Reflections

With Felicity's 2nd birthday just around the corner, I've spent a lot of my time thinking on life two years ago. I'm not so consumed by the sadness anymore obviously and for the most part am grateful for each memory I have that relates to her. Those memories are all I have to feel close to Felicity.

My due date was September 28th, the day my parents returned home from their annual two week vacation. We all thought I'd have the baby while they were gone, though I really wanted my mom to be there for the birth. We tried a natural induction on the 30th of September which involved my midwife stripping my membranes, a castor oil smoothie (ew!), homeopathics, and some other things. Labor seemed to get going and then puttered out.

I remember spending our evenings watching "7th Street Theatre", which I had purchased for our anniversary. Several times while sitting there, I thought my water had started leaking, though it was all in my head. I remember the weather getting cold and only having one long sleeve shirt and one pair of pants to wear. At that point I thought I was going to be pregnant forever. (I was 41 wks and a day when she was born, even though both of my big boys had been born in the 39th week).

I remember taking a walk with my mom the night before Felicity was born. I waddled and groaned with each step. I think I even remembering shedding a few tears, thinking my very pregnant state was going to never end. The plan for the following day was to go with Paul to a midwife appointment and then spend the day together and de-stress by maybe going to a movie or something.

I remember the intensity of labor the following morning. I remember the shock and horror of birthing a purple baby and having her cord easily tear completely in half as the my midwife pulled her from the water of the birthing tub. I remember all the people who descended upon our home when Paul called 911. The cries and pleas we both uttered repeatedly as we were taken to the hospital via ambulance still ring in my ears.

I remember how when they moved Felicity back and forth from our room in the hospital, they covered her up so that no other patients would see her and be scared because she was obviously dead. I remember forcing myself to eat a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch at the hospital, while gasping for breath because of all the crying I'd done.

I remember coming home, but to be honest the days to follow are a blur. I can't remember if I ate regular meals, slept all the time, or sat practically comatose on the couch. I remember my inability to go downstairs where Felicity had been born for the first week or so. I remember googling "stillbirth" and "true knots" and reading everything I could find.

I remember my mom and my aunt laboring to create a bulletin for Felicity's memorial service and me saying that it wasn't really necessary. It turned out amazing and it's one of my favorite things about her service. I remember going to hold and comfort Ethan as he broke down in anguished sobs when we watched the NILMDTS video of our photo session for the first time.

I remember my intense need to be hugged by everyone at the memorial service. The physical contact seemed like the only thing holding me up. I remember Paul carrying Felicity's casket at the end of the memorial service out to the cemetery.

I remember all these things and many more. They are not easy memories, but I cling to them because they are all I have.

Despite not having Felicity here, I am looking forward to her birthday. Paul gave me the greatest gift a few weeks ago by announcing he's taking the day off so we can be together as a family. Knowing that has given me the strength to do some planning. I look forward to sharing Felicity's day with you soon!

A Man Named John

I went to my first funeral today since Felicity's. It was a beautiful service for a man who lived his life to the glory of his creator. He was a close friend of my parents who died unexpectedly. He leaves behind his wife of 28 years.

One amazing thing about this man is that he wore a flashdrive around his neck every day. He did so because when his body was raptured, he hoped someone would find the flashdrive and read the files on it. The files explained about about salvation and the rapture and the tribulation. Pretty amazing. While he has gone on to glory before the rapture, it is very obvious that his life has been an unbelievable testimony.

I hope I can be used of God the way John was.

Grief After A Rainbow Baby Arrives

It's pretty unusual for me to be up this late - 11pm - blogging. We just got done watching a movie and I should be hittin' the hay, but thought I try to pound out a quick post.

I remember 18 months ago, I was ALWAYS up late, reading baby loss blogs and blogging myself. Those late hours were my sanity in my very insane world. Felicity's death consumed me during that time. Though my children were fed, clothed, schooled, and the house was decent, I wasn't really all there. My grieving mama friend Sara just wrote about this too. I spent pretty much each waking hour dreaming of a baby who wasn't in my arms and thinking about getting pregnant again.

Well, here I am. My "Rainbow baby" will be 5 months on Tuesday. He is so sweet! We love him deeply. So how am I doing with my grief these days? I guess if you could watch my life in real time for a week, I'd look pretty normal to you. No crying spells or depression though I struggle with the things every mom struggles with: training my children, getting the laundry washed, folded, and put away, and getting dinner made. All normal things.

I miss Felicity like crazy, of course and I think about her every day. But these days I'm not consumed by it any more. It's a relief really, to be able to embrace the present, rather than dreaming of the past or wishing the future would come more quickly. I love taking care of Caleb in all his sweet 5 month old chubbiness. (I'll post some pictures this week, hopefully!) And I'm busy keeping up with my big boys and trying to be intentional with them in everything we do.

I don't spend my time searching for baby loss blogs anymore, though when I do come across them, I ALWAYS have to read about their baby loss. I feel a kinship with anyone who's walked this road. I can meet someone, in real life or online and instantly feel connected to them when I know we're both on a grief journey. There's so much comfort in knowing you're not alone. And it is a journey, one that won't be complete until Heaven.

