wonder how I could ever feel that way. I have SO MUCH! And why? I am no better than anyone else and yet, me and my family have been so richly blessed. It saddens me to think of how people suffer around the world. And here I am, feeling blue over a little inconvenience.

So I going to be memorizing this verse this week. It's one I already know, but I need to know it well enough to rattle it off whenever I start feeling sorry for myself.

(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; II Corinthians 10:4-5

And guess what? I found Caleb's shoes right after Paul and the boys left - they were pushed down into the couch cushion. I need to remember that the next time I can't find them.

Happy 1st Birthday Caleb

2011-01-23T09:47:00.001-06:00

We can't believe our baby is one! We are so thankful for his presence in our family and for the One who saw fit to bless us with Caleb.

CALEB

"Faithfulness"

For thou art my rock and my fortress
therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.

Psalm 31:3

The Sins of the Father

2011-01-10T08:51:00.005-06:00

I don't often write about my divorce on my blog. It's not something that consumes much of my thoughts anymore, it's been over 7 years and in that time, God has made incredible beauty from ashes. Unfortunately though, my children will always be affected by my divorce.

Last Wednesday, my ex-husband (Ethan's biological dad) and his wife had a baby - Ethan's sister, Hope Elizabeth. I am happy for them and for Ethan, though sad for myself. Sad that Felicity isn't here too. Sad that Hope is now Ethan's only living sister.

We're delving into a whole new world, a world of siblings who will most likely only see each other once or twice a year (as is the pattern that has been established over the years since Ethan's dad lives 700 miles away). It's a world that brings confusion for Elijah - "why does Ethan have a new sister?" and someday for Caleb too. We've never used the terms "stepmom" and "stepdad." Paul is Ethan's daddy since he's been a part of Ethan's daily life since he was three. And we've never referred to Elijah, Felicity, and Caleb as Ethan's half-siblings (nor will we with Hope). But as the boys are getting older, they are asking more questions and answering them is more and more difficult.

We answer these questions truthfully, but they still don't totally understand. I want them to feel safe; that even though Ethan's dad divorced me, Paul and I will never get a divorce. The sins of the father (and mother) really do fall upon the children and the children's children. I don't want Ethan to feel like he had anything to do with our divorce.

All in all, I want them to grow up and make wise, godly choices. To live happy, fruitful lives. To honor God. But it's hard not to worry that our poor choices have already had a negative effect on their young lives and that it's only the beginning.

Paul and I pray daily over the boys. I know God is listening and I know He will protect them. It's just so obvious why God hates divorce. I wish more people understood that.

This and That

2011-01-01T08:44:00.005-06:00

Happy New Year! Hope you all had a safe and happy celebration. I was asleep by 11pm. When you have little ones, sleep is its own celebration!

Random things have been swirling around my brain these days and I've felt the need to get them written down, almost as if writing them will release my brain from having to think about them.

We finally seem to be over the flu here. Elijah got it 4 days before Christmas and then Ethan two days later. We've never had vomiting children before, so it was a whole new ball game for Paul and I. We thought we were in the clear even though Paul and I felt "off" while the boys were sick, so we continued on with our Christmas celebration. Unfortunately I got it Christmas day night and then Paul the following night. So we've basically spent 10 of Paul's 17 days off, sick or recovering. Kind of a bummer, but we're trying to make the most of the rest of his time off.

Caleb will be ONE YEAR OLD in three short weeks! I'm happy and horrified at the same time. My baby is growing up. He's so animated and active, not a little baby anymore. Still don't think he'll be walking before he's one, but that's fine with me.

I normally set some New Year's Resolutions. This years are pretty simple: 1) be less critical of all my boys (Paul included). I need to let go of my expectations and appreciate their boyness more. They are not going to do things the way I would do them and I need to remind myself of that daily. 2) be more joyful - this kind of goes along with #1. I get so caught up in doing things my way and making sure everything's neat and tidy that I'm losing my joy and it affects those around me. I want to let go of my OCD tendencies and be joyful even if the house is a mess. And lastly 3) continue to lose weight. Since I started The 30 Shred in August, I've lost 15 lbs (6 of those were over the holidays because of the stomach flu!) and at least 5 inches off my waist. I know I've "lost" more than 15 lbs, but much of it's been converted to muscle which ways more than fat. I currently weigh less than I did before I got pregnant with Caleb, but I have more to lose. I'd like to get back to my pre-Felicity weight, before I get pregnant again! (BTW, I'm loving The 30 Day Shred - obviously I've been doing it for more than 30 days, but it's really shaping and toning my body like no other workout has done before. I highly recommend it!)

I guess that's it - seems like there was more swirling around in my head, but like most thoughts these day, I can't remember things for very long.

Many blessing to you for 2011!

11 Months Old

2010-12-23T14:52:00.004-06:00

I can't believe Caleb turned 11 months old yesterday. Where has the last year gone? I remember last year, being hugely pregnant and trying to enjoy the holidays, while trying not to worry about Caleb's impending arrival and health until he arrived.

He's such a happy little joy. We are in the midst of a bout of the stomach flu right now and thankfully he has stayed healthy. On Monday we were out and about and at one of our stops a middle-aged black man talked and smiled at Caleb for 10 minutes. He was so enamoured with Caleb and it made my day when he said, "He's just so JOYFUL!"

At 11 months Caleb loves to eat and nurse. He isn't much into baby food (especially not fruits), but loves to have pieces of meat, veggies, banana, avocado, and oatmeal on his high chair tray to pick up and put into his own mouth.

He still only has the bottom two teeth, but I'm pretty sure one of his top ones is going to come through within a week or two. He loves to be acknowledged for anything and claps when we clap. He likes to play peek-a-boo and gives high fives. He waves hello and goodbye. He is busy, busy, busy. I don't think I can say he's much of a cuddler unless he's nursing and sleepy, but he is starting to recognize the comfort that comes from relaxing against me or Paul.

We thought he would be walking by his first birthday, but now I'm starting to wonder. He walks along furniture and climbs up to anything and everything. He loves to stand up to the bookcase and pull all the board books off the shelf and drop them in a pile. He puts everything in his mouth. Just last week in the church nursery, I pulled out a piece of wood and a piece of cement, though not at the same time.

He's starting to point to things which is one of the cutest things babies learn to do. He also says "dis" when he points. He loves to stand up to the dishwasher and "help" load or unload. He's started to stick his butt up in the air when he sleeps. He also lays on his tummy in the bathtub which is adorable.

Merry Christmas! May you be blessed by celebrating the birth of Jesus and all that means!

Christmas Letter and Photos

2010-12-19T19:08:00.003-06:00

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! What a blessed year this was for our family and we hope for yours too. We were most blessed this year by the arrival of Caleb Isaac on January 22, 2010. He was 7lbs. 14oz. and 19.5 inches long. Although he had to spend the first few days of his life in the NICU due to hyperbilirubinemia, he has been healthy since. He is now 10 months old and very active. He's been crawling for over two months and is now pulling himself to standing and walking along furniture. He is a happy guy who loves eating things off the floor, trying to sneak into the bathrooms, and laying on his tummy in the bath. He has auburn hair which we hope stayes that way. While Caleb could never replace Felicity, his presence inour family has helped us with the healing process. We thank God for bringing him into the world and into our family.

Elijah is 4 and growing by leaps and bounds. While he is not officially in school yet, he joins us for part of our homeschooling day. He is learning to write his letters and identify their sounds. Just recently he has become self-motivated to do addition and subtraction problems. He loves to talk when he should be eating and eat when it's not mealtime (snacks!). He is currently wearing most of the clothes Ethan wore a year ago and if things continue this way, he may soon surpass Ethan in weight. He enjoys crafty things as well as being active. He is doing a gym class and a cooking class through our home school co-op.

Ethan is 8 and in third grade. He is learning multiplication and cursive this year. While he doesn't always enjoy writing, he is really good at it and started a blog as a way to learn computer skills and improve his writing. Check it out here. He loves to go biking, play the wii and attend AWANA. His sense of humor is blossoming and he's always making plays on words in the attempt to be funny. He is a big helper with Caleb, though Caleb is getting quite heavy for him to carry.

Paul continues on at Honeywell and has done a bit of traveling this year although nothing out of the country. We attended the Minnesota Association of Christian Home Educators conference in Rochester in the spring, which was a nice getaway with just the baby. In July, we spent a few days vacationing in Duluth as a family. In August, after helping with a church nursery remodel, I was spurned on to begin painting our house. I had been wanting some color in the house and the walls were in a sorry state since we never painted before moving in. We painted most of the upstairs level as well as the downstairs bathroom. It was quite the project with all our vaulted ceilings and with a baby in the house. I plan on painting our bedroom in the spring and possibly using the leftover red paint on the chicken coop with the help of a certain hard-working eight year old. I continue to lead La Leche League meetings, volunteer as nursery coordinator at church, and blog. We had a very bountiful garden harvest this year, especially with tomatoes, so I was able to freeze many quarts of spaghetti sauce and pizza sauce. Paul was recently voted in as a trustees at church, so he looks forward to using his time and talents in that capacity.

We have many goals for the coming year, especially in the areas of becoming more self-sufficient. We're looking at getting more chickens (ours disappeared this year, probably the victims of a local coyote gang), starting some bee hives, possibly getting a milk cow, and who knows what else! We're very blessed to have the space and land to accomplish many of these goals if we put forth the time and effort. If you're ever in the area, we'd love to have you stop by! May God bless and keep you and your family in the coming year!

Love from Paul, Rachel, Ethan, Elijah, and Caleb

Year in Status Updates

2010-12-14T13:41:00.003-06:00

I think you can click on this to make it larger. Kind of a fun "summary" of facebook status updates.

A Few of our Favorite Things: Christmas Gift Edition

2010-12-09T19:00:00.001-06:00

I thought I'd share some of our favorite toys/games/stuff. I'm always in need of gift ideas and I figure some of you may too. 'Tis the season! Rush Hour has provided hours of fun at our home (and fighting over who gets to play next!). While the original Rush Hour (the car version) says it's for ages 8 and up, Elijah was playing some of the easiest scenarios before he turned four. The object is to get the red vehicle out of the traffic jam by moving the vehicles around. Paul has mastered the car one, so I got him the Railroad Rush Hour, which is harder. These are available in game stores as well as through Amazon.

Jonathan Park audio adventures are great for teaching kids how to defend creationism from a young earth standpoint, all while listening to exciting stories. These are available from Vision Forum.

The String Along Lacing Kit is great for boys and girls. Elijah got it for his 4th birthday and has been happily creating pictures ever since. Instead of your traditional lacing kits, where you lace through holes, this lacing kit has a plastic "pen" you put your string into and then the board pinches the string as you move it from spot to spot. Then to undo the picture, you just pull on the string. It comes with many different colored strings and patterns.

These computers were purchased 1-2 years ago. We found the first for Ethan for Christmas 2008. It was the only non-brand name one we could find. The leapfrog ones are expensive and when you compare them, you're really paying for the brand name. It turned out to be a great intro for using a real computer and our boys have learned so much. We searched endlessly for another one to no avail until last Christmas. That's when we found a bilingual one. It's a little different, but still good. For only $20, these are totally worth it. AND we've yet to replace any batteries in them!

This book is an INDESTRUCTIBLE. They are for babies (0-toddler). They are non-toxic and feel like heavy duty paper. Babies can chew, bend, and suck on them and they don't get ruined. They don't have any words, but very colorful pictures. At about $5 each on amazon, they are awesome!

I hope these give you some ideas for Christmas or birthdays! I'm not getting any compensation for endorsing these products, they're just that great! Happy shopping!

Absentee Blogger

2010-11-29T07:18:00.003-06:00

Where has the month gone? I've been meaning to blog, even started a post or two, but in the haze of school, life, Thanksgiving, and now Christmas prep, I haven't been able to finish a post.

Even now I can't really spend the time to write much. The days fly by with all the chores that need to be accomplished. We're (read Paul) in the process of converting files from my near dead-laptop to another computer which has made it more interesting.

Caleb (now 10 months old) sure keeps me on my toes these days and sitting down to blog when he's awake is pretty much an exercise in futility. He's climbing along furniture a little now and is busy putting everything he can find in his mouth. Just the other day I pulled a box elder bug out of his mouth! Ew! It was the whole thing too. I'm not sure if it was alive when it went it, but it was dead when I pulled it out. We'll all be surprised if he's not walking before his birthday.

I don't feel like I have much time to process any complete thoughts these days either. Don't get me wrong though, I'm very content! I like the slower pace the winter weather brings to our home. It seems like not as much needs to be done, and we're able to enjoy just being together more. But with kids, life always seems to be hurried.

Felicity is still in my thoughts and heart, especially this holiday time. I remember so vividly the holidays of 2008, just weeks after her death, because that's about the time I think I was coming out of the fog and really starting to process her death. I envision her often in our lives, wondering how it would feel to have a little girl around in the midst of the all the testosterone. While the ache is duller, it's still hard not to think of what could've been.

So hopefully I'll have a real post soon. Blessings to you!

A Day In The Life

2010-11-04T22:07:00.005-05:00

I truly intended to include photos in this post, but man, this was a hard one to do. The picture part got left in the dust by about 9:30 am. So maybe the next post will just be pictures of a day in our lives.

7:00 am (approx.) - wake up and try to encourage Caleb to go back to sleep while nursing. A no go, so we get up. Ethan and Elijah are already awake and playing on their toy computers on the couch.

7:05 - After bathroom break for me, I make coffee! Coffee, COFFEE, COFFEE!!! (I like my morning joe!) While coffee is brewing I get out the vacuum and do the boys' room. I always vacuum before changing their sheets since I feel weird (hello OCD) piling their blankets on the floor when it might (probably) has dust particles and other-things-I-try-not-to-think-about on it.

7:15 - change Caleb, pour first cup of happiness, doctor it up with cream and stevia, and enjoy a little ray of sunshine before I've actually seen the sun.

At this point Elijah has already done some whining - first that he's hungry when he sees me working on their bedroom and then later when I begin his morning habit (toast with peanut butter and jelly) because he's NOT hungry yet (because he'd rather go downstairs.)

7:30 - boys eat, I begin stripping their bunk beds. (Note: while I am a bit OCD, I only change their sheets once a month typically because it is my least favorite job in the world. Ethan and I have finally got a routine down for putting the sheets on the top bunk and it's still a major pain!)

8:00 - I make our bed and try to keep Caleb from crawling into our bathroom repeatedly. He is so cute, even though he now knows how to push the door open. Do some random clean up in the kitchen and sit down at the computer to finish my coffee (which is quite cool by now). Caleb nurses multiple times during this period as it's tons of fun to nurse for 15 seconds, get down, then start fussing in 30 seconds because you want to nurse again. Love the little bugger!

