Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Even now I can't really spend the time to write much. The days fly by with all the chores that need to be accomplished. We're (read Paul) in the process of converting files from my near dead-laptop to another computer which has made it more interesting.
Caleb (now 10 months old) sure keeps me on my toes these days and sitting down to blog when he's awake is pretty much an exercise in futility. He's climbing along furniture a little now and is busy putting everything he can find in his mouth. Just the other day I pulled a box elder bug out of his mouth! Ew! It was the whole thing too. I'm not sure if it was alive when it went it, but it was dead when I pulled it out. We'll all be surprised if he's not walking before his birthday.
I don't feel like I have much time to process any complete thoughts these days either. Don't get me wrong though, I'm very content! I like the slower pace the winter weather brings to our home. It seems like not as much needs to be done, and we're able to enjoy just being together more. But with kids, life always seems to be hurried.
Felicity is still in my thoughts and heart, especially this holiday time. I remember so vividly the holidays of 2008, just weeks after her death, because that's about the time I think I was coming out of the fog and really starting to process her death. I envision her often in our lives, wondering how it would feel to have a little girl around in the midst of the all the testosterone. While the ache is duller, it's still hard not to think of what could've been.
So hopefully I'll have a real post soon. Blessings to you!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
7:00 am (approx.) - wake up and try to encourage Caleb to go back to sleep while nursing. A no go, so we get up. Ethan and Elijah are already awake and playing on their toy computers on the couch.
7:05 - After bathroom break for me, I make coffee! Coffee, COFFEE, COFFEE!!! (I like my morning joe!) While coffee is brewing I get out the vacuum and do the boys' room. I always vacuum before changing their sheets since I feel weird (hello OCD) piling their blankets on the floor when it might (probably) has dust particles and other-things-I-try-not-to-think-about on it.
7:15 - change Caleb, pour first cup of happiness, doctor it up with cream and stevia, and enjoy a little ray of sunshine before I've actually seen the sun.
At this point Elijah has already done some whining - first that he's hungry when he sees me working on their bedroom and then later when I begin his morning habit (toast with peanut butter and jelly) because he's NOT hungry yet (because he'd rather go downstairs.)
7:30 - boys eat, I begin stripping their bunk beds. (Note: while I am a bit OCD, I only change their sheets once a month typically because it is my least favorite job in the world. Ethan and I have finally got a routine down for putting the sheets on the top bunk and it's still a major pain!)
8:00 - I make our bed and try to keep Caleb from crawling into our bathroom repeatedly. He is so cute, even though he now knows how to push the door open. Do some random clean up in the kitchen and sit down at the computer to finish my coffee (which is quite cool by now). Caleb nurses multiple times during this period as it's tons of fun to nurse for 15 seconds, get down, then start fussing in 30 seconds because you want to nurse again. Love the little bugger!
8:30 - take the baby downstairs to write up Ethan's schoolwork for the day on the whiteboard. Start a load of laundry. Get the boys moving on their chores while I finish up the beds (took off Elijah's bed rail, hoping he can sleep the night w/o falling off and I can retire the bed rail to the closet for 9 months or so (until Caleb's in bed with Elijah). Ethan takes a shower and I bathe Elijah and Caleb. Normally this is an Tues./Sat. evening event that Paul handles, but we were gone on Tues. night and Wednesday night we had church.) I consider myself victorious that Elijah does not put up a fuss during hair washing!
9:20 - nurse Caleb to sleep, eat a hard-boiled egg for my breakfast, get Ethan going on school while Elijah plays and then I exercise (currently doing Workout 2 on The 30 Day Shred - love it and hate it!)
10:00 - shower and dress, Caleb wakes up at 10:30. Work on school with Ethan.
11:30 - decide to run our errands now (while the sun is still out, which makes me feel more energetic) versus later. Everyone gets ready and Elijah whines about his shoes being tight, not being able to find his hat, yada, yada, yada. Eat lunch in the car.
12:15 - arrive in Cambridge to go to the co-op, but first makes a quick run through the thrift store since they're in the same strip mall. Get groceries at the co-op, drive back to our town, return a shirt at the outlet mall, and stop at the consignment store to pick up a check for items sold ($13.00 - woohoo!)
2:08 - arrive home, baby sleeps in van while we unload and put away groceries. Baby wakes and requires immediate sustenance. Ethan and I do his social studies and math while baby nurses and Elijah plays.
