Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Three and Three

Much has happened in the past 6 months.  But what's bringing me back to blogging, is the thing that fueled my blogging spirit for so many years....grief.

In March, Paul and I were able to take a short, but wonderful second honeymoon.  A few weeks after we returned home, on the cusp of our family recovering from the stomach flu, we found out I was expecting a baby.  Baby #6.  We always count our heavenly babies too. 

Within days, I was sick and tired and it began to feel very real.  At 6 weeks I began progesterone injections.  Caleb began asking daily when the baby would come out and play with him.  At just over 7 weeks, I saw our sweet baby via ultrasound, heartbeat strong and healthy.  At 8 weeks, I'd already been to Maternal Fetal Medicine to discuss the pregnancy.  My antibodies were low this time around (1:4) and there was hope this baby would not need the same intense monitoring that Caleb needed. 

Then yesterday at my regular doctor's appt., she couldn't find baby's heartbeat.  I was 10 weeks 3 days.  So she sent me off to get an ultrasound.  At the ultrasound, it was very obvious that baby's heart was not beating. 

So grief.  It's my companion again.  I do feel better today after being incredibly sad and crying tons yesterday.  Maybe that's acceptance after the shock and disbelief of yesterday.  May it's just today and tomorrow will be difficult again. 

To complicate all the emotional stuff, we have to decide how to let things proceed.  I'm not even spotting yet, so it could take awhile if we let things happen naturally.  That's my preference.  I'm not thrilled with waiting too long, but I'm not thrilled with the thought of having a D&C either.  So for awhile - a week maybe - the plan is to wait.  Many people are praying for us  which is helpful.  This verse was part of our devotions last night: Isaiah 49:15-16 Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she not have compassion on the son of her womb?  yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.  Behold I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

So now I have three children on earth and three children in Heaven.


Anonymous said...

Rachel - I'm sorry to read about Baby #6. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

Navigating the Mothership said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace as you grieve.

Ebe said...

Rachel, I'm so sorry. I have three in Heaven too. (((big hugs))) friend.

Amy Shattuck said...

Three in heaven for me, too. I remember our last loss as the Ultrasound Tech looked for the heartbeat. I found myself very irritated with HER for not being able to find it. I figured she needed to be able to do her job better. She just needed to look at the right angle, look at the right spot - and it would be THERE, just as it had been when I'd first seen it! As I left the clinic that day, I knew in my HEART that baby was gone (a little girl, Ava Angelise) but wasn't ready to accept it. It took until the baby was really on her way out that I could accept it as true. (((Hugs))) to you, Rachel.