So I'm living life, enjoying life, though always longing for Heaven. For now, I'm content and at peace. God is good, all the time and for that, I'm so very thankful.

"Wow, three boys!"

It seems like everywhere we go, people comment about the fact that we have three boys.

"Wow, three boys! You must be busy."

"Three boys? Are you going to try for a girl?"

"What, no girls?"

These types of statements have given me the best opportunities to tell people about my only daughter.

Just today, I talked about Felicity to three different people: the gal at Burger King who commented to us as we were leaving, the lady who cut my hair, and a woman at the bank. I even pulled out a photo album I carry around with me to show one of them her NILMDTS pictures.

I'm proud of my daughter. I want people to see her pictures. I want people to know about stillbirth and to have a face to put with it. I want her short life to have meaning.

I don't know what kind of impact I'm having when I share with these people, but talking about Felicity helps me. Each time it gets a little easier. And when I tell people I have a daughter in Heaven and they see a smile on my face, I hope that they wonder why I'm able to smile about it. Sometimes they even ask or comment about how hard it is and I'm able to share a little more.

Felicity may not be with us, but she continues to have a legacy.

Overwhelmed

I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a LONG time.

Life has been incredibly busy here for the last few weeks and I'm hoping that in a week or so, I'll feel like I can breathe again. In the last two weeks alone, we've had standardized testing to do, a field trip, a garage sale, illness, a baby dedication, and our AWANA carnival. Amongst all the busyness, I've been dealing with a breastfeeding problem. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I cherish nursing my babies. Yet I've had this issue with all three of them and each time it's painful and heartrending because I want to be able to enjoy each nursing session. Instead they are painful and I begin to doubt whether nursing will ever be a pain-free experience again.

Because I was feeling low last night, it got me to thinking more about Felicity. I mean, I think of her daily, especially now that Caleb is in my arms. Seeing him grow has only caused me to miss Felicity more. So last night's tears were for her too.

I'm finding that in this second year of grief, many of my blurry memories from Felicity's death and afterwards are becoming more clear. Often times as I remember them, I feel like I'm living them all over again, but with more feeling since it's no longer clouded by shock. The pain feels so fresh and raw often times. Caleb pulls me back to the present with his smiles though. And then, even though it still hurts, I can smile and thank God for ALL His blessings. But, oh, how I long for Heaven most days....

Caleb's Birth Story.....Finally!

First bath

All photos at 9 days old

We arrived at the hospital at 6 a.m. on the 22nd as directed. A nurse checked us in and showed us to the birthing room we’d be using. She went over my information and chatted for a bit. Over the course of the day, she was the first of three nurses we’d see as the shifts changed.

I had to change into the hospital gown and get hooked up to a monitor. It was such a relief to hear Caleb’s heartbeat throughout most of the day. Normally I’d have been all for minimizing interventions during labor, but the monitoring was important to me because of Felicity’s death. Overall, we were incredibly pleased with how the hospital handled our birth.

The OB on the floor came in to talk with us about how the day was going to progress and the perinatologist also came in to discuss things. (He was the doctor who did our original consultation with Maternal Fetal Medicine back in July, but since then I had not seen him at any of my appointments.) They wanted to start off with a dose of cytotek, which would help to ripen my cervix. I was still only a cm dilated. Depending on how ready my body was for labor that might be all I needed. Otherwise, I could receive up to four doses of cytotek (four hours apart) and then proceed with pitocin to really get labor going. We’d just have to see how my body handled everything.

I was hooked up to an IV due to be Group Beta Strep positive. I needed to have 4 hours of penicillin prior to Caleb’s birth, which is actually a five hour process because there needed to be an hour between the two doses. The first dose of penicillin was really uncomfortable; it felt like it was burning my arm as it went into my vein. After the initial dose of the cytotek in my cervix at around 8 am, I began having light contractions after about 20 minutes. The nurse said this was pretty unusual. The contractions continued to be light for a couple of hours, but then started to increase in frequency. Slowly they started to increase in intensity too, but I was able to handle them easily. The doctor checked me sometime after 12:30 and I was dilated to 3-4 cm and with very little discomfort from the contractions. Because the contractions were coming so frequently at that point though they couldn’t give me any more cytotek OR start me on pitocin. We were excited by the thought that I might not need anything further to really get labor going. I was restricted to a clear fluid lunch (beef broth, jello, sherbert type stuff, and juice), though I cheated just a little.

I tried to do more movement after eating lunch at about 1:30, but it was kind of hard due to the cords from the monitor and the IV, not to mention the hospital gown wasn’t covering a whole lot. So I paced and stood in one place and moved my hips back and forth. I also rocked in a rocking chair. The contractions continued to pick up both in intensity and frequency. Finally at close to 2:30 as I was standing and swaying back and forth, I felt a weird sensation, like something was stuck and then not. Right away I felt my water dribbling out. What I had felt was the amniotic sac move through my pelvis and break. My parents arrived just then and I continued to leak more and more water. Soon after that I moved into active labor.

I’d say within about 10 minutes the contractions were getting hard to get through regardless of my position. My back was aching during each one despite Paul applying counter pressure. I had back labor with Ethan (my first) and it is not fun. This wasn’t quite as bad, but it was bad enough. I tried sitting in the rocking chair, leaning against the hospital bed on a pile of pillows, and finally I got onto the bed because I was starting to worry that if I didn’t move soon, I eventually wouldn’t be able to.

