Approaching

I can hardly believe some days that Felicity's been gone almost 2 years. I recently wrote about how I feel I'm doing in my grief. Oddly enough, within days of writing that, I had some days of sadness where I spent a lot of time thinking about her.

Her pictures are displayed throughout our home, but I came across a few the other day that knocked the breath out of me when I saw them. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and even now as I'm thinking back to how that felt, I feel short of breath again.

She was so beautiful! Did I really have a baby die? In the car the other day, I flashed back to when I routinely traveled that same road to visit my midwife for appointments. It still feels so surreal to me sometimes.

Little things trigger my emotions: seeing an ambulance and wondering if it was the one that took her lifeless body to the hospital, seeing a cute little brown haired girl at the playground, sitting at the dining room table when it's dark out and seeing my reflection in the patio door. I remember doing that the night before she was born and being so tired of being pregnant. I took for granted that my baby would be born healthy and soon.

I told my friend Heidi the other day, that I kind of feel myself shutting down as Felicity's birthday approaches. I still don't know how to do this - celebrate a birthday for my daughter who's not here. And yet, I want to and I have to. The boys need to remember their sister and now that Caleb's here, I don't want it to seem like he's replaced her. The planning of these things always seems to fall on my shoulders though, and right now, I feel too weary to even think about it.

A Lot of Rambling

It's been a busy week since returning home from Copper Harbor, MI where we vacationed.

My emotions have been busy, as has life.

We've got so many things to get done around the house before winter sets in. Here in MN, that could happen anytime from October on. When I woke up this morning, Paul had turned the heat on before leaving for work since it was a balmy 27 degrees outside. I'm wondering what survived in the garden since I didn't know it was going to frost and nothing was covered.

Anyway, we decided last week to finally go ahead and start redoing our front entry landscaping. It's been a big frustration for me what with weeds and other plants that have taken over. It did not look inviting. So with coupon in hand, we've been hanging out at the local landscaping nursery, planning our "new look." I tease Paul that last Christmas he gave me "cabinet jewelry" and this year I'm getting "lawn jewelry." I wonder if this counts as an anniversary, birthday, or early Christmas gift. Hopefully on Saturday we'll be putting our new look in.

Speaking (or writing) of new looks, the other day in a fit of personal frustration with my own current look or lack thereof, I spent too much time trying to find a new blog template. It wasn't fun, but I like this new one and it was free, unlike a brand new wardrobe and hairdo.

Now as for emotions, I'm doing okay. I spent some extra time on Saturday crying in the shower. I just felt overwhelmed with missing Felicity and struggling to find sense in the past year. We've had many positive changes in our family since losing Felicity, but it's often hard to see the big picture impact. I realize I may never see a big picture impact, but I don't want the pain we've gone through in the last year to be meaningless either.

Since Saturday, I've been doing okay emotionally. Today though the tears are back and I'm just at a loss to describe how I feel. I don't feel hopeless or depressed or angry, just sad, I guess. I'm so thankful we have Caleb to look forward to and my heart aches for my grieving mommy friends who are facing anniversaries of their babies' deaths without the hope that a new baby brings. But there's still sadness. There probably always will be, I guess.

I'm struggling with the idea of going through Felicity's pictures, video, cards, and clothing. I had always planned on doing it on her birthday, but the thought of it now is overwhelming. And yet, it's something I really need to do. I think I need to go through it all and have a really good cry and then maybe I'll actually feel better. It's been awhile since I've relived that day in my thoughts. I remember when there were days, it was all I could think of, especially while trying to fall asleep at night.

I'm sure you'd love to read more of my ramblings, but there's so much to do today. I need to try to bring in all our pumpkins and acorn squash, if they survived. We have school to do which has been taking more and more time each day and I need to get out the boys' warmer clothes now that the weather has officially turned. Plus I have to go pay for our new landscaping plants and we have AWANA tonight, which makes the afternoon quite crazy.

As always, thank you for your prayers. May God bless you all!

