Happy 2nd Birthday Caleb!

Happy Birthday, sweet boy!

A Day In the Life: Felicity's 3rd Birthday 10/6/11

HURRAY FOR ME FINALLY FINISHING AND POSTING THIS! (written to encourage myself to be a better blogger.)


6:31 a.m. - I find myself awake with Caleb (20 months) still snoozing next to me (he co-sleeps with us). I usually don't wake up this early unless he's awake already, but then I realize what time it is and I'm transported back to three years earlier. I would've just been about to enter the birthing tub with Felicity being born just 10 minutes later. I continue to lay in bed thinking about her and that traumatic day. It's difficult to reconcile the beauty of my only daughter with the shock and sadness that was her birth.



***On a side note, I just want to state that I continue to support moms and midwives in homebirth. For the majority of moms and babies it continues to be the safest place for babies to be born. I know that my daughter did not die because she was born at home.



6:40 a.m. - I get up, start some coffee, and reflect on the quiet that is my home. It truly is a rare occurence to wake up before any of the boys. I glance out my kitchen window to see the beginning of a beautiful sunrise. I process in my own thoughts that while I still miss and long for Felicity, it's rather impossible to feel grief anymore when I'm surrounded by such hope. (Remember that sadness and grief are different, with grief being much more intense.)


7:00 a.m. - Caleb walks into the kitchen and I immediately note (after thinking how cute he is) that he has obviously had a diaper issue. His whole belly area is wet. I grab him, change him, and go to assess the damage to our bed. The sheets and mattress pad are soaked. I strip the bed of everything and go downstairs to start washing the mattress pad. While this busyness in going on, I pray and thank God that I have a toddler to pee all over my sheets. He is such a joy to our family. I truly can't imagine fully processing the death of a baby without having another baby soon in your arms.



7:15 a.m. - We begin the breakfast process. As we are a non-cereal eating family (there are some exceptions!), breakfast is usually homemade granola for Ethan (9), peanut butter homemade toast for Elijah (5, with an additional side of fruit or yogurt some days), and whatever I think Caleb might eat well that morning (usually being something he hasn't eaten much of in the last 24 hours.) He is an interesting kid when it comes to food. One meal he will love what we eat and then if I offer it to him again the next day, he will totally refuse it.


7:30 a.m. - I shower while the boys eat. My mom is coming over to join us for a day of fun to celebrate Felicity. I'm not sure what time she'll be arriving, but I'd like to get an early start on the day.


8:45 a.m. - Everyone is dressed and pretty much ready to go. Boys are doing a few minimal chores and watching Caleb, while I go assess the laundry situation. I discover that somehow our mattress pad has shredded sometime during the washing/drying process. I'm quite confounded. I go upstairs to do a quick search on amazon for mattress covers. If we get to a Target or Walmart, I want to be prepared to compare prices and quality with what's on amazon. (Side note: I love amazon.com - I purchase many things through their subscribe and save program especially.)


9:15 a.m. - Gramma arrives to the delight of all the children. (Another sidenote: I love my mom and her devotion to my children. They are her only grandchildren and she thoroughly immerses herself in grandparenting them.)


9:30 a.m. - We head out the door. We're going to Stillwater. It's a great MN town, full of fun and quaintness. Our first stop is Aamodt's Apple Orchard.


10:30 a.m. - We arrive after a beautiful drive, despite Caleb's fussiness at times. As we pulled into the apple orchard, both my mom and I recognize it as a place we went cross-country skiing at when I was a preteen. While there we eat donuts and turnovers, walk around, and check out all the kiddy things to do: lame hay maze, swingset, and tractor bikes. It was packed, by the way. (Note the attempt to get a cute picture of all three boys together in the hay - totally an exercise in futility!)

11:45 a.m. Decide to head out for lunch. Never am I more thankful for our GPS than when there's a need to find food. Leeann Chin's was just a few miles away. Lunch was enjoyed by all.

12:45 p.m. Despite Caleb's impending naptime, we head for Teddy Bear Park. Fun was had by all for about an hour. Due to it being a school day, Ethan was the oldest child there and quickly organized a group of kids to play with. Elijah went off with a three and a half year old girl to play restaurant in the sand. And Caleb was just happy playing with a bucket and shovel in the sand.