During this point in labor I was thinking of Felicity. I was remembering my labor with her and how intense it was, though at the time I didn’t know she had died. I was also thinking of all my grieving mommy friends. I thought about all of them that went through labor (or c-sections), knowing that their babies had died. I was struggling to get through labor and all the while I could hear Caleb’s heart beating away on the monitor. I could only imagine how incredibly painful it must have been to labor in physical pain while being in so much emotional anguish knowing your baby was gone from this world.

At about 3:15 (I’m not totally sure of the exact time) I was in a hands and knees position on the hospital bed, leaning on a pile of pillows, when I began to feel “pushy.” I said so and the nurse called the doctor, but both the perinatologist and the OB on call had been called down to the OR. So they sent in the midwife on call, who just happened to be the midwife who caught Ethan 7.5 years ago. (I wasn’t too fond of her back then; she just isn’t very friendly and does not have the right demeanor for being a midwife.) She checked me and said that I was dilated to 6. This was SO hard to hear since I was feeling like I might need to push. I got upset and told them I needed something for the pain. I was exhausted and the contractions were right on top of one another or so it seemed to me, not to mention the pain of having back labor. Both Paul and my mom encouraged me to keep going, but I was at my breaking point.

My dad finally had to escort my mother out. (My mom and I have a great relationship, but I’ve learned to set definite boundaries when she can’t deal with decisions I’ve made. I love you Mom, but you understand this part of our relationship!) I moved to sitting on the edge of the bed, while they went to get me a shot of morphine. To my knowledge (I was pretty unaware of anything but the pain at this point), Paul and the nurse were the only ones in the room. I sat on the edge of the bed for a few contractions before feeling the urge to push once again and harder at this point. I said I needed to push and the nurse quickly called for the doctor or midwife. I moved back onto the bed all the way and then another contraction hit. I think the perinatologist just made it into the room and to the bed, when I pushed. Caleb came into the world with that single push at 3:55 pm. I never even felt him crown, it all happened so fast.

He was put on my chest and we all marveled at his small, perfect body. It was pretty obvious by just looking at him that he was my smallest baby. We called my parents to inform them that he had arrived and they came back to the room. The doctor had to take him back after a few minutes to suction his mouth and nose. This process took a good 5-10 minutes. I couldn’t see him too well, but Paul was right next to him and everyone was telling me what was happening. I had already delivered the placenta, without much effort. It was then that it all hit. He was alive! He was okay! I asked if the cord had any issues and the OB said it was fine. I started to cry thinking of all we had been through in the last 15+ months. I cried for Felicity. I cried for my grieving mama friends. I cried because I was happy and tired and had a beautiful baby. Finally he was back in my arms and then nursing! I thanked God for being merciful and allowing Caleb to be born healthy and alive.

Promises

Lately when I open my Bible, I find myself flipping all around, reading a little here and a little there. Honestly, my main goal is looking for comfort and promises that Caleb will be alright.

Worry is a constant part of my day. I've learned to "turn the volume down" so to speak most of the time, but until he's in my arms, I'm worrying about him. Thus many of my personal prayers are for peace and trust.

I told Paul yesterday that I want to pick out 3-5 verses for both of us to memorize (though also have in print) for labor. I want those to be my focal points as I can only imagine labor is going to be tough: physically, emotionally, and mentally. I want the Holy Spirit to be completely present with us.

Here are some of the verses that I'm clinging to. Please comment if you have others you like. We haven't decided on our verses yet, so I'm still looking for suggestions.

Zephaniah 3:17 The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty, he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.

Isaiah 51:3 For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord: joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving, and the voice of melody.

Isaiah 51:11 Therefore the redeemed of the Lord shall return, and come with singing unto Zion; and everlasting joy shall be upon their head: they shall obtain gladness and joy; and sorrow and mourning shall flee away.

Isaiah 61:3 To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

Psalm 5:11-12 But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love they name be joyful in thee. For thou, Lord, wilt bless the righteous; with favour wilt thou compass him as with a shield.

Psalm 16:11 Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

Psalm 18:6 In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even unto his ears.

Psalm 30:5 For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

Psalm 31:7 I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities;


Have a blessed week,

Remembering

I'm doing quite a bit this weekend to get ready for Caleb's arrival. We had his 33 week MCA scan yesterday and he's still doing well! It was a longer appointment than usual though, as his head was in a difficult position for the tech to get a good reading.

So now that we've passed week 33, I feel the need to really get things ready. We have been told that if Caleb gets sick after 34 weeks, they would induce labor (or do a c-section, depending on how sick they think he is) and then do a blood transfusion with him out. This is apparently safer than attempting an intrauterine transfusion in late pregnancy.

We're praying this won't happen, but we need to at least be somewhat prepared for that scenario. Considering our distance from the hospital, we all need to have bags packed and ready as of this next week. As well as the car seat installed and diaper bag packed.

I finally got the tub of baby stuff up out of the basement (Thanks, Paul!). I opened it this morning. It's hard to explain the feelings I had as I was both excited and nervous about looking at the contents of the container.

