View From the Inside

Lately, say in the past month or so, I've noticed grief creeping up on me. Two and half years of missing Felicity is approaching. So that's part of the reason why. Another part is Caleb is growing so quickly and has moved from babyhood to toddlerhood. Also the baby boom happening around me again, which I mentioned a few posts back.

There's more to it though. Can't always put my finger on it. Winter is almost over and the sun is out just about every day, yet I'm feeling gloomy on occasion. This might be TMI for some readers, but maybe my cycles are on the verge of returning. Who knows?

I don't think my grief is very apparent to those around me. I just mentioned to Paul today that I feel a little depressed. And depressed for me is not as bad as it is for others, I know. Looking from the outside, I tend to retreat in a little, not smile as much, and am snappier at those around me. But other than that, I don't think the men in my life are very aware of how I'm feeling.

I got contacted by a gal on FB who had read Felicity's story and who also had a stillborn baby at home and she's also has little c antibodies. Our circumstances are very different, but since becoming her friend, I've been exposed to a whole internet world of anti-homebirth sites/blogs/etc.

I don't question my homebirth, I don't blame my very competent midwife, and I don't think Felicity would've been born alive if I had gone straight to the hospital once labor began. But reading all this stuff I've come across, hasn't made the thought of another baby being born at home an easy idea to think about. While I still advocate for homebirth freedom (not because it's good experience, but because in most low-risk situations I feel it's safest for baby!), I think I've become a person who's just all about having a baby who's born alive. Maybe I was too firm in my opinions before? Maybe I was too judgmental of others who made different choices in birth than me? I do know I often pray for humility - my choices don't make me better than other people.

Anyway, I'm feeling introspective these days. I'm trying to remember Felicity, but also trying to not think of what-ifs. Caleb is here for a reason and to wish Felicity here, seems in my mind, to wish Caleb away, even if it's not intentional.

Things That Make Me Smile

Copying from my friend's Julie's blog, I thought I'd share a list of things that have made me smile lately.

~Watching "Mary Poppins" with the boys this afternoon and watching Elijah's reactions since this was his first time.


~Caleb's toothy grin and wobbly walk and especially the happy noises he makes when I sit down in our "nursing spot."
~The transformation of our bedroom - this has been an ongoing process. It's one of only two rooms I didn't paint last fall because I wanted to get a new duvet cover first. Well the new duvet cover's been on for awhile, I think I have a paint color picked out (2 actually, as one wall will be an accent color), and we have NEW bedroom furniture arriving in a couple of weeks. This was a long process. What originally was going to be a head board and maybe a dresser is going to be a complete bed, dresser, mirror and nightstand! Can't wait for it to be delivered and set up. Then once the weather is warm enough to have windows open, painting can begin. When the project is done, I will share more before and after photos.

~Fresh haircuts for all the boys - which means I don't have to cut them for another 6 weeks or so.

~Caleb's repetitive "uh-oh" whenever he drops something

~Ethan's sign in the downstairs bathroom - he set up a pet store in our downstairs bar area. He's had Elijah assisting him. Last night I went into the bathroom and when I turned on the light I saw the sign Ethan made. It reads, "All employees must wash their hands before returning to work. Thank you. Manager." It made me laugh out loud. Especially since reminding Elijah to wash his hands IS a good idea, except Elijah can't read.

~Caleb holding his hand up to his ear and saying "hi" every time he hears the phone ring. Also he says "ow" whenever he sees an animal - real, stuffed, or a photo.

~Elijah's burgeoning sense of humor.

~Paul's acceptance of my desire to redecorate our bedroom as long as there are no decorative pillows added to the bed (oh, the horror!). He switched the office's overhead light fixture with our bedroom one - a job that looked a lot easier (from my vantage point) than it actually was. My contribution to the task: getting the ladder out and setting it up in the office.

~Spring is in the air - it's still below freezing outside with lots of snow yet to melt, but our dirt road and driveway are mud pits which gives me hope....and annoys me all to no end.

