View From the Inside

Lately, say in the past month or so, I've noticed grief creeping up on me. Two and half years of missing Felicity is approaching. So that's part of the reason why. Another part is Caleb is growing so quickly and has moved from babyhood to toddlerhood. Also the baby boom happening around me again, which I mentioned a few posts back.

There's more to it though. Can't always put my finger on it. Winter is almost over and the sun is out just about every day, yet I'm feeling gloomy on occasion. This might be TMI for some readers, but maybe my cycles are on the verge of returning. Who knows?

I don't think my grief is very apparent to those around me. I just mentioned to Paul today that I feel a little depressed. And depressed for me is not as bad as it is for others, I know. Looking from the outside, I tend to retreat in a little, not smile as much, and am snappier at those around me. But other than that, I don't think the men in my life are very aware of how I'm feeling.

I got contacted by a gal on FB who had read Felicity's story and who also had a stillborn baby at home and she's also has little c antibodies. Our circumstances are very different, but since becoming her friend, I've been exposed to a whole internet world of anti-homebirth sites/blogs/etc.

I don't question my homebirth, I don't blame my very competent midwife, and I don't think Felicity would've been born alive if I had gone straight to the hospital once labor began. But reading all this stuff I've come across, hasn't made the thought of another baby being born at home an easy idea to think about. While I still advocate for homebirth freedom (not because it's good experience, but because in most low-risk situations I feel it's safest for baby!), I think I've become a person who's just all about having a baby who's born alive. Maybe I was too firm in my opinions before? Maybe I was too judgmental of others who made different choices in birth than me? I do know I often pray for humility - my choices don't make me better than other people.

Anyway, I'm feeling introspective these days. I'm trying to remember Felicity, but also trying to not think of what-ifs. Caleb is here for a reason and to wish Felicity here, seems in my mind, to wish Caleb away, even if it's not intentional.

Approaching

I can hardly believe some days that Felicity's been gone almost 2 years. I recently wrote about how I feel I'm doing in my grief. Oddly enough, within days of writing that, I had some days of sadness where I spent a lot of time thinking about her.

Her pictures are displayed throughout our home, but I came across a few the other day that knocked the breath out of me when I saw them. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and even now as I'm thinking back to how that felt, I feel short of breath again.

She was so beautiful! Did I really have a baby die? In the car the other day, I flashed back to when I routinely traveled that same road to visit my midwife for appointments. It still feels so surreal to me sometimes.

Little things trigger my emotions: seeing an ambulance and wondering if it was the one that took her lifeless body to the hospital, seeing a cute little brown haired girl at the playground, sitting at the dining room table when it's dark out and seeing my reflection in the patio door. I remember doing that the night before she was born and being so tired of being pregnant. I took for granted that my baby would be born healthy and soon.

I told my friend Heidi the other day, that I kind of feel myself shutting down as Felicity's birthday approaches. I still don't know how to do this - celebrate a birthday for my daughter who's not here. And yet, I want to and I have to. The boys need to remember their sister and now that Caleb's here, I don't want it to seem like he's replaced her. The planning of these things always seems to fall on my shoulders though, and right now, I feel too weary to even think about it.

Grief After A Rainbow Baby Arrives

It's pretty unusual for me to be up this late - 11pm - blogging. We just got done watching a movie and I should be hittin' the hay, but thought I try to pound out a quick post.

I remember 18 months ago, I was ALWAYS up late, reading baby loss blogs and blogging myself. Those late hours were my sanity in my very insane world. Felicity's death consumed me during that time. Though my children were fed, clothed, schooled, and the house was decent, I wasn't really all there. My grieving mama friend Sara just wrote about this too. I spent pretty much each waking hour dreaming of a baby who wasn't in my arms and thinking about getting pregnant again.

Well, here I am. My "Rainbow baby" will be 5 months on Tuesday. He is so sweet! We love him deeply. So how am I doing with my grief these days? I guess if you could watch my life in real time for a week, I'd look pretty normal to you. No crying spells or depression though I struggle with the things every mom struggles with: training my children, getting the laundry washed, folded, and put away, and getting dinner made. All normal things.