Busy and Blessed

We've been busy the past week. The boys just returned yesterday from a long weekend at my parents. We're glad to have them back. Life is so different when they're not here. We did enjoy sleeping in though while they were gone. It's funny how sleeping in until 7:30 is such a luxury after you have kids.

While they were gone, we (okay, mostly Paul) stained the deck. This top picture was taken after Paul spent 3+ hours power washing it and it actually looks pretty good.

Here it is finished minus the rails and prior to lots of rain we received over the weekend. It looks way better than it did to begin with, though we both agree it's a job we don't want to do again for a LONG time.

We're blessed to be picking lots of veggies from the garden! If you've never eaten a carrot straight from the garden (after washing the dirt off of course), you have no idea what a carrot tastes like. They are unbelievable!

Finally one of my flowers bloomed. I opted this year to plant seed instead of spending money and buying flowers to plant. Thus it's taken a long time to see the first blossom. I specifically picked out a pink variety in honor of Felicity. And lastly, I'm blessed that the bread I left raising for OVER TWO HOURS while Ethan and I started school today, seems to have still turned out. Ethan volunteered to be the official tester in a few minutes.

ON A SIDE NOTE - tomorrow is the 10 month anniversary of Felicity's death. I can't believe so much time has passed. I've been wavering between handling it fine and wanting to fall to pieces. Busyness has kept me from doing the latter, so far. AND FINALLY, Friday is my amniocentesis at 1:30 CST. I am doing okay with it though I'm not thrilled about the whole needle in my stomach part. I know God is working in our lives, regardless of the results of the amnio, but would sure appreciate your prayers especially in regard to protecting the baby from infection or miscarriage afterwards.

LATER TODAY (after having a very emotional evening) I STARTED TO FEEL THE BABY MOVING! PRAISE GOD!

Blessings,

Mental Health Day

We had a LONG day yesterday in the cities, car shopping and visiting with my parents for my dad's birthday and when we got home I went to bed early. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. We ate breakfast and I did a few things, but then while I was in the shower, I just felt this overwhelming sadness and I started to cry. And then I couldn't stop.

So back to bed I went. I didn't really get out of bed until an hour or so ago.

This doesn't happen to me often. Paul doesn't quite understand it when it happens and it's very hard for me to communicate what I'm feeling when I'm in the thick of it.

I miss my babies. Paul took down the baby gate at the top of the stairs today. That wouldn't have happened if Felicity were here. If Jeremiah were here, I'd be feeling lots of movement and eager anticipation for his due date in Oct.

I feel broken. Instead of my body being a haven for growing babies, it's a place where babies die. It's really hard to like my body when it has betrayed me in the cruelest way.

I think these feelings are normal. They're not fun, but I think they ARE normal. It's what I do with these feelings that's most important. And right now I'm struggling with that part too.

Fully Aware

I am fully aware that next Saturday will mark eight months since Felicity entered Heaven. I am also fully aware that we already have many activities happening that day and the week leading up to it. Please lift me up in prayer this coming week as I am already feeling myself slipping into a fog. I realized today that this week marks more time missing Felicity than time spent anticipating her arrival. We've known her longer as a memory than a reality. Oh, that hurts! Some moments it hurts so badly, I don't think I can stand it.

I thank God daily for my boys as their presence has truly sustained me physically these many months. While God has sustained me spiritually and emotionally and Paul has been my all-around supporter, without Ethan and Elijah to love and care for, I really think the past 8 months would've been quite different. I don't even like to think how different. But I ache to think of other grieving moms I've met who don't have any other children to help them through this deepest of valleys. So boys, someday when you look back on this time, please know that you helped me so much!

And thanks to you all, who have faithfully prayed for me and my family. I don't know what I would've done without you all. Thank you for sharing your own stories of loss and helping me see the path ahead of me.

A Plethora of Things

Okay, pizza's in the oven and I've got approximately 25 minutes to pound out a post. I'd really rather be reading my favorite blogs or on Facebook, but I feel like I need to catch up on here. There are so many thoughts and feelings swirling through my brain lately, it's been hard to think about a topic for a post, so I've just avoiding writing one. I used to thrive on multi-tasking, in fact I could rarely do just one thing at a time. Now I feel like if I'm going to get anything done, I need to focus on one thing at a time. It's been a weird transition.

