"Wow, three boys!"

It seems like everywhere we go, people comment about the fact that we have three boys.

"Wow, three boys! You must be busy."

"Three boys? Are you going to try for a girl?"

"What, no girls?"

These types of statements have given me the best opportunities to tell people about my only daughter.

Just today, I talked about Felicity to three different people: the gal at Burger King who commented to us as we were leaving, the lady who cut my hair, and a woman at the bank. I even pulled out a photo album I carry around with me to show one of them her NILMDTS pictures.

I'm proud of my daughter. I want people to see her pictures. I want people to know about stillbirth and to have a face to put with it. I want her short life to have meaning.

I don't know what kind of impact I'm having when I share with these people, but talking about Felicity helps me. Each time it gets a little easier. And when I tell people I have a daughter in Heaven and they see a smile on my face, I hope that they wonder why I'm able to smile about it. Sometimes they even ask or comment about how hard it is and I'm able to share a little more.

Felicity may not be with us, but she continues to have a legacy.

Going Backwards?

It's starting to hit me that Caleb could be here in 6 weeks.

I don't think I've explained this before. Because of the risk of anemia, if Caleb stays healthy until 34 weeks and then develops anemia, they would take him out (method to be determined) and do a blood transfusion afterwards, rather than doing an intrauterine one which involves more risk.

I don't particularly want him to be born that early.

My biggest concerns about when he is born are his health and how long he would have to be in the hospital, though I will admit, the idea of waiting until the end of January is not appealing.

I feel like my thoughts have gone backwards in terms of birth. I am still an active supporter of homebirth (having had two) and an advocate of natural childbirth (no drugs/medical interventions), but have found myself in a position where neither is an option. Homebirth is COMPLETELY out of the question due to the risks involved with Hemolytic Disease of the Fetus or Newborn, though I haven't ruled it out for a future baby who does not carry the little c antigen. And as for natural childbirth, at this point I am planning an induction around 38 weeks.

After losing Felicity at 41 weeks, the thought of waiting for labor to happen naturally (should Caleb remain healthy, with no sign of anemia) is terrifying. I know I would constantly be worried him being stillborn. Even now at almost 28 weeks (tomorrow), I worry A LOT! I am so thankful whenever I feel him moving inside. Those movements or the movements of future babies will never be taken for granted. Those movements tell me my baby is alive!

So this birth will be an interesting journey. We won't even know up until the point of induction/c-section where Caleb will be born or what the days/weeks after his birth will hold.

I am NOT ready for Caleb to be born in six weeks. There is so much to be done around here to prepare for him: meals to make and freeze, changing table to be brought out and stocked, clothes to wash, bassinet to be purchased, car seat to install. I'm ready to do all these things and yet, I'm not. While I pray daily for a healthy baby and truly believe he will be born okay, the thought of having to pack all the stuff away should something go wrong is so unbearable.

Tomorrow is Caleb's 28 week MCA scan and Bio Physical Profile. Pray for us tomorrow and in the coming weeks. Pray for good communication between Paul and me. Pray for Caleb to stay healthy. Pray for peace for the boys as this is hard for them too. I want to tell them their brother will be fine, but I can't, not after what happened with Felicity. We are very appreciative of your faithfulness in prayer!

A Lot of Rambling

It's been a busy week since returning home from Copper Harbor, MI where we vacationed.

My emotions have been busy, as has life.

We've got so many things to get done around the house before winter sets in. Here in MN, that could happen anytime from October on. When I woke up this morning, Paul had turned the heat on before leaving for work since it was a balmy 27 degrees outside. I'm wondering what survived in the garden since I didn't know it was going to frost and nothing was covered.

Anyway, we decided last week to finally go ahead and start redoing our front entry landscaping. It's been a big frustration for me what with weeds and other plants that have taken over. It did not look inviting. So with coupon in hand, we've been hanging out at the local landscaping nursery, planning our "new look." I tease Paul that last Christmas he gave me "cabinet jewelry" and this year I'm getting "lawn jewelry." I wonder if this counts as an anniversary, birthday, or early Christmas gift. Hopefully on Saturday we'll be putting our new look in.

Speaking (or writing) of new looks, the other day in a fit of personal frustration with my own current look or lack thereof, I spent too much time trying to find a new blog template. It wasn't fun, but I like this new one and it was free, unlike a brand new wardrobe and hairdo.

Now as for emotions, I'm doing okay. I spent some extra time on Saturday crying in the shower. I just felt overwhelmed with missing Felicity and struggling to find sense in the past year. We've had many positive changes in our family since losing Felicity, but it's often hard to see the big picture impact. I realize I may never see a big picture impact, but I don't want the pain we've gone through in the last year to be meaningless either.

