Happy 2nd Birthday Caleb!

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

A Day In the Life: Felicity's 3rd Birthday 10/6/11

HURRAY FOR ME FINALLY FINISHING AND POSTING THIS! (written to encourage myself to be a better blogger.)


6:31 a.m. - I find myself awake with Caleb (20 months) still snoozing next to me (he co-sleeps with us). I usually don't wake up this early unless he's awake already, but then I realize what time it is and I'm transported back to three years earlier. I would've just been about to enter the birthing tub with Felicity being born just 10 minutes later. I continue to lay in bed thinking about her and that traumatic day. It's difficult to reconcile the beauty of my only daughter with the shock and sadness that was her birth.



***On a side note, I just want to state that I continue to support moms and midwives in homebirth. For the majority of moms and babies it continues to be the safest place for babies to be born. I know that my daughter did not die because she was born at home.



6:40 a.m. - I get up, start some coffee, and reflect on the quiet that is my home. It truly is a rare occurence to wake up before any of the boys. I glance out my kitchen window to see the beginning of a beautiful sunrise. I process in my own thoughts that while I still miss and long for Felicity, it's rather impossible to feel grief anymore when I'm surrounded by such hope. (Remember that sadness and grief are different, with grief being much more intense.)


7:00 a.m. - Caleb walks into the kitchen and I immediately note (after thinking how cute he is) that he has obviously had a diaper issue. His whole belly area is wet. I grab him, change him, and go to assess the damage to our bed. The sheets and mattress pad are soaked. I strip the bed of everything and go downstairs to start washing the mattress pad. While this busyness in going on, I pray and thank God that I have a toddler to pee all over my sheets. He is such a joy to our family. I truly can't imagine fully processing the death of a baby without having another baby soon in your arms.



7:15 a.m. - We begin the breakfast process. As we are a non-cereal eating family (there are some exceptions!), breakfast is usually homemade granola for Ethan (9), peanut butter homemade toast for Elijah (5, with an additional side of fruit or yogurt some days), and whatever I think Caleb might eat well that morning (usually being something he hasn't eaten much of in the last 24 hours.) He is an interesting kid when it comes to food. One meal he will love what we eat and then if I offer it to him again the next day, he will totally refuse it.


7:30 a.m. - I shower while the boys eat. My mom is coming over to join us for a day of fun to celebrate Felicity. I'm not sure what time she'll be arriving, but I'd like to get an early start on the day.


8:45 a.m. - Everyone is dressed and pretty much ready to go. Boys are doing a few minimal chores and watching Caleb, while I go assess the laundry situation. I discover that somehow our mattress pad has shredded sometime during the washing/drying process. I'm quite confounded. I go upstairs to do a quick search on amazon for mattress covers. If we get to a Target or Walmart, I want to be prepared to compare prices and quality with what's on amazon. (Side note: I love amazon.com - I purchase many things through their subscribe and save program especially.)


9:15 a.m. - Gramma arrives to the delight of all the children. (Another sidenote: I love my mom and her devotion to my children. They are her only grandchildren and she thoroughly immerses herself in grandparenting them.)


9:30 a.m. - We head out the door. We're going to Stillwater. It's a great MN town, full of fun and quaintness. Our first stop is Aamodt's Apple Orchard.


10:30 a.m. - We arrive after a beautiful drive, despite Caleb's fussiness at times. As we pulled into the apple orchard, both my mom and I recognize it as a place we went cross-country skiing at when I was a preteen. While there we eat donuts and turnovers, walk around, and check out all the kiddy things to do: lame hay maze, swingset, and tractor bikes. It was packed, by the way. (Note the attempt to get a cute picture of all three boys together in the hay - totally an exercise in futility!)

11:45 a.m. Decide to head out for lunch. Never am I more thankful for our GPS than when there's a need to find food. Leeann Chin's was just a few miles away. Lunch was enjoyed by all.

12:45 p.m. Despite Caleb's impending naptime, we head for Teddy Bear Park. Fun was had by all for about an hour. Due to it being a school day, Ethan was the oldest child there and quickly organized a group of kids to play with. Elijah went off with a three and a half year old girl to play restaurant in the sand. And Caleb was just happy playing with a bucket and shovel in the sand.