Lately I've felt like I've been doing a pretty good learning to live with grief. It's hasn't caught me unawares lately, but I also haven't been able to bid it adieu. So, I've just accepted its presence and it seems like we're starting to be tolerable roommates. It's like a quote I heard, "You can go to Griefville, just don't pack an overnight bag."

We've had our share of allergies (Ethan) and sleep issues (Elijah) around here lately. Can anyone suggest any good remedies for dark circles under one's eyes? Plus we're trying to wrap-up our homeschool year. We have about 12 days left. I always plan on doing some stuff during the summer, but not much. The garden's mostly planted. Now it's time to start weeding - ugh! We've been having bizarre weather lately. Yesterday is was 96 degrees, but it's only 66 today. Give me 66 degree weather year round and I'd be very happy. With the weather at least.

The chickens are busy pooping everywhere, but are also laying nicely. I hear our rooster, Peter Drumstick, crowing quite regularly. Like many things, I'm learning to ignore it. A couple weeks ago we had a visitor, a groundhog in our "garage under the deck." But that's a post for another day. I know I promised a post about septic tanks, but the chicken poo has squashed my enthusiasm for the subject. It'll happen eventually.

And there's the timer for the pizza. I hope my homemade whole wheat crust is edible.

A Letter From Heaven

If you're a mommy missing her precious baby in Heaven, please read this!

Seven Months

I can't believe it's already been seven months since our lives changed forever. In a moment we stepped from a normal life into a life of shock, chaos, confusion, and pain.

I remember the moment my doctor walked into my hospital room and told us that they hadn't been able to resuscitate her. I remember holding my girl's almost ten pound body so careful because she seemed so fragile. I remember Paul praying over her and asking God to breathe life into her body.I remember trying to memorize in my shocked state what she felt like in my arms. I remember not being able to smell her sweet newborn smell because my nose was so stuffed up from crying.

I remember her long toes and her head of dark hair. I remember how soft her skin was. I remember the kindness of those around us in the hospital, how gentle they were with us and how lovingly they held and cared for Felicity. I remember looking at the painting that was hanging in the hospital room, thinking it looked like Felicity grown up in Heaven. I look at that painting every day, because it now hangs in my living room, inscribed by the artist 'in loving memory of our precious Felicity Faith.'

I remember thinking almost immediately, "I'll just have another baby. That will make everything okay."


I remember the pain of hearing about Ethan's excitement over his sister turning to tears of sadness when Paul had to tell him she was in Heaven. I remember how lovingly Elijah held her and touched her, like he too was memorizing her. I remember seeing my husband in pain and anguish, in a state I'd never seen him in before.

I remember the intense desire to keep my girl in my arms forever and the overwhelming longing to be home with my boys. I remember the confusion over planning a funeral when I should've been learning to nurse a newborn again. I remember having to send out the email telling everyone what had happened. I remember going through the few girl clothes we had and picking out what she would be buried in.

I remember so many painful memories and yet they are ALL the memories I have of my daughter. So I embrace the pain, remember her, thank God we had her for as long as we did, and hope for Heaven, when I will see her again and be able to look into her eyes for the first time. And there will be no more tears or sorrow or weeping!

I miss you sweet girl! Until Heaven, I will hold you close in my memories. You are always remembered, always missed, always loved.
ALWAYS!

Felicity's apple tree, soon to be in full bloom. I'm wondering what color the blossoms will be.



Felicity's brothers

Why Not Me

Surprisingly enough, with a title like, "Why Not Me," this post is not what you may think.

I remembered something from the MissingGRACE conference that I forgot to blog about and in fact, it's actually good enough for it's own post. The speaker I mentioned in my last post talked about how easy it is to think "Why Me?" when bad things happened in our lives. This is especially true when considering the death of your child. It's not like getting fired from a job or even getting divorced. Believe me, I know about the divorce thing! Losing a child is truly the most awful thing I can imagine happening in my life and I often contemplate "why me?"