Since Saturday, I've been doing okay emotionally. Today though the tears are back and I'm just at a loss to describe how I feel. I don't feel hopeless or depressed or angry, just sad, I guess. I'm so thankful we have Caleb to look forward to and my heart aches for my grieving mommy friends who are facing anniversaries of their babies' deaths without the hope that a new baby brings. But there's still sadness. There probably always will be, I guess.

I'm struggling with the idea of going through Felicity's pictures, video, cards, and clothing. I had always planned on doing it on her birthday, but the thought of it now is overwhelming. And yet, it's something I really need to do. I think I need to go through it all and have a really good cry and then maybe I'll actually feel better. It's been awhile since I've relived that day in my thoughts. I remember when there were days, it was all I could think of, especially while trying to fall asleep at night.

I'm sure you'd love to read more of my ramblings, but there's so much to do today. I need to try to bring in all our pumpkins and acorn squash, if they survived. We have school to do which has been taking more and more time each day and I need to get out the boys' warmer clothes now that the weather has officially turned. Plus I have to go pay for our new landscaping plants and we have AWANA tonight, which makes the afternoon quite crazy.

As always, thank you for your prayers. May God bless you all!

Seven Months

I can't believe it's already been seven months since our lives changed forever. In a moment we stepped from a normal life into a life of shock, chaos, confusion, and pain.

I remember the moment my doctor walked into my hospital room and told us that they hadn't been able to resuscitate her. I remember holding my girl's almost ten pound body so careful because she seemed so fragile. I remember Paul praying over her and asking God to breathe life into her body.I remember trying to memorize in my shocked state what she felt like in my arms. I remember not being able to smell her sweet newborn smell because my nose was so stuffed up from crying.

I remember her long toes and her head of dark hair. I remember how soft her skin was. I remember the kindness of those around us in the hospital, how gentle they were with us and how lovingly they held and cared for Felicity. I remember looking at the painting that was hanging in the hospital room, thinking it looked like Felicity grown up in Heaven. I look at that painting every day, because it now hangs in my living room, inscribed by the artist 'in loving memory of our precious Felicity Faith.'

I remember thinking almost immediately, "I'll just have another baby. That will make everything okay."


I remember the pain of hearing about Ethan's excitement over his sister turning to tears of sadness when Paul had to tell him she was in Heaven. I remember how lovingly Elijah held her and touched her, like he too was memorizing her. I remember seeing my husband in pain and anguish, in a state I'd never seen him in before.

I remember the intense desire to keep my girl in my arms forever and the overwhelming longing to be home with my boys. I remember the confusion over planning a funeral when I should've been learning to nurse a newborn again. I remember having to send out the email telling everyone what had happened. I remember going through the few girl clothes we had and picking out what she would be buried in.

I remember so many painful memories and yet they are ALL the memories I have of my daughter. So I embrace the pain, remember her, thank God we had her for as long as we did, and hope for Heaven, when I will see her again and be able to look into her eyes for the first time. And there will be no more tears or sorrow or weeping!

I miss you sweet girl! Until Heaven, I will hold you close in my memories. You are always remembered, always missed, always loved.
ALWAYS!

Felicity's apple tree, soon to be in full bloom. I'm wondering what color the blossoms will be.



Felicity's brothers

Why Not Me

Surprisingly enough, with a title like, "Why Not Me," this post is not what you may think.

I remembered something from the MissingGRACE conference that I forgot to blog about and in fact, it's actually good enough for it's own post. The speaker I mentioned in my last post talked about how easy it is to think "Why Me?" when bad things happened in our lives. This is especially true when considering the death of your child. It's not like getting fired from a job or even getting divorced. Believe me, I know about the divorce thing! Losing a child is truly the most awful thing I can imagine happening in my life and I often contemplate "why me?"

Well, Judy challenged us to think of life differently. While we love and miss our babies, we in reality live lives that are the "why NOT me?" for many people. I am the "why not me?" for those who are hungry every day, because I rarely miss a meal. I am the "why not me?" for those who sleep outside in the winter, while I am warm and cozy in my home. I am the "why not me?" for the person who has never known what it's like to be loved by others, while I know the love of so many. I am also the "why not me?" for the mom who has lost baby after baby or has never been able to get pregnant, while I have two happy, healthy boys. Did I do something to deserve the good or the bad in my life? NO! But this is my life, good and bad, and this is the ONLY life I have to live.