You see, this tub holds the clothes and such that were hastily packed away after Felicity died. In it are the only girl clothes I have that were all intended for Felicity if she turned out to be a girl (remember we didn't know what we were having). Despite not seeing them for over a year, I remembered these pink and purple articles of clothing in detail. I had painstakingly purchased them before her birth, knowing I'd want her in pink immediately if she was a girl. The only piece missing is the pink cotton gown she was buried in.

As I unpacked them today and laid them out on the bed, I was caught up in sadness for a little while. Regardless of where I am or what I'm doing, Felicity's never far from my thoughts, especially during the holidays. I'm always wishing she was here and picturing what she'd look like and what she'd be doing. I imagine how excited she'd get over the Christmas lights and how we'd all be delighting in her excitement.

Needless to say, I didn't get much else unpacked. Those outfits are still lying on the bed. Once I get everything unpacked, I'll probably put them in my cedar chest rather than packing them away again in a tub. I think I'd like to have easier access to them if I want to look at them.

We took our family Christmas picture on Sunday. Paul and I debated about how to include Felicity. Last year we took a picture of all of us with me holding a framed of her. This year we decided to do something else. Here's the photo:

It turned out okay, I think. I'm sure everyone can relate to how difficult it is to get a good family photo. Usually somebody's eyes are shut, somone has a goofy smile, or someone else is out of focus. Despite the frigid temps here these days, I am usually boiling hot, which means I let my perfectionist tendencies go this year and settled on having it done versus pursuing the perfect photo. FYI - some of you will be the lucky recipients of this exact photo is just a day or two!

It's hard to believe that Christmas is only two weeks away! So much to do! We are blessed that Paul is able to take two full weeks off at Christmas every year. We so enjoy this time together as a family and this year won't be any different. The time always goes so fast!

Blessings,

Every Move You Make

Dearest Caleb,

Every move you make brings me such happiness. Each kick and turn causes me to offer up a silent prayer of thanks to God, for you and the hope you are bringing into our family. I also pray for your continued safety in the coming weeks. I ask God to allow you to come home with us. I plead with God to keep us from feeling more pain and I ask that He would protect your brothers especially.

We are so excited for you to be here! I feel you moving around as I type this on the laptop, though I'm running out of lap with which to hold the computer. Whenever Daddy and your brothers are playing or wrestling, I envision your participation and wonder what life will be like with three active boys.

No matter what happens we are very blessed. And I will continue to memorize your movements and enjoy each day with you. I look forward to holding you in my arms soon!

Love,
Mama

Going Backwards?

It's starting to hit me that Caleb could be here in 6 weeks.

I don't think I've explained this before. Because of the risk of anemia, if Caleb stays healthy until 34 weeks and then develops anemia, they would take him out (method to be determined) and do a blood transfusion afterwards, rather than doing an intrauterine one which involves more risk.

I don't particularly want him to be born that early.

My biggest concerns about when he is born are his health and how long he would have to be in the hospital, though I will admit, the idea of waiting until the end of January is not appealing.

I feel like my thoughts have gone backwards in terms of birth. I am still an active supporter of homebirth (having had two) and an advocate of natural childbirth (no drugs/medical interventions), but have found myself in a position where neither is an option. Homebirth is COMPLETELY out of the question due to the risks involved with Hemolytic Disease of the Fetus or Newborn, though I haven't ruled it out for a future baby who does not carry the little c antigen. And as for natural childbirth, at this point I am planning an induction around 38 weeks.

After losing Felicity at 41 weeks, the thought of waiting for labor to happen naturally (should Caleb remain healthy, with no sign of anemia) is terrifying. I know I would constantly be worried him being stillborn. Even now at almost 28 weeks (tomorrow), I worry A LOT! I am so thankful whenever I feel him moving inside. Those movements or the movements of future babies will never be taken for granted. Those movements tell me my baby is alive!

So this birth will be an interesting journey. We won't even know up until the point of induction/c-section where Caleb will be born or what the days/weeks after his birth will hold.

I am NOT ready for Caleb to be born in six weeks. There is so much to be done around here to prepare for him: meals to make and freeze, changing table to be brought out and stocked, clothes to wash, bassinet to be purchased, car seat to install. I'm ready to do all these things and yet, I'm not. While I pray daily for a healthy baby and truly believe he will be born okay, the thought of having to pack all the stuff away should something go wrong is so unbearable.

Tomorrow is Caleb's 28 week MCA scan and Bio Physical Profile. Pray for us tomorrow and in the coming weeks. Pray for good communication between Paul and me. Pray for Caleb to stay healthy. Pray for peace for the boys as this is hard for them too. I want to tell them their brother will be fine, but I can't, not after what happened with Felicity. We are very appreciative of your faithfulness in prayer!

Caleb's Photos

Caleb had his 26 week MCA and growth scan yesterday. (They check his growth every 4 weeks.) He continues to do great! We are thrilled! He did measure smaller than 26 weeks, which ordinarily wouldn't be a concern for me considering how big my babies have been at birth (Ethan was 8.4, Elijah was 9.3, and Felicity was 9.15), but I am going to be praying that he gains weight. If he is born early, he will do better if he's not too small.

