I don't often write about my divorce on my blog. It's not something that consumes much of my thoughts anymore, it's been over 7 years and in that time, God has made incredible beauty from ashes. Unfortunately though, my children will always be affected by my divorce.
Last Wednesday, my ex-husband (Ethan's biological dad) and his wife had a baby - Ethan's sister, Hope Elizabeth. I am happy for them and for Ethan, though sad for myself. Sad that Felicity isn't here too. Sad that Hope is now Ethan's only living sister.
We're delving into a whole new world, a world of siblings who will most likely only see each other once or twice a year (as is the pattern that has been established over the years since Ethan's dad lives 700 miles away). It's a world that brings confusion for Elijah - "why does Ethan have a new sister?" and someday for Caleb too. We've never used the terms "stepmom" and "stepdad." Paul is Ethan's daddy since he's been a part of Ethan's daily life since he was three. And we've never referred to Elijah, Felicity, and Caleb as Ethan's half-siblings (nor will we with Hope). But as the boys are getting older, they are asking more questions and answering them is more and more difficult.
We answer these questions truthfully, but they still don't totally understand. I want them to feel safe; that even though Ethan's dad divorced me, Paul and I will never get a divorce. The sins of the father (and mother) really do fall upon the children and the children's children. I don't want Ethan to feel like he had anything to do with our divorce.
All in all, I want them to grow up and make wise, godly choices. To live happy, fruitful lives. To honor God. But it's hard not to worry that our poor choices have already had a negative effect on their young lives and that it's only the beginning.
Paul and I pray daily over the boys. I know God is listening and I know He will protect them. It's just so obvious why God hates divorce. I wish more people understood that.
Happy New Year! Hope you all had a safe and happy celebration. I was asleep by 11pm. When you have little ones, sleep is its own celebration!
Random things have been swirling around my brain these days and I've felt the need to get them written down, almost as if writing them will release my brain from having to think about them.
We finally seem to be over the flu here. Elijah got it 4 days before Christmas and then Ethan two days later. We've never had vomiting children before, so it was a whole new ball game for Paul and I. We thought we were in the clear even though Paul and I felt "off" while the boys were sick, so we continued on with our Christmas celebration. Unfortunately I got it Christmas day night and then Paul the following night. So we've basically spent 10 of Paul's 17 days off, sick or recovering. Kind of a bummer, but we're trying to make the most of the rest of his time off.
Caleb will be ONE YEAR OLD in three short weeks! I'm happy and horrified at the same time. My baby is growing up. He's so animated and active, not a little baby anymore. Still don't think he'll be walking before he's one, but that's fine with me.
I normally set some New Year's Resolutions. This years are pretty simple: 1) be less critical of all my boys (Paul included). I need to let go of my expectations and appreciate their boyness more. They are not going to do things the way I would do them and I need to remind myself of that daily. 2) be more joyful - this kind of goes along with #1. I get so caught up in doing things my way and making sure everything's neat and tidy that I'm losing my joy and it affects those around me. I want to let go of my OCD tendencies and be joyful even if the house is a mess. And lastly 3) continue to lose weight. Since I started The 30 Shred in August, I've lost 15 lbs (6 of those were over the holidays because of the stomach flu!) and at least 5 inches off my waist. I know I've "lost" more than 15 lbs, but much of it's been converted to muscle which ways more than fat. I currently weigh less than I did before I got pregnant with Caleb, but I have more to lose. I'd like to get back to my pre-Felicity weight, before I get pregnant again! (BTW, I'm loving The 30 Day Shred - obviously I've been doing it for more than 30 days, but it's really shaping and toning my body like no other workout has done before. I highly recommend it!)
I guess that's it - seems like there was more swirling around in my head, but like most thoughts these day, I can't remember things for very long.
I'm wife to Paul and homeschool mama to our three boys. We also have a beautiful girl and two boys waiting for us in Heaven. I never thought my life experiences would include a divorce, stillbirth, and miscarriage. God's using these experiences to grow me if I let Him. I love my life, but I'm also anxious for Heaven and having my family all together there.