I miss Felicity like crazy, of course and I think about her every day. But these days I'm not consumed by it any more. It's a relief really, to be able to embrace the present, rather than dreaming of the past or wishing the future would come more quickly. I love taking care of Caleb in all his sweet 5 month old chubbiness. (I'll post some pictures this week, hopefully!) And I'm busy keeping up with my big boys and trying to be intentional with them in everything we do.

I don't spend my time searching for baby loss blogs anymore, though when I do come across them, I ALWAYS have to read about their baby loss. I feel a kinship with anyone who's walked this road. I can meet someone, in real life or online and instantly feel connected to them when I know we're both on a grief journey. There's so much comfort in knowing you're not alone. And it is a journey, one that won't be complete until Heaven.

So I'm living life, enjoying life, though always longing for Heaven. For now, I'm content and at peace. God is good, all the time and for that, I'm so very thankful.

Overwhelmed

I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a LONG time.

Life has been incredibly busy here for the last few weeks and I'm hoping that in a week or so, I'll feel like I can breathe again. In the last two weeks alone, we've had standardized testing to do, a field trip, a garage sale, illness, a baby dedication, and our AWANA carnival. Amongst all the busyness, I've been dealing with a breastfeeding problem. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I cherish nursing my babies. Yet I've had this issue with all three of them and each time it's painful and heartrending because I want to be able to enjoy each nursing session. Instead they are painful and I begin to doubt whether nursing will ever be a pain-free experience again.

Because I was feeling low last night, it got me to thinking more about Felicity. I mean, I think of her daily, especially now that Caleb is in my arms. Seeing him grow has only caused me to miss Felicity more. So last night's tears were for her too.

I'm finding that in this second year of grief, many of my blurry memories from Felicity's death and afterwards are becoming more clear. Often times as I remember them, I feel like I'm living them all over again, but with more feeling since it's no longer clouded by shock. The pain feels so fresh and raw often times. Caleb pulls me back to the present with his smiles though. And then, even though it still hurts, I can smile and thank God for ALL His blessings. But, oh, how I long for Heaven most days....

Remembering

I'm doing quite a bit this weekend to get ready for Caleb's arrival. We had his 33 week MCA scan yesterday and he's still doing well! It was a longer appointment than usual though, as his head was in a difficult position for the tech to get a good reading.

So now that we've passed week 33, I feel the need to really get things ready. We have been told that if Caleb gets sick after 34 weeks, they would induce labor (or do a c-section, depending on how sick they think he is) and then do a blood transfusion with him out. This is apparently safer than attempting an intrauterine transfusion in late pregnancy.

We're praying this won't happen, but we need to at least be somewhat prepared for that scenario. Considering our distance from the hospital, we all need to have bags packed and ready as of this next week. As well as the car seat installed and diaper bag packed.

I finally got the tub of baby stuff up out of the basement (Thanks, Paul!). I opened it this morning. It's hard to explain the feelings I had as I was both excited and nervous about looking at the contents of the container.

You see, this tub holds the clothes and such that were hastily packed away after Felicity died. In it are the only girl clothes I have that were all intended for Felicity if she turned out to be a girl (remember we didn't know what we were having). Despite not seeing them for over a year, I remembered these pink and purple articles of clothing in detail. I had painstakingly purchased them before her birth, knowing I'd want her in pink immediately if she was a girl. The only piece missing is the pink cotton gown she was buried in.

As I unpacked them today and laid them out on the bed, I was caught up in sadness for a little while. Regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, Felicity's never far from my thoughts, especially during the holidays. I'm always wishing she was here and picturing what she'd look like and what she'd be doing. I imagine how excited she'd get over the Christmas lights and how we'd all be delighting in her excitement.

Needless to say, I didn't get much else unpacked. Those outfits are still lying on the bed. Once I get everything unpacked, I'll probably put them in my cedar chest rather than packing them away again in a tub. I think I'd like to have easier access to them if I want to look at them.

We took our family Christmas picture on Sunday. Paul and I debated about how to include Felicity. Last year we took a picture of all of us with me holding a framed of her. This year we decided to do something else. Here's the photo:

It turned out okay, I think. I'm sure everyone can relate to how difficult it is to get a good family photo. Usually somebody's eyes are shut, somone has a goofy smile, or someone else is out of focus. Despite the frigid temps here these days, I am usually boiling hot, which means I let my perfectionist tendencies go this year and settled on having it done versus pursuing the perfect photo. FYI - some of you will be the lucky recipients of this exact photo is just a day or two!