2:00 p.m. - We head downtown to do a bit of walkingaround with the hopes that Caleb will fall asleep in his stroller. Ethan wants to find a toy store that we had gone to at least a couple of years ago. We can't find it unfortunately and after about 30 minutes, Caleb is still awake so we decide to head to our final stop, The River Market - a natural, whole foods co-op.

3:15 p.m. - Shopping is done, we're in the van and Caleb falls asleep almost immediately. We are home by 4:15 p.m., which means Caleb only gets an hour nap at best.

And by supper time, he is ready for bed....



Happy 3rd Heaven Day, sweet Felicity! We love and miss you always! (Caleb is at a stage where he is obsessed with babies and so he's noticed the pictures of Felicity around the house, so we've begun to talk to him about her and that she's in Heaven.)

Happy 1st Birthday Caleb

We can't believe our baby is one! We are so thankful for his presence in our family and for the One who saw fit to bless us with Caleb.

CALEB

"Faithfulness"

For thou art my rock and my fortress
therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.

Psalm 31:3

Celebrating Felicity's Purposeful Life

Yesterday we celebrated two years of missing Felicity. Paul took the day off which was such a gift to me. My mom also joined us.

I started preparing for Felicity's birthday a few weeks ago. I really felt an intense desire to buy a little girl's outfit so I went and bought this outfit for a friend's daughter, who was born just a few weeks before Felicity.

Caleb woke up at 6:22 am yesterday, so I was able to be up before the sun and also be up at the exact time that Felicity was born. It helped me feel more connected to her and to her birthday to be awake during that time and be able to sit and think about her.

We spent the morning decorating cupcakes and arranging flowers to be delivered to some special people later in the day.
It was then that Ethan noticed the visitor on our deck. This is something that has never happened before, so it was really special to have it happen on Felicity's Day. And I was able to get a picture.

I think he's a northern goshawk, but I'm not too proficient in hawk identification. He sat there for about five minutes after we noticed him and then he took to flight which was a beautiful sight!

After eating cupcakes, we left for our day of celebrating. First of, we stopped at the hospital that Felicity and I were transferred to. We had one special nurse that day and she was wonderfully compassionate to us in our grief. We had not been back to see her since though we spoke with her on a couple occasions after Felicity's death. She knew we were coming today, but it was still wonderful to see her, hug her, and bring her flowers and a gift.

She asked if I'd be willing to work on a sheet of resources for grieving families that they can include in the folders that are given out. I told her I'd be thrilled to do it and I am! If you can think of a book/website/resource that was helpful to you, please comment so I can include it.

Next we went to see our NILMDTS photographer. She did not know we were coming and so it was really neat to surprise her! She shared with me that she had just been viewing Felicity's photos because the day before she had done another session at the hospital. So heartbreaking to hear of another family going through such pain.

After our flower delivery surprises were complete we headed down to our favorite hiking place. After lunch drove to a scenic spot overlooking the St. Croix River. The colors were beautiful even if they were past their peak. While we were there we did this:




The balloons traveled almost straight up. What a glorious day it will be when those who have believed on Jesus rise up into the sky to meet Jesus.

After that we traveled over to the Wisconsin side of the St. Croix to hike in Interstate Park. It was a wonderful indian summer day. The blanket of golden leaves on the ground in the forest made me think of the streets of gold in Heaven that Felicity walks upon.

After all that it was time for ice cream and pizza at Schoony's, our favorite restaurant in Taylor's Falls, MN. The celebration ended with a few minutes visiting Felicity's grave.
It was a good day, although not without tears. She will always be missed and loved! I am thankful though for the healing God has provided for our family in the past two years. We rest in His promises!

Reflections

With Felicity's 2nd birthday just around the corner, I've spent a lot of my time thinking on life two years ago. I'm not so consumed by the sadness anymore obviously and for the most part am grateful for each memory I have that relates to her. Those memories are all I have to feel close to Felicity.

My due date was September 28th, the day my parents returned home from their annual two week vacation. We all thought I'd have the baby while they were gone, though I really wanted my mom to be there for the birth. We tried a natural induction on the 30th of September which involved my midwife stripping my membranes, a castor oil smoothie (ew!), homeopathics, and some other things. Labor seemed to get going and then puttered out.

