Mental Health Day

We had a LONG day yesterday in the cities, car shopping and visiting with my parents for my dad's birthday and when we got home I went to bed early. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. We ate breakfast and I did a few things, but then while I was in the shower, I just felt this overwhelming sadness and I started to cry. And then I couldn't stop.

So back to bed I went. I didn't really get out of bed until an hour or so ago.

This doesn't happen to me often. Paul doesn't quite understand it when it happens and it's very hard for me to communicate what I'm feeling when I'm in the thick of it.

I miss my babies. Paul took down the baby gate at the top of the stairs today. That wouldn't have happened if Felicity were here. If Jeremiah were here, I'd be feeling lots of movement and eager anticipation for his due date in Oct.

I feel broken. Instead of my body being a haven for growing babies, it's a place where babies die. It's really hard to like my body when it has betrayed me in the cruelest way.

I think these feelings are normal. They're not fun, but I think they ARE normal. It's what I do with these feelings that's most important. And right now I'm struggling with that part too.

Fully Aware

I am fully aware that next Saturday will mark eight months since Felicity entered Heaven. I am also fully aware that we already have many activities happening that day and the week leading up to it. Please lift me up in prayer this coming week as I am already feeling myself slipping into a fog. I realized today that this week marks more time missing Felicity than time spent anticipating her arrival. We've known her longer as a memory than a reality. Oh, that hurts! Some moments it hurts so badly, I don't think I can stand it.

I thank God daily for my boys as their presence has truly sustained me physically these many months. While God has sustained me spiritually and emotionally and Paul has been my all-around supporter, without Ethan and Elijah to love and care for, I really think the past 8 months would've been quite different. I don't even like to think how different. But I ache to think of other grieving moms I've met who don't have any other children to help them through this deepest of valleys. So boys, someday when you look back on this time, please know that you helped me so much!

And thanks to you all, who have faithfully prayed for me and my family. I don't know what I would've done without you all. Thank you for sharing your own stories of loss and helping me see the path ahead of me.

Why Not Me

Surprisingly enough, with a title like, "Why Not Me," this post is not what you may think.

I remembered something from the MissingGRACE conference that I forgot to blog about and in fact, it's actually good enough for it's own post. The speaker I mentioned in my last post talked about how easy it is to think "Why Me?" when bad things happened in our lives. This is especially true when considering the death of your child. It's not like getting fired from a job or even getting divorced. Believe me, I know about the divorce thing! Losing a child is truly the most awful thing I can imagine happening in my life and I often contemplate "why me?"

Well, Judy challenged us to think of life differently. While we love and miss our babies, we in reality live lives that are the "why NOT me?" for many people. I am the "why not me?" for those who are hungry every day, because I rarely miss a meal. I am the "why not me?" for those who sleep outside in the winter, while I am warm and cozy in my home. I am the "why not me?" for the person who has never known what it's like to be loved by others, while I know the love of so many. I am also the "why not me?" for the mom who has lost baby after baby or has never been able to get pregnant, while I have two happy, healthy boys. Did I do something to deserve the good or the bad in my life? NO! But this is my life, good and bad, and this is the ONLY life I have to live.

So even while I miss Felicity and Jeremiah terribly, I can look at my life and as a whole know how blessed I am. I am going to challenge myself to have this "why not me" attitude in the coming weeks. Why am I not the one starving? Why am I not the one homeless? Why am I not the barren woman? I don't know. But I do know I can be thankful for what I have.

Plan of Attack

Thanks for all your prayers! The fog of sadness has lifted for the most part. I felt like I was trapped for quite a few days despite a lot of prayer and support from others. As hard as it was, it seems to me, based on my reading, that it is "normal" for someone in my shoes. I do recognize the need to have a plan of attack for when this happens again. I'd like to think it won't, but I need to prepare for it because it probably will.

Here's The Plan:

• Ask for prayer IMMEDIATELY!


• Pray and read my Bible immediately and have Paul pray over me.


• Have a homeopathic treatment for depression in the medicine cabinet (I'm going to buy it now so I'll have it on hand).


• Turn on the christian radio station (Turning the radio on right away in the morning helped SOOO much when Felicity first died, even if I wasn't feeling low).


• Get outside if possible .


• EXERCISE! I didn't do this the last 4 days and I think that exercising has helped to keep this from happening in the past.


• Be aware of times when I might struggle: that time of the month, busy times (I start to feel overwhelmed), holidays (Mother's Day isn't far away and I'm anticipating it being very hard).


• Recite passages of scripture that are applicable. This means I need to pick them out now and start memorizing them so that I have them already prepared and in my head.


• Ask for help with caring for the kids right away.

And as for prevention, I'm finding I need to have alone time (not late at night though, which is what I have been doing). I need to find time to sit, reflect, journal, go through Felicity's things, etc. I've tried to do this when the kids are here, but I always get distracted and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So I need to schedule this time so that I have time to grieve, and just grieve.

I'd appreciate more suggestions. If you can think of something, please leave a comment.

Paul and I are going to attend a local conference this Saturday that is focused on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. We'll be attending the grief sessions which I think will be really beneficial for both of us and for our marriage. We're also going to have a date on Friday which is something we haven't done in a LOOONG time. I'm also looking forward to the temperature going up here in the next few days so we'll be able to go outside more - I'll post pictures of Felicity's stone soon too.