So even while I miss Felicity and Jeremiah terribly, I can look at my life and as a whole know how blessed I am. I am going to challenge myself to have this "why not me" attitude in the coming weeks. Why am I not the one starving? Why am I not the one homeless? Why am I not the barren woman? I don't know. But I do know I can be thankful for what I have.

Not a Dichotomy

I've been getting a lot of questions about the MissingGRACE conference Paul and I went to on Saturday. I tried blogging about it yesterday, but just got overwhelmed. For those who don't know, MissingGRACE is a faith-based organization that supports families dealing with miscarriages, infertility, adoption, stillbirth, and neo-natal death. MissingGRACE is located solely in the Twin Cities and was started by a young couple who's daughter, Grace, was stillborn due to an umbilical cord accident.

Other than the reason why we were there, the conference was wonderful. It was all day 9am-8pm and they addressed many of the issues we are struggling through. One of the speakers we listened to three times during the day has lost 9 babies (either to miscarriage or stillbirth) in the last five years and has no living children. She was inspirational and grounded all her talks in scripture. She had so many things to say that spoke to my heart and my mind.


One of the things that especially resonated for me was what she said about the dichotomy of emotions. I nearly always feel like I'm struggling between differing emotions. Take for example a situation where a friend announces her pregnancy or birth of a baby. I'm happy but I'm sad too. Judy shared that while the world says we should be one or the either, we can in fact be both happy and sad and we need to tell people that. To use the word "but" negates the first part of the statement. This is something I need to work on.

Judy also spoke about choosing to be happy. It's okay to grieve our missing children and in fact, we should. It's also okay to be happy and that in order to do so, we must often times choose happiness. We can miss our lives if we let our grief consume us.

I did struggle a bit with all the medical information we received, even though we didn't even attend any of the seminars led by doctors. It was overwhelming to hear all the things I could do to monitor another pregnancy. And hearing the statistics about repeat UCAs (Umbilical Cord Accidents) was stressful as well. It's hard to know what to do and how much intervention is too much.

We met so many other couples who are missing their children. And it was nice to be in a place where I knew I could cry if I needed to. I was able to give comfort to a mom who had just lost her baby three weeks ago. Pray for her. Her name is Chris and her daughter Lillian was born still at 26 weeks.

Paul and I also learned some helpful communication tools. Marriage is hard enough, but add losing a child to the mix and you've got a huge challenge. I was able to meet Sherokee Ilse at the conference too. She is the author of the book, Empty Arms which I was given in the hospital after Felicity's death. I had been communicating with her via email and Facebook, so it was great to meet her in person. She invited us to a weekend at Faith's Lodge in May. We are looking forward to a time of R&R&R (rest, relaxation and remembrance).

To sum it up, I would definitely recommend this conference! Unfortunately it only happens every other year. MissingGRACE does offer support groups and other activities throughout the year though.

On another note, please pray for my friend Sara whose son Samuel was born into Heaven six months ago this week. I know from experience that six months or so was the hardest time for me so far in this grief journey. Pray that she would feel the presence of the Holy Spirit during this very difficult time!

Written in Stone

We're happy Felicity's headstone is finally here, but we'd rather have her!

Plan of Attack

Thanks for all your prayers! The fog of sadness has lifted for the most part. I felt like I was trapped for quite a few days despite a lot of prayer and support from others. As hard as it was, it seems to me, based on my reading, that it is "normal" for someone in my shoes. I do recognize the need to have a plan of attack for when this happens again. I'd like to think it won't, but I need to prepare for it because it probably will.

Here's The Plan:

• Ask for prayer IMMEDIATELY!


• Pray and read my Bible immediately and have Paul pray over me.


• Have a homeopathic treatment for depression in the medicine cabinet (I'm going to buy it now so I'll have it on hand).


• Turn on the christian radio station (Turning the radio on right away in the morning helped SOOO much when Felicity first died, even if I wasn't feeling low).


• Get outside if possible .


• EXERCISE! I didn't do this the last 4 days and I think that exercising has helped to keep this from happening in the past.


• Be aware of times when I might struggle: that time of the month, busy times (I start to feel overwhelmed), holidays (Mother's Day isn't far away and I'm anticipating it being very hard).


• Recite passages of scripture that are applicable. This means I need to pick them out now and start memorizing them so that I have them already prepared and in my head.


• Ask for help with caring for the kids right away.

And as for prevention, I'm finding I need to have alone time (not late at night though, which is what I have been doing). I need to find time to sit, reflect, journal, go through Felicity's things, etc. I've tried to do this when the kids are here, but I always get distracted and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So I need to schedule this time so that I have time to grieve, and just grieve.

