Sunday, June 20, 2010

Grief After A Rainbow Baby Arrives

It's pretty unusual for me to be up this late - 11pm - blogging. We just got done watching a movie and I should be hittin' the hay, but thought I try to pound out a quick post.

I remember 18 months ago, I was ALWAYS up late, reading baby loss blogs and blogging myself. Those late hours were my sanity in my very insane world. Felicity's death consumed me during that time. Though my children were fed, clothed, schooled, and the house was decent, I wasn't really all there. My grieving mama friend Sara just wrote about this too. I spent pretty much each waking hour dreaming of a baby who wasn't in my arms and thinking about getting pregnant again.

Well, here I am. My "Rainbow baby" will be 5 months on Tuesday. He is so sweet! We love him deeply. So how am I doing with my grief these days? I guess if you could watch my life in real time for a week, I'd look pretty normal to you. No crying spells or depression though I struggle with the things every mom struggles with: training my children, getting the laundry washed, folded, and put away, and getting dinner made. All normal things.

I miss Felicity like crazy, of course and I think about her every day. But these days I'm not consumed by it any more. It's a relief really, to be able to embrace the present, rather than dreaming of the past or wishing the future would come more quickly. I love taking care of Caleb in all his sweet 5 month old chubbiness. (I'll post some pictures this week, hopefully!) And I'm busy keeping up with my big boys and trying to be intentional with them in everything we do.

I don't spend my time searching for baby loss blogs anymore, though when I do come across them, I ALWAYS have to read about their baby loss. I feel a kinship with anyone who's walked this road. I can meet someone, in real life or online and instantly feel connected to them when I know we're both on a grief journey. There's so much comfort in knowing you're not alone. And it is a journey, one that won't be complete until Heaven.

So I'm living life, enjoying life, though always longing for Heaven. For now, I'm content and at peace. God is good, all the time and for that, I'm so very thankful.


Persuaded said...

I have been wondering how having your newest little bundle would affect the grieving process/experience. On the one hand there is so much joy in a baby that one could hardly help but being joyful. On the other hand... one could hardly "forget" the little lost one♥ I am so pleased that you are doing well.... I think of you often even though I don't comment so much;-)

Molly Koop said...

Thanks for sharing from your heart. I distinctly remember encounters I've had with other mothers who have had losses, some many, many years ago. The pain is still there. There was an 80 year-old man who shared with tears about loosing his son sixty years ago. While it can be overwhelming to think about grieving the rest of my life, I also think there's something beautiful about it. We never forget. I remember saying to one mom, whose loss was sixteen years prior, within weeks of Henry's death, "It will never go away, will it?" So, our grief changes and resurfaces with the ebb and flow of life, but I would rather it remained with me forever, painful as it is, than forget.

Carolina said...

Rachel- I'm so glad you shared about this, I feel the same way- not so consumed by the loss anymore. After I lost Andrew, when I was pregnant, and those first few months I would say I was consumed by it 75% of the time. Now I would say even though I think about him everyday I am joyful and thankful 90% of the time embracing the gift Jack is. I prayed for a long time that we would remember Andrew with joy and honor and not with pain. So glad that God is changing our hearts to enjoy today and our little ones!:)

Sara said...

Rachel, that is so nice to hear and read... I guess, it just brings my heart joy... and for me 19 mos later still longing for a baby from my womb, I see lots of progress, but to be honest, I do think about getting pregnant still a lot. I am so thankful for Hope and pray that she will get to stay, but there is still that longing for a newborn and all that would entail... she was almost 10 mos and already starting to walk, more like a toddler really... A HUGE blessing, but I still have longing...

Rachel, it is a journey though huh??? I love how it makes us long for heaven in a way I never did before. Praying for you friend!