Thoughts and emotions have been swirling around me for many days, I just haven't had the time, energy, or words to blog about the way I'm feeling.
My big boys are at Gramma's today, so I finally feel like I'm able to write it out.
My heart is so full of love for this new little life we've been entrusted with. Every day, I'm overcome by the love I have for Caleb. And from this love, stems greater love for Ethan and Elijah too. I'm so thankful for my little men!
But I'm always remembering Felicity and Jeremiah and missing them. I'll be honest, because Jeremiah was miscarried so early, I don't quite know how to visualize what I'm missing. But with Felicity, I have a face, and pictures, and the memory of the weight of her in my arms.
When I took Caleb to the doctor last week for his one month appointment, he weighed 9lbs. 12.3 oz. and though I could tell he'd grown a lot, I couldn't believe he still wasn't as big as Felicity was at birth (9.15) I see little girls everywhere and am always comparing them to Felicity - whether she'd be bigger or smaller, more active or more talkative. It's so hard not knowing what she would've been like. I have to remind myself sometimes in my grief, that she is LIVING and WHOLE and PERFECT in Heaven, even if I can't see her....yet!
Today I was finally able to put words to why I have this overwhelming love for Caleb and all his cute baby-ness. It's because I'm not just holding him, I'm holding Felicity too. When I nurse him, it's the closest I get to nursing her. When I change Caleb's diaper and coo at him while he's on the changing table, in a way I'm interacting with Felicity too. I didn't get to do any of those things with her, and so I'm overcome with the emotions I have when I do them with Caleb. I'm loving two babies when I kiss him and snuggle him up close.
I wonder how these feelings will change over time. Will it always feel this intense?