2:00 p.m. - We head downtown to do a bit of walkingaround with the hopes that Caleb will fall asleep in his stroller. Ethan wants to find a toy store that we had gone to at least a couple of years ago. We can't find it unfortunately and after about 30 minutes, Caleb is still awake so we decide to head to our final stop, The River Market - a natural, whole foods co-op.

3:15 p.m. - Shopping is done, we're in the van and Caleb falls asleep almost immediately. We are home by 4:15 p.m., which means Caleb only gets an hour nap at best.

And by supper time, he is ready for bed....



Happy 3rd Heaven Day, sweet Felicity! We love and miss you always! (Caleb is at a stage where he is obsessed with babies and so he's noticed the pictures of Felicity around the house, so we've begun to talk to him about her and that she's in Heaven.)

Pictures of Summer

Father's Day in Taylor's Falls, MN. Trying out my new camera while the boys climbed on rocks and drove their rock crawlers.

What a beautiful day for appreciating Paul and all he does for our family.

Spending lots of time in the car traveling to MI to visit family.



Having my grandparents in MI meet Caleb for the first time
and celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary with them.

Spending a short afternoon with Paul's dad in MI (He's 89 and runs a greenhouse still.) We're looking forward to having him visit in August.

Celebrating Ethan's 9th birthday and attempting to get a nice picture of our boys together. And this was before all the sugar consumption.



A quote on the wall of the MN Children's Museum that sums up perfectly how I feel about my life.

Self-face painting with some help from Mom.

More fun at the Children's Museum.

It's hard to believe that summer is already winding down (for those of us who start school in August anyway.)

What We've Been Up To

Admiring the new bee "barn" Paul and my Dad built for our bees (which have not arrived yet....hopefully today!)

Swinging in a new swing from Gramma and Papa

Tending to the new chickens and hoping they start laying soon

Playing outside and catching minnows in the ditch

Getting dirty in the sandbox

Napping on the couch

Dressing up as a doctor

Taking swimming lessons

Hanging out at swimming lessons

Learning to trust his swim teacher

View From the Inside

Lately, say in the past month or so, I've noticed grief creeping up on me. Two and half years of missing Felicity is approaching. So that's part of the reason why. Another part is Caleb is growing so quickly and has moved from babyhood to toddlerhood. Also the baby boom happening around me again, which I mentioned a few posts back.

There's more to it though. Can't always put my finger on it. Winter is almost over and the sun is out just about every day, yet I'm feeling gloomy on occasion. This might be TMI for some readers, but maybe my cycles are on the verge of returning. Who knows?

I don't think my grief is very apparent to those around me. I just mentioned to Paul today that I feel a little depressed. And depressed for me is not as bad as it is for others, I know. Looking from the outside, I tend to retreat in a little, not smile as much, and am snappier at those around me. But other than that, I don't think the men in my life are very aware of how I'm feeling.

I got contacted by a gal on FB who had read Felicity's story and who also had a stillborn baby at home and she's also has little c antibodies. Our circumstances are very different, but since becoming her friend, I've been exposed to a whole internet world of anti-homebirth sites/blogs/etc.

I don't question my homebirth, I don't blame my very competent midwife, and I don't think Felicity would've been born alive if I had gone straight to the hospital once labor began. But reading all this stuff I've come across, hasn't made the thought of another baby being born at home an easy idea to think about. While I still advocate for homebirth freedom (not because it's good experience, but because in most low-risk situations I feel it's safest for baby!), I think I've become a person who's just all about having a baby who's born alive. Maybe I was too firm in my opinions before? Maybe I was too judgmental of others who made different choices in birth than me? I do know I often pray for humility - my choices don't make me better than other people.

Anyway, I'm feeling introspective these days. I'm trying to remember Felicity, but also trying to not think of what-ifs. Caleb is here for a reason and to wish Felicity here, seems in my mind, to wish Caleb away, even if it's not intentional.

Things That Make Me Smile

Copying from my friend's Julie's blog, I thought I'd share a list of things that have made me smile lately.

~Watching "Mary Poppins" with the boys this afternoon and watching Elijah's reactions since this was his first time.