Well, Judy challenged us to think of life differently. While we love and miss our babies, we in reality live lives that are the "why NOT me?" for many people. I am the "why not me?" for those who are hungry every day, because I rarely miss a meal. I am the "why not me?" for those who sleep outside in the winter, while I am warm and cozy in my home. I am the "why not me?" for the person who has never known what it's like to be loved by others, while I know the love of so many. I am also the "why not me?" for the mom who has lost baby after baby or has never been able to get pregnant, while I have two happy, healthy boys. Did I do something to deserve the good or the bad in my life? NO! But this is my life, good and bad, and this is the ONLY life I have to live.

So even while I miss Felicity and Jeremiah terribly, I can look at my life and as a whole know how blessed I am. I am going to challenge myself to have this "why not me" attitude in the coming weeks. Why am I not the one starving? Why am I not the one homeless? Why am I not the barren woman? I don't know. But I do know I can be thankful for what I have.

Not a Dichotomy

I've been getting a lot of questions about the MissingGRACE conference Paul and I went to on Saturday. I tried blogging about it yesterday, but just got overwhelmed. For those who don't know, MissingGRACE is a faith-based organization that supports families dealing with miscarriages, infertility, adoption, stillbirth, and neo-natal death. MissingGRACE is located solely in the Twin Cities and was started by a young couple who's daughter, Grace, was stillborn due to an umbilical cord accident.

Other than the reason why we were there, the conference was wonderful. It was all day 9am-8pm and they addressed many of the issues we are struggling through. One of the speakers we listened to three times during the day has lost 9 babies (either to miscarriage or stillbirth) in the last five years and has no living children. She was inspirational and grounded all her talks in scripture. She had so many things to say that spoke to my heart and my mind.


One of the things that especially resonated for me was what she said about the dichotomy of emotions. I nearly always feel like I'm struggling between differing emotions. Take for example a situation where a friend announces her pregnancy or birth of a baby. I'm happy but I'm sad too. Judy shared that while the world says we should be one or the either, we can in fact be both happy and sad and we need to tell people that. To use the word "but" negates the first part of the statement. This is something I need to work on.

Judy also spoke about choosing to be happy. It's okay to grieve our missing children and in fact, we should. It's also okay to be happy and that in order to do so, we must often times choose happiness. We can miss our lives if we let our grief consume us.

I did struggle a bit with all the medical information we received, even though we didn't even attend any of the seminars led by doctors. It was overwhelming to hear all the things I could do to monitor another pregnancy. And hearing the statistics about repeat UCAs (Umbilical Cord Accidents) was stressful as well. It's hard to know what to do and how much intervention is too much.

We met so many other couples who are missing their children. And it was nice to be in a place where I knew I could cry if I needed to. I was able to give comfort to a mom who had just lost her baby three weeks ago. Pray for her. Her name is Chris and her daughter Lillian was born still at 26 weeks.

Paul and I also learned some helpful communication tools. Marriage is hard enough, but add losing a child to the mix and you've got a huge challenge. I was able to meet Sherokee Ilse at the conference too. She is the author of the book, Empty Arms which I was given in the hospital after Felicity's death. I had been communicating with her via email and Facebook, so it was great to meet her in person. She invited us to a weekend at Faith's Lodge in May. We are looking forward to a time of R&R&R (rest, relaxation and remembrance).

To sum it up, I would definitely recommend this conference! Unfortunately it only happens every other year. MissingGRACE does offer support groups and other activities throughout the year though.

On another note, please pray for my friend Sara whose son Samuel was born into Heaven six months ago this week. I know from experience that six months or so was the hardest time for me so far in this grief journey. Pray that she would feel the presence of the Holy Spirit during this very difficult time!

Plan of Attack

Thanks for all your prayers! The fog of sadness has lifted for the most part. I felt like I was trapped for quite a few days despite a lot of prayer and support from others. As hard as it was, it seems to me, based on my reading, that it is "normal" for someone in my shoes. I do recognize the need to have a plan of attack for when this happens again. I'd like to think it won't, but I need to prepare for it because it probably will.

Here's The Plan:

• Ask for prayer IMMEDIATELY!


