Wednesday, June 5, 2013
The doctor gave me a prescription for misoprostal, which I planned to take on Saturday night before bed. But on Saturday morning, I felt a small pop and then began to leak fluid all day along with some spotting. Cramping amped up on Sunday with more spotting and then I awoke at about 5 am Monday morning and said to Paul, "This is it." as I hurried to the bathroom.
For about 5 hours I lost a lot of blood and clots and the baby. (One thing I hoped to do with a miscarriage at home is bury my baby, but due to the amount of blood, I was not able to find him.) Sorry if that's too much info. I wanted to share this experience in all it's grittiness as I don't think people understand what an actual miscarriage is like. I think the general assumption is that you just start to bleed, like a period, sometimes knowing beforehand that the baby has died. This is infrequently the case. I had actual labor pains during those 5 hours. I passed so much blood so quickly that I passed out once and each time I went to the bathroom, Paul had to kneel on the floor in front of the toilet so I could I lean on him to prevent myself from blacking out again. He'd help me clean up and then support me the 10 feet or so back to the bed or in the beginning, the floor next to the bed, because I couldn't even get to the bed. It was awful. I can attest to it being harder the farther along you are. Full-term labor is easier. And I'm not even counting the emotional part. I did not have any strength to even think about how I felt emotionally during it all.
I was incredibly weak all day and in the afternoon, I passed the placenta. By that time I'd had some time to think about how I was feeling emotionally. Believe it or not, I watched "What to Expect While You're Expecting" in bed that morning after the labor pains had passed. Paul had checked it out from the library right before we found out this baby had died. Then we got the news and I said, "I can't watch that." But after awhile of thinking about it, I felt like I HAD to watch it. I wanted to mock it, to be able to be offended at Hollywood for making yet another pregnancy movie that was unrealistic and stupid. To mock the fact that they had chosen model looking actresses to play pregnant women when they'd never experienced pregnancy in real life. BUT, I was surprised. Yes, it was cheesy and unrealistic in parts, but in other parts is was shockingly real. One character has a later miscarriage, one character can't get pregnant and pursues adoption. One of the characters struggles through all the physical and emotional aspects of pregnancy despite being an "expert" on all things pregnancy and baby related. One of the actresses struggled in real life to get pregnant and ended up having to use a surrogate. I laughed and I cried and it helped.
My mom was here with us, during it all. That was helpful. She served me food - making me the most delicious beef roast, which helped me so much after all that blood loss. She added an element that I think all women need during times like these. Paul was so supportive, but my mom knew what I needed when at times I didn't know myself. She's continues to grieve her sister's unexpected death almost 7 months ago, and she grieved for this baby with me. I am so thankful I have her in my life.
Now, I'm trying to remember how happy I was before this baby existed. I was content and I had accepted that we were "done." I am struggling with that now. For me, there's nothing like the joy of a new baby. I was so looking forward to a newborn and nursing again. But my "baby" is almost 3.5 yrs old and I don't think I could emotionally handle another potentially difficult pregnancy or miscarriage - it's just so devastating. We won't do anything permanent or hormonal to keep from getting pregnant, just use NFP, so it's still in the hands of God. I know He can heal my wounded spirit and give me back a joyful faith and I'm fully expecting that to happen, but for awhile, I will grieve.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
In March, Paul and I were able to take a short, but wonderful second honeymoon. A few weeks after we returned home, on the cusp of our family recovering from the stomach flu, we found out I was expecting a baby. Baby #6. We always count our heavenly babies too.
Within days, I was sick and tired and it began to feel very real. At 6 weeks I began progesterone injections. Caleb began asking daily when the baby would come out and play with him. At just over 7 weeks, I saw our sweet baby via ultrasound, heartbeat strong and healthy. At 8 weeks, I'd already been to Maternal Fetal Medicine to discuss the pregnancy. My antibodies were low this time around (1:4) and there was hope this baby would not need the same intense monitoring that Caleb needed.
Then yesterday at my regular doctor's appt., she couldn't find baby's heartbeat. I was 10 weeks 3 days. So she sent me off to get an ultrasound. At the ultrasound, it was very obvious that baby's heart was not beating.
So grief. It's my companion again. I do feel better today after being incredibly sad and crying tons yesterday. Maybe that's acceptance after the shock and disbelief of yesterday. May it's just today and tomorrow will be difficult again.
To complicate all the emotional stuff, we have to decide how to let things proceed. I'm not even spotting yet, so it could take awhile if we let things happen naturally. That's my preference. I'm not thrilled with waiting too long, but I'm not thrilled with the thought of having a D&C either. So for awhile - a week maybe - the plan is to wait. Many people are praying for us which is helpful. This verse was part of our devotions last night: Isaiah 49:15-16 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee. Behold I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.
So now I have three children on earth and three children in Heaven.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
We're all doing well. Life is busy as always. Plenty to do. People besides myself to feed, clothe, diaper, transport, educate, and get to bed. A husband that I don't get to see as much as we'd both like. A garden to keep from getting eaten up by weeds. Chickens that are molting at the wrong time of year. A two year old who does pretty much everything I don't want him to do, but has a smile to melt my heart. A 9 year old who's almost 10 who has dealt with some minor (but difficult) health issues the past couple of months. A now reading fluently 5, almost 6 year old that loves to help mom and dad with whatever they're working on. Another vacation - this time to the Black Hills of South Dakota and a little time in WY. A two week business trip to China for Paul and two weeks of solo parenting for me. Two approaching birthdays!