8:30 - take the baby downstairs to write up Ethan's schoolwork for the day on the whiteboard. Start a load of laundry. Get the boys moving on their chores while I finish up the beds (took off Elijah's bed rail, hoping he can sleep the night w/o falling off and I can retire the bed rail to the closet for 9 months or so (until Caleb's in bed with Elijah). Ethan takes a shower and I bathe Elijah and Caleb. Normally this is an Tues./Sat. evening event that Paul handles, but we were gone on Tues. night and Wednesday night we had church.) I consider myself victorious that Elijah does not put up a fuss during hair washing!

9:20 - nurse Caleb to sleep, eat a hard-boiled egg for my breakfast, get Ethan going on school while Elijah plays and then I exercise (currently doing Workout 2 on The 30 Day Shred - love it and hate it!)

10:00 - shower and dress, Caleb wakes up at 10:30. Work on school with Ethan.

11:30 - decide to run our errands now (while the sun is still out, which makes me feel more energetic) versus later. Everyone gets ready and Elijah whines about his shoes being tight, not being able to find his hat, yada, yada, yada. Eat lunch in the car.

12:15 - arrive in Cambridge to go to the co-op, but first makes a quick run through the thrift store since they're in the same strip mall. Get groceries at the co-op, drive back to our town, return a shirt at the outlet mall, and stop at the consignment store to pick up a check for items sold ($13.00 - woohoo!)

2:08 - arrive home, baby sleeps in van while we unload and put away groceries. Baby wakes and requires immediate sustenance. Ethan and I do his social studies and math while baby nurses and Elijah plays.

3:00 - make a batch of granola, check emails while having a cup of coffee. Go downstairs with everyone and do spelling/handwriting together (Elijah joins us for this part of school - though he listens to most everything we do).

4:00 - plug our school activities into our Edu-track program and we celebrate the end of the day with a movie and snacks. (Paul was gone in CA so I didn't have to make a big dinner.) We ate leftovers while watching our movie.

7:00 - brush teeth, do devotions, and tuck the big boys in. Elijah is very concerned he's going to fall off the bed w/o a bed rail so I have to give him a pep talk. Caleb and I do our nighttime stuff (washing my face, changing into pjs, change his diaper).

7:40 - head downstairs to watch a video. Caleb falls asleep and I tuck him in. I eat a little leftover ice cream from our w/e bday celebrations while watching the movie, then do some ironing while the movie finishes.

10:00 - write this and continue to be amazed that Caleb's been sleeping for almost three hours w/o waking up.

10:40 - finish blogging and head to bed - homeschool co-op bright and early in the morning.

9 Months Old

2010-10-23T09:10:00.008-05:00

Yesterday you turned 9 months old, little man. Where has the time gone? You are so sweet even when sick. Unfortunately you are recovering from the flu and a double ear infection, but you are happy regardless. I love this face you make because it emphasizes your dimples.

You are into everything! You love to crawl under the table until you get stuck under the chairs. You also love the blinds on the patio door even though we don't let you play with them if we can help it.

You still love to nurse, but you are very distracted by all that's going on around you. You light up when Daddy arrives home from work or when your brothers play with you. You are definitely a boy - your playing involves lots of banging things, exploring, and moving.

This is your lounging position, though you usually have your top leg crossed over the other. It's very cute! You can pull yourself to standing (or tip toes) but don't do it very often yet. You prefer to sit on your knees. You weigh 18lbs. 3 oz. (2-3 lbs. smaller than your brothers at this age), which makes you seem so little to Mommy.

You are starting to babble a lot. You can play "Pat-a-Cake" and "So Big." You give high fives and now try to kiss. You have quite a bit of hair that's already hanging over your ears and below your collar. I don't want to cut it yet, but I also don't want people thinking you're a girl. You're eating some food, though you like it best when it's in little pieces on your tray. You make the funniest faces when I try to feed you baby food on a spoon.

You are such a blessing! We love you Caleb and are so thankful you're a part of our family!

In Living Color: A Home Tour, Kind Of

2010-10-12T09:36:00.001-05:00

When we first moved out to the country in Feb. of 2007 our house was about 3.5 years old. It was in desperate need of cleaning due to the previous owners' rottweilers and I was just so thrilled to be moving into our first house. It never really occurred to me to paint before we moved in.

So after thinking about it and saying I was going to do it, I finally did it! It's not perfect, but it brings much needed warmth and personality to our living space, not to mention it has covered all the marks on the walls. I learned a lot in the process, about picking colors and about the actual technique. I did not paint our bedroom, the (current) guest room, the office, or our large school/play area, which has to be over 500 sq. feet. I do anticipate painting our master bedroom once I find a new duvet cover for our bed.

So without further ado, welcome to our home. We live in the country, within 5 miles of our town and about 50 miles from the big city (Mpls./St. Paul). We have 10 acres and live on a dirt road. North of our property is 20 acres of state land and to the east is another 40. We do have neighbors situated to the west of us, but we all have 10 acres each. Having grown-up in the suburbs of the twin cities, this is very country for me. For Paul, who grew up on a dairy farm in the bluffs of SW'ern WI, it's still not rural enough. He still desires to move to the middle of nowhere.
Our entryway (looking down from the main floor) is quite small for a growing family of 5. If you're looking for a home to buy, I recommend a large entryway or at least one without stairs. Going up is our main level and going down is the walkout basement. I wanted a darker brown for the entryway because of dirty boys (big and little) coming in. Due to the lighting in this area, the color I used, tends to look a little a bit orange-y at times. Other than that, it serves its purpose well.

At the top of the stairs is the dining room with the kitchen off to the right. This is an odd arrangement in my mind. The dining room is carpeted too, which also seems odd. These are not things I really thought much of when we first saw the house though.

This is the view of the dining room from the kitchen. The hallway leads to the 3 upstairs bedrooms and the bathroom.

The kitchen is my favorite room in the house. Our apt. prior to moving had a little galley style kitchen, emphasis on little. Moving into our house was like moving into a mansion in some respects. I love the corner sink and windows, which looks out onto our property and the state land ~ very picturesque. Because of the vaulted ceilings and walls connecting one room to another, I had to decide to either paint everything one color throughout or split up the colors on some of the walls. I opted for the latter.

Here is the living room. My camera does not do justice to the colors. The red is brighter than this picture shows.

To the left of this picture is where the kitchen is, though it is a separate room. Down the hallway from the dining room are the bedrooms. The first bedroom is the boys' room. I love how this color turned out. It looks baby blue in the picture, but it actually has a grayer undertone.

Across the hall is the main bath. It is just a mild tan color. I figure that way, I can change the theme easier in it if I ever desire to do so.
This is our master bath. I actually got this color from mixing two colors. I had picked out a color called "rice wine" for the hallway, which was a pale yellow color. Unfortunately though, it looked like puke green in our dark hallway so I had to repaint it a tan color. But I used the rice wine color and mixed it with the color I used in the downstairs bathroom and got this minty green color.

Note to those home shopping: the whirlpool tub seems great at first, but the jets are hard to keep clean inside, especially if the home has been preowned. They are not comfortable either. If we were to build our own place, we'd either skip a bath or just do a deep bath tub. We hardly ever use this. (There is a standing shower behind the door.)

And lastly, this is our downstairs bathroom. Not much to say here. Obviously, there is much of the house I didn't include because it didn't get painted (or photographed in a clean state). This home tour was mostly about the color thing. In doing this I realized that photographing rooms is very difficult and I'm not good at it.

Thanks for visiting!

Celebrating Felicity's Purposeful Life

2010-10-07T07:24:00.016-05:00

Yesterday we celebrated two years of missing Felicity. Paul took the day off which was such a gift to me. My mom also joined us.

I started preparing for Felicity's birthday a few weeks ago. I really felt an intense desire to buy a little girl's outfit so I went and bought this outfit for a friend's daughter, who was born just a few weeks before Felicity.

Caleb woke up at 6:22 am yesterday, so I was able to be up before the sun and also be up at the exact time that Felicity was born. It helped me feel more connected to her and to her birthday to be awake during that time and be able to sit and think about her.

We spent the morning decorating cupcakes and arranging flowers to be delivered to some special people later in the day.
It was then that Ethan noticed the visitor on our deck. This is something that has never happened before, so it was really special to have it happen on Felicity's Day. And I was able to get a picture.

I think he's a northern goshawk, but I'm not too proficient in hawk identification. He sat there for about five minutes after we noticed him and then he took to flight which was a beautiful sight!

After eating cupcakes, we left for our day of celebrating. First of, we stopped at the hospital that Felicity and I were transferred to. We had one special nurse that day and she was wonderfully compassionate to us in our grief. We had not been back to see her since though we spoke with her on a couple occasions after Felicity's death. She knew we were coming today, but it was still wonderful to see her, hug her, and bring her flowers and a gift.

She asked if I'd be willing to work on a sheet of resources for grieving families that they can include in the folders that are given out. I told her I'd be thrilled to do it and I am! If you can think of a book/website/resource that was helpful to you, please comment so I can include it.

Next we went to see our NILMDTS photographer. She did not know we were coming and so it was really neat to surprise her! She shared with me that she had just been viewing Felicity's photos because the day before she had done another session at the hospital. So heartbreaking to hear of another family going through such pain.

After our flower delivery surprises were complete we headed down to our favorite hiking place. After lunch drove to a scenic spot overlooking the St. Croix River. The colors were beautiful even if they were past their peak. While we were there we did this:

The balloons traveled almost straight up. What a glorious day it will be when those who have believed on Jesus rise up into the sky to meet Jesus.

After that we traveled over to the Wisconsin side of the St. Croix to hike in Interstate Park. It was a wonderful indian summer day. The blanket of golden leaves on the ground in the forest made me think of the streets of gold in Heaven that Felicity walks upon.

After all that it was time for ice cream and pizza at Schoony's, our favorite restaurant in Taylor's Falls, MN. The celebration ended with a few minutes visiting Felicity's grave.
It was a good day, although not without tears. She will always be missed and loved! I am thankful though for the healing God has provided for our family in the past two years. We rest in His promises!

Reflections

2010-09-30T14:43:00.006-05:00

With Felicity's 2nd birthday just around the corner, I've spent a lot of my time thinking on life two years ago. I'm not so consumed by the sadness anymore obviously and for the most part am grateful for each memory I have that relates to her. Those memories are all I have to feel close to Felicity.

My due date was September 28th, the day my parents returned home from their annual two week vacation. We all thought I'd have the baby while they were gone, though I really wanted my mom to be there for the birth. We tried a natural induction on the 30th of September which involved my midwife stripping my membranes, a castor oil smoothie (ew!), homeopathics, and some other things. Labor seemed to get going and then puttered out.

I remember spending our evenings watching "7th Street Theatre", which I had purchased for our anniversary. Several times while sitting there, I thought my water had started leaking, though it was all in my head. I remember the weather getting cold and only having one long sleeve shirt and one pair of pants to wear. At that point I thought I was going to be pregnant forever. (I was 41 wks and a day when she was born, even though both of my big boys had been born in the 39th week).

I remember taking a walk with my mom the night before Felicity was born. I waddled and groaned with each step. I think I even remembering shedding a few tears, thinking my very pregnant state was going to never end. The plan for the following day was to go with Paul to a midwife appointment and then spend the day together and de-stress by maybe going to a movie or something.

I remember the intensity of labor the following morning. I remember the shock and horror of birthing a purple baby and having her cord easily tear completely in half as the my midwife pulled her from the water of the birthing tub. I remember all the people who descended upon our home when Paul called 911. The cries and pleas we both uttered repeatedly as we were taken to the hospital via ambulance still ring in my ears.

I remember how when they moved Felicity back and forth from our room in the hospital, they covered her up so that no other patients would see her and be scared because she was obviously dead. I remember forcing myself to eat a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch at the hospital, while gasping for breath because of all the crying I'd done.

I remember coming home, but to be honest the days to follow are a blur. I can't remember if I ate regular meals, slept all the time, or sat practically comatose on the couch. I remember my inability to go downstairs where Felicity had been born for the first week or so. I remember googling "stillbirth" and "true knots" and reading everything I could find.

I remember my mom and my aunt laboring to create a bulletin for Felicity's memorial service and me saying that it wasn't really necessary. It turned out amazing and it's one of my favorite things about her service. I remember going to hold and comfort Ethan as he broke down in anguished sobs when we watched the NILMDTS video of our photo session for the first time.

I remember my intense need to be hugged by everyone at the memorial service. The physical contact seemed like the only thing holding me up. I remember Paul carrying Felicity's casket at the end of the memorial service out to the cemetery.

I remember all these things and many more. They are not easy memories, but I cling to them because they are all I have.

Despite not having Felicity here, I am looking forward to her birthday. Paul gave me the greatest gift a few weeks ago by announcing he's taking the day off so we can be together as a family. Knowing that has given me the strength to do some planning. I look forward to sharing Felicity's day with you soon!

Still Here

2010-09-23T07:18:00.003-05:00

It's been a long time since my last post. I am fully aware of it, but have been quite busy.....painting my house! Yes, I finally started ~~torturing my husband~~ painting the inside of my house.

It's a disease now as I pretty much can't stop. I even have a really bad idea to try a mix a leftover color with a color that did not get used because according to my 8 year old it looked like I was painting the hallway "puke green." So anywho, I think mixing the two might be just the ticket. Someone please talk me out of this quickly!

The plan is to be done this weekend though I won't be done done until I can find a new duvet for our bedroom and then paint our bedroom. I'm still not sure how I feel about the kitchen color. I was going for a sage green which the paint sample "minted lemon" looked perfect. On the way to get it I got a little concerned that it might be too yellow. I needn't have fear. It is definitely green. Very minty green. It's a little like pepto-bismol pink....only green.

Once it's all done, I'm going to take you on a tour of my home. Hopefully I can use our camera well enough to capture the true essence of the colors. That way you can tell me whether I'm done or whether the ~~torture continues~~ kitchen needs to be repainted.

In other news -Caleb turned EIGHT months old yesterday! I felt his first tooth just a couple of days ago. He is still a peach!

A Whole Lotta Stuff

2010-09-02T09:07:00.007-05:00

Elijah is four! Here's to another year of enjoying him! Ethan turned 8 a couple of months ago, but I can't post any pictures because they're on our other computer that died.

Our church nursery remodel is almost complete due to many hands and lots of sweat. Thankfully no tears! What began as a new look through painting has become a major project with a wall removal, new carpeting (hopefully being installed tomorrow) that was donated, new paint, and all-around a whole new look. I can't wait for it to be done as it's been a lot of physical and mental work!

I am more than halfway to my goal of 24 quarts of spaghetti sauce and still the tomatoes are coming. At this rate, I may even get a bunch of pizza sauce made too. I recently discoved the Norpro Sauce Master and it is my new best friend.

