Not a Dichotomy

I've been getting a lot of questions about the MissingGRACE conference Paul and I went to on Saturday. I tried blogging about it yesterday, but just got overwhelmed. For those who don't know, MissingGRACE is a faith-based organization that supports families dealing with miscarriages, infertility, adoption, stillbirth, and neo-natal death. MissingGRACE is located solely in the Twin Cities and was started by a young couple who's daughter, Grace, was stillborn due to an umbilical cord accident.

Other than the reason why we were there, the conference was wonderful. It was all day 9am-8pm and they addressed many of the issues we are struggling through. One of the speakers we listened to three times during the day has lost 9 babies (either to miscarriage or stillbirth) in the last five years and has no living children. She was inspirational and grounded all her talks in scripture. She had so many things to say that spoke to my heart and my mind.


One of the things that especially resonated for me was what she said about the dichotomy of emotions. I nearly always feel like I'm struggling between differing emotions. Take for example a situation where a friend announces her pregnancy or birth of a baby. I'm happy but I'm sad too. Judy shared that while the world says we should be one or the either, we can in fact be both happy and sad and we need to tell people that. To use the word "but" negates the first part of the statement. This is something I need to work on.

Judy also spoke about choosing to be happy. It's okay to grieve our missing children and in fact, we should. It's also okay to be happy and that in order to do so, we must often times choose happiness. We can miss our lives if we let our grief consume us.

I did struggle a bit with all the medical information we received, even though we didn't even attend any of the seminars led by doctors. It was overwhelming to hear all the things I could do to monitor another pregnancy. And hearing the statistics about repeat UCAs (Umbilical Cord Accidents) was stressful as well. It's hard to know what to do and how much intervention is too much.

We met so many other couples who are missing their children. And it was nice to be in a place where I knew I could cry if I needed to. I was able to give comfort to a mom who had just lost her baby three weeks ago. Pray for her. Her name is Chris and her daughter Lillian was born still at 26 weeks.

Paul and I also learned some helpful communication tools. Marriage is hard enough, but add losing a child to the mix and you've got a huge challenge. I was able to meet Sherokee Ilse at the conference too. She is the author of the book, Empty Arms which I was given in the hospital after Felicity's death. I had been communicating with her via email and Facebook, so it was great to meet her in person. She invited us to a weekend at Faith's Lodge in May. We are looking forward to a time of R&R&R (rest, relaxation and remembrance).

To sum it up, I would definitely recommend this conference! Unfortunately it only happens every other year. MissingGRACE does offer support groups and other activities throughout the year though.

On another note, please pray for my friend Sara whose son Samuel was born into Heaven six months ago this week. I know from experience that six months or so was the hardest time for me so far in this grief journey. Pray that she would feel the presence of the Holy Spirit during this very difficult time!

Written in Stone

We're happy Felicity's headstone is finally here, but we'd rather have her!

Plan of Attack

Thanks for all your prayers! The fog of sadness has lifted for the most part. I felt like I was trapped for quite a few days despite a lot of prayer and support from others. As hard as it was, it seems to me, based on my reading, that it is "normal" for someone in my shoes. I do recognize the need to have a plan of attack for when this happens again. I'd like to think it won't, but I need to prepare for it because it probably will.

Here's The Plan:

• Ask for prayer IMMEDIATELY!


• Pray and read my Bible immediately and have Paul pray over me.


• Have a homeopathic treatment for depression in the medicine cabinet (I'm going to buy it now so I'll have it on hand).


• Turn on the christian radio station (Turning the radio on right away in the morning helped SOOO much when Felicity first died, even if I wasn't feeling low).


• Get outside if possible .


• EXERCISE! I didn't do this the last 4 days and I think that exercising has helped to keep this from happening in the past.


• Be aware of times when I might struggle: that time of the month, busy times (I start to feel overwhelmed), holidays (Mother's Day isn't far away and I'm anticipating it being very hard).


• Recite passages of scripture that are applicable. This means I need to pick them out now and start memorizing them so that I have them already prepared and in my head.


• Ask for help with caring for the kids right away.

And as for prevention, I'm finding I need to have alone time (not late at night though, which is what I have been doing). I need to find time to sit, reflect, journal, go through Felicity's things, etc. I've tried to do this when the kids are here, but I always get distracted and don't feel like I've accomplished anything. So I need to schedule this time so that I have time to grieve, and just grieve.

I'd appreciate more suggestions. If you can think of something, please leave a comment.

Paul and I are going to attend a local conference this Saturday that is focused on miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. We'll be attending the grief sessions which I think will be really beneficial for both of us and for our marriage. We're also going to have a date on Friday which is something we haven't done in a LOOONG time. I'm also looking forward to the temperature going up here in the next few days so we'll be able to go outside more - I'll post pictures of Felicity's stone soon too.

