Wednesday, June 5, 2013


My body finally released Baby #6 on Monday after waiting almost two weeks since we got that news that he (my feeling) did not have a heartbeat.  It was providential actually.  After mourning his death for more than a week, I went to see an OB/GYN who would be able to do a D&C if that's the path we chose.  I did not want surgery, but was afraid and overwhelmed by the idea of waiting for weeks for my body to let go.

The doctor gave me a prescription for misoprostal, which I planned to take on Saturday night before bed.  But on Saturday morning, I felt a small pop and then began to leak fluid all day along with some spotting.  Cramping amped up on Sunday with more spotting and then I awoke at about 5 am Monday morning and said to Paul, "This is it." as I hurried to the bathroom.

For about 5 hours I lost a lot of blood and clots and the baby.  (One thing I hoped to do with a miscarriage at home is bury my baby, but due to the amount of blood, I was not able to find him.)  Sorry if that's too much info.  I wanted to share this experience in all it's grittiness as I don't think people understand what an actual miscarriage is like.  I think the general assumption is that you just start to bleed, like a period, sometimes knowing beforehand that the baby has died.  This is infrequently the case.  I had actual labor pains during those 5 hours.  I passed so much blood so quickly that I passed out once and each time I went to the bathroom, Paul had to kneel on the floor in front of the toilet so I could I lean on him to prevent myself from blacking out again.  He'd help me clean up and then support me the 10 feet or so back to the bed or in the beginning, the floor next to the bed, because I couldn't even get to the bed.  It was awful.  I can attest to it being harder the farther along you are.  Full-term labor is easier.  And I'm not even counting the emotional part.  I did not have any strength to even think about how I felt emotionally during it all. 

I was incredibly weak all day and in the afternoon, I passed the placenta. By that time I'd had some time to think about how I was feeling emotionally.  Believe it or not, I watched "What to Expect While You're Expecting" in bed that morning after the labor pains had passed.  Paul had checked it out from the library right before we found out this baby had died.  Then we got the news and I said, "I can't watch that."  But after awhile of thinking about it, I felt like I HAD to watch it.  I wanted to mock it, to be able to be offended at Hollywood for making yet another pregnancy movie that was unrealistic and stupid.  To mock the fact that they had chosen model looking actresses to play pregnant women when they'd never experienced pregnancy in real life.  BUT, I was surprised.  Yes, it was cheesy and unrealistic in parts, but in other parts is was shockingly real.  One character has a later miscarriage, one character can't get pregnant and pursues adoption.  One of the characters struggles through all the physical and emotional aspects of pregnancy despite being an "expert" on all things pregnancy and baby related.  One of the actresses struggled in real life to get pregnant and ended up having to use a surrogate.  I laughed and I cried and it helped. 

My mom was here with us, during it all.  That was helpful.  She served me food - making me the most delicious beef roast, which helped me so much after all that blood loss.  She added an element that I think all women need during times like these.  Paul was so supportive, but my mom knew what I needed when at times I didn't know myself.  She's continues to grieve her sister's unexpected death almost 7 months ago, and she grieved for this baby with me.  I am so thankful I have her in my life.

Now, I'm trying to remember how happy I was before this baby existed.  I was content and I had accepted that we were "done." I am struggling with that now.  For me, there's nothing like the joy of a new baby.  I was so looking forward to a newborn and nursing again.  But my "baby" is almost 3.5 yrs old and I don't think I could emotionally handle another potentially difficult pregnancy or miscarriage - it's just so devastating. We won't do anything permanent or hormonal to keep from getting pregnant, just use NFP, so it's still in the hands of God.  I know He can heal my wounded spirit and give me back a joyful faith and I'm fully expecting that to happen, but for awhile, I will grieve.


Navigating the Mothership said...

Still thinking of you as you grieve. I'm glad you had your mother's support during this. She sounds like a wonderful person.

Anonymous said...

Re-reading your posts and crying. I still miss Felicity too (and the other grandbabies) and recently tried updating Felicity's findagrave post. I love you so much, Rachel, and am so sad that you had to have these experiences. But God is still good, as we can testify to as we watch your boys grow and mature. It will be exciting to see where their paths take them, and God-willing, they will grow in Christ and be a testimony to the good parenting you and Paul have given them. To God be the glory! Love, Mom