All in all, a very blessed life. And it's summer time! Yay! We're "done" with school, but Ethan has a weekly list of assignments to accomplish each week on his time table. We're hoping to be outside a lot. Caleb is different than either of my other boys. He does not hesitate to get dirty outside, so he's getting a bath pretty much every time he goes outside. I doubt I'll be blogging much, but we'll see.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
When planning this trip, we made the decision to move every night. Because we wanted to see so much of the state, this was the only way to make it happen. We woke Monday morning, got ready, ate breakfast, and got down to the beach as soon as we could. We had to walk about 1/2 mile on trails through a brushy area to get down to the ocean. The weather was WONDERFUL - of course, I'm the type that loves when it's cool enough to wear layers, but not necessarily need a jacket - and the sun was shining.
Our cute toddler at breakfast (love that off center toothy grin!)
Walking about 1/2 mile down to the beach through this brushy area
Yes, I did go on the trip too as evidenced by a rare self photo
We hung out at the beach for awhile, taking lots of pictures and video, writing Felicity's name in the sand, getting a little wet, finding the exoskeletons of many crabs and a few shells. Then we walked back towards the hotel, made a quick stop at Sharky's (tourist trap!), and then back to the hotel to pack up. We left Oceans Shores around 10:30 or so. We had about 170 miles to travel - all the way to Port Angeles, with plans to stop a few times. Caleb fell asleep right away, so we decided to put on as many miles as week could while he was sleeping. The boys were entertained by listening to Jonathan Park on cd while Caleb slept. The scenery was beautiful as we were alternately in woods then right along the Pacific coast. As lunchtime neared, it was beginning to be apparent that we wouldn't be finding any place to eat anytime soon. It was really remote where we were which even required ALL of us not wearing diapers to relieve ourselves in the beauty of God's creation.
Down at the beach, looking towards shore (the water was really moving in and out)
The view looking south
There was lots of dead fall along the beach and the boys even found a shelter that had been made out of the trees.
We could've stayed there all day, playing and exploring. Paul wandered way out into the water as it was receding and climbed on the rocks out there.
Inside the ferry
To be continued......
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
We got on the train late on the night of the 20th. I think our departure time was supposed to be 11:15 pm, but we didn't pull out of the station until 11:45 or so. We rented the family sleeper suite. Suite is an exaggeration. The room measured 5'2" by 9'5" and that was with the beds up. With the beds (two lower and two upper berths) down there was enough room for one person to be standing. It was small and old, but we had chosen this method of traveling for the experience. As soon as we got on the train, we tried to get settled and to sleep. The boys were excited so going to sleep wasn't the easiest thing to do. The first few hours were spent shivering as our car was super cold (and blowing right on my head) and we couldn't get the heat to work or anyone attend to it (shout out to having an old train car). Finally they seemed to figure it out and we got some sleep.
Day 2 - Friday, Oct. 21, 2011
We got up fairly early which was expected with children and the fact that they started announcing stops again sometime around 6:30 a.m. Since we purchased a sleeping car fare (which was essentially the same cost as flying or the cost of driving - with meals, gas, hotels, wear and tear on the vehicle, etc.), all of our meals were included, so we headed up to the dining car early. We were able to order whatever we wanted off the menu and breakfast was a good meal to eat on the train.
We woke up while it was still dark and we were in the mountains. At breakfast we were in a long tunnel and when we finally got out, we were in the Cascade Mountain range. It was overcast and rainy so we couldn't see much. We were scheduled to be in Seattle at 1o:15. Soon after getting out of the moutains, the train track was right along Puget Sound. This was everyone's first view of the Pacific Ocean (except Paul who is more well-traveled than the rest of us) and there were some cool sights. With our impending arrival, we were getting VERY anxious to be off the train.
Seattle's train station is interesting. There is NO parking other than a few spaces for loading and unloading. With four large bags, three car seats, plus backpacks and such, we were full loaded. We hoped the car rental place would pick us up with a van so we could all go get our rental car, but that was not the case. So Paul went as much luggage as he could, while the boys and I and the rest of our stuff hung out at the train station. Once Paul got back with the rental car, we were off. It was lunch (Jack in the Box - nothing to get excited about) in the car so Caleb could nap. We headed towards Kelso where our first night's hotel was. The plan was to spend the rest of day getting to the hotel with maybe some sightseeing. The following day we would visit Mount St. Helens.
After that it was not much farther to our hotel. It was a Guesthouse Inn and Suites, a place we have never stayed at before and it was nice. When we book hotel rooms, we always try for a king size bed since Caleb sleeps with us and a sofa sleeper for Ethan and Elijah. This room actually had a king size bed and a separate bedroom with bunk beds for the boys. I personally enjoyed sleeping on the train (I had the biggest bed on the train too, since I shared with Caleb), but it was nice to be able to sleep in a real bed again. (Side note: we ALWAYS check for bed bugs at hotels before we bring our luggage in. While we've never found any, we have relatives who have experienced them and know that we do not want to go through what they've been through.)
There are two cave walking options to choose from: easy or hard. Easy is still fairly difficult, but at least we didn't have to scale any 8ft tall lava boulders. (Paul would've tried it!) It was hard enough walking through the easy part, but it was still quite the experience. We didn't even go all the way to the end. At some parts the ceiling was only 8-10 feet high and in other parts it had to have been 30-40 ft.
Afterwards, we ate sandwiches in the car before heading to lava canyon. There's a state park that you can drive through and see various areas that were impacted by the recent eruption 20 years ago. Hiking through Lava Canyon was one of our favorite parts of the trip. It was beautiful, even as cloudy as it was. And walking the suspension bridge was so cool!
It was a great day, with an unfortunate ending. After leaving Lava Canyon Park, we were going to head up to an observation area about 20 miles away, hoping to still get closer to the volcano and to see the eruption side. The roads there were twisting and winding and up and down and Caleb was trying to fall asleep for a late nap, when he woke up, started fussing, and then projectile vomited all over.