Here are some photos from yesterday's ultrasound.

Yes, that's his big toe practically in his nose!

We don't have to go back for two more weeks, but I have the feeling that as we get closer to the end, we will end up going every week again. That's just my impression of the perinatologist's m.o. Next time they will do a Bio Physical Profile and another test that I can't remember along with the MCA scan.

Thanks for all your prayers! I know I say that every time, but I am exceedingly thankful as there have been many times I know the only thing keeping me from despair was the prayers of so many saints. STAY TUNED FOR A GIVEAWAY NEXT WEEK in appreciation for your kindness!

Blessings,

Dreamin'

I had a dream last night that Caleb had been born.


All 7lbs. 14oz and two weeks early. He was tiny compared to my other babies. But oh so sweet and perfectly healthy.


In the dream I changed him a few times and nursed him a couple times and it was LOVELY!


The dream also involved moving to a older house which had double pane windows (I wish!)and little minnows with legs that crawled all around my feet like mice (eww!)


But hey, I'll take what I can get!

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I'm still trying to work on that vacation post, but Blogger is not liking me uploading pictures these days, so we'll see if it ever gets posted!


Have a great week!


Blessings,

One Year Photo Montage

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

One Year of Missing Felicity

Thanks to those of you who remembered today was Felicity's one year Heavenly birthday. Your thoughts, cards, prayers, and flowers (Thanks Molly and family!) are a blessing to us. Like many of you have said, the anticipation of today was harder than the actual day.

I did have some very weepy days/moments last week and on Sunday when we celebrated Felicity's short life, but today was good. The boys and I went down to the cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul for those of you who don't know MN) and went out to lunch and to the Minnesota History Museum for a field trip. I knew it would be important for me to be out of the house today, especially since it's been overcast and rainy here for the past 5 days, which has impacted my mood.

On Sunday, we visited Felicity's grave after church. For those of you who don't know, we attend a small country church and Felicity is buried in the church cemetery right next to the church. My parents came up on Saturday and my aunt joined us on Sunday. They were the only ones who got to see and hold Felicity besides Paul, the boys, and me. After visiting Felicity's grave and taking some photos, we went out for lunch. I was hoping to go hiking after that, but the weather was too rainy, so we headed back to our house.

While waiting for the rain to clear, we sang "Happy Birthday" to Felicity and enjoyed some cupcakes made in her honor. Normally for birthdays around here I make cakes, so I thought cupcakes would be something different and special. There were many tears on my part during this time and it was incredibly sad to see Ethan break down too. He hasn't cried over Felicity since the day before her memorial service when we watched the photo montage our NILMDTS photographer made for us. It breaks my heart all over again to see him missing her so much. All I could do was hold him and tell him that it was okay to cry.

After waiting for the rain to clear up, we were finally able to release balloons in honor of Felicity and Jeremiah. I was stressed out because I didn't think the weather was going to clear up enough to do so, but God provided some beautiful blue sky for us at just the right time.

I haven't yet gone through all of Felicity's things, though I plan to soon. The thought of doing so doesn't bear so much pain as it did a week ago. I'm sure there will still be tears, but I'm not afraid of them.

I'm working on a montage of photos taken over the past year that have to do with Felicity. I hope to have it up in a day or two.

We miss her so much but I am continually reminded that "in His presence is fullness of joy." She is complete in every way as she worships her maker in Heaven. What a joy it will be to be there with her someday!

Blessed Beyond Measure

Seeing your baby on an ultrasound is amazing! There is nothing like it, other than holding that baby in your arms. Here's how yesterday went. We have to travel about 45 miles to get to the University of MN Hospital where I'm being seen by Maternal Fetal Medicine. Whenever we head to the cities, I usually try to get several things done while were there and yesterday was no different. Thankfully we headed down early because at about 10:45 (my appt. wasn't until 1:30), I got a phone call from the genetic counselor we were going to be meeting with.

She apologized for calling so last minute, but was wondering if we could come in by 12pm instead. They were hoping to test Paul's blood to see if his chromosomes carried 2 little c antigens or one little c and one big C (confusing, I know). Anyway, if they could determine that he has two little c antigens then we would know for sure that baby #5 has the antigen and the amniocentesis wouldn't be necessary. If though, he had one big C and one little c then the baby would have a 50% chance of having the little c antigen and we would still need to do the amnio.

Not having an amnio certainly appealed to me as I was (and am) very concerned about the risk of miscarriage, though it's a very small risk (less than 1%). But not having the amnio would also mean that this baby is at great risk for developing Hemolytic Disease of the Fetus or Newborn (HDFN) because of having the antigen. So Paul left work and picked me up and we rushed down to the hospital.

They took Paul's blood and then we met with Cherie, the genetic counselor. We had to go over about 4 generations of family members to determine any risks that this baby might face. (With the way our government and health care are going, it felt a little like genetic profiling.) After that was done and Cherie shared more details with us, we rushed off to grab a quick bite to eat.

When we returned the results for Paul's blood work were back. He has one little c antigen and one big C which means the baby and every baby in the future has a 50% of getting the little c antigen. Then we waited a long time to get in for the ultrasound. They do an u/s before (and during) an amnio to determine good pockets of fluid and to see how baby is doing. It was the most detailed u/s I've ever had with a pregnancy. And like I said earlier, it was amazing to see our baby!