I remember spending our evenings watching "7th Street Theatre", which I had purchased for our anniversary. Several times while sitting there, I thought my water had started leaking, though it was all in my head. I remember the weather getting cold and only having one long sleeve shirt and one pair of pants to wear. At that point I thought I was going to be pregnant forever. (I was 41 wks and a day when she was born, even though both of my big boys had been born in the 39th week).

I remember taking a walk with my mom the night before Felicity was born. I waddled and groaned with each step. I think I even remembering shedding a few tears, thinking my very pregnant state was going to never end. The plan for the following day was to go with Paul to a midwife appointment and then spend the day together and de-stress by maybe going to a movie or something.

I remember the intensity of labor the following morning. I remember the shock and horror of birthing a purple baby and having her cord easily tear completely in half as the my midwife pulled her from the water of the birthing tub. I remember all the people who descended upon our home when Paul called 911. The cries and pleas we both uttered repeatedly as we were taken to the hospital via ambulance still ring in my ears.

I remember how when they moved Felicity back and forth from our room in the hospital, they covered her up so that no other patients would see her and be scared because she was obviously dead. I remember forcing myself to eat a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch at the hospital, while gasping for breath because of all the crying I'd done.

I remember coming home, but to be honest the days to follow are a blur. I can't remember if I ate regular meals, slept all the time, or sat practically comatose on the couch. I remember my inability to go downstairs where Felicity had been born for the first week or so. I remember googling "stillbirth" and "true knots" and reading everything I could find.

I remember my mom and my aunt laboring to create a bulletin for Felicity's memorial service and me saying that it wasn't really necessary. It turned out amazing and it's one of my favorite things about her service. I remember going to hold and comfort Ethan as he broke down in anguished sobs when we watched the NILMDTS video of our photo session for the first time.

I remember my intense need to be hugged by everyone at the memorial service. The physical contact seemed like the only thing holding me up. I remember Paul carrying Felicity's casket at the end of the memorial service out to the cemetery.

I remember all these things and many more. They are not easy memories, but I cling to them because they are all I have.

Despite not having Felicity here, I am looking forward to her birthday. Paul gave me the greatest gift a few weeks ago by announcing he's taking the day off so we can be together as a family. Knowing that has given me the strength to do some planning. I look forward to sharing Felicity's day with you soon!

It's My Party!

Well, I guess the party's over since the cake is gone, but yep, it's my birthday! If you're near my age or older you understand the feeling that birthdays aren't that great anymore. It's pretty much another day. Hopefully one that won't include finding any white hairs on my head - ha!

I tried to get Elijah to agree to a whine-free day for my birthday, but we're still in negotiations. He did sleep until 7 am which was a nice way to start the day considering that I also slept until 7.

And then there was this beautiful pink sunrise right outside my window.

It's hard to believe that this is already my second birthday without my girl. Last year's birthday was spent in an emotional fog. After taking a picture of the sunrise, I found a note/clue on my cell phone from Paul, leading me on a short treasure hunt for some hidden chocolate.

The real reason I'm posting today is to tell you about a GIVEAWAY. I'd like to meet all of you who are reading this. I have a feeling there is many lurkers on this blog who have not commented. Since I added a sitemeter, I'm amazed at where some of you live. I even had a reader from Prince Edward Island - home to one of my favorite authors and favorite fictional heroines. (Lucy Maud Montgomery who also had a stillborn child, a son, and Anne Shirley)

So here's how this works. In order to be entered into this random giveaway, you need to comment. Tell me who you are, where you're from, and why you read this blog. This is obviously open to those of you I have already met as well, just leave a comment. If I have fewer than twenty comments, there will be three winners. If there's twenty or more, I will pick 5 winners. (Winners will be chosen based on the order of their comment by a random drawing from a hat - my boys will love helping with this part!)

And what do you win?

Four of these homemade dishrags - colors to be chosen by you!

Oh, and here's the kind of weather we've had lately in MN. If it's not raining, it's snowing. We've had three days of snow so far this month which is pretty unusual, even for MN. Yesterday was the nicest day we've had almost all month, with sun shining and temps in the low 50s.

Looking forward to meeting you all! Oh, and this contest runs until Friday, since I don't think I'll be blogging again before that.

Blessings,

One Year Photo Montage

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com