~Caleb's toothy grin and wobbly walk and especially the happy noises he makes when I sit down in our "nursing spot."
~The transformation of our bedroom - this has been an ongoing process. It's one of only two rooms I didn't paint last fall because I wanted to get a new duvet cover first. Well the new duvet cover's been on for awhile, I think I have a paint color picked out (2 actually, as one wall will be an accent color), and we have NEW bedroom furniture arriving in a couple of weeks. This was a long process. What originally was going to be a head board and maybe a dresser is going to be a complete bed, dresser, mirror and nightstand! Can't wait for it to be delivered and set up. Then once the weather is warm enough to have windows open, painting can begin. When the project is done, I will share more before and after photos.

~Fresh haircuts for all the boys - which means I don't have to cut them for another 6 weeks or so.

~Caleb's repetitive "uh-oh" whenever he drops something

~Ethan's sign in the downstairs bathroom - he set up a pet store in our downstairs bar area. He's had Elijah assisting him. Last night I went into the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw the sign Ethan made. It reads, "All employees must wash their hands before returning to work. Thank you. Manager." It made me laugh out loud. Especially since reminding Elijah to wash his hands IS a good idea, except Elijah can't read.

~Caleb holding his hand up to his ear and saying "hi" every time he hears the phone ring. Also he says "ow" whenever he sees an animal - real, stuffed, or a photo.

~Elijah's burgeoning sense of humor.

~Paul's acceptance of my desire to redecorate our bedroom as long as there are no decorative pillows added to the bed (oh, the horror!). He switched the office's overhead light fixture with our bedroom one - a job that looked a lot easier (from my vantage point) than it actually was. My contribution to the task: getting the ladder out and setting it up in the office.

~Spring is in the air - it's still below freezing outside with lots of snow yet to melt, but our dirt road and driveway are mud pits which gives me hope....and annoys me all to no end.

~new washcloth colors!

~new blog discoveries: Reagan's Blob, Young House Love, Tales of Me and the Husband, City Wife, Country Life

~The thought of being able to hang cloth diapers on the clothes line again.

~The thought of Sara holding new baby Levi in just a few short days!

~Ethan winning 1st place for speed at the AWANA grand prix a couple weeks ago. He won every heat and got the track record as well.

~Finally owning Caleb free and clear!

~Working out and the result: my arms are starting to look like Jillian's - wish the rest of my body was showing more change. But I do feel different, have more energy, and am definitely noticing my muscles growing.

~Sunshine!

Delinquent

I am such a delinquent blogger. I blame it on Caleb and his ability to open all kitchen and bathroom cabinets. Not to mention yesterday he accidentally realized he can open the oven as well. So all my "blogging time" has been spent cleaning up his messes and trying to stop him from making more. If he wasn't so darn cute and cuddly, I'd probably be just a little bit nutty by now.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch and Caleb's standing at my feet, alternately blabbering at me happily and playing peek-a-boo with me around the laptop screen. Oh, and did I mention he's walking? He's not an expert yet, but it's so fun to watch him learn and watch the big boys get excited over it.

My baby's growing up! (insert sad face here) I know I promised myself I'd enjoy him like he was my last, but at this point, I'm already feeling the infant itch. It's the pregnant part I'm not looking forward too. And all the potential issues we could face with another baby, if he/she has the little c antigen.

There's another mini baby boom happening around me. I have to admit it's hard to see friends be pregnant and have babies easily. There's nothing easy about having a baby after losing one through stillbirth regardless of how many healthy babies you have. Because things went so smooth with Caleb and the antibody isoimmunisation issue, I wonder if it won't be much harder with the next baby. When I start to think that way, I have to remind myself who's in control. And that there's also a 50% chance of a completely "normal" pregnancy if the next baby does not have the antigen.

In the meantime, I'm trying to soak in every precious baby moment with Caleb. He is still a baby. He's still nursing and dependent on me for so much. I love being his mommy.

Happy 1st Birthday Caleb

We can't believe our baby is one! We are so thankful for his presence in our family and for the One who saw fit to bless us with Caleb.

CALEB

"Faithfulness"

For thou art my rock and my fortress
therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.

Psalm 31:3