Caleb has been crawling for about a week! He is now over 7 months old and I've never had a baby so mobile at this age, so it's been fun and crazy. We love him to pieces!

So we've been busy, especially considering we also started school. I'm still reading your blog posts, but haven't been doing much commenting because of time.

Baby Doll

2010-08-27T16:59:00.004-05:00

I bought a little baby doll at Target today. It's just a $3 one that's barely bigger than my hand, but she's got brown eyes and a cute pink sleeper on.

While other people may buy gifts for their child's grave, I just can't fathom putting anything like that on Felicity's grave when it will be destroyed by the elements. It would just be another reminder of death, seeing it become dirty and worn, without ever having been played with. So this baby doll will hopefully make a little girl somewhere very happy when she finds it in her Operation Christmas Child box.

I will admit though, that it will be hard to pack her away. As much as I chastise the boys for all their toys lying around all over, I'd give just about anything for a bunch of dolls and little girl toys to be part of the mess.

Tidbits

2010-08-13T08:43:00.005-05:00

We have been busy at VBS this week! The big boys are having a blast, though Elijah won't talk to his teachers or classmates. I find it humorous and very much his m.o. I've been hanging out in the un-air conditioned nursery cleaning and preparing it for a remodel. Today we are home because Ethan woke up with a fever.
The humidity levels here have been hovering around 100% which makes it feel like Charleston, S.C. I visited there about 10 years ago and it was unbelievable. The ocean water was like bath water and the minute you walked outside you were dripping. I could never imagine living in a place like that.
Caleb is sitting like a pro. He can pivot on his tummy and move pretty much anywhere. We have re-installed the gate at the top of the stairs and are bracing ourselves for the stage to come. You know, the one where you have to watch the baby like a hawk and train them well. We're of the camp that believes in "houseproofing the baby" rather than babyproofing the house.
The plan is to start school next week. Should be interesting....
My laptop screen died so I'm using Paul's which is uber-small, has certain keys in the wrong location, but is much faster than mine. Mine is now tethered to our office (read: room where Paul keeps all of his toys and stuff) where we have a spare monitor. Thus I have not completed all the record keeping things I had hoped to do before school starts.
I'm feeling very disorganized these days. It always seems like I'm working on multiple projects at once and thus I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off minus the blood.
Elijah can't seem to stop falling and hurting himself. I've never used our emergency first aid kit until the past couple weeks. Here's to hoping some of his current scabs heal before he falls and breaks them open again.
Still thinking a lot about Felicity and in disbelief that it's almost been two years. Wonder when it won't feel so surreal.
So happy about all my blogging friends and the new babies that have entered their lives healthy! Praise God!
And lastly, I have 50+ tomatoes sitting on my counter all at various stages of ripening. The ground squirrels are eating them off the plants as soon as they are the slightest bit red, so I'm having to pick them daily. I'm thrilled about making pasta and pizza sauce soon and lots of it!

A Man Named John

2010-08-02T22:31:00.002-05:00

I went to my first funeral today since Felicity's. It was a beautiful service for a man who lived his life to the glory of his creator. He was a close friend of my parents who died unexpectedly. He leaves behind his wife of 28 years.

One amazing thing about this man is that he wore a flashdrive around his neck every day. He did so because when his body was raptured, he hoped someone would find the flashdrive and read the files on it. The files explained about about salvation and the rapture and the tribulation. Pretty amazing. While he has gone on to glory before the rapture, it is very obvious that his life has been an unbelievable testimony.

I hope I can be used of God the way John was.

Approaching

2010-07-26T22:09:00.003-05:00

I can hardly believe some days that Felicity's been gone almost 2 years. I recently wrote about how I feel I'm doing in my grief. Oddly enough, within days of writing that, I had some days of sadness where I spent a lot of time thinking about her.

Her pictures are displayed throughout our home, but I came across a few the other day that knocked the breath out of me when I saw them. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and even now as I'm thinking back to how that felt, I feel short of breath again.

She was so beautiful! Did I really have a baby die? In the car the other day, I flashed back to when I routinely traveled that same road to visit my midwife for appointments. It still feels so surreal to me sometimes.

Little things trigger my emotions: seeing an ambulance and wondering if it was the one that took her lifeless body to the hospital, seeing a cute little brown haired girl at the playground, sitting at the dining room table when it's dark out and seeing my reflection in the patio door. I remember doing that the night before she was born and being so tired of being pregnant. I took for granted that my baby would be born healthy and soon.

I told my friend Heidi the other day, that I kind of feel myself shutting down as Felicity's birthday approaches. I still don't know how to do this - celebrate a birthday for my daughter who's not here. And yet, I want to and I have to. The boys need to remember their sister and now that Caleb's here, I don't want it to seem like he's replaced her. The planning of these things always seems to fall on my shoulders though, and right now, I feel too weary to even think about it.

Six Months Old....

2010-07-23T17:07:00.003-05:00

....and a day!

Dear Elijah,

2010-07-21T15:18:00.002-05:00

Just today we counted it out on the calendar and in only 41 days, you will be four! Four! Where has the time gone? You are such a fun little guy. And whiny. Did I mention that yet?

Each day with you is interesting. Some days the big boy in you comes out and some days you revert to baby mode, complete with baby talk lately. Where did that come from? I admit, I love it when you want to cuddle, but I long too, for you to mature.

You've recently decided you don't want to eat toast (with peanut butter and honey) for every meal (not that we let you) and have decided you like more interesting things. Namely chips and other snack foods. Or anything with sugar in it. You will drop just about anything for food that tastes good. I hear "I'm Huuunnngggrry!" many times throughout the day and yet, it takes you SOOOO long to finish a meal.

I think it's cute that instead of saying "Am I....," you say, "Are me....?" In many ways, you walk to the beat of your own drum. I hope that grows into some good leadership skills. Right now, it's hard to imagine. Your first reaction to things that don't go your way is anger. And with the anger comes hitting and scratching. This is usually directed towards your older brother and I know sometimes he deserves it. We working on making sure he's not purposely teasing you and also working on teaching you how to ignore it. It's not been easy. For anyone.

You are a good big brother. You love Caleb. A little too much at times, but you're getting better about being gentle. Sometimes you are the first to notice when I'm sad. Your usual response to this is to say, "I'm sad about 'Licity too." And then you go back to playing. But I love that you say her name and talk about her, even if you don't remember her very well.

You are a creative kid, Elijah. You love play-dough and painting and other artistic endeavors. You are also becoming a big helper. You love to help me in the kitchen, especially with washing potatoes and fruit. You also love to help Daddy with whatever he's working on. You have made it very clear that you want to be a daddy and a policeman when you grow up. You are going to have kids so that you can do devotions with them. You also already know who you're going to marry, since you can't marry me. You've told me you love her even though she's a couple years older.

We're working on your listening skills too at this point and you're doing better. You're definitely our wild child and I already envision having you run laps or something like that before expecting you to sit still for very long to do school work. And speaking of that, you're so anxious to do school and especially to read. I'm think we'll work on it this year, though very informally.

All in all Elijah, I just want you to know how much we love you. No matter what!

Love,
Mama

Vacation ~ Part 2

2010-07-13T18:19:00.001-05:00

Duluth! Located on the southern point of Lake Superior, it is a fabulous place to visit. Up until about 5 months ago, my BFF Julie lived there. Even though we don't get up there often it was still and added bonus to see them when we did make it up there. There is so much to do and see in Duluth. Just going down to Canal Park and watching an iron-ore boat come in under the lift bridge is always an amazing sight. We got to Duluth on Monday in the late afternoon and basically had time to check into the hotel, get settled and then go out for supper. Everyone was pretty beat because of the heat. It's usually perfect 70s temp in Duluth this time of year, but the east coast heat wave affected even MN. Our dinner out at Grandma's was forgettable, except that it was our most expensive meal on vacation. Never going there again. We also agreed to eat the rest of our lunchtime meals out and do sandwiches for dinner. With young children, eating out in the evening is more work than pleasure, or so it seems for our family.

Tuesday morning we headed up to Enger Tower which is an old observation tower. There's a nice park up there with flower gardens, trails, a great view, and lots of rocks to climb on. With 3 boys, I imagine there's going to be lots of rock climbing in my future. Elijah's so funny - he called it "Anger" tower once and "Angry" tower another time.

My handsome guys!

After that we made a random stop at Best Buy and as we were walking in I heard someone yell my name. When I turned, I was shocked to see Julie across the parking lot. As she ran up to me her hubby Steve walked out of Best Buy. They had come back "home" for the w/e and had stopped at Best Buy before making the long haul back to the wilds of Iowa. We visited for awhile and she saw Caleb for the first time. It was so great to see them and their 4 girlies - very providential! Despite the time and distance that often separate us, whenever we're together we're able to just pick things up where we left off.

After a yummy lunch at Mexican Lindo, it was off to Gooseberry Falls State Park. Elijah referred to it once after we left as "Duckberry." It was perfect and cooler by the falls. Paul and the big boys climbed around on and in the falls while Caleb and I sat in the shade and enjoyed the view and some good people watching. I heard at least four different languages: an Arabic dialect, French, Spanish, and I think Dutch.

I climbed around some too. The water felt wonderful though Caleb wasn't too thrilled.

After some more exploring and a close call with a bear in a cave, we found it supper time already.

On Wednesday, we headed down to Canal Park. There is a ton of fun shops, a free maritime museum and a path along the water to walk on. Due to the heat, we spent a lot of time watching the boys (mostly Elijah though as Ethan wasn't feeling great) run through these fountains.

It was hilarious. The people who passed us by certainly got some entertainment out of watching Elijah run through these over and over again. I've heard of splash pads but we've never been to one. All Elijah needed was this though. He probably would've stayed there all day. It was one of my favorite moments during our whole vacation.

He ended up wearing a t-shirt, boxers, and water shoes to lunch since his jean shorts were soaked. We went to a pretty nice place too with cloth napkins and champagne glasses on the table. I don't think anyone noticed. At one point in the meal, he got a whiney tone in his voice and said, "When are we gonna be there?" It was pretty funny!

Ethan continued to not feel well all day. Our last stop was a playground where Caleb enjoyed swinging for a few minutes.

Thursday was Ethan's golden birthday. Poor kid felt pretty miserable on our way home. As we left the hotel I noticed one of our monarch larva had emerged from it's chrysalis (yes, we brought them with us on vacation). That was a cool birthday gift. We released it at home later that day.

It was a good vacation. Unfortunately Ethan's been sick on and off again since we've been home. The doctor doesn't think it's strep but we're still waiting on the 24 hour throat culture.

Vacation ~ Part 1

2010-07-09T09:46:00.012-05:00

Hurray! We're home from vacation! What is it about coming home? I'm always excited to go, but as I get older, coming home is better!

Last Saturday, we left for Jump River, WI to spend the weekend at Paul's sister's cabin. Unfortunately due to the weather, we weren't able to enjoy many outdoor activities. The big boys did get to throw candy in the local parade though. Ethan did a great job. Elijah did okay. He was too busy stuffing candy into his own pocket to throw much candy to the bystanders.

Paul, Caleb, and I enjoyed the parade from the comfort of the van. Caleb was more than happy to take the wheel into his own hands.

If you need anything lubed up, he's definitely your man!

"Mother, where's my candy?"

We left Jump River on Monday morning and proceeded to head towards Duluth, MN to spend the next few days. On our way there, we stopped in Spooner, WI to appease the boys' need for speed.

Caleb and I sat on the sidelines and I tried to take some photos of the two of us. Here's the best two.

During the long car ride to Duluth (2.5 hours) we alternated between listening to "Johnny Tremain" on tape and Elijah moaning and groaning. "Are we THERE yet?" "I'm HUNGRY!"

Good times.

Near Duluth, we stopped at Amnicon Falls. It was a series of beautiful waterfalls, and you could even wade down or swim in the water.

We always get comments about the boys' hats. They were purchased HERE by my parents. Paul even has the adult version and it's been great for when he's out working on our land.

While the boys went for a short hike, Caleb and I enjoyed the view. I again attempted to get some more pictures of the two of us. Caleb had already had one wardrobe change by that point.

This one cracks me up! He's certainly developing some interesting facial expressions.

Not far from there we stopped at Pattison Falls - the largest waterfall in Wisconsin. We didn't take a good photo of the falls but we did get this one of the boys and I. It was the only one of me with all of them all vacation. (I'm usually the one behind the camera.)

It was HOT and HUMID so we didn't stay long (read: everyone was crabby). On to Duluth!

Stay tuned. More to come....eventually.

This one took me hours to do as blogger and I currently have a very volatile relationship. Here's to hoping some time apart improves our communication and respect for one another.

Today

2010-06-29T08:42:00.003-05:00

Today I will.....

continue to try to explain to Elijah why we can't do something "weawy, weawy, weawy, weawy, weawy, weawy (x5) fun" every day.
welcome Ethan home after being gone at his dad's for 9 days! We missed you, blonde boy!
Show Ethan how to clean out the caterpillar container and rejoice that I won't have to do it myself anymore!
wash a load of cloth diapers and hang them out to dry, since it's appearing today will be the perfect summer day (Perfect in my mind = 70s and sunny).
attempt to fold and put away 2-6 loads of laundry
attempt to finish up Caleb's scrapbook through 4 months
add a couple of pages to Ethan and Elijah's scrapbooks
tell Elijah to stop whining approximately 5,237 times
nurse Caleb too many times to count (therefore forgetting each time, which side he nursed on last)
Enjoy every nursing and snuggle session with Caleb.
Go outside with the boys
Make sandwiches and such for our field trip/park day tomorrow - we're going to be touring Rainbow Foods and learn about "healthy" eating.
Pull Caleb's thumb out of his mouth every 10 minutes.
And finish vacuuming

What are you doing today?

Almost Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-23T14:29:00.004-05:00

Brothers and sister (note the mug with Felicity's photo on the end table)

Two of our four Monarch larvae

A hummingbird visit the feeder

Our garden (trying out a new method of weed control this year!)

Diapers drying on my new deck clothesline (thanks Paul!)

5 months old and definitely Heaven sent!

Grief After A Rainbow Baby Arrives

2010-06-20T22:56:00.008-05:00

It's pretty unusual for me to be up this late - 11pm - blogging. We just got done watching a movie and I should be hittin' the hay, but thought I try to pound out a quick post.

I remember 18 months ago, I was ALWAYS up late, reading baby loss blogs and blogging myself. Those late hours were my sanity in my very insane world. Felicity's death consumed me during that time. Though my children were fed, clothed, schooled, and the house was decent, I wasn't really all there. My grieving mama friend Sara just wrote about this too. I spent pretty much each waking hour dreaming of a baby who wasn't in my arms and thinking about getting pregnant again.