~new washcloth colors!

~new blog discoveries: Reagan's Blob, Young House Love, Tales of Me and the Husband, City Wife, Country Life

~The thought of being able to hang cloth diapers on the clothes line again.

~The thought of Sara holding new baby Levi in just a few short days!

~Ethan winning 1st place for speed at the AWANA grand prix a couple weeks ago. He won every heat and got the track record as well.

~Finally owning Caleb free and clear!

~Working out and the result: my arms are starting to look like Jillian's - wish the rest of my body was showing more change. But I do feel different, have more energy, and am definitely noticing my muscles growing.

~Sunshine!

Delinquent

I am such a delinquent blogger. I blame it on Caleb and his ability to open all kitchen and bathroom cabinets. Not to mention yesterday he accidentally realized he can open the oven as well. So all my "blogging time" has been spent cleaning up his messes and trying to stop him from making more. If he wasn't so darn cute and cuddly, I'd probably be just a little bit nutty by now.

Right now I'm sitting on the couch and Caleb's standing at my feet, alternately blabbering at me happily and playing peek-a-boo with me around the laptop screen. Oh, and did I mention he's walking? He's not an expert yet, but it's so fun to watch him learn and watch the big boys get excited over it.

My baby's growing up! (insert sad face here) I know I promised myself I'd enjoy him like he was my last, but at this point, I'm already feeling the infant itch. It's the pregnant part I'm not looking forward too. And all the potential issues we could face with another baby, if he/she has the little c antigen.

There's another mini baby boom happening around me. I have to admit it's hard to see friends be pregnant and have babies easily. There's nothing easy about having a baby after losing one through stillbirth regardless of how many healthy babies you have. Because things went so smooth with Caleb and the antibody isoimmunisation issue, I wonder if it won't be much harder with the next baby. When I start to think that way, I have to remind myself who's in control. And that there's also a 50% chance of a completely "normal" pregnancy if the next baby does not have the antigen.

In the meantime, I'm trying to soak in every precious baby moment with Caleb. He is still a baby. He's still nursing and dependent on me for so much. I love being his mommy.

Running Late

Sunday mornings tend to get a little crazy around here. This last year our church went to one service which starts at 9am. That may not seem early to some of you, but for us, it is. And our children don't even sleep in! But 2 adults showering, Paul having to shave, breakfast, nursing the baby, hair and makeup for me (which only takes about 30 minutes and includes me blow-drying my very thick hair), and getting dressed takes enough time that we're usually arriving at church without a minute to spare.

I HATE walking into church late. It doesn't bother me when others walk in late though. Anyhoo, this morning at the last minute, I ended up staying home with Caleb. We couldn't find his shoes despite searching every possible place and it was already so late. I was bummed. After Paul and the boys left, I sat on the couch nursing Caleb and feeling sorry for myself. Normally, I allow my feelings of self-pity to just take over. But this morning, I said no! I prayed and asked God to change my perspective and attitude.

I snuggled Caleb and he fell asleep. Normally he doesn't fall asleep on Sundays until after we've arrived home (around 11:30). He's getting more teeth at the moment though.

When these little things happen, I often struggle with a poor-me attitude. Just ask my husband. After I get over myself, I am so ashamed and wonder how I could ever feel that way. I have SO MUCH! And why? I am no better than anyone else and yet, me and my family have been so richly blessed. It saddens me to think of how people suffer around the world. And here I am, feeling blue over a little inconvenience.

So I going to be memorizing this verse this week. It's one I already know, but I need to know it well enough to rattle it off whenever I start feeling sorry for myself.

(For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; II Corinthians 10:4-5

And guess what? I found Caleb's shoes right after Paul and the boys left - they were pushed down into the couch cushion. I need to remember that the next time I can't find them.

Happy 1st Birthday Caleb

We can't believe our baby is one! We are so thankful for his presence in our family and for the One who saw fit to bless us with Caleb.