• Pray and read my Bible immediately and have Paul pray over me.


• Have a homeopathic treatment for depression in the medicine cabinet (I'm going to buy it now so I'll have it on hand).


• Turn on the christian radio station (Turning the radio on right away in the morning helped SOOO much when Felicity first died, even if I wasn't feeling low).


• Get outside if possible .


• EXERCISE! I didn't do this the last 4 days and I think that exercising has helped to keep this from happening in the past.


• Be aware of times when I might struggle: that time of the month, busy times (I start to feel overwhelmed), holidays (Mother's Day isn't far away and I'm anticipating it being very hard).


• Recite passages of scripture that are applicable. This means I need to pick them out now and start memorizing them so that I have them already prepared and in my head.


• Ask for help with caring for the kids right away.

And as for prevention, I'm finding I need to have alone time (not late at night though, which is what I have been doing). I need to find time to sit, reflect, journal, go through Felicity's things, etc. I've tried to do this when the kids are here, but I always get distracted and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So I need to schedule this time so that I have time to grieve, and just grieve.

I'd appreciate more suggestions. If you can think of something, please leave a comment.

Paul and I are going to attend a local conference this Saturday that is focused on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. We'll be attending the grief sessions which I think will be really beneficial for both of us and for our marriage. We're also going to have a date on Friday which is something we haven't done in a LOOONG time. I'm also looking forward to the temperature going up here in the next few days so we'll be able to go outside more - I'll post pictures of Felicity's stone soon too.

Laying it on the Line and at The Throne

This grief stuff is way beyond my comprehension and my abilities. I can't even begin to find words to describe how rough the last three days have been. I'm afraid to even share the depth of what we've dealt with the last three days. One bright spot is that Felicity's headstone is in! I was there last Saturday, but it wasn't there. Then Paul went out to the cemetary before church this morning and it was there. It's beautiful, just like our daughter. How we miss her so!

I'm continuing to deal with a lot of anger, which winds up being lashed out on Paul. I've prayed and prayed, giving it to God, but always wind up feeling angry again in just a short period of time. Am I really giving it up? Am I giving it up only to take it back again? I don't know. I just know I'm weak and tired and confused and I feel so alone.

How can I feel alone? I'm not alone - many of you reading this are right there with me in your grief and Paul is right here with me, but yet, I feel alone.

We spent a lot of time praying this weekend and we really felt like God was working on us and helping us, only to be attacked again later by the same issues. Paul has prayed over all of us and my parents joined us tonight for prayer.

Despite the prayer, I just feel this huge gaping hole in my life.

I feel so broken.

Paul read this quote tonight during devotions:

"Comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth- only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I think I've been seeking comfort instead of Truth.

Please pray that I will seek Truth.

I Want. . .

. . .my babies back.

. . .my body back.

. . .my carefree life back.

. . .to have broken relationships restored.

. . .to change the world.

. . .peace, not just in moments, but in every moment.

. . .to be pregnant.

. . .to believe that I'll birth a live baby, who screams at birth.

. . .to give my boys hope in a sibling.

. . .to feel joy without a tinge of sadness.

. . .to have a joyful faith.

. . .to never question God.

. . .to not be angry.

. . .Jesus to return and take me Home.

I'll take whatever I can get.

Understanding Your Grieving Wife

This post is inspired by my husband, Paul, who also greatly misses our daughter. Together, over time we are learning how differently men and women grieve. He loves me through all of my emotional outbursts, even the ones directed towards him. He always touches me tenderly when I'm upset. He speaks to me kindly even when I don't speak kindly to him. In essence, during the past six months he has loved me even when I am the most unlovable. Thanks, Babe!

HOW WOMEN GRIEVE AND HOW YOU CAN HELP:

• Women grieve very outwardly; we cry, yell, get withdrawn or crabby, and usually show our grief in a visible way. But it may be very hard for us to tell you how we are feeling.


• We may have a bunch of really good days/weeks and then completely fall apart with little to no warning.


• We find that remembrance dates and holidays and the days leading up to those dates are especially hard.


• Touch your wife gently when she is upset. Physical touch reminds her that you care.


