View From the Inside

Lately, say in the past month or so, I've noticed grief creeping up on me. Two and half years of missing Felicity is approaching. So that's part of the reason why. Another part is Caleb is growing so quickly and has moved from babyhood to toddlerhood. Also the baby boom happening around me again, which I mentioned a few posts back.

There's more to it though. Can't always put my finger on it. Winter is almost over and the sun is out just about every day, yet I'm feeling gloomy on occasion. This might be TMI for some readers, but maybe my cycles are on the verge of returning. Who knows?

I don't think my grief is very apparent to those around me. I just mentioned to Paul today that I feel a little depressed. And depressed for me is not as bad as it is for others, I know. Looking from the outside, I tend to retreat in a little, not smile as much, and am snappier at those around me. But other than that, I don't think the men in my life are very aware of how I'm feeling.

I got contacted by a gal on FB who had read Felicity's story and who also had a stillborn baby at home and she's also has little c antibodies. Our circumstances are very different, but since becoming her friend, I've been exposed to a whole internet world of anti-homebirth sites/blogs/etc.

I don't question my homebirth, I don't blame my very competent midwife, and I don't think Felicity would've been born alive if I had gone straight to the hospital once labor began. But reading all this stuff I've come across, hasn't made the thought of another baby being born at home an easy idea to think about. While I still advocate for homebirth freedom (not because it's good experience, but because in most low-risk situations I feel it's safest for baby!), I think I've become a person who's just all about having a baby who's born alive. Maybe I was too firm in my opinions before? Maybe I was too judgmental of others who made different choices in birth than me? I do know I often pray for humility - my choices don't make me better than other people.

Anyway, I'm feeling introspective these days. I'm trying to remember Felicity, but also trying to not think of what-ifs. Caleb is here for a reason and to wish Felicity here, seems in my mind, to wish Caleb away, even if it's not intentional.