Tuesday, January 6, 2009

The Why Switch

Ethan and Elijah spent three nights this past weekend at my parents' house. They have transitioned well to being back at home, but I feel like Elijah's grown up overnight. He's 28 months now and in just three short days he doesn't seem like my baby anymore. He is weaned finally (it'll be a week tomorrow), though he continues to asks once or twice a day if he can nurse. He was only nursing once a day until Felicity died, but then my milk came in. I needed him to help out during that initial engorgement period, plus it was comforting for us both. Well, once my milk was in, he thought he'd hit the jackpot and he went back to nursing multiple times a day. It got to be too much though with him waking in the middle of the night again and wanting to nurse, so I (and Paul) decided it was time to be done. Honestly I'm glad, but I'm sad too. It wouldn't be so hard if I had Felicity to nurse, but she's not here and now that Elijah's not nursing, I'm feeling her absence again and missing her all the more.

When Elijah came home from Gramma and Papa's house it was like someone turned on the "Why?" switch in his brain. Now whenever I ask him to do something, he furrows his little brow and says in a long drawn out breath, "Whhhyyy?" I find his expression so adorable and his still baby-like voice so sweet, but it's getting old already after only a day of being back home. When I explain why, he asks again, "But whhhyyy?"

I know all kids go through this developmental stage and it's good to start explaining things in more detail to them. Lately though, it's hard just to complete a simple thought in my head, much less explain to Elijah why he needs to come when I ask or stop playing so he can eat dinner. As much as I love to see him maturing and growing, I just want time to stop so I can hold him and cuddle him and have him be my baby once again. I know I'm feeling this more intensely because he's was supposed to be a "big boy" now and Felicity was going to be my baby.

This evening while we were finishing supper and afterwards, we went over God's providences for our family in 2008. This was tough. As Paul went through the months and talked about what God had done for us, I knew the tears were coming. I am so thankful for ALL God did for us in 2008 but I'm so sad too. I miss my baby! Today marks three months since she went to be with Jesus. I know "why" but I still want to ask him "why?" Why her? Why me? Why our family? And His answer would be "Beloved, the purpose for this pain is so I could be glorified!" And so I am trying to glorify Him by loving Him and doing what He commands.


melissa said...

Ugh, my 2 1/2 year old is there, too! He'll also respond to something with "But Mama..." Nothing else, just "But Mama" as if that's some kind of answer.

I don't think God always answers fully our "why" question. Maybe we see glimpses here and there of what He's done through it, but at least for me, I felt like His answer was just, "I love you". No full explanation of why He took Matthias, but an unshakable pouring out of His love.

I pray that His love is holding you up in your grief, Rachel. I think of you and your family and Felicity a lot!

Anonymous said...

"...went over God's providences..." I continue to be built up in my own faith as I watch you and Paul walk through and out of the valley of 2008. The faith that you exemplify truly uplifts my own. When the spirit of the age presses in on me, I go to your blog and see GRACE and FAITH and HOPE. And I am renewed. Thank you for allowing me to walk with you in this. MCD

Amy said...

I just want to say that I admire your faith so much. While our losses are on completely different levels, I'm learning so much from you while I struggle with my own--and it's small compared to yours.
You're always in my prayers...

Mrs. Jo said...

Thanks for the link to Molly's blog! Great articles and resources to help those who are hurting. I appreciate you sharing. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you. How ironic that your baby girls were both Felicitys.

Hoping and praying God is very close to you this year and always as you grieve your little girl.

Heidi said...

I've got a good stopper for your "why" monster your husband might enjoy. My dad (also an engineer) started giving my kids CRAZY technical answers. Like "Why?" asked when he says he's going to the store or driving a car or something. They would get a dissertation on the physics and the reactions involved. He would go on and on until they wandered away or asked him to stop (Aidan did that once...said Papa, I don't need to know all that). It was actually quite funny. Anyways- I know its not the point of your post but it made me think of that!