Ethan and Elijah spent three nights this past weekend at my parents' house. They have transitioned well to being back at home, but I feel like Elijah's grown up overnight. He's 28 months now and in just three short days he doesn't seem like my baby anymore. He is weaned finally (it'll be a week tomorrow), though he continues to asks once or twice a day if he can nurse. He was only nursing once a day until Felicity died, but then my milk came in. I needed him to help out during that initial engorgement period, plus it was comforting for us both. Well, once my milk was in, he thought he'd hit the jackpot and he went back to nursing multiple times a day. It got to be too much though with him waking in the middle of the night again and wanting to nurse, so I (and Paul) decided it was time to be done. Honestly I'm glad, but I'm sad too. It wouldn't be so hard if I had Felicity to nurse, but she's not here and now that Elijah's not nursing, I'm feeling her absence again and missing her all the more.
When Elijah came home from Gramma and Papa's house it was like someone turned on the "Why?" switch in his brain. Now whenever I ask him to do something, he furrows his little brow and says in a long drawn out breath, "Whhhyyy?" I find his expression so adorable and his still baby-like voice so sweet, but it's getting old already after only a day of being back home. When I explain why, he asks again, "But whhhyyy?"
I know all kids go through this developmental stage and it's good to start explaining things in more detail to them. Lately though, it's hard just to complete a simple thought in my head, much less explain to Elijah why he needs to come when I ask or stop playing so he can eat dinner. As much as I love to see him maturing and growing, I just want time to stop so I can hold him and cuddle him and have him be my baby once again. I know I'm feeling this more intensely because he's was supposed to be a "big boy" now and Felicity was going to be my baby.
This evening while we were finishing supper and afterwards, we went over God's providences for our family in 2008. This was tough. As Paul went through the months and talked about what God had done for us, I knew the tears were coming. I am so thankful for ALL God did for us in 2008 but I'm so sad too. I miss my baby! Today marks three months since she went to be with Jesus. I know "why" but I still want to ask him "why?" Why her? Why me? Why our family? And His answer would be "Beloved, the purpose for this pain is so I could be glorified!" And so I am trying to glorify Him by loving Him and doing what He commands.
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