• If your wife shows anger towards you, this is part of grieving. She will get over it, but you will be the "safest" target for her anger.
• Talk to her about how you are missing your child so that she is aware of how you are grieving. This will help her to feel that she is not alone in her grief.


• Other upsets in life (i.e. problems with living children, a car accident, a bad day) will make us feel grief more intensely.


• We may say we want to be alone when we actually need you close by.


• Talk about your missing child. If you don't, she may feel like she shouldn't talk about him/her because you'll be sad. This is also important for living children - they may need to talk about the sibling they are missing, but if you don't talk, they may feel that they shouldn't.


• Attend a support group with her. Try it at least twice before deciding whether you'll go again or not.


• Do things in honor of your child like ordering an Easter lily at church, making donations in your child's name, and caring for your child's grave. If you do something that will be public, be sure to tell your spouse prior to a public appearance so they can have their first reaction (most likely an emotional one) in private.


• Don't ever assume your wife is done grieving. Time does NOT heal all wounds. Nor does a new baby - in fact, it may make the grief stronger as you experience milestones with the new baby that you didn't experience with your missing child.

If I'm missing something you think would be a good addition to this list, please let me know and I'll add it.

He Bore Our Sorrows

We went to church last night. It's been awhile since I've cried at church, though it used to be a place where the tears fell quickly and easily, whether I wanted them to or not.

We sit in various positions when at church. I like to sit next to Paul whenever possible. But with a squirmy toddler who needs to be barricaded in, Paul and I don't often get to sit side by side. Last night both boys were between us. The tears welled up in my eyes when I glanced to the right when Elijah said for the third time "Are we done?" and saw my two precious boys sitting there. It hit me that there should be a little girl there with them.

This time I didn't see Felicity as a little baby like usual, but as a little girl. She would've been dressed in a pretty dress with a bow or two in her curly brown hair. Her legs would've stuck straight out, not long enough to bend at the pew edge. She would've had white tights and shiny black shoes on. She would've been sitting between her brothers. But she wasn't there. So I cried, because I miss my daughter.

Today we went to the park after homeschool co-op and there were quite a few kids there. One was a little brown-haired cutie with a stocking cap on her head. She was about four years old. And her name was Faith. So I cried at the park too.

Isaiah 53:4-5 says, "Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed."

When our pastor read those verses last night, it struck me that not only did Christ bear all our sins upon the cross, but he also bore all of our sorrows, all of our pain, all of our hurts and discomforts, and all of our sadness. EVERYTHING! Christ bore on the cross everything that stems from SIN. Everything bad, sad, and hard in this world is the result of sin. He knows my griefs and sorrows and bore them on the cross for me.

The weight of my grief over missing my babies is unbearable at times. And Jesus bore mine and those of everyone else in the world! And someday "the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away." Isaiah 51:11

THERE IS WONDER-WORKING POWER IN THE PRECIOUS BLOOD OF THE LAMB!

Barrier

Thanks for your prayers - I think I feel them working, but I need more. The last 19 hours (minus the 10 I spent sleeping) have been a roller coaster. I returned home yesterday from an appointment and errands and there was a message on our machine. It was a good friend calling to say she'd had her baby early that morning.

I hadseen her the night before and her baby girl was born just 5 hours after I saw her. It was a wonderful homebirth. My first reaction was extreme happiness - I KNEW she was going to have a girl. Then just minutes after that I crashed BIG TIME! I quickly became a sobbing, crying, emotional mess! All that was going through my mind was "why not me?" I spent all afternoon struggling with my emotional state, while still trying to do all my mom responsibilities.

I'm so happy for my friend! She is a beautiful person who has had much suffering in her own life. She lost triplet boys almost half way through a pregnancy, had another miscarriage, and lost her two and a half year old son about 11 years ago due to illness. (She also has five other living children - 6 now with this as of yet unnamed baby girl.) After Felicity died, this friend was someone who just knew how to talk to both Paul and I. She knew what questions to ask and understood our grief.