After the ultrasound, the perinatologist came in to do "the procedure." They no longer do a local anesthetic, which was little frightening. The doctor told me I'd feel "a pinch and then cramping." I'd say that was a fairly accurate description of the way it felt, though the cramping was pretty intense. Not to mention I was tipped back so my feet were higher than my head, so my legs got all numb. The whole thing lasted (in my estimation) about 60-90 seconds. Afterwards they checked the baby's heart rate again on the u/s. Then I had to go down to the lab for a blood draw so they can confirm that the cells in the amniotic fluid are the baby's, not mine.

We opted to do the chromosomal study as well as the antigen test. That way if anything is detected in a later u/s during the pregnancy, they will have the chromosomal study to compare it to, rather than having to go through another amnio later on. The doctor did see something in the u/s that was slightly concerning and that was the measurement of the baby's arm and leg bones. She said that were a little shorter than normal and that could be an indication for Downs Syndrome.

It was a little scary hearing that. We would love a child who has Down's Syndrome like any other baby that God gives us, but our concern is how a baby who has Down's would be able to handle HDFN if he/she has the antigen. We will find out the results of the chromosomal study in 8-10 days. We will have to wait 2-3 weeks for the results of the antigen test. If baby has the antigen I will have to go down to the University Hospital every week starting at 18 weeks for weekly ultrasounds.

After 4 hours, we were finally done. It was a long afternoon, but Praise God it went well. I'm feeling pretty good today, some cramping but no spotting. They told me to take it easy for 24 hours.

Oh, and did I mention we found out whether baby #5 is a boy or girl? We did!

This is our son, Caleb! We are so blessed! Caleb was the name we had picked out for Felicity, had she been a boy. At first I wasn't so sure about using that name for this baby, but this baby most likely wouldn't be here if Felicity had lived, so they definitely have a connection to each other. The name Caleb means "faithful" or "brave." Both these adjectives are fitting for our son and our God!

Thank you so much for your prayers! You are a blessing to us and to Caleb!

Blessings,

Appointment Update

Thanks everyone for your prayers!

I was quite emotional going into the appointment after trying to decide whether to check yes or no on the survey sheet they gave me as to whether or not I "have emotional concerns or need counseling." AUGH! I just put a question mark. That along with the multiple bulletin boards in the waiting room with hundreds of pictures of beautiful, healthy, smiling babies made me start to tear up.

I was able to get control of myself until I had to tell the nurse who saw us first about Felicity. It's just so hard and I don't always know how people are going to react - whether they'll be gentle or brush it off like it's nothing.

After that we spent quite of a bit of time talking with the resident doctor. She went over most everything with us and answered what questions we had before we met with the doctor. Here's the low-down:

Paul has antigen c in his chromosomes which he most likely passed to Felicity. Our blood mixed at some point (probably during her birth) and my body produced an antibody to it - meaning my body wants to fight off any red blood cells with antigen c in them. We need to determine whether the baby also carries this antigen. This will be done with an amniocentesis (a needle inserted into my uterus to withdraw amniotic fluid) on August 7th. They need to wait until I am 15 weeks along to do it.

If the baby does not carry this antigen (a 50% chance), then all will be fine and this pregnancy can proceed normally. However if the baby does carry this antigen, I will be closely followed via special ultrasounds to see if the baby is developing anemia (a 65% chance). They will do this by watching an artery in the baby's brain to see how quickly the blood is being pumped. An anemic baby's heart will have to pump blood much more quickly than a healthy baby. These ultrasounds would happen every week most likely.

Then if baby develops anemia, a cordocentesis will be done (taking blood from the umbilical cord which involves baby being sedated for the procedure) to test baby's iron level. This will determine the need for blood transfusions which could happen every 2-3 weeks or more often in the beginning. If baby is not doing well, an early induction will be considered.

It was very helpful to get the big picture and to know a little of what the future holds. The doctors were VERY nice and really answered all the questions we had. We will also see a genetic counselor on August 7 as this antibody issue could affect every baby from here on out. Elijah is not affected by this thankfully. Usually the first child in these cases is not a carrier.

Please continue to pray! While having an amniocentesis is not unusual, it does carry risks of infection and miscarriage. But by doing this we will know for sure whether or not this baby is at risk and can proceed accordingly. If you've had one, I'd be interested to hear about your experience.

We may also have the opportunity to be a part of a trial at a hospital in Milwaukee that is testing baby's blood type through mom's blood. This is routinely done in Europe but due to federal regulations and lack of studies in the US, it is not considered as conclusive as amniocentesis yet. It has great promise though because it is completely non-invasive, unlike amnios. Being a part of it could give us more information as well as help set standards for moms in the future dealing with these types of issues. We are waiting to hear more information about if from the doctor.

Thanks again for all your support! It is such an encouragement to us! Ethan often reads your comments over my shoulder and it is having an impact on him, knowing that so many care and are praying.

PAUL- please correct me in my comments if I missed anything or got any info. wrong. Love you, Babe!