Well, here I am. My "Rainbow baby" will be 5 months on Tuesday. He is so sweet! We love him deeply. So how am I doing with my grief these days? I guess if you could watch my life in real time for a week, I'd look pretty normal to you. No crying spells or depression though I struggle with the things every mom struggles with: training my children, getting the laundry washed, folded, and put away, and getting dinner made. All normal things.

I miss Felicity like crazy, of course and I think about her every day. But these days I'm not consumed by it any more. It's a relief really, to be able to embrace the present, rather than dreaming of the past or wishing the future would come more quickly. I love taking care of Caleb in all his sweet 5 month old chubbiness. (I'll post some pictures this week, hopefully!) And I'm busy keeping up with my big boys and trying to be intentional with them in everything we do.

I don't spend my time searching for baby loss blogs anymore, though when I do come across them, I ALWAYS have to read about their baby loss. I feel a kinship with anyone who's walked this road. I can meet someone, in real life or online and instantly feel connected to them when I know we're both on a grief journey. There's so much comfort in knowing you're not alone. And it is a journey, one that won't be complete until Heaven.

So I'm living life, enjoying life, though always longing for Heaven. For now, I'm content and at peace. God is good, all the time and for that, I'm so very thankful.

ERGO GIVEAWAY

2010-06-18T14:28:00.001-05:00

Check out Raising Olives for an opportunity to win a free ERGO baby carrier.

Here on the Range....

2010-06-15T22:35:00.004-05:00

Yes, I admit, I'm too busy these days to blog, much less get supper on the table in a timely manner. (Caleb, sweet as he is, has decided that supper time is a good fussy time, usually because he's tired.) But I did find time during a nursing session to locate a new blog background, which I love once I figured out how to change my font colors - ugh!

We're feeling a bit claustrophobic with all the rain and cool weather we've been having here in MN. I won't complain about not having to run the a.c., but it would be nice to see the sun once in awhile. Tomorrow's finally supposed to be a clear day, so we're planning an outing to a special park. Hopefully I can remember my camera and take some photos of the boys.

We're also getting ready for Ethan to go to his dad's for a week. This is both a physical and emotional preparation for Ethan (and us). There's usually some behaviors that present themselves when a visit has been scheduled, though thankfully this is getting slightly better each time. He will be missed by everyone and I'm already thinking of activities to do while he's gone as Elijah may be a little lost without Ethan to play with (and fight with!).

Home improvement projects take up the weekends this time of year and now my husband is declaring war on the pocket gophers on our property. Should be interesting to see where that leads. I still regret telling him when we first moved in to not shoot one we saw, "because he's sooo cute!" I certainly learned my lesson on that one as it's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandgophers are the ones destroying our property now.

Well, I'm off to bed - finally! Have a blessed week!

Summertime Goals

2010-06-07T20:44:00.005-05:00

Summer is here and we have one more day of homeschooling! Woohoo! I love homeschooling, as hard as it can be at times, but boy, we all need a break come summer. I applaud those who can homeschool year round, but it just doesn't work for us. We usually take a two month break from June to August.

I have many plans for what I need to get done during the summer. I thought blogging them would be just about as good as writing them done in a to-do list. Actually this way, I think I'll be more focused on completing them.

Here's the list:

Gardening - this is hopefully going to be mostly harvesting, eating, and preserving (I'd love to get 24 quarts of spaghetti sauce made from our tomatoes). Paul laid down hay prior to planting so we're hoping the weeds are minimal.
Read a new curriculum piece and learn how to implement it: Spell to Write and Read. At this point I'm not even sure it'll be relevant for Ethan as he reads and writes really well, but it will be for Elijah soon.
Learn and implement a computerized tracking system for homeschooling. This is not a requirement for our state, but we thought it would help keep things more organized and be easier than my current system.
Scrapbooking - I need to catch up on both Elijah's and Caleb's especially. I'd also like to work more on Felicity's if I have the opportunity.
Take the kids to the park - the nursery moms at my church have organized some park days where we go to different parks and bring packed lunches. This is great for me and the boys! The other moms are a fun group and I enjoy the conversation. We're also doing some field trips which will be fun.
Exercise - three to four times/week
Lose 20 pounds or more - I'm in the worse shape of my life after having back to back pregnancies, not to mention all the stress after losing Felicity and carrying Caleb. Breastfeeding hasn't proven has helpful as I'd hoped. Basically I feel like my metabolism has taken a sabbatical and my hunger has jumped into overdrive.
Blog more, but spend less time on the computer (if that makes sense)
Go on vacation - we're currently planning on, just need to book a hotel.
Clean out the minivan!
Read aloud more - We're currently reading Treasures of the Snow but it's been awhile since we picked it up.
Find good books on tape for travel time on vacation.
Have Paul build deck clothesline for hanging cloth diapers to dry.
Clean laundry room.
Clean downstairs.
Write in my journal.
Have more quiet time reading the Bible. I was doing the 'read through the Bible in a year' program, but am currently so far behind it's gonna take me two years!

I'm sure there's much more I could add, but I'm having a brain-fart at this point so I'll probably have to come back and edit this. I plan on reviewing it come mid-August to let you know what I've accomplished.

"Wow, three boys!"

2010-05-28T19:22:00.001-05:00

It seems like everywhere we go, people comment about the fact that we have three boys.

"Wow, three boys! You must be busy."

"Three boys? Are you going to try for a girl?"

"What, no girls?"

These types of statements have given me the best opportunities to tell people about my only daughter.

Just today, I talked about Felicity to three different people: the gal at Burger King who commented to us as we were leaving, the lady who cut my hair, and a woman at the bank. I even pulled out a photo album I carry around with me to show one of them her NILMDTS pictures.

I'm proud of my daughter. I want people to see her pictures. I want people to know about stillbirth and to have a face to put with it. I want her short life to have meaning.

I don't know what kind of impact I'm having when I share with these people, but talking about Felicity helps me. Each time it gets a little easier. And when I tell people I have a daughter in Heaven and they see a smile on my face, I hope that they wonder why I'm able to smile about it. Sometimes they even ask or comment about how hard it is and I'm able to share a little more.

Felicity may not be with us, but she continues to have a legacy.

Four Months Old

2010-05-22T19:09:00.006-05:00

Caleb,

You are such a joy-bringer! I love waking up with you each morning, though you usually sleep awhile longer than I can. One of my favorite parts of the day is watching you open your eyes in the morning, recognize me, and smile. Your presence in our family is healing my heart on so many levels.

Love,

Mama

Busyness in Photos

2010-05-19T15:23:00.004-05:00

Here's some photos of what's been going on lately. First off, this baby just keeps getting cuter and sweeter as the days go by. Can't believe he'll be 4 months old on Saturday!

Ethan (second kid from left) "graduated" from AWANA sparks. It was his third year and he completed all three books. AWANA stands for 'Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed' and is our Wednesday night children's program. It's great and the kids learn lots of scripture while having fun. It's most common at Evangelical Free Churches. Check it out near you!

Elijah (second from right and looking very stoic) finished his first year of AWANA Cubbies. Despite his stoicism in the photo, he loves it!

This is my "nursery moms group" decked out for the annual AWANA carnival. Each year we choose a theme and base our games around it. This year's western theme included "pin the badge on the sheriff" and lassoing the rocking horse.

And finally, our baby/child dedication at church. As I stood on stage, I looked down upon the stand below me where Felicity's casket was during her memorial just 18 months prior. I held back the tears because of missing her and at the same time thanked God for her and for Caleb.

List

2010-05-11T07:44:00.005-05:00

Because my thoughts have no cohesive pattern this morning, I thought I'd just write a list of all that's happened and what I'm thinking about. I love lists.

They complete me.

Actually they don't, but they do make me feel a bit more organized. (Emphasis on "feel" because making lists doesn't actually make me more organized unfortunately.)

But a girl can hope.

Here goes:

1) Mother's Day was nice, even though my own mother was traveling to Michigan to be with my grandma who had been admitted to the hospital that morning. I still haven't heard much about what's going on. So anyway, it was a nice day, surrounded by my boys, husband, dad, and brother. I thought a lot about many of you who are struggling through Mother's Day with empty arms!

2) Nursing is going better, thank God. (And I have!) The issue (see my comments from my last post) is not totally resolved, but it's improving. Thanks for your prayers!

3) Both big boys are fighting colds and coughs and I'm praying Caleb doesn't get sick.

4) I'm finally sending (or getting ready to send) a wedding gift that's almost a year late.

5) I had an Usborne books party on Saturday which was fun and I'm super excited to get the books I ordered! Birthdays and Christmas are definitely taken care of this year!

6) I feel old - I've been dealing with back and hip pain (common after having a baby) that's most painful at night and it just plain makes me feel old.

7) Still considering painting inside my house. That's as far as I've gotten. It's gonna happen, I just don't know when.

8) We have 20 days left of school! Woohoo! Ethan got his standardized testing scores back and he did awesome - scoring in the 99th percentile!

9) The weather here in MN is bizarre, but normal, I guess for Minnesota. A week ago it was 80 degrees. Then Saturday we woke up to snow on the ground. Sunday was beautiful and now it's wet and rainy again. I am glad we haven't planted the garden yet, considering this past week we've had multiple nights of hard frost.

10) I'm not totally sold on this new blog template, so it may change again.

Have a good week!

Overwhelmed

2010-05-05T07:01:00.003-05:00

I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a LONG time.

Life has been incredibly busy here for the last few weeks and I'm hoping that in a week or so, I'll feel like I can breathe again. In the last two weeks alone, we've had standardized testing to do, a field trip, a garage sale, illness, a baby dedication, and our AWANA carnival. Amongst all the busyness, I've been dealing with a breastfeeding problem. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I cherish nursing my babies. Yet I've had this issue with all three of them and each time it's painful and heartrending because I want to be able to enjoy each nursing session. Instead they are painful and I begin to doubt whether nursing will ever be a pain-free experience again.

Because I was feeling low last night, it got me to thinking more about Felicity. I mean, I think of her daily, especially now that Caleb is in my arms. Seeing him grow has only caused me to miss Felicity more. So last night's tears were for her too.

I'm finding that in this second year of grief, many of my blurry memories from Felicity's death and afterwards are becoming more clear. Often times as I remember them, I feel like I'm living them all over again, but with more feeling since it's no longer clouded by shock. The pain feels so fresh and raw often times. Caleb pulls me back to the present with his smiles though. And then, even though it still hurts, I can smile and thank God for ALL His blessings. But, oh, how I long for Heaven most days....

Three Months Old on Earth Day

2010-04-22T16:46:00.005-05:00

I can't believe just three months ago, this sweet babe was born. It feels like he's always been a part of our family. We are so blessed!

After reading on the calendar that today was Earth Day, Caleb picked this oufit to wear. (I tell ya, homeschooling sure makes 'em smart awfully young!) I bought it at a thrift store. How green is that? Caleb did his part too - after taking these photos, he promptly spit-up all over himself.

It's his version of recycling.

M.A.C.H.E.

2010-04-19T08:40:00.012-05:00

Paul and I (and Caleb, of course) returned home yesterday from vacation.

Okay, so it was really a homeschool conference. But seeing as how I didn't have to do any cooking or cleaning, and I was able to put on a facial mask one evening and take a bonus shower another, it was like a vacation. With a lot of educational overstimulation thrown in. And a lot of walking.

M.A.C.H.E. stands for Minnesota Association of Christian Home Educators and every year they have a conference full of speakers and educational vendors. This year it was held in Rochester, home of the world famous Mayo Clinic.

This was our second year attending and my third year of teaching Ethan at home. (For those who didn't know, I have a B.A. in Elementary Education, but I don't believe that's necessary to teach one's children well at home.) This is a journey we have embarked on for a variety of reasons and overall, it has been a good journey. After attending the conference this year, I am encouraged and excited to continue this journey of home education.

There are so many methods and curriculum that one can choose from. Last year we were pretty overwhelmed with the whole conference. This year we were a bit more prepared. Carrying Caleb in the sling the whole time was tiring, but so much nicer than last year when my arms were empty and there were so many babies and pregnant women all around. This year I was able to smile at the babies and admire the bellies, without any pain. There's still sadness, but not physical pain.

It was fun seeing lots of friends I don't often see. We saw and chatted with MckMama and her husband. She said I was only the third stalker, I mean, blogger to come up to her. I also talked to the first boy I ever kissed (for the record, I now advocate waiting until marriage to kiss!) and Candy McVikkar, the founder of MissingGrace, an amazing local organization. Then I was spotted by a blog reader, which has never happened before and was kind of bizarre. I think her name was Deidra but my post-pregnancy brain could be failing me yet again. (Nice to meet you!)

Anyhoo, it was a fun weekend. I'm blessed that Paul enjoys going to these conferences as well and is my biggest encourager when it comes to homeschooling. Not to mention, he doesn't mind spending money on things that are "educational." Now to find the time to organize all our purchases.....

Illustory

2010-04-14T15:19:00.007-05:00

Some of you may remember this funny post.

Well, Ethan took that event and wrote a mostly true story for school. Then using a product called Illustory he had it published.

All 6 copies arrived in the mail today and we are thrilled with the results.

I will treasure our copy; it's even signed by the author.

And as a bonus, feast your eyes on the cute baby:

It's So Easy....

2010-04-13T13:53:00.003-05:00

to get caught up in my own troubles of the day. Things like our mailbox being knocked down by hoodlums in the night (ah, country life!) and our fairly new washing machine getting plugged up by something and not draining.

It's easy to get overwhelmed by so many things. For me, they are usually the little things. Things that may be difficult in the moment, but in the long run are of little consequence. I can get really stressed by these things (and I usually do), but slowly I'm learning to let go of them and live in the moment.

Moments where Elijah, instead of throwing a fit, is snuggly and wants to read a story or says something that is funny. Moments where Caleb stops nursing to gaze into my eyes and then smiles a two-dimpled smile. Moments when Ethan and I can do something together like play a game or watch on youtube video about something we're studying in school. Moments where Paul and I can talk and feel really connected to one another.

Today I ache for a friend who's home got struck by lightning either in the night or early this morning. Thankfully her neighbor saw the fire, alerted them, and they got out alright. I ache for her as she has faced similar life struggles as I have, and yet, she continues to smile, laugh, and be a blessing to others. Today I will wring out the cloth diapers by hand and be thankful that I have a home. I will hug my boys and let them know I love them. I will pray for my friend and hope that I can help her in some way.

My Three Sons

2010-04-05T19:04:00.003-05:00

Ethan (7.5): Inventive, creative, imaginative, lover of books and building things. Generous, helper, loves holding and snuggling Caleb, good at memorizing, stubborn, good student, has the skinniest legs, affectionately called "Blonde Boy," loves macaroni and cheese, and enjoys playing with friends and spending time with family.

