Reflections

With Felicity's 2nd birthday just around the corner, I've spent a lot of my time thinking on life two years ago. I'm not so consumed by the sadness anymore obviously and for the most part am grateful for each memory I have that relates to her. Those memories are all I have to feel close to Felicity.

My due date was September 28th, the day my parents returned home from their annual two week vacation. We all thought I'd have the baby while they were gone, though I really wanted my mom to be there for the birth. We tried a natural induction on the 30th of September which involved my midwife stripping my membranes, a castor oil smoothie (ew!), homeopathics, and some other things. Labor seemed to get going and then puttered out.

I remember spending our evenings watching "7th Street Theatre", which I had purchased for our anniversary. Several times while sitting there, I thought my water had started leaking, though it was all in my head. I remember the weather getting cold and only having one long sleeve shirt and one pair of pants to wear. At that point I thought I was going to be pregnant forever. (I was 41 wks and a day when she was born, even though both of my big boys had been born in the 39th week).

I remember taking a walk with my mom the night before Felicity was born. I waddled and groaned with each step. I think I even remembering shedding a few tears, thinking my very pregnant state was going to never end. The plan for the following day was to go with Paul to a midwife appointment and then spend the day together and de-stress by maybe going to a movie or something.

I remember the intensity of labor the following morning. I remember the shock and horror of birthing a purple baby and having her cord easily tear completely in half as the my midwife pulled her from the water of the birthing tub. I remember all the people who descended upon our home when Paul called 911. The cries and pleas we both uttered repeatedly as we were taken to the hospital via ambulance still ring in my ears.

I remember how when they moved Felicity back and forth from our room in the hospital, they covered her up so that no other patients would see her and be scared because she was obviously dead. I remember forcing myself to eat a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch at the hospital, while gasping for breath because of all the crying I'd done.

I remember coming home, but to be honest the days to follow are a blur. I can't remember if I ate regular meals, slept all the time, or sat practically comatose on the couch. I remember my inability to go downstairs where Felicity had been born for the first week or so. I remember googling "stillbirth" and "true knots" and reading everything I could find.

I remember my mom and my aunt laboring to create a bulletin for Felicity's memorial service and me saying that it wasn't really necessary. It turned out amazing and it's one of my favorite things about her service. I remember going to hold and comfort Ethan as he broke down in anguished sobs when we watched the NILMDTS video of our photo session for the first time.

I remember my intense need to be hugged by everyone at the memorial service. The physical contact seemed like the only thing holding me up. I remember Paul carrying Felicity's casket at the end of the memorial service out to the cemetery.

I remember all these things and many more. They are not easy memories, but I cling to them because they are all I have.

Despite not having Felicity here, I am looking forward to her birthday. Paul gave me the greatest gift a few weeks ago by announcing he's taking the day off so we can be together as a family. Knowing that has given me the strength to do some planning. I look forward to sharing Felicity's day with you soon!

Still Here

It's been a long time since my last post. I am fully aware of it, but have been quite busy.....painting my house! Yes, I finally started torturing my husband painting the inside of my house.

It's a disease now as I pretty much can't stop. I even have a really bad idea to try a mix a leftover color with a color that did not get used because according to my 8 year old it looked like I was painting the hallway "puke green." So anywho, I think mixing the two might be just the ticket. Someone please talk me out of this quickly!

The plan is to be done this weekend though I won't be done done until I can find a new duvet for our bedroom and then paint our bedroom. I'm still not sure how I feel about the kitchen color. I was going for a sage green which the paint sample "minted lemon" looked perfect. On the way to get it I got a little concerned that it might be too yellow. I needn't have fear. It is definitely green. Very minty green. It's a little like pepto-bismol pink....only green.

Once it's all done, I'm going to take you on a tour of my home. Hopefully I can use our camera well enough to capture the true essence of the colors. That way you can tell me whether I'm done or whether the torture continues kitchen needs to be repainted.

In other news -Caleb turned EIGHT months old yesterday! I felt his first tooth just a couple of days ago. He is still a peach!

A Whole Lotta Stuff

Elijah is four! Here's to another year of enjoying him! Ethan turned 8 a couple of months ago, but I can't post any pictures because they're on our other computer that died.

Our church nursery remodel is almost complete due to many hands and lots of sweat. Thankfully no tears! What began as a new look through painting has become a major project with a wall removal, new carpeting (hopefully being installed tomorrow) that was donated, new paint, and all-around a whole new look. I can't wait for it to be done as it's been a lot of physical and mental work!

I am more than halfway to my goal of 24 quarts of spaghetti sauce and still the tomatoes are coming. At this rate, I may even get a bunch of pizza sauce made too. I recently discoved the Norpro Sauce Master and it is my new best friend.