It's hard to believe that Christmas is only two weeks away! So much to do! We are blessed that Paul is able to take two full weeks off at Christmas every year. We so enjoy this time together as a family and this year won't be any different. The time always goes so fast!

Blessings,

A Lot of Rambling

It's been a busy week since returning home from Copper Harbor, MI where we vacationed.

My emotions have been busy, as has life.

We've got so many things to get done around the house before winter sets in. Here in MN, that could happen anytime from October on. When I woke up this morning, Paul had turned the heat on before leaving for work since it was a balmy 27 degrees outside. I'm wondering what survived in the garden since I didn't know it was going to frost and nothing was covered.

Anyway, we decided last week to finally go ahead and start redoing our front entry landscaping. It's been a big frustration for me what with weeds and other plants that have taken over. It did not look inviting. So with coupon in hand, we've been hanging out at the local landscaping nursery, planning our "new look." I tease Paul that last Christmas he gave me "cabinet jewelry" and this year I'm getting "lawn jewelry." I wonder if this counts as an anniversary, birthday, or early Christmas gift. Hopefully on Saturday we'll be putting our new look in.

Speaking (or writing) of new looks, the other day in a fit of personal frustration with my own current look or lack thereof, I spent too much time trying to find a new blog template. It wasn't fun, but I like this new one and it was free, unlike a brand new wardrobe and hairdo.

Now as for emotions, I'm doing okay. I spent some extra time on Saturday crying in the shower. I just felt overwhelmed with missing Felicity and struggling to find sense in the past year. We've had many positive changes in our family since losing Felicity, but it's often hard to see the big picture impact. I realize I may never see a big picture impact, but I don't want the pain we've gone through in the last year to be meaningless either.

Since Saturday, I've been doing okay emotionally. Today though the tears are back and I'm just at a loss to describe how I feel. I don't feel hopeless or depressed or angry, just sad, I guess. I'm so thankful we have Caleb to look forward to and my heart aches for my grieving mommy friends who are facing anniversaries of their babies' deaths without the hope that a new baby brings. But there's still sadness. There probably always will be, I guess.

I'm struggling with the idea of going through Felicity's pictures, video, cards, and clothing. I had always planned on doing it on her birthday, but the thought of it now is overwhelming. And yet, it's something I really need to do. I think I need to go through it all and have a really good cry and then maybe I'll actually feel better. It's been awhile since I've relived that day in my thoughts. I remember when there were days, it was all I could think of, especially while trying to fall asleep at night.

I'm sure you'd love to read more of my ramblings, but there's so much to do today. I need to try to bring in all our pumpkins and acorn squash, if they survived. We have school to do which has been taking more and more time each day and I need to get out the boys' warmer clothes now that the weather has officially turned. Plus I have to go pay for our new landscaping plants and we have AWANA tonight, which makes the afternoon quite crazy.

As always, thank you for your prayers. May God bless you all!

Busy and Blessed

We've been busy the past week. The boys just returned yesterday from a long weekend at my parents. We're glad to have them back. Life is so different when they're not here. We did enjoy sleeping in though while they were gone. It's funny how sleeping in until 7:30 is such a luxury after you have kids.

While they were gone, we (okay, mostly Paul) stained the deck. This top picture was taken after Paul spent 3+ hours power washing it and it actually looks pretty good.

Here it is finished minus the rails and prior to lots of rain we received over the weekend. It looks way better than it did to begin with, though we both agree it's a job we don't want to do again for a LONG time.

We're blessed to be picking lots of veggies from the garden! If you've never eaten a carrot straight from the garden (after washing the dirt off of course), you have no idea what a carrot tastes like. They are unbelievable!

Finally one of my flowers bloomed. I opted this year to plant seed instead of spending money and buying flowers to plant. Thus it's taken a long time to see the first blossom. I specifically picked out a pink variety in honor of Felicity. And lastly, I'm blessed that the bread I left raising for OVER TWO HOURS while Ethan and I started school today, seems to have still turned out. Ethan volunteered to be the official tester in a few minutes.