Elijah (3.5): feisty, distracted, whiny, quite the snuggler, entertaining, bouncy, wild, quiet until he feels comfortable with you and then will talk your ear off, covers his nose whenever he's sitting on the toilet, lover of toast with peanut butter and honey, and very blunt.

(This face is not a naughty face but a face that we have coined Elijah's "Klingon Face" despite him having no idea what a klingon is!)

Caleb (10.5 weeks): easygoing, mellow, falls asleep anywhere, loves to nurse and sleep with Mommy and Daddy, smiley and happy as long as his tummy is full and his diaper is clean, and loved by all.

These are my three (earthly) sons and I am very blessed!

Spring Has Sprung

2010-03-23T13:14:00.008-05:00

Well, it's officially spring as of this past weekend. "It's the vernal equonix!" as my seven year old told me. (That's how he said it!) Unfortunately in Minnesota, a date on the calendar saying spring is here, usually just means we've got another few weeks of winter left.

March this year has been unusual for us, lots of sunny days in the 40s and 50s, some rain and NO snow. It makes me a little nervous for how April is going to be. But I'm loving this weather while we have it. I don't care a lot for the extreme temperatures, so spring and fall are my favorite seasons.

There's so much to be done in the spring. I'm trying to go through the boys' clothing, putting away things that are too small and for cold temps and bringing out some bigger stuff and things that are more appropriate for these warmers temps. For those of you with multiple children, you understand how much work this chore is. Plus we're planning on having a garage sale, so I'm trying to stockpile everything that's going to be sold. I LOVE getting rid of things and it's even better if we can make some money in the process.

The boys have been playing outside every chance they get, getting covered in sand playing in the cold sandbox and riding bikes and trikes all around. They also didn't mind the many puddles the melting snow created. We saw our first bluebird of the season yesterday and today both he and his mate were all over the deck and flying around right by the window.

Springtime in the country means a horridly bumpy dirt road and planning and preparing our garden. We're opting for smaller this year and hoping to have less weeds since Paul's getting a new mower with a bagger and we can put the grass clippings in the garden. The chickens are laying again (yay!) and digging up the garden quite nicely. Only the rooster has been getting out of the garden so far which means that my new landscaping is again in jeopardy. I'm wondering if they will leave it alone once Paul moves the coop out of the garden and farther from the house.

I anxiously awaiting growth on both the landscaping plants as well as Felicity and Jeremiah's trees. I don't think the trees faired well over the winter and they may need to be replaced. I was hoping to do some landscaping around Felicity's headstone, but we found out on Sunday it's not allowed because things get in the way of mowing. We may try to place a permanent flower holder but drill it into the cement base so that it won't ever be moved.

Along with the itch to get things cleaned and organized, I'm thinking about doing some painting. I crave color, as weird as it sounds. We didn't do any painting when we moved in and so we have off white walls everywhere except the downstairs family room which is a buttery tan color. Maybe it's a midlife crisis?! I guess if painting is the extent of a midlife crisis, Paul will be getting off easy!

Charming

2010-03-21T08:12:00.004-05:00

Cute

2010-03-14T15:10:00.000-05:00

Here's some recent shots of Caleb (and company).

Here's the front of Caleb's scrapbook that I made. I have made them for all my boys with a variety of pictures and sayings "decoupaged" on the album cover. Caleb had enough ultrasound pictures that I didn't need to use anything else.

This is the back cover and below is an inside page. I write a lot of descriptive stuff in their books and they love to read them and look at the pictures.

One in my Arms, Two in my Heart

2010-03-03T13:14:00.003-06:00

Thoughts and emotions have been swirling around me for many days, I just haven't had the time, energy, or words to blog about the way I'm feeling.

My big boys are at Gramma's today, so I finally feel like I'm able to write it out.

My heart is so full of love for this new little life we've been entrusted with. Every day, I'm overcome by the love I have for Caleb. And from this love, stems greater love for Ethan and Elijah too. I'm so thankful for my little men!

But I'm always remembering Felicity and Jeremiah and missing them. I'll be honest, because Jeremiah was miscarried so early, I don't quite know how to visualize what I'm missing. But with Felicity, I have a face, and pictures, and the memory of the weight of her in my arms.

When I took Caleb to the doctor last week for his one month appointment, he weighed 9lbs. 12.3 oz. and though I could tell he'd grown a lot, I couldn't believe he still wasn't as big as Felicity was at birth (9.15) I see little girls everywhere and am always comparing them to Felicity - whether she'd be bigger or smaller, more active or more talkative. It's so hard not knowing what she would've been like. I have to remind myself sometimes in my grief, that she is LIVING and WHOLE and PERFECT in Heaven, even if I can't see her....yet!

Today I was finally able to put words to why I have this overwhelming love for Caleb and all his cute baby-ness. It's because I'm not just holding him, I'm holding Felicity too. When I nurse him, it's the closest I get to nursing her. When I change Caleb's diaper and coo at him while he's on the changing table, in a way I'm interacting with Felicity too. I didn't get to do any of those things with her, and so I'm overcome with the emotions I have when I do them with Caleb. I'm loving two babies when I kiss him and snuggle him up close.

I wonder how these feelings will change over time. Will it always feel this intense?

One Month Old Already?!

2010-02-22T16:03:00.006-06:00

3.5 weeks old3.5 weeks old

4 weeks old

One month old today

I can't believe how quickly one month has gone by!

Caleb is doing great and for my lack of posting, I'm still catching up on sleep. (I don't remember being this tired at one month with Elijah though Ethan was not in school yet and we were living in a small apartment, so there was a lot less to clean, etc.) All else is well though. Tomorrow is Caleb's one month checkup and they will draw blood again to check his bilirubin and CBC panel.

I can't imagine there will need to be any intervention at this point, but they have to follow up on him. I am guessing he weighs 10 lbs. already based on weighing him on our bathroom scale.

He has now has a full set of eyelashes (so neat to see them growing longer each day) and a receding hairline. His head started peeling the other day and with that, his hair started thinning on top. I don't remember this happening with the other boys, but I'm sure it's not a concern.

We're still waiting for an intentional smile and the chance to see his double dimples in action. For the most part, I'd say he's a happy baby, though like most babies, he prefers to be held over being set down and we're usually happy to oblige. He is co-sleeping with us like our other boys did, but we have a small pack and play he can sleep in when I need him too. He has such big eyes and I love seeing him stare up at me. He is such a blessing and I'm trying to memorize every detail of his baby-ness.

Lovingly Made and Written

2010-02-13T07:41:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I received a package from Bethany, a blog reader and faithful friend, though we have not met in person. Inside was a beautiful handmade blanket for Caleb, but it was her words especially that warmed my heart.

Dear Rachel,

Praise God for the birth of your precious son, Caleb. He is the fruition of the earnest prayers of many saints and the evidence of the grace of God. As he learns and grows, you will share with him the story of another precious little one, who is also evidence of the grace of God, tainted with sorrow and grief though it be. Felicity will always be a part of your family and for this we rejoice. Because the very joy that is evident in her name reveals the joy she is existing in even now, and the joy that is promised to all who cling to Jesus, even though we cannot taste it fully until the day that we are with Him forever. This is why I wanted to include Felicity and Jeremiah's initials in Caleb's blanket. (The F upside down looks like a J.) They are just as much a part of his history as Elijah and Ethan. Caleb will always remember, just as we do now.

Much love,

Your sister in Christ,

Bethany

"Let me hear joy and gladness...let the bones that you have broken rejoice." Psalm 51:8

Caleb's Birth Story.....Finally!

2010-02-08T17:02:00.002-06:00

First bath

All photos at 9 days old

We arrived at the hospital at 6 a.m. on the 22nd as directed. A nurse checked us in and showed us to the birthing room we’d be using. She went over my information and chatted for a bit. Over the course of the day, she was the first of three nurses we’d see as the shifts changed.

I had to change into the hospital gown and get hooked up to a monitor. It was such a relief to hear Caleb’s heartbeat throughout most of the day. Normally I’d have been all for minimizing interventions during labor, but the monitoring was important to me because of Felicity’s death. Overall, we were incredibly pleased with how the hospital handled our birth.

The OB on the floor came in to talk with us about how the day was going to progress and the perinatologist also came in to discuss things. (He was the doctor who did our original consultation with Maternal Fetal Medicine back in July, but since then I had not seen him at any of my appointments.) They wanted to start off with a dose of cytotek, which would help to ripen my cervix. I was still only a cm dilated. Depending on how ready my body was for labor that might be all I needed. Otherwise, I could receive up to four doses of cytotek (four hours apart) and then proceed with pitocin to really get labor going. We’d just have to see how my body handled everything.

I was hooked up to an IV due to be Group Beta Strep positive. I needed to have 4 hours of penicillin prior to Caleb’s birth, which is actually a five hour process because there needed to be an hour between the two doses. The first dose of penicillin was really uncomfortable; it felt like it was burning my arm as it went into my vein. After the initial dose of the cytotek in my cervix at around 8 am, I began having light contractions after about 20 minutes. The nurse said this was pretty unusual. The contractions continued to be light for a couple of hours, but then started to increase in frequency. Slowly they started to increase in intensity too, but I was able to handle them easily. The doctor checked me sometime after 12:30 and I was dilated to 3-4 cm and with very little discomfort from the contractions. Because the contractions were coming so frequently at that point though they couldn’t give me any more cytotek OR start me on pitocin. We were excited by the thought that I might not need anything further to really get labor going. I was restricted to a clear fluid lunch (beef broth, jello, sherbert type stuff, and juice), though I cheated just a little.

I tried to do more movement after eating lunch at about 1:30, but it was kind of hard due to the cords from the monitor and the IV, not to mention the hospital gown wasn’t covering a whole lot. So I paced and stood in one place and moved my hips back and forth. I also rocked in a rocking chair. The contractions continued to pick up both in intensity and frequency. Finally at close to 2:30 as I was standing and swaying back and forth, I felt a weird sensation, like something was stuck and then not. Right away I felt my water dribbling out. What I had felt was the amniotic sac move through my pelvis and break. My parents arrived just then and I continued to leak more and more water. Soon after that I moved into active labor.

I’d say within about 10 minutes the contractions were getting hard to get through regardless of my position. My back was aching during each one despite Paul applying counter pressure. I had back labor with Ethan (my first) and it is not fun. This wasn’t quite as bad, but it was bad enough. I tried sitting in the rocking chair, leaning against the hospital bed on a pile of pillows, and finally I got onto the bed because I was starting to worry that if I didn’t move soon, I eventually wouldn’t be able to.

During this point in labor I was thinking of Felicity. I was remembering my labor with her and how intense it was, though at the time I didn’t know she had died. I was also thinking of all my grieving mommy friends. I thought about all of them that went through labor (or c-sections), knowing that their babies had died. I was struggling to get through labor and all the while I could hear Caleb’s heart beating away on the monitor. I could only imagine how incredibly painful it must have been to labor in physical pain while being in so much emotional anguish knowing your baby was gone from this world.

At about 3:15 (I’m not totally sure of the exact time) I was in a hands and knees position on the hospital bed, leaning on a pile of pillows, when I began to feel “pushy.” I said so and the nurse called the doctor, but both the perinatologist and the OB on call had been called down to the OR. So they sent in the midwife on call, who just happened to be the midwife who caught Ethan 7.5 years ago. (I wasn’t too fond of her back then; she just isn’t very friendly and does not have the right demeanor for being a midwife.) She checked me and said that I was dilated to 6. This was SO hard to hear since I was feeling like I might need to push. I got upset and told them I needed something for the pain. I was exhausted and the contractions were right on top of one another or so it seemed to me, not to mention the pain of having back labor. Both Paul and my mom encouraged me to keep going, but I was at my breaking point.

My dad finally had to escort my mother out. (My mom and I have a great relationship, but I’ve learned to set definite boundaries when she can’t deal with decisions I’ve made. I love you Mom, but you understand this part of our relationship!) I moved to sitting on the edge of the bed, while they went to get me a shot of morphine. To my knowledge (I was pretty unaware of anything but the pain at this point), Paul and the nurse were the only ones in the room. I sat on the edge of the bed for a few contractions before feeling the urge to push once again and harder at this point. I said I needed to push and the nurse quickly called for the doctor or midwife. I moved back onto the bed all the way and then another contraction hit. I think the perinatologist just made it into the room and to the bed, when I pushed. Caleb came into the world with that single push at 3:55 pm. I never even felt him crown, it all happened so fast.

He was put on my chest and we all marveled at his small, perfect body. It was pretty obvious by just looking at him that he was my smallest baby. We called my parents to inform them that he had arrived and they came back to the room. The doctor had to take him back after a few minutes to suction his mouth and nose. This process took a good 5-10 minutes. I couldn’t see him too well, but Paul was right next to him and everyone was telling me what was happening. I had already delivered the placenta, without much effort. It was then that it all hit. He was alive! He was okay! I asked if the cord had any issues and the OB said it was fine. I started to cry thinking of all we had been through in the last 15+ months. I cried for Felicity. I cried for my grieving mama friends. I cried because I was happy and tired and had a beautiful baby. Finally he was back in my arms and then nursing! I thanked God for being merciful and allowing Caleb to be born healthy and alive.

Busy Happy Mama

2010-02-05T16:28:00.004-06:00

Sorry for my lack of posting. It's not because things are going poorly. In fact, they're going really well. Sure I could use some additional sleep, but other than that I can't complain.

Caleb's bilirubin levels were normal when I took him to the doctor on Monday. They don't need to check him again until one month of age. He's looking and doing great! No more prayers needed on the "poop front." We're good. Seriously, you can stop praying now! Because of his Hemolytic Disease (which is the medical name for what he's dealt with), he still needs to be monitored until about two months of age, unlike other babies just dealing with jaundice which for them typically peaks by the seventh day of life. I'm not sure if I explained that before or not.

We're adjusting to life with a baby - how it affects parenting other children and homeschooling Ethan, but we're all happy to make whatever adjustments needed. Elijah has stepped up to the plate of being a big brother. Sure, he still has his moments, but for the most part I'm really impressed with how he's handling his new role.

I'm loving my little men more now that Caleb has entered our lives. I think about Felicity often as well, but haven't felt any overwhelming grief since Caleb's birth. I just look at him and trust in God's plan for our lives.

And yes, I'm still working on that birth story. Maybe it'll be ready to post this weekend?

One Week Old

2010-01-29T13:16:00.005-06:00

Still working on that birth story, which may have to be posted in parts due to my incredible sleepiness (for the best reason in the world!) and lack of time (also for the best reason!).

