Grief Clouding My Days

The last 30 hours have been hard! I've lived the last week or so, feeling like I was back in my old shoes. While missing Felicity, I just felt like life was improving and that I was adjusted to my new normal. Then yesterday, we noticed that Elijah was having some swelling and redness in his privates (no other way to put it). Paul called the nurse, who of course recommended going to urgent care. Well urgent care is at the hospital where we found out Felicity had died. I started feeling like I was going to be sick, thinking about having to go back there. I thought about having to see nurses and doctors who might have worked on Felicity, to get her heart beating. I began crying and explained to Paul how I was feeling. He offered to go alone with Elijah and that way I could stay home and get Ethan to bed. I felt awful, wanting to be with Elijah, to know what was wrong, but knowing that if I did, I'd be a big sobbing mess the whole time.

Paul and Elijah left and didn't get home until after 10pm. Despite multiple phone calls to him, I worried the whole time which got me thinking about Felicity and feeling sad. I prayed a lot and I felt God's peace. The peace God gives is one in which I know what the outcome will be. Not the outcome on this earth, but the eternal outcome, which is heaven. I know this world is going to still have pain in it. While having "survived" what I can only hope is the worst pain I'll ever feel, I know there will be more at some point. And when your child is hurting, you hurt too. Long story short, he has epididymitis, an inflammation of that area. I won't go into details, that's what googling is for. He's on antibiotics for seven days - the first time he's ever taken any prescription meds, so hopefully it'll be really effective.

Since then, I've just felt shrouded by my grief. The thought of going to church this a.m. was beyond overwhelming. Church is usually hard. I think it's because the sanctuary is also where I last saw my daughter's body. And whenever I'm there to worship, I still see her little casket on the communion table and it hurts! I think I've only made it through one service since she died without crying. Since I needed to get Elijah's prescription filled and have him start taking it a.s.a.p. I didn't go to church. I've spent all day feeling down, crying in the shower, crying during devotions, crying when I laid down for a nap.

I feel like I should just be able to shake this feeling of grief off. I don't want to feel this way and yet I've come to accept that it's going to be with me always. It's now a part of me. I never thought of myself as a sad person but here I am. I can be happy too, but there's always going to be part of me that is sad. I miss my daughter! I wish I knew what she'd be like at 16 weeks old, for that's how old she'd be tomorrow.