ON A SIDE NOTE - tomorrow is the 10 month anniversary of Felicity's death. I can't believe so much time has passed. I've been wavering between handling it fine and wanting to fall to pieces. Busyness has kept me from doing the latter, so far. AND FINALLY, Friday is my amniocentesis at 1:30 CST. I am doing okay with it though I'm not thrilled about the whole needle in my stomach part. I know God is working in our lives, regardless of the results of the amnio, but would sure appreciate your prayers especially in regard to protecting the baby from infection or miscarriage afterwards.

LATER TODAY (after having a very emotional evening) I STARTED TO FEEL THE BABY MOVING! PRAISE GOD!

Blessings,

"How are you doing?"

This is a question I keep hearing a lot lately as we've shared the news of baby #5 with family and friends. It is still such a loaded question, but I'm learning to deal with it. Do people mean pregnancy-wise, in relation to grief, or how we feel about this antigen/antibody issue?

So, how am I doing, you ask?

I'm doing okay.

Pregnancy-wise, this time around hasn't been as hard as Elijah or Felicity's pregnancies. The progesterone shots that Paul gives me twice a week helps a lot with the nausea and overall first trimester ickiness. It's a catch 22 though. Any pregnancy symptom, however uncomfortable, is a relief. When I'm feeling good I start to worry that something has happened to this baby. I have an appointment on Friday afternoon with Dr. B. I'm praying she will be able to easily find a heartbeat. That will be such a relief. Thankfully Paul will be with me if she can't.

I'm still so concerned I'm going to lose this baby! It's on my mind constantly so I'm trying to quote verses about not being afraid and not worrying. Before I lost Jeremiah, I hoped that he would be born, but in my heart of hearts I was prepared for a miscarriage. I was constantly checking to see if I was spotting or bleeding. I'm farther along with this baby, going on 12 weeks, but I think it's going to be a fear I deal with most of this pregnancy. I see so much suffering now in the world. It's always been there but it wasn't real to me until I was a part of it.

As for the antigen/antibody issue, I feel like I'm preparing myself for the news that this baby has the antigen. I know God can do anything, but I think it's easier for me to assume the worst than to hope for the best and be disappointed. Does that make sense?

I keep reminding myself how special this baby is regardless of the length of his/her life. I'm hoping to be able to give this baby a name that captures how thankful we are for him/her no matter what happens. Life begins at conception, not when baby is born!

So did I answer your question?

Dear Felicity,

I can't believe it's been 9 months since you went to be with Jesus! I woke up this morning at exactly the same time you were born, sweet girl! I climbed into bed with Elijah to cuddle with him for a few minutes and so wished you were with us. Both your brothers would've LOVED snuggling with you! Ethan tries to get Elijah to snuggle with him, but Elijah usually won't have anything to do with it.


We so miss you! Some days are easier than others. Some days I can imagine how happy your life is in Heaven and other days, I just want to hold you again so badly that I feel like my heart is breaking with the pain. It's so hard trying to imagine what you would look like and be like right now. Would you be crawling and into everything? Or would you be a late crawler like your brothers, still content being in one place? I wonder so many things about you!


And oh, I miss all the things I didn't get to do with you! I miss smiling down at you while you nurse. I miss dressing you in cute little girl clothes, with little bows in your hair. I miss giving you baths. You and Elijah would've had so much fun in the tub together! I miss carrying you in the sling, having you close enough to kiss and love on whenever I wanted to. I miss seeing you greet your daddy when he comes home from work, with a smile on your face meant only for him! I miss singing you "your song." I miss seeing your brothers playing with you and making you laugh! I miss having you reach for me to pick you up.


Oh, precious one! Knowing how happy you are helps mama deal with her sadness, but I know the ache will never completely go away - until Heaven! I can't wait, Felicity! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you!


Love you forever,
Mama

Mental Health Day

We had a LONG day yesterday in the cities, car shopping and visiting with my parents for my dad's birthday and when we got home I went to bed early. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. We ate breakfast and I did a few things, but then while I was in the shower, I just felt this overwhelming sadness and I started to cry. And then I couldn't stop.

So back to bed I went. I didn't really get out of bed until an hour or so ago.

This doesn't happen to me often. Paul doesn't quite understand it when it happens and it's very hard for me to communicate what I'm feeling when I'm in the thick of it.

I miss my babies. Paul took down the baby gate at the top of the stairs today. That wouldn't have happened if Felicity were here. If Jeremiah were here, I'd be feeling lots of movement and eager anticipation for his due date in Oct.