His blood draw yesterday showed that his bilirubin had risen almost two points, but still is the okay range. He had his blood drawn again this a.m., so we'll see what that one is and go from there. But here are some photos taken today of Caleb. We think he's pretty special!

We're Home!!!

2010-01-27T11:46:00.003-06:00

Finally, as a family of five, we arrived home yesterday afternoon. Paul and the boys had been staying in the cities with my parents during my hospital stay with Caleb, so that Paul could be close to me and close to work. It's SOOO good to be home! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your prayers.

I want to include the full hospital stay story in Caleb's birth story, which I hope to write soon. As much as there is to do when you have a newborn, I find it really important to write it out as soon as possible so I don't forget details.

But in the meantime, I'll tell you that Caleb is doing well - nursing, sleeping, and being alert, which is very important for a baby with hyper bilirubin levels (HDFN) so that we know he's doing okay. The bilirubin makes him incredibly tired, so if he was sleeping around the clock, we'd definitely have to take him in.

I take him to the doctor tomorrow morning to get his levels checked again. The NICU docs told us to expect them to have risen. If they are up too high, they will order us a bili "blanket" to use at home. Hopefully nothing more extreme will need to be done unless his levels skyrocket. Until then, please pray that he continues to poop and pee A LOT as that is now the only way the bilirubin can get out of his little system.

Blessings!

Soon....

2010-01-24T11:43:00.005-06:00

...I'll be holding Caleb in my arms as I was told this morning that he can breastfeed today! As soon as he's alert enough they'll let me nurse him, central line and all. His bili rubin levels are "really good" according the doctor this a.m.

...he'll have his central line out. We found out during rounds today that they don't think a blood transfusion will be needed and that they hope to take it out tonight and replace it with an i.v. He still needs i.v. fluids in case of dehydration.

...he might be sleeping next to me, in a boarding room, under bili lights, but with me so I can be right near him to breastfeed during the night.

...we could be home! Sooner than I thought. He has to be taking all his nutrition via mouth. Because the jaundice makes him sleepy, breastfeeding may be harder, but I'm no quitter!

Praise the Lord for quickly answered prayer! Here are some more photos taken Friday night before we knew the results of his blood work.

Update on Caleb

2010-01-23T12:09:00.005-06:00

Caleb is doing well - he is stable though his bilirubin levels are still high. We saw a fluctuation during the night and he is in the NICU still.

They just started him on some medication (IVIG) to hopefully bring his levels down even more along with the phototherapy (bili lights). Since bilirubin levels peak around day 7, I am thinking his stay will be at least a week. I'd rather prepare mentally and emotionally for the longer stay rather than hope for a short one and be disappointed if it doesn't happen.

I will stay at the hospital probably until tomorrow and then commute back and forth during the day to be with him and bring him breastmilk. The pump and I have not yet come to an agreement on the type of relationship we're going to have, so I'd appreciate your prayers in that area as well. My admiration for moms who pump is increasing every two to three hours.

I got kind of emotional this morning about not having him with me nor being able to hold him because at this point we can't even do that due to his central line (through the umbilical stump)and the fact that he needs the constant phototherapy. I'm doing better this afternoon and hoping to get a quick nap in before the pump and I have it out again.

Thanks for your continued prayers! I hope to tell you more about his birth soon.

In the NICU

2010-01-22T21:25:00.001-06:00

Caleb was admitted to the NICU at about 8:30 pm due to his bilirubin levels being high with the potential to go higher.

He is under the bili lights and receiving medication to help his levels decrease. They also put in a central line to be prepare for an exchange blood transfusion should his levels not decrease. They will check him every 4-6 hours.

Please pray for us and him especially as we wait to hear good news!

Our God is Merciful

2010-01-22T18:43:00.004-06:00

Caleb Isaac Schwendinger

7lbs, 14oz; 19 inches

After 1.5 hours of hard labor and one push he arrived at 3:55 PM, January 22nd. Praise the Lord!

Mommy and Daddy are overjoyed. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Blood test results for iron levels and Bilirubin are pending. Please join us in praying that they are good and no additional intervention is needed.

Regarding the Contest: The winner is Cortney Heath who guessed 8 pounds 7 ounces. Please email Rachel (rschwendingerathotmaildotcom) your address so she can send you your prize.

Love from the Schwendingers.

Details and a Contest

2010-01-19T19:35:00.003-06:00

I am officially counting down the hours until Friday. We have to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. for my induction. First off will be i.v. antibiotics as I tested positive for GBS, so I'm not quite sure how long I'll be on that before they'll start the induction. They want me to have four hours of it before the actual birth and my last labor was only 2 hours, so it'll be interesting to see how they want to time it all.

I went to my regular doc on Monday and I'm 1 cm dilated. I'm hoping to be farther along come Friday, since I'm no longer on modified bed rest and am back to my regular routine. Which means I'm still not doing much since I'm sooo tired all the time. And the contractions are getting more intense.

Anyway, we will appreciate all prayers on Friday. After Caleb is born, they will test his hemoglobin and bilirubin levels via the cord blood, to determine whether he needs a transfusion and whether he'll need time under the bili lights, which is common for antibody babies. I'm praying to have as much contact with him as possible and to be able to get breastfeeding off to a good start. We are planning at this point to bring the laptop to the hospital (and a camera, of course), so we can alert people to his arrival as soon as possible.

AND NOW FOR THE CONTEST PART:

Guess Caleb's birth weight!

You have until we post/email info. about his arrival to guess what he weighs. Please pay attention to what those have guessed ahead of you as I will take the first correct (or closest) answer.

What do you win?

If you know me at all, this is easy to figure out! Homemade dishcloths. Whatever number in his birth weight is biggest (lbs or oz), that's how many I'll send you. So if he weighs 8.6 you get 8 dishcloths or if he weighs 9.12, then you get 12 dishcloths. And to help you in the guessing, here's a little info about my other babies birth weights:

Ethan: 8lbs,4oz. born at 39 weeks and 4 days

Elijah: 9lbs, 3 oz. born at 39 weeks and 3 days

Felicity: 9lbs, 15 oz. born at 41 weeks and 1 day

I'll be 39 weeks gestation on Friday.

Blessings,

Graduation Day

2010-01-15T08:21:00.003-06:00

Today's my last MFM appointment - Woohoo! Last week they told us that the staff all stands and claps for the couples on their last appointment like a graduation. Cheesy, huh? But it's been a long road and I will gladly be done.

Due all the "issues" surrounding possible pre-eclampsia having calmed down over the past couple of days, I think my perinatologist is going to want to stick with the original plan of inducing on the 22nd.

ONE MORE WEEK!

Paul and I were watching a movie last night and I had visions of cuddling with Caleb in the not so distant evenings and I was filled with so much excitement and hope! Please, please God, let everything turn out okay.

Today is the last time I have to pack my hospital bag with the potential of needing it (if Caleb were sick). Next week it'll be for real.

More Drama

2010-01-13T09:12:00.000-06:00

My blood work from Monday's appointment came back showing that my platelet count is low (sign of preeclampsia). So yesterday I had to go to the local hospital and have more blood drawn. My doc told me that if it was low again, she'd need to contact Maternal Fetal Medicine about having Caleb arrive earlier than the 22nd.

Last night she called to say that my platelet count was even lower, but my 24 hour urine came back okay. She had called MFM and they agree that Caleb may need to come earlier. I have an appt. with her at 10 am today and we'll see how things are looking (blood pressure, etc.) After that, she will consult with MFM about what is going to happen.

It's going to be an interesting day!

Modified Bed Rest and a Good Link

2010-01-11T14:12:00.005-06:00

I'm on modified bed rest as of today's doctor's appointment. While my blood pressure is back down, my doc was concerned about the spike on Friday and my headaches over the weekend. My weight gain is not good either, though I usually always gain a lot of water weight towards the end.

She wants me resting as much as possible and collecting my urine for the next 24 hours - good times! She wants to see me again on Wednesday.

Here's a link to Molly Piper's blog - she posted a poem (by a very famous writer) about the death of a child. It is very moving.

Agony of Anticipation

2010-01-10T17:56:00.003-06:00

It's in the air. You can feel it, literally I think, if you were to step into our home. I'm crabby and tired and overwhelmed physically, mentally, and emotionally. Paul's struggling to try to survive in a house where everything is slacking and he has to remind me he's wearing his last pair of clean boxers. The boys just continue to bounce off the walls, with all the unstructured free time and videos. I have no energy to do anything it seems.

This morning I kept having flashbacks to this point in my pregnancy with Felicity. I was anticipating a baby to arrive at anytime, considering that both boys were "early." I was crabby then too. It's hard not to be when you're tired all the time, your clothes barely fit, and you just want to be able to breathe again. Needless to say, thinking back to those days wasn't easy and did not improve my already emotional mood.

I told myself (and continue to do so) that I can overcome these negative feelings. I seem to pray about it constantly and remind myself that hormones play a big part of it. And I tell myself that I've never been here before. I've never been this close to having my baby in my arms after having just 15 months ago buried my last baby. And I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure how to do this, other than very ungracefully.

Add to all these emotional issues, the physical aspects of the way I've been feeling the past week. I felt better on Thursday and Friday, but Saturday and today, I've had a horrid headache. They checked my blood pressure again on Friday at Caleb's MCA scan and it's gone up a bit more, so it'll be interesting to see where it's at when I go to my regular doc tomorrow. I've never had preeclampsia issues with my other babies, but we've entered many new territories during this pregnancy.

I had hoped to do some "fun" posts here, but honestly don't have it in me these past few days. Maybe things will perk up this week. I appreciate all your prayers!

Blessings,

Feeling Weird

2010-01-07T08:23:00.006-06:00

The last couple of days have been interesting here on the range. Temperatures are WAY below freezing with wind chills in the negative 30s at times and today it's snowing. I've been feeling weird since Tuesday.

Don't worry, I went to the doctor yesterday and nothing seems to be wrong. I feel hot one minute and chilled the next, a little nauseous, achy, with a mild headache that comes and goes. My doc checked my urine and there's trace amounts of protein. I'm not swollen any more than normal, and my blood pressure is only slightly elevated, but still in the normal range. They took a blood sample to check for pregnancy induced hypertension as well.

Caleb is active as usual, and oddly enough, I'm not really worried about him. I still memorize each movement he makes. I would love to feel normal though. I've kind of felt confined to a sitting position the last couple of days as more movement makes the weird feeling more apparent. I'd think that if it was the flu, I'd be down for the count by now. Friends have wondered if I'm going into labor (37 weeks as of tomorrow), but it's been almost 48 hours since I started feeling this way and it hasn't really gotten better or worse. I've never had this type of feeling before going into labor. I'm having contractions but nothing that seems to be increasing in intensity or frequency.

Tomorrow we have another appointment at Maternal Fetal Medicine so they can check things over there too. And then I go back to see my regular doctor on Monday. Hopefully I'll be fine before then. There's so much to do around here and though I'm not feeling great, I have the desire to be doing what needs to be done (nesting?). My doctor said to take it easy for few days though.

Maybe I won't have to wait 15 more days after all.....

Blessings,

21 Days

2010-01-01T09:29:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year! Isn't is unbelievable how quickly the year flew by?!

On Wednesday we scheduled the induction for.....January 22! AUGH! Three more weeks! I tried to get the perinatologist to schedule it earlier, but he really wants Caleb to stay in for 39 weeks. It is in Caleb's best interest, but I'm sooo anxious! At least I will avoid another amnio to check for lung maturity. They will continue to monitor him weekly up until the 22nd. In fact I have to see the peri weekly and my regular doctor weekly, so that's two appointments each week. Talk about exhausting!

I'll be talking to myself a lot in the next three weeks. "You can do this, Rachel." "Only ____ more days." And so forth.

If you're inclined to pray that Caleb arrives earlier than that of his own volition, if it wasn't winter I might encourage you to do so. But because of the weather and the hour drive to the hospital, I think I'd prefer just to wait out the 3 weeks. My labor with Felicity was less than two hours and the thought of being here alone with the boys, while Paul's at work (an hour away) and going into labor is frightening, to say the least. My mom could rush up here, but then I'd either have to drive myself to the hospital or wait for her to get here to be with the boys and have someone else drive me. There are some other alternatives, but it's not a situation that's easy to prepare for especially when you consider the fact that the weather might make driving nearly impossible.

So I can live with three more weeks. I think. I hope!

Waiting

2009-12-28T12:33:00.007-06:00

Yep, that's our baby boy! Taken at our appointment last Wednesday (34 wks., 5 days). He's doing great and when we go for our appointment in two days, we get to schedule my induction!!!!

I'm thrilled to soon know when he will be in my arms. We're hoping that will happen in less than two weeks.

We had a really good Christmas - busy as always, but so much fun (and very tiring for me!) Since Paul's been off all last week, we had plenty of preparation time and my parents joined us on Christmas eve and stayed for a few days. They only live about 40 minutes away, but it's nice to have them here for days versus hours. It started snowing heavily on Christmas eve and in about two days we had approximately 12-15 inches on the ground. The boys had fun sledding with Papa and Daddy and building a partial snowman which quickly became something to jump off of rather than a snowman. Here they are in their matching vests from my dad (Papa) on Christmas morning.

My brother Richard joined us for Christmas Day and Elijah had fun dominating "Rish-urd's" attention. Paul got me a few special gifts, even though the landscaping was supposed to cover all gifts for the year. His theme for my gifts was "ministering to my heart." I received a new PINK vacuum (something I've been wanting for a long time and the pink part made it all the more special!) and a gift certificate to a local "spa." It's enough for three-1 hour massages or whatever I want to use it for. I was floored and excited! I've never had a professional massage before and this place even does a prenatal massage! I'm hoping to have one done before Caleb arrives.

We were going to light an ice candle on Felicity's grave on Christmas eve, but due to the already fallen and falling snow, it was too hard for all of us to get into the cemetery and I knew the candle wouldn't stay lit for long. But being the great daddy that he is, Paul got through the snow and placed it on her grave and cleaned her headstone off. Hopefully we'll get a chance to light it soon. I'm stunned to think that this is our second Christmas without her. I look forward to kissing Caleb's chubby cheeks as they look so much like hers. While I haven't been so worried this past week, I'm feeling a lot more emotional than I have for quite awhile because of missing Felicity.

I'm exhausted already, from just typing this out and I want to try out my new vacuum a little more, so this is it. I'll be sure to let you all know when the induction is scheduled for.

Blessings,

Update

2009-12-20T17:47:00.005-06:00

My apologies for not posting sooner. I forget that many of you who read this, aren't on Facebook and are probably wondering what's going on with Caleb.

Friday we had our 34 week appointment. Caleb continues to look good, no anemia and no hydrops. They're saying Caleb is already close to 6 lbs. (They admit to 10-15% error either way.) So our perinatologist said that after two more good appointments, he'll let us schedule our induction. We (me especially) are hoping that means anytime after 36 weeks, but I know the hospital has rules about how early they'll induce.