Blessings,

Please Pray for Baby #5

Yes, we are expecting another baby - we're hoping that this baby will join our family in January. I am 10 weeks and we were actually planning on waiting awhile longer to share this happy news, but unfortunately circumstances that have developed are creating the need for much prayer. This baby's story actually starts back in February.

Most of you know that I was pregnant back then with baby #4. I went to see my doctor at the beginning of Feb. where they took my blood and confirmed the pregnancy and so forth. Then on February 22, baby #4 (whom we named Jeremiah) went to Heaven to be with Felicity.

Shortly thereafter I received a weird letter in the mail from the University of Minnesota blood bank. It stated that my blood had tested positive for an antibody to red blood cells known as anti-c. The letter stated, "This does not indicate any problem with your personal health, but is important for future blood transfusions." It included a card that I needed to carry with me.

I didn't quite understand it all, but it didn't seem like I needed to do anything other than carry the card with me and let my doctor, Dr. M, know the next time I saw her. Dr. M actually called and left a message saying how sorry she was about my miscarriage and how she would be willing to talk with me at anytime. She never mentioned the antibody issue nor said that I should call her back. Since I was quite an emotional wreck at the time, I never returned that call.

Fast forward a couple of months to April when I received another letter from my doctor stating that she was going to be leaving my clinic in June to practice elsewhere. I felt this was confirmation that when I got pregnant again, I should go ahead and start going to a Christian, pro-life clinic where I could receive progesterone therapy if my levels were indeed low.

Then on May 24, we found out baby #5 was coming! We were thrilled and scared. Our main fears were (and are) another miscarriage or a repeat cord accident. I know I've shared before that repeat cord accidents are extremely rare, but I've since learned the opposite. In fact, there is a doctor in Louisiana who practices solely with parents of stillborn babies to prevent repeat cord accidents.

The next day I began going to the Christian, pro-life clinic for progesterone therapy as I found out that my levels were indeed low. I hadn't yet transferred my records to the new clinic as they didn't need to see me again for OB care until I was 12 weeks. Then on June 1, I got a voicemail from Dr. M saying that it was her last day at the clinic and she wanted to check in with me to make sure I was okay. Again, it was an emotional day and I just couldn't call her back. I figured I could write her a note letting her know I was okay at a later date. But then she called back two more times that day, finally stating in her message that she needed to talk to me THAT DAY about the antibody issue. So I called her back.

She told me that this antibody issue is serious in relation to pregnancy - that it can lead to anemia in the baby and that she had referred me to Maternal Fetal Medicine at the University of MN. She just never really said how serious so I kind of pushed it out of my mind after briefly talking with Paul about it. I mentioned it to my midwife who started doing her own research. She called us back, told us what she had found out, and told us that we really needed to follow up on this SOON!

Well, the drama didn't end there. During all this, Maternal Fetal Medicine had called my clinic back saying they didn't want to schedule an appointment with us until both Paul and I had blood work done at our own clinic. Unfortunately, because Dr. M had now left the clinic, both the referral and the order for blood work needed to be reordered by another doctor. So I had to go to the clinic and start all over.

So I saw the first doctor with an available appointment and of course, had to tell her the whole long complicated story. Dr. B was really nice and didn't get all weirded out by my homebirth experiences- she actually had some positive things to say about homebirths. She ordered an ultrasound for me that day as they were still waiting to hear back from Maternal Fetal Medicine about what blood tests to run. She figured it would be best to make sure this pregnancy was progressing normally (aka "viable") before doing all the blood work.

I was so nervous going into the ultrasound appointment. I had to go the hospital where we found out Felicity had indeed died and being there is always stressful for me. Not to mention the last ultrasound I had there confirmed that Jeremiah was gone. Thankfully Paul was able to meet me there. The baby looked great! Heartbeat was good and we could even see some little arm buds. What a relief! The due date corresponded well with my calculations.

Over the course of the next week we both had our blood work done and found out we both have this antibody. The most likely explanation to all this is that Felicity carried this antibody and when she died, her placenta must have partially separated before birth and our blood mixed.

So now we have an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine this coming Tuesday, July 7th. Oddly enough it's at the same hospital where seven years to the day I was laboring to deliver Ethan into the world. (His birthday is July 8th!) I've spent a lot of time talking with my midwife who has done a ton of research for us and also much time online researching myself. I don't understand much of the medical lingo but this is the synopsis.

This antibody can cause my body to see the baby's red blood cells as foreign and destroy them, thus causing anemia. This can lead to a condition called Hemolytic Disease of the Fetus or Newborn. It can range from moderate to severe. It can cause stillbirth, heart failure due to fluid collecting in baby's body, or severe jaundice. Treatment can be as involved as intrauterine blood transfusions during pregnancy or nothing may need to be done other than careful monitoring of baby's growth. There may also be a need for an early induction before fluid collects in baby's organs.

I am assuming that this pregnancy (and all pregnancies from here on out) will be closely monitored. I am hoping to find out a lot more at our appointment on Tuesday.

We DESPERATELY want this baby! I have given this little one back to God many times so far, but I'm praying that God's will is that this baby will join our family! Please pray for a healthy little one, peace during periods of waiting, and wisdom to make wise choices.


THANK YOU!