I feel broken. Instead of my body being a haven for growing babies, it's a place where babies die. It's really hard to like my body when it has betrayed me in the cruelest way.

I think these feelings are normal. They're not fun, but I think they ARE normal. It's what I do with these feelings that's most important. And right now I'm struggling with that part too.

Fully Aware

I am fully aware that next Saturday will mark eight months since Felicity entered Heaven. I am also fully aware that we already have many activities happening that day and the week leading up to it. Please lift me up in prayer this coming week as I am already feeling myself slipping into a fog. I realized today that this week marks more time missing Felicity than time spent anticipating her arrival. We've known her longer as a memory than a reality. Oh, that hurts! Some moments it hurts so badly, I don't think I can stand it.

I thank God daily for my boys as their presence has truly sustained me physically these many months. While God has sustained me spiritually and emotionally and Paul has been my all-around supporter, without Ethan and Elijah to love and care for, I really think the past 8 months would've been quite different. I don't even like to think how different. But I ache to think of other grieving moms I've met who don't have any other children to help them through this deepest of valleys. So boys, someday when you look back on this time, please know that you helped me so much!

And thanks to you all, who have faithfully prayed for me and my family. I don't know what I would've done without you all. Thank you for sharing your own stories of loss and helping me see the path ahead of me.

A Plethora of Things

Okay, pizza's in the oven and I've got approximately 25 minutes to pound out a post. I'd really rather be reading my favorite blogs or on Facebook, but I feel like I need to catch up on here. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling through my brain lately, it's been hard to think about a topic for a post, so I've just avoiding writing one. I used to thrive on multi-tasking, in fact I could rarely do just one thing at a time. Now I feel like if I'm going to get anything done, I need to focus on one thing at a time. It's been a weird transition.

Lately I've felt like I've been doing a pretty good learning to live with grief. It's hasn't caught me unawares lately, but I also haven't been able to bid it adieu. So, I've just accepted its presence and it seems like we're starting to be tolerable roommates. It's like a quote I heard, "You can go to Griefville, just don't pack an overnight bag."

We've had our share of allergies (Ethan) and sleep issues (Elijah) around here lately. Can anyone suggest any good remedies for dark circles under one's eyes? Plus we're trying to wrap-up our homeschool year. We have about 12 days left. I always plan on doing some stuff during the summer, but not much. The garden's mostly planted. Now it's time to start weeding - ugh! We've been having bizarre weather lately. Yesterday is was 96 degrees, but it's only 66 today. Give me 66 degree weather year round and I'd be very happy. With the weather at least.

The chickens are busy pooping everywhere, but are also laying nicely. I hear our rooster, Peter Drumstick, crowing quite regularly. Like many things, I'm learning to ignore it. A couple weeks ago we had a visitor, a groundhog in our "garage under the deck." But that's a post for another day. I know I promised a post about septic tanks, but the chicken poo has squashed my enthusiasm for the subject. It'll happen eventually.

And there's the timer for the pizza. I hope my homemade whole wheat crust is edible.

Faith's Lodge

"FAITH - Sorrow looks back. . . Worry looks around. . . Faith looks up."

For those of you who didn't know, Paul and I went to Faith's Lodge last weekend. We left the boys with Gramma and Papa and traveled up to Danbury, WI on Thursday evening. We are only about 75 minutes from Faith's Lodge, though I know that people from all over the country travel there.

Faith's Lodge was dreamed up and built by Mark and Susan Lasek after their first daughter was born into Heaven because of an umbilical cord accident. While I don't know whether the Laseks are followers of Christ, they named their daughter Faith because they knew they'd need a lot of faith to get through life after her death. It's amazing how this couple has used their love for their daughter to touch so many people.

Faith's Lodge is a beautiful retreat for parents and families who have a sick child or a child who has died. It is situated on 80 wooded acres. The planning and building took a few years and the Lodge will have it's second anniversary in June. It is a beautiful "home" with eight suites, a movie room, kitchen, dining room, library, craft room, and family room. It is an amazing place! Here's a picture of the back of this little cabin in the woods. Paul and I sat in the middle set of chairs, right outside our suite late Friday morning and had devotions. A barred owl listened in from about 100 ft away.