I admit I've been worried a lot lately about a repeat cord accident. I feel confident that the perinatologists at Maternal Fetal Medicine are capable of catching the anemia issue, but I worry about the cord. They check blood flow through the cord every week, which is reassuring, but in between appointments I worry. I know hiccups are common towards the end, but they are also a cause for concern as the doctor who studies UCA (umbilical cord accidents) in Louisiana believes that "too many hiccups and/or hyperactivity of baby" is a cause for concern that baby might be in distress due to a cord issue. So whenever Caleb has hiccups, I worry. I am so thankful when I wake in the middle of the night to use the restroom and feel Caleb move. (This doctor also believes that the majority of stillbirths occur at night when mom's heartrate lowers while she is sleeping.)

Please pray for me (for peace) and for Caleb to not have a cord issue. I think when he comes out, the first question out of my mouth will be, "Do you see any cord issues?" I'm trying to maintain a positive attitude as we wait, but I'll admit it's getting harder every day. I just want my baby safe in my arms. Please pray extra hard for us in the days and weeks ahead. I didn't fully realize how difficult this part would be until I got here.

Here's a photo I've been meaning to post (as much as I didn't want to). Remember that I've been pregnant 19 of the last 23 months and as such, my body is pretty much a mess!

Blessings,

Priceless

2009-12-15T16:21:00.003-06:00

This is who snuggles with me every morning. I'm so blessed!

Promises

2009-12-14T08:46:00.007-06:00

Lately when I open my Bible, I find myself flipping all around, reading a little here and a little there. Honestly, my main goal is looking for comfort and promises that Caleb will be alright.

Worry is a constant part of my day. I've learned to "turn the volume down" so to speak most of the time, but until he's in my arms, I'm worrying about him. Thus many of my personal prayers are for peace and trust.

I told Paul yesterday that I want to pick out 3-5 verses for both of us to memorize (though also have in print) for labor. I want those to be my focal points as I can only imagine labor is going to be tough: physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want the Holy Spirit to be completely present with us.

Here are some of the verses that I'm clinging to. Please comment if you have others you like. We haven't decided on our verses yet, so I'm still looking for suggestions.

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty, he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

Isaiah 51:3 For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord: joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.

Isaiah 51:11 Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.

Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Psalm 5:11-12 But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love they name be joyful in thee. For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield.

Psalm 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

Psalm 18:6 In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even unto his ears.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities;

Have a blessed week,

Remembering

2009-12-11T18:01:00.007-06:00

I'm doing quite a bit this weekend to get ready for Caleb's arrival. We had his 33 week MCA scan yesterday and he's still doing well! It was a longer appointment than usual though, as his head was in a difficult position for the tech to get a good reading.

So now that we've passed week 33, I feel the need to really get things ready. We have been told that if Caleb gets sick after 34 weeks, they would induce labor (or do a c-section, depending on how sick they think he is) and then do a blood transfusion with him out. This is apparently safer than attempting an intrauterine transfusion in late pregnancy.

We're praying this won't happen, but we need to at least be somewhat prepared for that scenario. Considering our distance from the hospital, we all need to have bags packed and ready as of this next week. As well as the car seat installed and diaper bag packed.

I finally got the tub of baby stuff up out of the basement (Thanks, Paul!). I opened it this morning. It's hard to explain the feelings I had as I was both excited and nervous about looking at the contents of the container.

You see, this tub holds the clothes and such that were hastily packed away after Felicity died. In it are the only girl clothes I have that were all intended for Felicity if she turned out to be a girl (remember we didn't know what we were having). Despite not seeing them for over a year, I remembered these pink and purple articles of clothing in detail. I had painstakingly purchased them before her birth, knowing I'd want her in pink immediately if she was a girl. The only piece missing is the pink cotton gown she was buried in.

As I unpacked them today and laid them out on the bed, I was caught up in sadness for a little while. Regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, Felicity's never far from my thoughts, especially during the holidays. I'm always wishing she was here and picturing what she'd look like and what she'd be doing. I imagine how excited she'd get over the Christmas lights and how we'd all be delighting in her excitement.

Needless to say, I didn't get much else unpacked. Those outfits are still lying on the bed. Once I get everything unpacked, I'll probably put them in my cedar chest rather than packing them away again in a tub. I think I'd like to have easier access to them if I want to look at them.

We took our family Christmas picture on Sunday. Paul and I debated about how to include Felicity. Last year we took a picture of all of us with me holding a framed of her. This year we decided to do something else. Here's the photo:

It turned out okay, I think. I'm sure everyone can relate to how difficult it is to get a good family photo. Usually somebody's eyes are shut, somone has a goofy smile, or someone else is out of focus. Despite the frigid temps here these days, I am usually boiling hot, which means I let my perfectionist tendencies go this year and settled on having it done versus pursuing the perfect photo. FYI - some of you will be the lucky recipients of this exact photo is just a day or two!

It's hard to believe that Christmas is only two weeks away! So much to do! We are blessed that Paul is able to take two full weeks off at Christmas every year. We so enjoy this time together as a family and this year won't be any different. The time always goes so fast!

Blessings,

Kleenex Snob

2009-12-05T07:14:00.005-06:00

I have this thing about kleenexes, well more specifically a thing about kleenex boxes.

I don't have an unique decorating sense, but I do like things to be color-coordinated in rooms in my home. And I've become a little OCD about my kleenex boxes matching the color scheme for the room they're in.

I'm weird, I know.

For example, our living room is in tans, reds, and white so hence the kleenex boxes have to be tan or red, but I will waiver a little and use pink on occasion. We don't have large living room, but I sneeze often so there are three in that room alone. My kitchen is green so the kleenex box in there is green also. Do you get the picture?

Does this say something about my personality? If so, don't tell me what it is. I prefer to live in my matching kleenex box oblivion.

--------------------------------------------------------

CALEB UPDATE:

Yesterday was Caleb's 32 week MCA scan. He continues to look good, but they do want to start seeing us again on a weekly basis. I wasn't surprised at this, though Paul was. I figured this would happen eventually in the third trimester and I'm only surprised they didn't start doing it sooner.

Here's a glimpse of Caleb from yesterday. It's just a picture of a picture, I'm too lazy this a.m. to go downstairs and scan it. He's sure getting chubby!

Blessings,

Every Move You Make

2009-11-28T08:22:00.004-06:00

Dearest Caleb,

Every move you make brings me such happiness. Each kick and turn causes me to offer up a silent prayer of thanks to God, for you and the hope you are bringing into our family. I also pray for your continued safety in the coming weeks. I ask God to allow you to come home with us. I plead with God to keep us from feeling more pain and I ask that He would protect your brothers especially.

We are so excited for you to be here! I feel you moving around as I type this on the laptop, though I'm running out of lap with which to hold the computer. Whenever Daddy and your brothers are playing or wrestling, I envision your participation and wonder what life will be like with three active boys.

No matter what happens we are very blessed. And I will continue to memorize your movements and enjoy each day with you. I look forward to holding you in my arms soon!

Love,
Mama

Caleb Update and Life on the Range

2009-11-21T07:28:00.005-06:00

I'm a bad blogger.

I'm getting so caught up in all that needs to be done this time of year, that writing blog posts has been put on the back burner.

Last weekend my parents took the boys so that Paul and I could have a little alone time and time to get some projects done around the house. On Saturday we drove into WI to pick up the 1/2 beef, 1/2 pig, and chickens we ordered from a small farm that does 100% grass-fed beef and pastured hogs and chickens. That took up the majority of the day, but it was fun to talk with Paul and not be interrupted by little ones. Sometimes it feels like all we ever talk about when we're alone is the boys, but it certainly didn't feel that way last weekend. Plus, we now have two (yes, two) standing freezers full of meat for the coming year. If you've never purchased meat this way, we highly recommend it. Especially if you can get it grass-fed. It's a hit on the bank account, but then we don't have to buy much other meat so your monthly grocery budget decreases greatly.

I'd also like to say that my cooking skills have improved as I have tons of different cuts of meat that I wouldn't normally buy at the grocery store. This is our second year doing it, and last year, I had to learn how to cook certain cuts that I had never done before.

We also got the top bunk put together for Ethan. Both boys were sleeping together on the bottom, which is a double, but that stopped working this past fall and we had to have Ethan sleep in the spare room. Ethan is thrilled to be sleeping on the top and it has become his favorite place to read as well. And I'm thrilled to have them back in the same room and have our spare room back. I'm all for keeping them together as long as possible.

I did a bunch of cleaning in preparation for Caleb while the boys were gone too. Got out the changing table to some of the clothes. I ordered wipes. Next month I'll buy some disposables. I do cloth diapers at home mainly, but in the beginning, it's nice to have disposables on hand too. I buy wipes and disposables on Amazon.com, because it's much cheaper. Especially if you do the 'subscribe and save' option. Not to mention the free shipping and delivery to your door.

Once the boys' came home it was craziness again as usual, with school and AWANA and getting Ethan ready to spend a week with his dad for Thanksgiving. They left very early this morning to fly to Alabama where the majority of Ethan's paternal family lives. (His dad and new stepmom live in OH.) I miss him like crazy already. We've had some issues with him lately, but things have been improving greatly and I really felt the changes we had made are drawing us closer to him. It's hard not to have him with us and he wasn't too keen on going, knowing what he'd be missing out on at home. He's still adjusting to being with his dad once or twice a year and reconciling that wiht the rest of his life here. Definitely hits home to me that God hates divorce. I can see now how much better our lives are, but there's still many ramifications, the majority of them being for Ethan who is the innocent one in it all.

It will be weird parenting Elijah as a single child this week. But it will give us an opportunity to focus on him, especially before Caleb arrives. Plus Paul is on vacation the entire week - WOOHOO!

Yesterday was Caleb's 30 week MCA scan. He did well again. I read into everything the doctor says, of course, while Paul's able to remain completely objective. I got the feeling that Caleb's numbers were "okay" as opposed to "great" like in past scans. We don't have to go back for two weeks and by then, we'll be nearing the home stretch. We still have a birth plan to write and decisions to make about delivery. Our closest hospital does not have a NICU, so we're debating about delivering in the cities, so if something does happen after birth, he won't be separated from us. Please pray for wisdom in making these decisions.

Have a great weekend and a blessed Thanksgiving!

Dealing with Chickens

2009-11-12T15:24:00.002-06:00

I don't often write about "a city girl's perspective on living in the country" which was the original slant on my blog when I started it before Felicity died. Well, some of you have made comments about the chickens and so I thought I'd do an in depth look at owning chickens. And by in-depth I mean, sharing the little I know about chickens. If you're friends with me on Facebook, you know that our chicken ownership has not been trouble-free.

We got our chickens in early May of this year. They were full-grown, hand-me-downs from my brother-in-law who had too many to ~~feed~~ keep track of. We originally were given one rooster and three hens, if my pregnant memory serves me correctly. Our goal was that they would be "free-range," eating bugs and such during the day and then roosting in the coop my hubby and BIL constructed at night. We, I mean Paul, would lock them up every night to keep them from being eaten by coyotes, foxes, etc. Because we wanted to have the healthiest eggs possible, we bought them organic feed. (They need their free-range diet supplemented with feed to ensure their health, and thus their egg laying ability.)

To accomplish their returning to the coop each night, we had to start out by keeping them
in the coop for a few days so their little chicken brains would associate the coop with home sweet home.

This worked for awhile until one night Paul reported that our rooster, Peter Drumstick, was not in the coop when he locked them in. We made the safe assumption that he had been eaten though we couldn't find any evidence of this. Then the following night, guess who was back in the coop? This continued for awhile, with Peter home for a night, then gone for two, then home again. We didn't know what to make of it, until we noticed him at our neighbor's place. They also have chickens. Finally Peter chose to defect to the neighbors permanently. We figure their hens must be cuter or nag less.

After a few weeks of owning the chickens, we had quickly learn their quirks and by quirks, I mean all the annoying things they do. First of all, they poop EVERYWHERE! We could no longer leave the garage doors open for any period of time because sure enough, every time we did, they'd leave a messy surprise for us. And let me tell you, chicken poop is not little! It's like owning multiple cats that never make it to the litter box and who've eaten something that didn't agree with their digestive system. Is that too descriptive? They even poop on our front step!!!

Secondly, they dig EVERYWHERE!!! We have 10 acres, but they like to dig in our new landscaping the most! I can't tell you how many times I've waddled down the steps and out the front door because I've spotted them digging up the mulch all around the edges of the landscaping. When we first found them doing this, Paul moved their coop into the garden as our veggies had since ~~froze~~ been harvested. We thought the chicken wire fencing around the garden (originally meant to keep them out) would keep them in. But no! We soon learned that the rooster (our replacement rooster) can fly out and then crows at the hens until they fly over too. So Paul electrified the landscaped area with some 6 inch tall fencing and they still get in there and dig it up. Nothing like having your front entryway covered with ankle high electric fencing (and chicken poo). Sure makes for a humorous blog post though!

I'll even admit to chasing them with a hoe one time and throwing tomatoes at them after they'd pecked holes in ones I'd just picked. And no, it wasn't pretty. Originally we told the boys "not to chase the chickens." Now they have free reign to terrorize the chickens. In fact when the boys and I harvested all the pumpkins and acorn squash left in the garden after a night of freezing temps, one boy helped carry them to the garage, while the other chased the chickens so they couldn't peck the squash we had just picked.

Thirdly, we learned immediately that roosters crow ALL THE TIME! While Peter Drumstick only graced us with his presence for a short time, we have since received another rooster from my BIL. (We didn't bother to give him a nice name, he's known only as "Stupid," "Dumb Chicken" or "Gimpy" because he walks funny.) The hens can be pretty noisy too. They go under our deck and made bizarre noises like they're being strangled.

On the 4th of July, I actually saw a couple of coyotes take one of our hens. My BIL brought us more and then we lost another to the elements. We currently have 1 rooster and 4 hens.

Originally our hens were each laying an egg a day. This production rate was pleasing to us and Paul was even able to take some of our extra "organic/free-range eggs" to work and sell them for $3/dozen. This helped cover the cost of some of the organic feed. (A 50lb. bag costs about $17 which last maybe 6 weeks.) Now we're only getting 1-2 eggs per day. Paul even rigged up a heat lamp and extra lights for them, as light and heat determine their egg production. But we're not seeing much improvement. We don't know what's going to happen next but Paul's thinking, "Off with their heads!" I'm okay with that, as long as I don't have to help in any way. Sorry Babe!

