Wednesday, March 3, 2010

One in my Arms, Two in my Heart

Thoughts and emotions have been swirling around me for many days, I just haven't had the time, energy, or words to blog about the way I'm feeling.

My big boys are at Gramma's today, so I finally feel like I'm able to write it out.

My heart is so full of love for this new little life we've been entrusted with. Every day, I'm overcome by the love I have for Caleb. And from this love, stems greater love for Ethan and Elijah too. I'm so thankful for my little men!

But I'm always remembering Felicity and Jeremiah and missing them. I'll be honest, because Jeremiah was miscarried so early, I don't quite know how to visualize what I'm missing. But with Felicity, I have a face, and pictures, and the memory of the weight of her in my arms.

When I took Caleb to the doctor last week for his one month appointment, he weighed 9lbs. 12.3 oz. and though I could tell he'd grown a lot, I couldn't believe he still wasn't as big as Felicity was at birth (9.15) I see little girls everywhere and am always comparing them to Felicity - whether she'd be bigger or smaller, more active or more talkative. It's so hard not knowing what she would've been like. I have to remind myself sometimes in my grief, that she is LIVING and WHOLE and PERFECT in Heaven, even if I can't see her....yet!

Today I was finally able to put words to why I have this overwhelming love for Caleb and all his cute baby-ness. It's because I'm not just holding him, I'm holding Felicity too. When I nurse him, it's the closest I get to nursing her. When I change Caleb's diaper and coo at him while he's on the changing table, in a way I'm interacting with Felicity too. I didn't get to do any of those things with her, and so I'm overcome with the emotions I have when I do them with Caleb. I'm loving two babies when I kiss him and snuggle him up close.

I wonder how these feelings will change over time. Will it always feel this intense?

7 comments:

Heidi said...

Yes.

That's about all I have to say on that topic.

:)

Ebe said...

I've been thinking about you and know that there must be so much on your heart. I'm glad you blogged this. It is comforting to hear and be reminded that Owen will continue to be fore front in my mind as I move into a different kind of mommy-hood with Hannah. I don't want to leave him behind.

Remembering Felicity with you.

love,
ebe

Molly Koop said...

Beautiful post, Rachel. What a gift to be able to love Caleb in such an intense way. I've been struggling lately, but I can't quite put my finger on it. I can say one thing for sure, though, I won't be able to put this new baby down once he or she arrives.

Carolina said...

Rachel,

After losing Andrew, and getting pregnant with Jack 6 months later I had those same emotions the first couple of months. I would be busy taking care of Jack- changing his diaper, nursing him, but as soon as I laid down in bed and closed my eyes all I could see was Jack. It was overwhelming, but it only happened during those first 3 months. It does get easier.

I still think about Andrew often but not with the sadness I used to feel. I remember him always but in a different way than I used to. the overwhelming emotions aren't there right now, not to say they will not resurface again, I believe they probably will.

Hope this helps. So glad you blogged, I have missed reading about you!

Carolina

Sara said...

Rachel,
I can only imagine all of those feelings that you must feel... I did wonder about it. You put it into words beautifully. There were times after Samuel died that I would snuggle with Jojo in a different way, almost like I would smell his hair and wonder what it would have been like with Samuel. It sounds strange, but I understand. Thanks for sharing Rachel... Praying for you!
Sara

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the update. I too felt that I was loving both of them in my little Seth. Now that he is almost 3, I find that I am missing her more when I spend one on one time with Lydia. I baked cookie with her today and my heart was so filled with sadness. Sad that I can't bake with both my girls. Sad that Lydia still colors pictures for the sister she never knew. I am thankful for Lydia but feel a little guilty that at the same time I am missing Hannah. It is more difficult because Hannah's birthday is coming up. I am so glad we have the comfort of knowing our sweet babies are with Jesus! We can grieve with Hope...but indeed we are still grieving.

Dina

Missy said...

Oh Rachel I am praying for you. I fear this too when Vivian gets here. I am so fearful that I won't be able to look at Vivian without thinking of Landon too. Thank you for sharing this. Even though Vivian is not here yet, they are feelings I know I will probably feel. God bless and Love ya!
Missy