Fully Aware

I am fully aware that next Saturday will mark eight months since Felicity entered Heaven. I am also fully aware that we already have many activities happening that day and the week leading up to it. Please lift me up in prayer this coming week as I am already feeling myself slipping into a fog. I realized today that this week marks more time missing Felicity than time spent anticipating her arrival. We've known her longer as a memory than a reality. Oh, that hurts! Some moments it hurts so badly, I don't think I can stand it.

I thank God daily for my boys as their presence has truly sustained me physically these many months. While God has sustained me spiritually and emotionally and Paul has been my all-around supporter, without Ethan and Elijah to love and care for, I really think the past 8 months would've been quite different. I don't even like to think how different. But I ache to think of other grieving moms I've met who don't have any other children to help them through this deepest of valleys. So boys, someday when you look back on this time, please know that you helped me so much!

And thanks to you all, who have faithfully prayed for me and my family. I don't know what I would've done without you all. Thank you for sharing your own stories of loss and helping me see the path ahead of me.

A Sign

I don't believe in coincidences, fate, or luck. I believe in the providences of God. I believe that He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and present everywhere.

I believe He gave me this as a sign of His Goodness and His Faithfulness!

PINK blossoms on Felicity's apple tree!

Faith's Lodge

"FAITH - Sorrow looks back. . . Worry looks around. . . Faith looks up."

For those of you who didn't know, Paul and I went to Faith's Lodge last weekend. We left the boys with Gramma and Papa and traveled up to Danbury, WI on Thursday evening. We are only about 75 minutes from Faith's Lodge, though I know that people from all over the country travel there.

Faith's Lodge was dreamed up and built by Mark and Susan Lasek after their first daughter was born into Heaven because of an umbilical cord accident. While I don't know whether the Laseks are followers of Christ, they named their daughter Faith because they knew they'd need a lot of faith to get through life after her death. It's amazing how this couple has used their love for their daughter to touch so many people.

Faith's Lodge is a beautiful retreat for parents and families who have a sick child or a child who has died. It is situated on 80 wooded acres. The planning and building took a few years and the Lodge will have it's second anniversary in June. It is a beautiful "home" with eight suites, a movie room, kitchen, dining room, library, craft room, and family room. It is an amazing place! Here's a picture of the back of this little cabin in the woods. Paul and I sat in the middle set of chairs, right outside our suite late Friday morning and had devotions. A barred owl listened in from about 100 ft away.

About 30 minutes after we arrived, we felt totally at home. Carla, the "house mom" for the week, played a big part in this. As a mom who has lost three of her children, she truly knew our heart ache. There were five other couples there, all who have lost a baby. It was heartbreaking to hear each story. But I think we learned a lot from each other, despite differences in beliefs. We were also blessed to have Sherokee Ilse, the author of Empty Arms and international speaker on infant loss and her business partner, Tim Nelson, the owner of A Place to Remember with us on Friday and Saturday. They have co-written a book called Couple Communication After A Baby Dies - Differing Perspectives which we all received.

Paul and I spent much of Friday making a variety of crafts to remember our babies. (Paul, thanks for being such a real trooper, since crafting isn't your favorite activity.) These are the stones we made for Felicity and Jeremiah. We left them at the Bridge of Hope with the stones of all the other children who's parents have visited Faith's Lodge. It is such a heartbreakingly beautiful place.

We made a garden stone to remember Felicity.

Paul burned this piece of wood and I made an ankle bracelet with Felicity's name on it.

On Saturday, we had a long session with the other couples, Sherokee, and Tim. It was really emotional as we each told the in-depth story of our child's life and death. The time at Faith's Lodge is usually very unstructured to accommodate each family's needs. Our weekend was a special weekend paid for by First Candle, which is why Sherokee and Tim were there. (The Lodge usually asks that families donate $25/night, but does not turn anyone away if they can't afford to do so.) We were not required to participate in anything we didn't want to and that truly is the beauty of Faith's Lodge. Paul and I were able to build some relationships as well as retreat together to spend time alone.

I love how the lodge gives us so many opportunities to remember our children. We made so many things with Felicity and Jeremiah's names on them. There is also a journal in each suite where you can write your child's story. We never made it up to the full-size tepee they have out on one of the trails, but we were told we could take a marker with us and write on the walls of the tepee if we wanted.

On Sunday, Mother's Day, we left late morning. That morning it was "nice" though to be around other grieving moms and know that I wouldn't be the only one with tears in my eyes. The hardest thing though was knowing that we were the only one going home to living children. All the other couples had lost their first child. I can't imagine that pain.

This is a beautiful quilt we got to pick out and take home with us made by The Thimbleberries. What a beautiful remembrance of our babies and our time at Faith's Lodge. I've already ordered a quilt hanger for it, so we can hang in on the wall.

I can't say enough good things about Faith's Lodge. If you are a grieving parent I encourage you to check it out. They have schedules of who they take and when so that while you're there, you're in the company of other couples in similar circumstances. The only advice I'd give is to stay there as long as you can. We could have checked in on Tuesday and stayed through Sunday, but couldn't due to Paul's work schedule. We hope to go back to Faith's Lodge again in the future and know that we will be praying for this unique organization.