About 30 minutes after we arrived, we felt totally at home. Carla, the "house mom" for the week, played a big part in this. As a mom who has lost three of her children, she truly knew our heart ache. There were five other couples there, all who have lost a baby. It was heartbreaking to hear each story. But I think we learned a lot from each other, despite differences in beliefs. We were also blessed to have Sherokee Ilse, the author of Empty Arms and international speaker on infant loss and her business partner, Tim Nelson, the owner of A Place to Remember with us on Friday and Saturday. They have co-written a book called Couple Communication After A Baby Dies - Differing Perspectives which we all received.

Paul and I spent much of Friday making a variety of crafts to remember our babies. (Paul, thanks for being such a real trooper, since crafting isn't your favorite activity.) These are the stones we made for Felicity and Jeremiah. We left them at the Bridge of Hope with the stones of all the other children who's parents have visited Faith's Lodge. It is such a heartbreakingly beautiful place.

We made a garden stone to remember Felicity.

Paul burned this piece of wood and I made an ankle bracelet with Felicity's name on it.

On Saturday, we had a long session with the other couples, Sherokee, and Tim. It was really emotional as we each told the in-depth story of our child's life and death. The time at Faith's Lodge is usually very unstructured to accommodate each family's needs. Our weekend was a special weekend paid for by First Candle, which is why Sherokee and Tim were there. (The Lodge usually asks that families donate $25/night, but does not turn anyone away if they can't afford to do so.) We were not required to participate in anything we didn't want to and that truly is the beauty of Faith's Lodge. Paul and I were able to build some relationships as well as retreat together to spend time alone.

I love how the lodge gives us so many opportunities to remember our children. We made so many things with Felicity and Jeremiah's names on them. There is also a journal in each suite where you can write your child's story. We never made it up to the full-size tepee they have out on one of the trails, but we were told we could take a marker with us and write on the walls of the tepee if we wanted.

On Sunday, Mother's Day, we left late morning. That morning it was "nice" though to be around other grieving moms and know that I wouldn't be the only one with tears in my eyes. The hardest thing though was knowing that we were the only one going home to living children. All the other couples had lost their first child. I can't imagine that pain.

This is a beautiful quilt we got to pick out and take home with us made by The Thimbleberries. What a beautiful remembrance of our babies and our time at Faith's Lodge. I've already ordered a quilt hanger for it, so we can hang in on the wall.

I can't say enough good things about Faith's Lodge. If you are a grieving parent I encourage you to check it out. They have schedules of who they take and when so that while you're there, you're in the company of other couples in similar circumstances. The only advice I'd give is to stay there as long as you can. We could have checked in on Tuesday and stayed through Sunday, but couldn't due to Paul's work schedule. We hope to go back to Faith's Lodge again in the future and know that we will be praying for this unique organization.

A Letter From Heaven

If you're a mommy missing her precious baby in Heaven, please read this!

Seven Months

I can't believe it's already been seven months since our lives changed forever. In a moment we stepped from a normal life into a life of shock, chaos, confusion, and pain.

I remember the moment my doctor walked into my hospital room and told us that they hadn't been able to resuscitate her. I remember holding my girl's almost ten pound body so careful because she seemed so fragile. I remember Paul praying over her and asking God to breathe life into her body.I remember trying to memorize in my shocked state what she felt like in my arms. I remember not being able to smell her sweet newborn smell because my nose was so stuffed up from crying.

I remember her long toes and her head of dark hair. I remember how soft her skin was. I remember the kindness of those around us in the hospital, how gentle they were with us and how lovingly they held and cared for Felicity. I remember looking at the painting that was hanging in the hospital room, thinking it looked like Felicity grown up in Heaven. I look at that painting every day, because it now hangs in my living room, inscribed by the artist 'in loving memory of our precious Felicity Faith.'

I remember thinking almost immediately, "I'll just have another baby. That will make everything okay."


I remember the pain of hearing about Ethan's excitement over his sister turning to tears of sadness when Paul had to tell him she was in Heaven. I remember how lovingly Elijah held her and touched her, like he too was memorizing her. I remember seeing my husband in pain and anguish, in a state I'd never seen him in before.

