It's pretty unusual for me to be up this late - 11pm - blogging. We just got done watching a movie and I should be hittin' the hay, but thought I try to pound out a quick post.
I remember 18 months ago, I was ALWAYS up late, reading baby loss blogs and blogging myself. Those late hours were my sanity in my very insane world. Felicity's death consumed me during that time. Though my children were fed, clothed, schooled, and the house was decent, I wasn't really all there. My grieving mama friend Sara just wrote about this too. I spent pretty much each waking hour dreaming of a baby who wasn't in my arms and thinking about getting pregnant again.
Well, here I am. My "Rainbow baby" will be 5 months on Tuesday. He is so sweet! We love him deeply. So how am I doing with my grief these days? I guess if you could watch my life in real time for a week, I'd look pretty normal to you. No crying spells or depression though I struggle with the things every mom struggles with: training my children, getting the laundry washed, folded, and put away, and getting dinner made. All normal things.
I miss Felicity like crazy, of course and I think about her every day. But these days I'm not consumed by it any more. It's a relief really, to be able to embrace the present, rather than dreaming of the past or wishing the future would come more quickly. I love taking care of Caleb in all his sweet 5 month old chubbiness. (I'll post some pictures this week, hopefully!) And I'm busy keeping up with my big boys and trying to be intentional with them in everything we do.
I don't spend my time searching for baby loss blogs anymore, though when I do come across them, I ALWAYS have to read about their baby loss. I feel a kinship with anyone who's walked this road. I can meet someone, in real life or online and instantly feel connected to them when I know we're both on a grief journey. There's so much comfort in knowing you're not alone. And it is a journey, one that won't be complete until Heaven.
So I'm living life, enjoying life, though always longing for Heaven. For now, I'm content and at peace. God is good, all the time and for that, I'm so very thankful.