Caleb has been crawling for about a week! He is now over 7 months old and I've never had a baby so mobile at this age, so it's been fun and crazy. We love him to pieces!

So we've been busy, especially considering we also started school. I'm still reading your blog posts, but haven't been doing much commenting because of time.

Baby Doll

I bought a little baby doll at Target today. It's just a $3 one that's barely bigger than my hand, but she's got brown eyes and a cute pink sleeper on.

While other people may buy gifts for their child's grave, I just can't fathom putting anything like that on Felicity's grave when it will be destroyed by the elements. It would just be another reminder of death, seeing it become dirty and worn, without ever having been played with. So this baby doll will hopefully make a little girl somewhere very happy when she finds it in her Operation Christmas Child box.

I will admit though, that it will be hard to pack her away. As much as I chastise the boys for all their toys lying around all over, I'd give just about anything for a bunch of dolls and little girl toys to be part of the mess.

Tidbits

• We have been busy at VBS this week! The big boys are having a blast, though Elijah won't talk to his teachers or classmates. I find it humorous and very much his m.o. I've been hanging out in the un-air conditioned nursery cleaning and preparing it for a remodel. Today we are home because Ethan woke up with a fever.
• The humidity levels here have been hovering around 100% which makes it feel like Charleston, S.C. I visited there about 10 years ago and it was unbelievable. The ocean water was like bath water and the minute you walked outside you were dripping. I could never imagine living in a place like that.
• Caleb is sitting like a pro. He can pivot on his tummy and move pretty much anywhere. We have re-installed the gate at the top of the stairs and are bracing ourselves for the stage to come. You know, the one where you have to watch the baby like a hawk and train them well. We're of the camp that believes in "houseproofing the baby" rather than babyproofing the house.
• The plan is to start school next week. Should be interesting....
• My laptop screen died so I'm using Paul's which is uber-small, has certain keys in the wrong location, but is much faster than mine. Mine is now tethered to our office (read: room where Paul keeps all of his toys and stuff) where we have a spare monitor. Thus I have not completed all the record keeping things I had hoped to do before school starts.
• I'm feeling very disorganized these days. It always seems like I'm working on multiple projects at once and thus I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off minus the blood.
• Elijah can't seem to stop falling and hurting himself. I've never used our emergency first aid kit until the past couple weeks. Here's to hoping some of his current scabs heal before he falls and breaks them open again.
• Still thinking a lot about Felicity and in disbelief that it's almost been two years. Wonder when it won't feel so surreal.
• So happy about all my blogging friends and the new babies that have entered their lives healthy! Praise God!
• And lastly, I have 50+ tomatoes sitting on my counter all at various stages of ripening. The ground squirrels are eating them off the plants as soon as they are the slightest bit red, so I'm having to pick them daily. I'm thrilled about making pasta and pizza sauce soon and lots of it!

A Man Named John

I went to my first funeral today since Felicity's. It was a beautiful service for a man who lived his life to the glory of his creator. He was a close friend of my parents who died unexpectedly. He leaves behind his wife of 28 years.

One amazing thing about this man is that he wore a flashdrive around his neck every day. He did so because when his body was raptured, he hoped someone would find the flashdrive and read the files on it. The files explained about about salvation and the rapture and the tribulation. Pretty amazing. While he has gone on to glory before the rapture, it is very obvious that his life has been an unbelievable testimony.

I hope I can be used of God the way John was.

Approaching

I can hardly believe some days that Felicity's been gone almost 2 years. I recently wrote about how I feel I'm doing in my grief. Oddly enough, within days of writing that, I had some days of sadness where I spent a lot of time thinking about her.

Her pictures are displayed throughout our home, but I came across a few the other day that knocked the breath out of me when I saw them. I literally couldn't breathe for a moment and even now as I'm thinking back to how that felt, I feel short of breath again.

She was so beautiful! Did I really have a baby die? In the car the other day, I flashed back to when I routinely traveled that same road to visit my midwife for appointments. It still feels so surreal to me sometimes.

Little things trigger my emotions: seeing an ambulance and wondering if it was the one that took her lifeless body to the hospital, seeing a cute little brown haired girl at the playground, sitting at the dining room table when it's dark out and seeing my reflection in the patio door. I remember doing that the night before she was born and being so tired of being pregnant. I took for granted that my baby would be born healthy and soon.

I told my friend Heidi the other day, that I kind of feel myself shutting down as Felicity's birthday approaches. I still don't know how to do this - celebrate a birthday for my daughter who's not here. And yet, I want to and I have to. The boys need to remember their sister and now that Caleb's here, I don't want it to seem like he's replaced her. The planning of these things always seems to fall on my shoulders though, and right now, I feel too weary to even think about it.