3:00 - make a batch of granola, check emails while having a cup of coffee. Go downstairs with everyone and do spelling/handwriting together (Elijah joins us for this part of school - though he listens to most everything we do).
4:00 - plug our school activities into our Edu-track program and we celebrate the end of the day with a movie and snacks. (Paul was gone in CA so I didn't have to make a big dinner.) We ate leftovers while watching our movie.
7:00 - brush teeth, do devotions, and tuck the big boys in. Elijah is very concerned he's going to fall off the bed w/o a bed rail so I have to give him a pep talk. Caleb and I do our nighttime stuff (washing my face, changing into pjs, change his diaper).
7:40 - head downstairs to watch a video. Caleb falls asleep and I tuck him in. I eat a little leftover ice cream from our w/e bday celebrations while watching the movie, then do some ironing while the movie finishes.
10:00 - write this and continue to be amazed that Caleb's been sleeping for almost three hours w/o waking up.
10:40 - finish blogging and head to bed - homeschool co-op bright and early in the morning.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
You still love to nurse, but you are very distracted by all that's going on around you. You light up when Daddy arrives home from work or when your brothers play with you. You are definitely a boy - your playing involves lots of banging things, exploring, and moving.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Our entryway (looking down from the main floor) is quite small for a growing family of 5. If you're looking for a home to buy, I recommend a large entryway or at least one without stairs. Going up is our main level and going down is the walkout basement. I wanted a darker brown for the entryway because of dirty boys (big and little) coming in. Due to the lighting in this area, the color I used, tends to look a little a bit orange-y at times. Other than that, it serves its purpose well.
This is the view of the dining room from the kitchen. The hallway leads to the 3 upstairs bedrooms and the bathroom.
The kitchen is my favorite room in the house. Our apt. prior to moving had a little galley style kitchen, emphasis on little. Moving into our house was like moving into a mansion in some respects. I love the corner sink and windows, which looks out onto our property and the state land ~ very picturesque. Because of the vaulted ceilings and walls connecting one room to another, I had to decide to either paint everything one color throughout or split up the colors on some of the walls. I opted for the latter.
This is our master bath. I actually got this color from mixing two colors. I had picked out a color called "rice wine" for the hallway, which was a pale yellow color. Unfortunately though, it looked like puke green in our dark hallway so I had to repaint it a tan color. But I used the rice wine color and mixed it with the color I used in the downstairs bathroom and got this minty green color.
And lastly, this is our downstairs bathroom. Not much to say here. Obviously, there is much of the house I didn't include because it didn't get painted (or photographed in a clean state). This home tour was mostly about the color thing. In doing this I realized that photographing rooms is very difficult and I'm not good at it.
Thanks for visiting!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Caleb woke up at 6:22 am yesterday, so I was able to be up before the sun and also be up at the exact time that Felicity was born. It helped me feel more connected to her and to her birthday to be awake during that time and be able to sit and think about her.
We spent the morning decorating cupcakes and arranging flowers to be delivered to some special people later in the day.
It was then that Ethan noticed the visitor on our deck. This is something that has never happened before, so it was really special to have it happen on Felicity's Day. And I was able to get a picture.
I think he's a northern goshawk, but I'm not too proficient in hawk identification. He sat there for about five minutes after we noticed him and then he took to flight which was a beautiful sight!
After eating cupcakes, we left for our day of celebrating. First of, we stopped at the hospital that Felicity and I were transferred to. We had one special nurse that day and she was wonderfully compassionate to us in our grief. We had not been back to see her since though we spoke with her on a couple occasions after Felicity's death. She knew we were coming today, but it was still wonderful to see her, hug her, and bring her flowers and a gift.
She asked if I'd be willing to work on a sheet of resources for grieving families that they can include in the folders that are given out. I told her I'd be thrilled to do it and I am! If you can think of a book/website/resource that was helpful to you, please comment so I can include it.
Next we went to see our NILMDTS photographer. She did not know we were coming and so it was really neat to surprise her! She shared with me that she had just been viewing Felicity's photos because the day before she had done another session at the hospital. So heartbreaking to hear of another family going through such pain.