CALEB

"Faithfulness"

For thou art my rock and my fortress
therefore for thy name's sake lead me, and guide me.

Psalm 31:3

The Sins of the Father

I don't often write about my divorce on my blog. It's not something that consumes much of my thoughts anymore, it's been over 7 years and in that time, God has made incredible beauty from ashes. Unfortunately though, my children will always be affected by my divorce.

Last Wednesday, my ex-husband (Ethan's biological dad) and his wife had a baby - Ethan's sister, Hope Elizabeth. I am happy for them and for Ethan, though sad for myself. Sad that Felicity isn't here too. Sad that Hope is now Ethan's only living sister.

We're delving into a whole new world, a world of siblings who will most likely only see each other once or twice a year (as is the pattern that has been established over the years since Ethan's dad lives 700 miles away). It's a world that brings confusion for Elijah - "why does Ethan have a new sister?" and someday for Caleb too. We've never used the terms "stepmom" and "stepdad." Paul is Ethan's daddy since he's been a part of Ethan's daily life since he was three. And we've never referred to Elijah, Felicity, and Caleb as Ethan's half-siblings (nor will we with Hope). But as the boys are getting older, they are asking more questions and answering them is more and more difficult.

We answer these questions truthfully, but they still don't totally understand. I want them to feel safe; that even though Ethan's dad divorced me, Paul and I will never get a divorce. The sins of the father (and mother) really do fall upon the children and the children's children. I don't want Ethan to feel like he had anything to do with our divorce.

All in all, I want them to grow up and make wise, godly choices. To live happy, fruitful lives. To honor God. But it's hard not to worry that our poor choices have already had a negative effect on their young lives and that it's only the beginning.

Paul and I pray daily over the boys. I know God is listening and I know He will protect them. It's just so obvious why God hates divorce. I wish more people understood that.

This and That

Happy New Year! Hope you all had a safe and happy celebration. I was asleep by 11pm. When you have little ones, sleep is its own celebration!

Random things have been swirling around my brain these days and I've felt the need to get them written down, almost as if writing them will release my brain from having to think about them.

We finally seem to be over the flu here. Elijah got it 4 days before Christmas and then Ethan two days later. We've never had vomiting children before, so it was a whole new ball game for Paul and I. We thought we were in the clear even though Paul and I felt "off" while the boys were sick, so we continued on with our Christmas celebration. Unfortunately I got it Christmas day night and then Paul the following night. So we've basically spent 10 of Paul's 17 days off, sick or recovering. Kind of a bummer, but we're trying to make the most of the rest of his time off.

Caleb will be ONE YEAR OLD in three short weeks! I'm happy and horrified at the same time. My baby is growing up. He's so animated and active, not a little baby anymore. Still don't think he'll be walking before he's one, but that's fine with me.

I normally set some New Year's Resolutions. This years are pretty simple: 1) be less critical of all my boys (Paul included). I need to let go of my expectations and appreciate their boyness more. They are not going to do things the way I would do them and I need to remind myself of that daily. 2) be more joyful - this kind of goes along with #1. I get so caught up in doing things my way and making sure everything's neat and tidy that I'm losing my joy and it affects those around me. I want to let go of my OCD tendencies and be joyful even if the house is a mess. And lastly 3) continue to lose weight. Since I started The 30 Shred in August, I've lost 15 lbs (6 of those were over the holidays because of the stomach flu!) and at least 5 inches off my waist. I know I've "lost" more than 15 lbs, but much of it's been converted to muscle which ways more than fat. I currently weigh less than I did before I got pregnant with Caleb, but I have more to lose. I'd like to get back to my pre-Felicity weight, before I get pregnant again! (BTW, I'm loving The 30 Day Shred - obviously I've been doing it for more than 30 days, but it's really shaping and toning my body like no other workout has done before. I highly recommend it!)

I guess that's it - seems like there was more swirling around in my head, but like most thoughts these day, I can't remember things for very long.

Many blessing to you for 2011!