Laying it on the Line and at The Throne

This grief stuff is way beyond my comprehension and my abilities. I can't even begin to find words to describe how rough the last three days have been. I'm afraid to even share the depth of what we've dealt with the last three days. One bright spot is that Felicity's headstone is in! I was there last Saturday, but it wasn't there. Then Paul went out to the cemetary before church this morning and it was there. It's beautiful, just like our daughter. How we miss her so!

I'm continuing to deal with a lot of anger, which winds up being lashed out on Paul. I've prayed and prayed, giving it to God, but always wind up feeling angry again in just a short period of time. Am I really giving it up? Am I giving it up only to take it back again? I don't know. I just know I'm weak and tired and confused and I feel so alone.

How can I feel alone? I'm not alone - many of you reading this are right there with me in your grief and Paul is right here with me, but yet, I feel alone.

We spent a lot of time praying this weekend and we really felt like God was working on us and helping us, only to be attacked again later by the same issues. Paul has prayed over all of us and my parents joined us tonight for prayer.

Despite the prayer, I just feel this huge gaping hole in my life.

I feel so broken.

Paul read this quote tonight during devotions:

"Comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth- only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I think I've been seeking comfort instead of Truth.

Please pray that I will seek Truth.

Check This Out!!!

My blog friend, Diane, from Tomato Soup Cake (Check her out!) first posted this link the other day. I checked it out and was moved to tears! I never would've heard about this since we don't watch t.v., but I found myself going back to it today and watching it repeatedly - IT'S THAT GOOD!

I wanted to share it too (plus by posting it on my blog - I'll always be able to go back and watch it again and again!). Please go meet Susan Boyle. I don't know when this really happened, but I hope Susan's life is very different now. It's worth the time, just let it buffer first or turn your volume down and come back to it in 10 minutes after it's played through once. Then turn the speakers up and BE MOVED!



UPDATE: Check out this article on Susan to read more about her life! It'll make you cheer her on even more!

I Want. . .

. . .my babies back.

. . .my body back.

. . .my carefree life back.

. . .to have broken relationships restored.

. . .to change the world.

. . .peace, not just in moments, but in every moment.

. . .to be pregnant.

. . .to believe that I'll birth a live baby, who screams at birth.

. . .to give my boys hope in a sibling.

. . .to feel joy without a tinge of sadness.

. . .to have a joyful faith.

. . .to never question God.

. . .to not be angry.

. . .Jesus to return and take me Home.

I'll take whatever I can get.

My Past in Pictures

I cleaned out a bunch of photo boxes recently. I must have thrown out 20 lbs. of photos. Before there were digital cameras (or before I ever owned one), I always ordered double prints, because I never knew how my pictures would turn out - so anyway, I had LOTS of photos. When doing this cleaning project, I realized I needed to start scanning my photos, so I could have a better way of preserving them. Well, yesterday I finally started this project and thought I'd share some pictures from my past.

This is me with my brother and cousins in 1983 - I was 6-7 yrs. old and I'm the one with the broken arm.

This is me and Tweety (one of three "pet" birds I raised) in '85. Oh, noticed the outfit I'm wearing (I wish the photo showed more of it as it was one of my favs). Love the big plastic button in front. Yes, I'm a child of the 80's.

1991 - Me in my volleyball uniform as a freshman. I had a short volleyball career - one season. The girls on my team were too catty for my liking, so I got a part-time job rather than playing another year. I still had braces in this picture and my hair. . . remember a little product known as "Sun-In?" I used it a lot.

Also 1991 but shortly after my braces came off. I thought my teeth looked huge for weeks. This was taken with my besties, Joolee and Billi Jo right before our first DC Talk concert. I hugged Toby Mac that night! *Sigh*

1993 - my first missions trip to Galeana, Mexico (in the mountains). This trip prompted me to learn how to shave my legs and armpits with a safety razor as there would be no electricity for my mom's hand-me-down electric razor. I haven't looked back since. I still remember the names of the girls in this picture - Alma, Olga, and Berenice. They probably have kids of their own by now.

1994 and Prom. Or at least our own prom since between the six of us, we went to 4 different schools. So we scrapped the idea of going to a school dance. Instead we got all dolled up, took pictures, went out to eat at a fancy restaurant, went to a park and goofed off, and then had a sleepover and watched videos. Good times!

1994 - my favorite senior picture and probably fav picture ever of myself. Taken on the shore's of Lake Superior while camping with Joolee and her family - more good times! Thank you Denny, (Joolee's dad) for taking these photos.

'95 or '96 - Just love this picture because of all the pretty fall colors.

And finally, with some of my students while teaching during my methods placement in 1997. I also remember these girls: Meredith, Rose, and Marisa. I sure feel old when I realize that they would be old enough to have graduated from college already!

Now, I'm going to tag the following people to do the same - share at least 5 photos from their past with captions.

Sara

Diane

Sharleen

Heidi

Molly