I remember the intense desire to keep my girl in my arms forever and the overwhelming longing to be home with my boys. I remember the confusion over planning a funeral when I should've been learning to nurse a newborn again. I remember having to send out the email telling everyone what had happened. I remember going through the few girl clothes we had and picking out what she would be buried in.

I remember so many painful memories and yet they are ALL the memories I have of my daughter. So I embrace the pain, remember her, thank God we had her for as long as we did, and hope for Heaven, when I will see her again and be able to look into her eyes for the first time. And there will be no more tears or sorrow or weeping!

I miss you sweet girl! Until Heaven, I will hold you close in my memories. You are always remembered, always missed, always loved.
ALWAYS!

Felicity's apple tree, soon to be in full bloom. I'm wondering what color the blossoms will be.



Felicity's brothers

Why Not Me

Surprisingly enough, with a title like, "Why Not Me," this post is not what you may think.

I remembered something from the MissingGRACE conference that I forgot to blog about and in fact, it's actually good enough for it's own post. The speaker I mentioned in my last post talked about how easy it is to think "Why Me?" when bad things happened in our lives. This is especially true when considering the death of your child. It's not like getting fired from a job or even getting divorced. Believe me, I know about the divorce thing! Losing a child is truly the most awful thing I can imagine happening in my life and I often contemplate "why me?"

Well, Judy challenged us to think of life differently. While we love and miss our babies, we in reality live lives that are the "why NOT me?" for many people. I am the "why not me?" for those who are hungry every day, because I rarely miss a meal. I am the "why not me?" for those who sleep outside in the winter, while I am warm and cozy in my home. I am the "why not me?" for the person who has never known what it's like to be loved by others, while I know the love of so many. I am also the "why not me?" for the mom who has lost baby after baby or has never been able to get pregnant, while I have two happy, healthy boys. Did I do something to deserve the good or the bad in my life? NO! But this is my life, good and bad, and this is the ONLY life I have to live.

So even while I miss Felicity and Jeremiah terribly, I can look at my life and as a whole know how blessed I am. I am going to challenge myself to have this "why not me" attitude in the coming weeks. Why am I not the one starving? Why am I not the one homeless? Why am I not the barren woman? I don't know. But I do know I can be thankful for what I have.

Not a Dichotomy

I've been getting a lot of questions about the MissingGRACE conference Paul and I went to on Saturday. I tried blogging about it yesterday, but just got overwhelmed. For those who don't know, MissingGRACE is a faith-based organization that supports families dealing with miscarriages, infertility, adoption, stillbirth, and neo-natal death. MissingGRACE is located solely in the Twin Cities and was started by a young couple who's daughter, Grace, was stillborn due to an umbilical cord accident.

Other than the reason why we were there, the conference was wonderful. It was all day 9am-8pm and they addressed many of the issues we are struggling through. One of the speakers we listened to three times during the day has lost 9 babies (either to miscarriage or stillbirth) in the last five years and has no living children. She was inspirational and grounded all her talks in scripture. She had so many things to say that spoke to my heart and my mind.


One of the things that especially resonated for me was what she said about the dichotomy of emotions. I nearly always feel like I'm struggling between differing emotions. Take for example a situation where a friend announces her pregnancy or birth of a baby. I'm happy but I'm sad too. Judy shared that while the world says we should be one or the either, we can in fact be both happy and sad and we need to tell people that. To use the word "but" negates the first part of the statement. This is something I need to work on.

Judy also spoke about choosing to be happy. It's okay to grieve our missing children and in fact, we should. It's also okay to be happy and that in order to do so, we must often times choose happiness. We can miss our lives if we let our grief consume us.

I did struggle a bit with all the medical information we received, even though we didn't even attend any of the seminars led by doctors. It was overwhelming to hear all the things I could do to monitor another pregnancy. And hearing the statistics about repeat UCAs (Umbilical Cord Accidents) was stressful as well. It's hard to know what to do and how much intervention is too much.

We met so many other couples who are missing their children. And it was nice to be in a place where I knew I could cry if I needed to. I was able to give comfort to a mom who had just lost her baby three weeks ago. Pray for her. Her name is Chris and her daughter Lillian was born still at 26 weeks.

Paul and I also learned some helpful communication tools. Marriage is hard enough, but add losing a child to the mix and you've got a huge challenge. I was able to meet Sherokee Ilse at the conference too. She is the author of the book, Empty Arms which I was given in the hospital after Felicity's death. I had been communicating with her via email and Facebook, so it was great to meet her in person. She invited us to a weekend at Faith's Lodge in May. We are looking forward to a time of R&R&R (rest, relaxation and remembrance).

