Wednesday, June 5, 2013


My body finally released Baby #6 on Monday after waiting almost two weeks since we got that news that he (my feeling) did not have a heartbeat.  It was providential actually.  After mourning his death for more than a week, I went to see an OB/GYN who would be able to do a D&C if that's the path we chose.  I did not want surgery, but was afraid and overwhelmed by the idea of waiting for weeks for my body to let go.

The doctor gave me a prescription for misoprostal, which I planned to take on Saturday night before bed.  But on Saturday morning, I felt a small pop and then began to leak fluid all day along with some spotting.  Cramping amped up on Sunday with more spotting and then I awoke at about 5 am Monday morning and said to Paul, "This is it." as I hurried to the bathroom.

For about 5 hours I lost a lot of blood and clots and the baby.  (One thing I hoped to do with a miscarriage at home is bury my baby, but due to the amount of blood, I was not able to find him.)  Sorry if that's too much info.  I wanted to share this experience in all it's grittiness as I don't think people understand what an actual miscarriage is like.  I think the general assumption is that you just start to bleed, like a period, sometimes knowing beforehand that the baby has died.  This is infrequently the case.  I had actual labor pains during those 5 hours.  I passed so much blood so quickly that I passed out once and each time I went to the bathroom, Paul had to kneel on the floor in front of the toilet so I could I lean on him to prevent myself from blacking out again.  He'd help me clean up and then support me the 10 feet or so back to the bed or in the beginning, the floor next to the bed, because I couldn't even get to the bed.  It was awful.  I can attest to it being harder the farther along you are.  Full-term labor is easier.  And I'm not even counting the emotional part.  I did not have any strength to even think about how I felt emotionally during it all. 

I was incredibly weak all day and in the afternoon, I passed the placenta. By that time I'd had some time to think about how I was feeling emotionally.  Believe it or not, I watched "What to Expect While You're Expecting" in bed that morning after the labor pains had passed.  Paul had checked it out from the library right before we found out this baby had died.  Then we got the news and I said, "I can't watch that."  But after awhile of thinking about it, I felt like I HAD to watch it.  I wanted to mock it, to be able to be offended at Hollywood for making yet another pregnancy movie that was unrealistic and stupid.  To mock the fact that they had chosen model looking actresses to play pregnant women when they'd never experienced pregnancy in real life.  BUT, I was surprised.  Yes, it was cheesy and unrealistic in parts, but in other parts is was shockingly real.  One character has a later miscarriage, one character can't get pregnant and pursues adoption.  One of the characters struggles through all the physical and emotional aspects of pregnancy despite being an "expert" on all things pregnancy and baby related.  One of the actresses struggled in real life to get pregnant and ended up having to use a surrogate.  I laughed and I cried and it helped. 

My mom was here with us, during it all.  That was helpful.  She served me food - making me the most delicious beef roast, which helped me so much after all that blood loss.  She added an element that I think all women need during times like these.  Paul was so supportive, but my mom knew what I needed when at times I didn't know myself.  She's continues to grieve her sister's unexpected death almost 7 months ago, and she grieved for this baby with me.  I am so thankful I have her in my life.

Now, I'm trying to remember how happy I was before this baby existed.  I was content and I had accepted that we were "done." I am struggling with that now.  For me, there's nothing like the joy of a new baby.  I was so looking forward to a newborn and nursing again.  But my "baby" is almost 3.5 yrs old and I don't think I could emotionally handle another potentially difficult pregnancy or miscarriage - it's just so devastating. We won't do anything permanent or hormonal to keep from getting pregnant, just use NFP, so it's still in the hands of God.  I know He can heal my wounded spirit and give me back a joyful faith and I'm fully expecting that to happen, but for awhile, I will grieve.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Three and Three

Much has happened in the past 6 months.  But what's bringing me back to blogging, is the thing that fueled my blogging spirit for so many years....grief.

In March, Paul and I were able to take a short, but wonderful second honeymoon.  A few weeks after we returned home, on the cusp of our family recovering from the stomach flu, we found out I was expecting a baby.  Baby #6.  We always count our heavenly babies too. 

Within days, I was sick and tired and it began to feel very real.  At 6 weeks I began progesterone injections.  Caleb began asking daily when the baby would come out and play with him.  At just over 7 weeks, I saw our sweet baby via ultrasound, heartbeat strong and healthy.  At 8 weeks, I'd already been to Maternal Fetal Medicine to discuss the pregnancy.  My antibodies were low this time around (1:4) and there was hope this baby would not need the same intense monitoring that Caleb needed. 

Then yesterday at my regular doctor's appt., she couldn't find baby's heartbeat.  I was 10 weeks 3 days.  So she sent me off to get an ultrasound.  At the ultrasound, it was very obvious that baby's heart was not beating. 

So grief.  It's my companion again.  I do feel better today after being incredibly sad and crying tons yesterday.  Maybe that's acceptance after the shock and disbelief of yesterday.  May it's just today and tomorrow will be difficult again. 

To complicate all the emotional stuff, we have to decide how to let things proceed.  I'm not even spotting yet, so it could take awhile if we let things happen naturally.  That's my preference.  I'm not thrilled with waiting too long, but I'm not thrilled with the thought of having a D&C either.  So for awhile - a week maybe - the plan is to wait.  Many people are praying for us  which is helpful.  This verse was part of our devotions last night: Isaiah 49:15-16 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she not have compassion on the son of her womb?  yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.  Behold I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

So now I have three children on earth and three children in Heaven.