I'd appreciate more suggestions. If you can think of something, please leave a comment.

Paul and I are going to attend a local conference this Saturday that is focused on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. We'll be attending the grief sessions which I think will be really beneficial for both of us and for our marriage. We're also going to have a date on Friday which is something we haven't done in a LOOONG time. I'm also looking forward to the temperature going up here in the next few days so we'll be able to go outside more - I'll post pictures of Felicity's stone soon too.

Six Months Ago

Dearest Felicity,

Six months ago today was the day I thought I'd finally meet you. I was past my due date and we had planned a natural induction for that day. We still didn't know if you were Felicity Faith or Caleb John. I was so excited to meet you and I was hoping you were a girl, but I'm ashamed to say that at that point I was more excited to be done being pregnant. If only I had known, I would have cherished those extra days with you all the more.

My midwife and her assistant arrived and our busy day began. We tried all the options available including sweeping my membranes, castor oil, and homeopathy. I did go into labor and was dilated to 4cm, but by the next morning labor had stopped. We decided to just wait at that point, at least for a few days.

Did you know, sweet girl, that you were just days away from meeting your Lord? I like to think that you stayed that extra week inside of me, to be near me as long as you could. I just wish I had known!

I think back to when I was 12 weeks pregnant and ended up in the emergency room after having a weird sensation, like I was losing you. After four long hours of waiting and tests, all was deemed fine. I wonder now if what I felt was you moving around so much that that's when the umbilical cord got knotted.

I wondered too about the exact time that you died. I like to think it was while I was sleeping during the hours before you were born. I hope that you drifted off to sleep only to wake up in Jesus' arms. I never felt you struggle, so I truly hope it was peaceful. I hate the thought of you in pain.

I'm learning so much from you not being here, Felicity girl. I hate that! I hate to think that your death was the only way for me to learn these things. But at least some good is coming from all this pain. I'd hate to have it be all for nothing.

I'm learning to be a better wife and a better mommy to your brothers. I'm learning patience and to treasure each day and each moment rather than things. I'm learning to give up control, because I'm really not in control anyway. I'm learning to live in the present instead of always looking to what's ahead.

Other people are changing too, because of you! I've had friends tell me that they're learning to change their negative thoughts and behaviors, because they now realize how fragile life is. Your short life continues to impact others!

And now you have a baby brother with you in Heaven. I prayed and asked God to tell us whether our baby was a boy or a girl. God answered that prayer and told us that his name is Jeremiah Daniel. We look forward to meeting him and holding you both again in Heaven. What a wonderful day that will be! Take care of each other until then. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and will always miss you. You are a precious gift to us!

Love you,
Mommy

From Anne's House of Dreams

"Time will help you," said Marilla, who was racked with sympathy, but could never learn to express it in other than age-old formulas.

"It doesn't seem fair," said Anne rebelliously. "Babies are born and live where they are not wanted - where they will be neglected - where they will have no chance. I would have loved my baby so - and cared for it so tenderly - and tried to give her every chance for good. And yet I wasn't allowed to keep her."

"It was God's will, Anne," said Marilla, helpless before the riddle of the universe - the why of undeserved pain. "And little Joy is better off."

"I can't believe that," cried Anne bitterly. Then, seeing that Marilla looked shocked, she added passionately, "Why should she be born at all - why should anyone be born at all - if she's better off dead? I don't believe it is better for a child to die at birth than to live its life out - and love and be loved - and enjoy and suffer - and do its work - and develop a character that would give it a personality in eternity. And how do you know it was God's will? Perhaps it was a thwarting of His purpose by the Power of Evil. We can't be expected to be resigned to that."

"Oh, Anne, don't talk so," said Marilla, genuinely alarmed lest Anne were drifting into deep and dangerous waters. "We can't understand - but we must have faith - we must believe that all is for the best. I know you find it hard to think so, just now. But try to be brave - for Gilbert's sake. He's so worried about you. You aren't getting strong as fast as you should."

"Oh, I know I've been very selfish," sighed Anne. "I love Gilbert more than ever - and I want to live for his sake. But it seems as if part of me was buried over there in that little harbour graveyard - and it hurts so much that I'm afraid of life."

"It won't hurt so much always, Anne."

"The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla."

(An excerpt from Anne's House of Dreams written by Lucy Maud Montgomery in 1917. This scene is after the death of Anne's firstborn, Joyce, who dies the day she is born. This storyline was inspired by the stillbirth of Lucy Maud's second born son, Hugh Alexander MacDonald on August 13, 1914)