After our flower delivery surprises were complete we headed down to our favorite hiking place. After lunch drove to a scenic spot overlooking the St. Croix River. The colors were beautiful even if they were past their peak. While we were there we did this:
The balloons traveled almost straight up. What a glorious day it will be when those who have believed on Jesus rise up into the sky to meet Jesus.
After all that it was time for ice cream and pizza at Schoony's, our favorite restaurant in Taylor's Falls, MN. The celebration ended with a few minutes visiting Felicity's grave.
It was a good day, although not without tears. She will always be missed and loved! I am thankful though for the healing God has provided for our family in the past two years. We rest in His promises!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
My due date was September 28th, the day my parents returned home from their annual two week vacation. We all thought I'd have the baby while they were gone, though I really wanted my mom to be there for the birth. We tried a natural induction on the 30th of September which involved my midwife stripping my membranes, a castor oil smoothie (ew!), homeopathics, and some other things. Labor seemed to get going and then puttered out.
I remember spending our evenings watching "7th Street Theatre", which I had purchased for our anniversary. Several times while sitting there, I thought my water had started leaking, though it was all in my head. I remember the weather getting cold and only having one long sleeve shirt and one pair of pants to wear. At that point I thought I was going to be pregnant forever. (I was 41 wks and a day when she was born, even though both of my big boys had been born in the 39th week).
I remember taking a walk with my mom the night before Felicity was born. I waddled and groaned with each step. I think I even remembering shedding a few tears, thinking my very pregnant state was going to never end. The plan for the following day was to go with Paul to a midwife appointment and then spend the day together and de-stress by maybe going to a movie or something.
I remember the intensity of labor the following morning. I remember the shock and horror of birthing a purple baby and having her cord easily tear completely in half as the my midwife pulled her from the water of the birthing tub. I remember all the people who descended upon our home when Paul called 911. The cries and pleas we both uttered repeatedly as we were taken to the hospital via ambulance still ring in my ears.
I remember how when they moved Felicity back and forth from our room in the hospital, they covered her up so that no other patients would see her and be scared because she was obviously dead. I remember forcing myself to eat a ham and cheese sandwich for lunch at the hospital, while gasping for breath because of all the crying I'd done.
I remember coming home, but to be honest the days to follow are a blur. I can't remember if I ate regular meals, slept all the time, or sat practically comatose on the couch. I remember my inability to go downstairs where Felicity had been born for the first week or so. I remember googling "stillbirth" and "true knots" and reading everything I could find.
I remember my mom and my aunt laboring to create a bulletin for Felicity's memorial service and me saying that it wasn't really necessary. It turned out amazing and it's one of my favorite things about her service. I remember going to hold and comfort Ethan as he broke down in anguished sobs when we watched the NILMDTS video of our photo session for the first time.
I remember my intense need to be hugged by everyone at the memorial service. The physical contact seemed like the only thing holding me up. I remember Paul carrying Felicity's casket at the end of the memorial service out to the cemetery.
I remember all these things and many more. They are not easy memories, but I cling to them because they are all I have.
Despite not having Felicity here, I am looking forward to her birthday. Paul gave me the greatest gift a few weeks ago by announcing he's taking the day off so we can be together as a family. Knowing that has given me the strength to do some planning. I look forward to sharing Felicity's day with you soon!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It's a disease now as I pretty much can't stop. I even have a really bad idea to try a mix a leftover color with a color that did not get used because according to my 8 year old it looked like I was painting the hallway "puke green." So anywho, I think mixing the two might be just the ticket. Someone please talk me out of this quickly!
The plan is to be done this weekend though I won't be done done until I can find a new duvet for our bedroom and then paint our bedroom. I'm still not sure how I feel about the kitchen color. I was going for a sage green which the paint sample "minted lemon" looked perfect. On the way to get it I got a little concerned that it might be too yellow. I needn't have fear. It is definitely green. Very minty green. It's a little like pepto-bismol pink....only green.
Once it's all done, I'm going to take you on a tour of my home. Hopefully I can use our camera well enough to capture the true essence of the colors. That way you can tell me whether I'm done or whether the
In other news -Caleb turned EIGHT months old yesterday! I felt his first tooth just a couple of days ago. He is still a peach!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Caleb has been crawling for about a week! He is now over 7 months old and I've never had a baby so mobile at this age, so it's been fun and crazy. We love him to pieces!
So we've been busy, especially considering we also started school. I'm still reading your blog posts, but haven't been doing much commenting because of time.