Paul and I have been enjoying a weekend alone. We dropped the boys off at my parents on Friday and I'm heading down to the cities tomorrow to pick them up (thanks for the extra night Gramma and Papa!). It's been a great weekend of relaxing, sleeping in (until 8 am - Woohoo!), watching movies (with the volume as loud as we want since there are no sleeping children down the hall), eating out, shopping (love those after Christmas sales), and just being together. We haven't been alone overnight since last June when we went to Eau Claire for a wedding. And that was the first night we'd ever been away from Elijah.
It's such a weird thing being home without the kids. They bring so much life and NOISE to the house! After Felicity died, I stated to everyone around me that I didn't want to be alone for a long time. Even after Paul went back to work I needed my mom to be here just so I wouldn't be home alone with the boys. And I definitely didn't want to be home alone without Paul or the boys! I was just too sad and the house seemed to swallow me up in its emptiness. I'm finally feeling better about the idea of being home alone.
Since Christmas ended, I began to think about the new year and leaving 2008 behind. Like most other moms of babies in heaven, I feel bad about moving into a new year. 2008 was the year of Felicity and as time passes I feel like I move farther and farther away from her. I'm excited and hopeful for what God may do in 2009, but still there's a lot of sadness. Today I'm feeling that sadness a bit more intensely. Despite the sunny day (the sun usually brightens my mood), I cried this morning and during worship at church and even now I'm crying as I type this. I miss Felicity SOOO much!!! Sometimes it's physically painful to look at her pictures because of how much I want her here.
Her death has made me long for heaven! I would love to live longer, have more babies and watch my boys grow up, but I'd trade it all for the Lord to return today. And then I realize it's not mine to trade. My boys are not mine, Felicity is not mine, my house is not mine, this life is not mine. I deserve nothing and yet by Jesus' death on the cross I've been given EVERYTHING! And so I will live my life, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day in gratitude. I will praise God for everything I'm given and I will bless His name even if it's all taken away.
Happy New Year everyone!