To sum it up, I would definitely recommend this conference! Unfortunately it only happens every other year. MissingGRACE does offer support groups and other activities throughout the year though.

On another note, please pray for my friend Sara whose son Samuel was born into Heaven six months ago this week. I know from experience that six months or so was the hardest time for me so far in this grief journey. Pray that she would feel the presence of the Holy Spirit during this very difficult time!

Plan of Attack

Thanks for all your prayers! The fog of sadness has lifted for the most part. I felt like I was trapped for quite a few days despite a lot of prayer and support from others. As hard as it was, it seems to me, based on my reading, that it is "normal" for someone in my shoes. I do recognize the need to have a plan of attack for when this happens again. I'd like to think it won't, but I need to prepare for it because it probably will.

Here's The Plan:

• Ask for prayer IMMEDIATELY!


• Pray and read my Bible immediately and have Paul pray over me.


• Have a homeopathic treatment for depression in the medicine cabinet (I'm going to buy it now so I'll have it on hand).


• Turn on the christian radio station (Turning the radio on right away in the morning helped SOOO much when Felicity first died, even if I wasn't feeling low).


• Get outside if possible .


• EXERCISE! I didn't do this the last 4 days and I think that exercising has helped to keep this from happening in the past.


• Be aware of times when I might struggle: that time of the month, busy times (I start to feel overwhelmed), holidays (Mother's Day isn't far away and I'm anticipating it being very hard).


• Recite passages of scripture that are applicable. This means I need to pick them out now and start memorizing them so that I have them already prepared and in my head.


• Ask for help with caring for the kids right away.

And as for prevention, I'm finding I need to have alone time (not late at night though, which is what I have been doing). I need to find time to sit, reflect, journal, go through Felicity's things, etc. I've tried to do this when the kids are here, but I always get distracted and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So I need to schedule this time so that I have time to grieve, and just grieve.

I'd appreciate more suggestions. If you can think of something, please leave a comment.

Paul and I are going to attend a local conference this Saturday that is focused on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. We'll be attending the grief sessions which I think will be really beneficial for both of us and for our marriage. We're also going to have a date on Friday which is something we haven't done in a LOOONG time. I'm also looking forward to the temperature going up here in the next few days so we'll be able to go outside more - I'll post pictures of Felicity's stone soon too.

Laying it on the Line and at The Throne

This grief stuff is way beyond my comprehension and my abilities. I can't even begin to find words to describe how rough the last three days have been. I'm afraid to even share the depth of what we've dealt with the last three days. One bright spot is that Felicity's headstone is in! I was there last Saturday, but it wasn't there. Then Paul went out to the cemetary before church this morning and it was there. It's beautiful, just like our daughter. How we miss her so!

I'm continuing to deal with a lot of anger, which winds up being lashed out on Paul. I've prayed and prayed, giving it to God, but always wind up feeling angry again in just a short period of time. Am I really giving it up? Am I giving it up only to take it back again? I don't know. I just know I'm weak and tired and confused and I feel so alone.

How can I feel alone? I'm not alone - many of you reading this are right there with me in your grief and Paul is right here with me, but yet, I feel alone.

We spent a lot of time praying this weekend and we really felt like God was working on us and helping us, only to be attacked again later by the same issues. Paul has prayed over all of us and my parents joined us tonight for prayer.

Despite the prayer, I just feel this huge gaping hole in my life.

I feel so broken.

Paul read this quote tonight during devotions:

"Comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth- only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I think I've been seeking comfort instead of Truth.

Please pray that I will seek Truth.

I Want. . .

. . .my babies back.

. . .my body back.

. . .my carefree life back.

. . .to have broken relationships restored.

. . .to change the world.

. . .peace, not just in moments, but in every moment.

. . .to be pregnant.

. . .to believe that I'll birth a live baby, who screams at birth.

. . .to give my boys hope in a sibling.

. . .to feel joy without a tinge of sadness.

. . .to have a joyful faith.

. . .to never question God.

. . .to not be angry.

. . .Jesus to return and take me Home.

I'll take whatever I can get.