Almost 3 Years

Fall is in the air and I love it! It's always been my favorite season and I don't mind leaving the heat and humidity behind. We've had some cool days here and most every night has cooled off wonderfully. Despite my love of sandals and no-socks, I love the idea of layers of clothing and the crispness in the air.

Felicity is always especially present in my mind as fall approaches. I can hardly believe it's been almost three years. October 6th is just around the corner. We haven't planned anything special for the day - I think Paul is working, but I'm sure my mom will come up and I think we'll do something fun with her. Caleb will be 20 months old and that blows my mind too. He's at the age, where I'm contemplating being pregnant again. (Pregnancy isn't as simple as it used to be for me because of all the potential monitoring due to the antibody isoimmunization). So the thought of Felicity being 3 is mind-boggling. I imagine her with bouncy brown curls and wearing dresses. With two older brothers, I'm sure she'd be active and inquisitive. Oh, how I miss her presence in our family. I wonder what it would be like not being the only female in the house. How it would feel to have a little shadow. How it would feel to not have the shadow of stillbirth lingering over us. We were so naive before, though not necessarily in a bad way. We lived in a world that while we believe is full of death because of sin, we had just not experienced it in a personal way.

As I busily can tomatoes, freeze green beans, and deal with all the other garden harvest, I've had many hours to think about Felicity. I don't have to think about the pain anymore, I just want to think about her. My memories of her are being clouded by the years. If only we had more time with her, more memories to sustain us.

If only.