Sunday, November 23, 2008


Okay, I have to admit, I'm getting a bit obsessed. The other day, I "caught" Paul recycling a piece of paper from the granite company with a draft of Felicity's headstone on it. I scolded him for wanting to recycle it and rescued it. I'm obsessed with saving anything that has her name on it, to put in her baby book. I also saved the insurance cards we will never use, because her name was on them as well as the letter from the county medical examiner confirming cause of death.

I've saved all the cards we've received (we both agreed on that). And everything from the hospital that touched her body. I am in the process of framing pictures, so that just about every room in the house has a picture of her in it. Minus the bathrooms of course, I'm not that weird.

I also have a new obsession for the color pink. I never much liked the color pink after about two years of having my bedroom painted pink as a child. My birthstone is pink, which I disliked too. But when I got pregnant, I started to get my pink groove on, thinking about the 50/50 chance of having a girl. I bought a few pink things so that if we did have a girl, she could wear pink from the get-go, not yellow and green, which is what Elijah wore as a newborn. (I jokingly referred to these items of clothing as "my stash.") Now I find myself, searching out the color pink. I've even purchased two pink post-pregnancy shirts, adding that color to my wardrobe for the first time in a long time. I'm so sad my little girl is not here to dress in pink. So like Julia Roberts said (with a southern accent) in Steel Magnolias, "Pink is my signature color." It's just another way I can remember Felicity and feel close to her.

I can't believe tomorrow will be seven weeks since she died and was born. I want her here so badly! Everything we do as a family seems lacking since she's not here. I should be struggling to get everything done because I have to nurse her or change her or hold her because she's fussy. She should be sleeping in our bed every night. Ethan and Elijah should be asking to hold her every morning. We should be in awe over our first little girl. Instead we're looking at the only pictures we'll ever have and missing her so much it hurts.

I wish I knew God's plan in this pain. I am comforted by how he worked in my life after my divorce. I thought my life was over then and yet in time, God restored what had been taken away. He gave me Paul, the greatest husband, and more children. So even though I hurt now, I will continue to praise Him through this storm!


Heidi said...

Hey Beautiful,

A wise friend told me that God knows where point B is, and even if we have a vision for point B that is inline with God's point B, our paths may be different. Sometimes God only gives us one stone to cross to point B. His path and in His time. He leads us down a path we think is completely backwards, but in the end we get to where he has led us.

One painful stone at a time sometimes, not knowing when or where we will get our next set of directions.


(Oh and I told Tim I was going to paint our kitchen pink and he took a deep breath and told me very calmly that we would have to have some thoughtful discussion on the topic...those were is exact words.)

Anonymous said...

My Dearest Daughter, I read with bittersweet amazement your progress on this long road called Grief. I too feel everything you said about missing Felicity; I've already imagined how much delight Felicity would have given to the boys. And how satisfying it would have been to cuddle my third grandchild and feel the softness of her hair and enjoy her sweet baby smell. (I am so thankful I was able to see and hold her in the hospital.) Remember what Anne of Green Gables said about "the bend in the road" in her life? At this point, the narrow road of your life may seem more strait (strait means difficult circumstances in the KJV Bible) than it should, devoid of much color and dimension. As you wearily plod along, wondering how long it will be before you get to the next bend, when you are able, peer ahead for that bend and try to be a little excited. Only the good Lord knows what is up around the bend - may He give you the desire of your heart as you travel in His presence, with many "bends" of blessing and rest along the way. Love, Mom

Rebecca said...

Hi Rachel, Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your journey through grief. You already know that but it's comforting to hear from other strangers who are closer than a brother sometimes. You can read my story on my blog if you wish. Your mom found my blog and made a comment mentioning your blog, so that's how I found you. :) My daughter, Molly, lived just 7 days before going home to Jesus. She was born with a brain tumor and we chose to remove life support. That's the short version.

Anyway, I know the holidays are fast approaching and they are too fast for me. I am wishing I could just let them pass me by instead of participating. But I love how you made a list of things you are thankful for. I want to do that this week as well. I pray that this first holiday without your precious Felicity would be filled with grace and love from our Father who holds her in his gentle arms.

Peace and blessings,
Rebecca Mutz

melissa said...


I don't think your "obsession" is weird or wrong at all! I could go on, but I'll just leave it at that. Each thing that reminds you of her is precious, so keep the insurance card. :)

I read this the other day and thought of you:

"There is no pit so deep that God is not deeper yet."
~Corrie Ten Boom

Still praying for you!