We would love to have chickens again next year, but have no clue what our plan of action will be. As you've noticed, I've done very little to no work when it comes to the chickens and I don't think I'm going to have much free time next year to dedicate to raising chicks. So we'll see. It's nice to start off with ones that are already laying. We had three cows in '08 and while I didn't do any of the work there either, it was WAY less work (for Paul) and money than the chickens have been. You just don't get the daily benefit of eggs from beef cows.

I'll keep you all posted on the developing chicken saga. And Paul, thanks for all you do around here. I don't thank you often enough for how hard you work, at work and at home! I'm dedicating this post to you, Babe!

28 Week MCA Scan

2009-11-08T16:10:00.005-06:00

Thanks for your prayers! Caleb looked great again on Friday's MCA scan. They also did the Bio Physical Profile which he passed with flying colors and a growth scan (that wasn't scheduled). We found out he's gaining well, at just over two pounds. It'll be interesting to see how accurate they are with actual weight when he's born.

We are so thankful to be going another two weeks without having to go down for another appointment. I'm also finally off my progesterone injections as of a couple of weeks ago.

I finally mailed out the dishrags to those of you who won them. All except one and she'll understand why when she actually gets hers.

We've finally had some beautiful fall weather here and yesterday we went down to Taylors Falls for a little hike (and pizza and ice cream!). It's always fun to get out with the whole family.

And finally, I'll be the first to admit I'm the most boring blogger in the world and push 'publish post' now and put you out of your misery.

Blessings,

Going Backwards?

2009-11-05T08:48:00.007-06:00

It's starting to hit me that Caleb could be here in 6 weeks.

I don't think I've explained this before. Because of the risk of anemia, if Caleb stays healthy until 34 weeks and then develops anemia, they would take him out (method to be determined) and do a blood transfusion afterwards, rather than doing an intrauterine one which involves more risk.

I don't particularly want him to be born that early.

My biggest concerns about when he is born are his health and how long he would have to be in the hospital, though I will admit, the idea of waiting until the end of January is not appealing.

I feel like my thoughts have gone backwards in terms of birth. I am still an active supporter of homebirth (having had two) and an advocate of natural childbirth (no drugs/medical interventions), but have found myself in a position where neither is an option. Homebirth is COMPLETELY out of the question due to the risks involved with Hemolytic Disease of the Fetus or Newborn, though I haven't ruled it out for a future baby who does not carry the little c antigen. And as for natural childbirth, at this point I am planning an induction around 38 weeks.

After losing Felicity at 41 weeks, the thought of waiting for labor to happen naturally (should Caleb remain healthy, with no sign of anemia) is terrifying. I know I would constantly be worried him being stillborn. Even now at almost 28 weeks (tomorrow), I worry A LOT! I am so thankful whenever I feel him moving inside. Those movements or the movements of future babies will never be taken for granted. Those movements tell me my baby is alive!

So this birth will be an interesting journey. We won't even know up until the point of induction/c-section where Caleb will be born or what the days/weeks after his birth will hold.

I am NOT ready for Caleb to be born in six weeks. There is so much to be done around here to prepare for him: meals to make and freeze, changing table to be brought out and stocked, clothes to wash, bassinet to be purchased, car seat to install. I'm ready to do all these things and yet, I'm not. While I pray daily for a healthy baby and truly believe he will be born okay, the thought of having to pack all the stuff away should something go wrong is so unbearable.

Tomorrow is Caleb's 28 week MCA scan and Bio Physical Profile. Pray for us tomorrow and in the coming weeks. Pray for good communication between Paul and me. Pray for Caleb to stay healthy. Pray for peace for the boys as this is hard for them too. I want to tell them their brother will be fine, but I can't, not after what happened with Felicity. We are very appreciative of your faithfulness in prayer!

And the winners are.....

2009-10-31T08:37:00.003-05:00

1. Julie at The Antics of the Three 22nds

2. Heidi at Work and Play, Day by Day

3. Rachael at The Adventures of My Two Peanuts

4. Molly at Ecclesia Domestica

5. Bethany at Now and Not Yet

You're probably wondering if I can count. Yes, I realize there were only 13 comments, but when Ethan picked the first two winners and they were both people I know in real life, Paul declared the contest rigged! So Ethan picked another (since he did all the work of writing the #s out on paper and finding a hat) and then Elijah picked the 4th winner and Paul picked the 5th, to make it "official." Paul really wanted me to send everyone a dishrag for participating. Don't worry - I'm sure I'll have another contest involving dishrags in the future, since they're the only thing I have to give away!

Thanks for playing! I enjoyed reading your comments and laughed at many of them as well as meeting you lurkers and checking out your blogs. Those of you that won need to send me an email with your address at rschwendinger at hotmail dot com. Also, I can pick colors for you based on a kitchen theme/color, or if you request in the email, I'll send you a list of the colors I have. Most of them are multi-colored and yes, I did make them. It's one of the very few crafty things I can do. My grandmother taught me a couple of years ago and now I'm addicted.

The snow is flying again here in MN - unbelievable! Oh, and don't forget to set your clocks back tonight. If you're like me, with children who do not sleep in, you're dreading the consequence of daylight savings. I guess we won't have any excuse tomorrow if we're late for Sunday School.

Blessings,

It's My Party!

2009-10-28T08:04:00.009-05:00

Well, I guess the party's over since the cake is gone, but yep, it's my birthday! If you're near my age or older you understand the feeling that birthdays aren't that great anymore. It's pretty much another day. Hopefully one that won't include finding any white hairs on my head - ha!

I tried to get Elijah to agree to a whine-free day for my birthday, but we're still in negotiations. He did sleep until 7 am which was a nice way to start the day considering that I also slept until 7.

And then there was this beautiful pink sunrise right outside my window.

It's hard to believe that this is already my second birthday without my girl. Last year's birthday was spent in an emotional fog. After taking a picture of the sunrise, I found a note/clue on my cell phone from Paul, leading me on a short treasure hunt for some hidden chocolate.

The real reason I'm posting today is to tell you about a GIVEAWAY. I'd like to meet all of you who are reading this. I have a feeling there is many lurkers on this blog who have not commented. Since I added a sitemeter, I'm amazed at where some of you live. I even had a reader from Prince Edward Island - home to one of my favorite authors and favorite fictional heroines. (Lucy Maud Montgomery who also had a stillborn child, a son, and Anne Shirley)

So here's how this works. In order to be entered into this random giveaway, you need to comment. Tell me who you are, where you're from, and why you read this blog. This is obviously open to those of you I have already met as well, just leave a comment. If I have fewer than twenty comments, there will be three winners. If there's twenty or more, I will pick 5 winners. (Winners will be chosen based on the order of their comment by a random drawing from a hat - my boys will love helping with this part!)

And what do you win?

Four of these homemade dishrags - colors to be chosen by you!

Oh, and here's the kind of weather we've had lately in MN. If it's not raining, it's snowing. We've had three days of snow so far this month which is pretty unusual, even for MN. Yesterday was the nicest day we've had almost all month, with sun shining and temps in the low 50s.

Looking forward to meeting you all! Oh, and this contest runs until Friday, since I don't think I'll be blogging again before that.

Blessings,

Caleb's Photos

2009-10-24T10:09:00.005-05:00

Caleb had his 26 week MCA and growth scan yesterday. (They check his growth every 4 weeks.) He continues to do great! We are thrilled! He did measure smaller than 26 weeks, which ordinarily wouldn't be a concern for me considering how big my babies have been at birth (Ethan was 8.4, Elijah was 9.3, and Felicity was 9.15), but I am going to be praying that he gains weight. If he is born early, he will do better if he's not too small.

Here are some photos from yesterday's ultrasound.

Yes, that's his big toe practically in his nose!

We don't have to go back for two more weeks, but I have the feeling that as we get closer to the end, we will end up going every week again. That's just my impression of the perinatologist's m.o. Next time they will do a Bio Physical Profile and another test that I can't remember along with the MCA scan.

Thanks for all your prayers! I know I say that every time, but I am exceedingly thankful as there have been many times I know the only thing keeping me from despair was the prayers of so many saints. STAY TUNED FOR A GIVEAWAY NEXT WEEK in appreciation for your kindness!

Blessings,

UGH!

2009-10-22T07:04:00.006-05:00

Yesterday was one of those days.

You know, the kind that leaves you questioning your actions, your role in life, your purpose.

Lately we've been dealing with a lot of defiant behavior from one of our children. It hasn't been easy to deal with and in fact, I'm left physically and emotionally exhausted, not to mention guilt-ridden, wondering what I'm doing or not doing to cause these behaviors.

This behavior is not typical.

Paul and I have talked about it extensively and last night I asked a couple of my wise friends who have children older than mine what they think.

I used to be the type of person who couldn't handle any criticism and I admit it's still difficult to hear. But I'm really thankful I sought out their counsel.

Here's what I'm learning:

A good tree cannot bear bad fruit (Matthew 7) - this is a self-directed thought as there are many things I personally need to work on. I've known about these things, but always find myself making excuses. Pregnancy has been my biggest excuse lately especially considering I've been pregnant the last 17 of 21 months.

My children, because they are homeschooled, are around me 24/7 for the most part and are very aware of my behaviors and relationships. Anything amiss is open fodder for their little minds and hearts. I need to make sure my relationship with Paul is on the right track, meaning I need to be fulfilling my role as wife, first and foremost.

I need to be careful with my words and deeds. Am I walking the talk?

I need to be considerate of the differences between myself and my children, especially since they are boys, and teach and train them accordingly.

I need to be reading my Bible and spending more time praying for my children.

Parenting is hard, the hardest job in the world!

On a different note, tomorrow is Caleb's 26 week MCA and growth scan. Please pray for him to still be doing well and for peace of mind for me. The farther along we get, the more I find myself worrying about the uncertainty of the next few few months (or less). Not even knowing when or where he'll arrive is not easy on my type A personality.

Blessings,

Dreamin'

2009-10-19T07:39:00.006-05:00

I had a dream last night that Caleb had been born.

All 7lbs. 14oz and two weeks early. He was tiny compared to my other babies. But oh so sweet and perfectly healthy.

In the dream I changed him a few times and nursed him a couple times and it was LOVELY!

The dream also involved moving to a older house which had double pane windows (I wish!)and little minnows with legs that crawled all around my feet like mice (eww!)

But hey, I'll take what I can get!

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I'm still trying to work on that vacation post, but Blogger is not liking me uploading pictures these days, so we'll see if it ever gets posted!

Have a great week!

Blessings,

Been Busy

2009-10-13T16:50:00.007-05:00

I've been busy lately....

homeschooling,

cooking and baking,

wiping Elijah's nose,

getting mad at the chickens for repeatedly digging up our new landscaping,

lamenting the falling snow and lack of fall weather,

running errands and going to doctor's appointments,

praying for friends who are newly expecting babies after losing a baby,

praying for friends who are due to have babies soon, after having lost a baby,

praying for friends who are anticipating the anniversary of their babies' death,

watching movies late into the night with my hubby,

reading blogs but not commenting because I don't have time,

and going through clothes and packing away summer stuff.

Hopefully I'll come up with something witty or interesting to write about soon.

Blessings,

Caleb's 24 Week MCA Scan

2009-10-10T08:10:00.005-05:00

Just a quick post to let you know that Caleb's scan yesterday went great! He had no sign of fluid building up in his body (hydrops), which can be a concern with HDFN (Hemolytic Disease of the Fetus or Newborn and the blood flow in his Middle Cerebral Artery was normal, far below the point where anemia would suspected.

We will continue on a two week schedule seeing as how he is doing so well. He was also head down yesterday, which is a first for these scans. They give us tons of pictures every scan, but I've been bad about posting them. I'll try to get some up soon.

We're all stuffed up here in MN. Elijah's been struggling with a cold all week. Anyone have any good ideas for teaching a three year old how to effectively blow his nose? I'm seriously considering one of those bulb syringes they use on babies, if I thought we could hold him down to do it without hurting him.

And to top it all off, we just had our first snow last night (yep, snow in Oct. in MN!) and poor kid thinks he's going to be going outside today to play in it. But it's only 26 degrees right now and he was outside all afternoon yesterday with my dad.

I'm off to spend the day winterizing our beds and stuff, while Paul is hopefully able to winterize the lawn mower, four-wheeler, tractor and chickens. I'm also hoping to do a bunch of cooking to get a head start on the week. Should be a busy day.

Thanks to you all who took the time to watch the video of Felicity's first birthday. I am very glad with how it turned out and that it brought many of you joy versus sadness. While earthly life without her is sad, eternal life with her will be beyond anything I can imagine.

Blessings,

One Year Photo Montage

2009-10-07T13:20:00.002-05:00

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

One Year of Missing Felicity

2009-10-06T19:19:00.005-05:00

Thanks to those of you who remembered today was Felicity's one year Heavenly birthday. Your thoughts, cards, prayers, and flowers (Thanks Molly and family!) are a blessing to us. Like many of you have said, the anticipation of today was harder than the actual day.

I did have some very weepy days/moments last week and on Sunday when we celebrated Felicity's short life, but today was good. The boys and I went down to the cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul for those of you who don't know MN) and went out to lunch and to the Minnesota History Museum for a field trip. I knew it would be important for me to be out of the house today, especially since it's been overcast and rainy here for the past 5 days, which has impacted my mood.

On Sunday, we visited Felicity's grave after church. For those of you who don't know, we attend a small country church and Felicity is buried in the church cemetery right next to the church. My parents came up on Saturday and my aunt joined us on Sunday. They were the only ones who got to see and hold Felicity besides Paul, the boys, and me. After visiting Felicity's grave and taking some photos, we went out for lunch. I was hoping to go hiking after that, but the weather was too rainy, so we headed back to our house.

While waiting for the rain to clear, we sang "Happy Birthday" to Felicity and enjoyed some cupcakes made in her honor. Normally for birthdays around here I make cakes, so I thought cupcakes would be something different and special. There were many tears on my part during this time and it was incredibly sad to see Ethan break down too. He hasn't cried over Felicity since the day before her memorial service when we watched the photo montage our NILMDTS photographer made for us. It breaks my heart all over again to see him missing her so much. All I could do was hold him and tell him that it was okay to cry.

After waiting for the rain to clear up, we were finally able to release balloons in honor of Felicity and Jeremiah. I was stressed out because I didn't think the weather was going to clear up enough to do so, but God provided some beautiful blue sky for us at just the right time.

I haven't yet gone through all of Felicity's things, though I plan to soon. The thought of doing so doesn't bear so much pain as it did a week ago. I'm sure there will still be tears, but I'm not afraid of them.

I'm working on a montage of photos taken over the past year that have to do with Felicity. I hope to have it up in a day or two.

We miss her so much but I am continually reminded that "in His presence is fullness of joy." She is complete in every way as she worships her maker in Heaven. What a joy it will be to be there with her someday!