So, it's really hard for me to understand why I'm feeling this way. I literally feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin at any moment. My heart races at times and I feel like yelling at someone one moment and crying out the next. Is it because this is the first baby girl I know of to be born? Is it because she was born at home? I don't know. But I'm realizing that this was bound to happen sooner or later. Things had been calm for too long. There's a lot of busyness going on in my life right now, plus that broken relationship I mentioned in my last post. Paul and I aren't always on the same page lately either. Nothing major, but it makes everything feel more disjointed.

I'm still searching for peace. And to be truthful, I haven't spent enough time lately talking to God. There's a bit of a barrier there that I'm trying to break down. So, please continue to pray!

Anger

I have to be honest - I'm dealing with a lot of anger the last couple of days. The feeling seems heightened this morning as Ethan began a barrage of questions about Easter. He wanted to know what we were doing, where we would be, who might be coming over. I don't have the answer to any of these questions right now and as I stared at the calendar, all I could see was next Monday, April 6th, where I had written "missing Felicity for 6 months."

I don't want people to think that just because I have faith in Jesus Christ, that I haven't dealt with the normal emotions/stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While I may not have had some of the extremes of these stages, I have dealt with them all to some degree. These stages don't necessarily flow in order. They can occur in just about any combination, repeat any number of times, and continue for years. I'm no expert on the subject, but I can clearly identify with these stages.

I'm angry lately - angry at someone close to me who pushed her agenda in disregard to my emotional situation, angry at the economic climate, angry with my boys' behavior, angry with myself and poor choices I make. I AM ANGRY THAT MY BABIES ARE DEAD! And you know what, I think it's okay for me to be angry. The Bible says that I'm not to sin in my anger though and right now I'm fighting the urge to just blow up! I'd love to have a kicking, screaming, crying tantrum. And considering the ones I've seen in my mothering career, I think I could do it pretty well.

Please pray for me today. Pray that I would be able to hand my anger to Jesus. Pray for a restored relationship with someone who hurt me and continues to hurt me because she doesn't want to change. Pray I can love my boys and train them and not take my anger out on them in any way. Pray for peace in my heart instead of this feeling of chaos and anger. THANK YOU!

Six Months Ago

Dearest Felicity,

Six months ago today was the day I thought I'd finally meet you. I was past my due date and we had planned a natural induction for that day. We still didn't know if you were Felicity Faith or Caleb John. I was so excited to meet you and I was hoping you were a girl, but I'm ashamed to say that at that point I was more excited to be done being pregnant. If only I had known, I would have cherished those extra days with you all the more.

My midwife and her assistant arrived and our busy day began. We tried all the options available including sweeping my membranes, castor oil, and homeopathy. I did go into labor and was dilated to 4cm, but by the next morning labor had stopped. We decided to just wait at that point, at least for a few days.

Did you know, sweet girl, that you were just days away from meeting your Lord? I like to think that you stayed that extra week inside of me, to be near me as long as you could. I just wish I had known!

I think back to when I was 12 weeks pregnant and ended up in the emergency room after having a weird sensation, like I was losing you. After four long hours of waiting and tests, all was deemed fine. I wonder now if what I felt was you moving around so much that that's when the umbilical cord got knotted.

I wondered too about the exact time that you died. I like to think it was while I was sleeping during the hours before you were born. I hope that you drifted off to sleep only to wake up in Jesus' arms. I never felt you struggle, so I truly hope it was peaceful. I hate the thought of you in pain.

I'm learning so much from you not being here, Felicity girl. I hate that! I hate to think that your death was the only way for me to learn these things. But at least some good is coming from all this pain. I'd hate to have it be all for nothing.

I'm learning to be a better wife and a better mommy to your brothers. I'm learning patience and to treasure each day and each moment rather than things. I'm learning to give up control, because I'm really not in control anyway. I'm learning to live in the present instead of always looking to what's ahead.

Other people are changing too, because of you! I've had friends tell me that they're learning to change their negative thoughts and behaviors, because they now realize how fragile life is. Your short life continues to impact others!

And now you have a baby brother with you in Heaven. I prayed and asked God to tell us whether our baby was a boy or a girl. God answered that prayer and told us that his name is Jeremiah Daniel. We look forward to meeting him and holding you both again in Heaven. What a wonderful day that will be! Take care of each other until then. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and will always miss you. You are a precious gift to us!

Love you,
Mommy

A Gift

I've received some really sweet gifts since Felicity died, many from friends in bloggyland that I have never even met. Today I received a wonderful little care package from Kara, an old elementary school friend. We recently reconnected through Facebook. Check out her blog for a cute and informative story, especially if you own a cell phone and have a child under the age of three.

Kara sent me the book, Rain On Me by Holley Girth and I'm really looking forward to reading it. It's a devotional book of "hope and encouragement for difficult times." Just what I need right now. I just finished reading the forward by the author and I'm already thinking I'll be reading more than one chapter a day. Unfortunately the chocolate bar that Kara also sent me won't last through the second chapter. But I'll enjoy it while it lasts and it's chocolately goodness will linger on my thighs for many months as well.

Kara wrote a sweet note and included a quote from Anne Lamott, which I have to share. ". . .what I've discovered is that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it."

It's so true! Whenever I find myself stuffing my grief, I find it that much harder to keep going. When I acknowledge my stuffed up grief, I end up having to play catch-up and it's so much harder. Like one step forward, then two steps back. I'm really finding with all the busyness around me that I have to stay up late or be by myself in order to just sit and feel, to remember and cry. And then eventually I pick myself up and go on, until the next time the grief hits me.

Romans 8:38-39 is the verse at the top of chapter one in this new book and when I read it, it was like I was reading it for the first time:

I am convinced that neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

Despite Felicity's death, whether I'm afraid of dealing with the present or I'm hoping for the future, the depth of my grief can never separate me from the love of God. What a wonderful promise!

Mommy Please Don't Cry

The following is from the book, Mommy Please Don't Cry. . .There Are No Tears in Heaven by Linda Dey Maz with the most beautiful artwork by Laurie Snow Hein. Thank you Mom for giving me this book to remember Felicity in heaven.

"Mommy, please don't cry. . . a beautiful angel carried me here!

I met Jesus today, Mommy! He cradled me in his big, strong arms. He made me feel so happy inside.

Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Matthew 19:14

Mommy, please don't cry. . . Heaven is wonderful! Did you know the streets are made of gold? Real gold!

I have lots of friends, Mommy. We run and play. We giggle and laugh. I can't wait to show you my secret hideouts!

Mommy, please don't cry. . .When I fall down, it doesn't hurt! There are no tears in heaven.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying

or pain for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4

I've met a man named Noah. He told me about his big boat, all the animals, and the very first rainbow. Have you heard of Noah, Mommy?

Mommy, please don't cry. . .We have lots of parties here; with streamers and hats, and the best chocolate cake ever!

When it's time to rest angels tuck us in. I never get scared Mommy. There is no darkness here! Jesus is the light of heaven.

Take heed that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. Matthew 18:10

Mommy, please don't cry. . .The angels are always singing. I love to sing with the angels! You'd be proud of me, I have a pretty good voice. I must have gotten it from you.

There is a river, Mommy, in the most beautiful garden you could ever imagine. . . and a huge tree with yummy fruit. The angels call it the tree of life. Mommy, it's so wonderful to be alive in heaven!

Mommy, please don't cry. . .sometimes I just like to be by myself. That's when I think of you.

Someday, Mommy, we will hold each other tight! Then you will cradle me in your arms, and stroke my hair. . .and once again, our hearts will beat together.

Mommy, please don't cry. . .I'll wait right here for you.

(While I don't believe Felicity is an angel in heaven, the Bible does say that in heaven we will be "as are the angels" Matthew 22:30, so I don't know if that includes wings. The paintings in the book do NOT show the children as angels, but the ones on the artist's website all have angel wings.)

Today marks 2 months of missing Felicity! Two months ago she was born into this world, but not of this world. Her sweet spirit had already gone to be with Jesus. While these two months have been the hardest of my life, I would never take them back if it meant not ever knowing Felicity. I am thankful God gave her to me! I love you Felicity!