Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Seven Months

I can't believe it's already been seven months since our lives changed forever. In a moment we stepped from a normal life into a life of shock, chaos, confusion, and pain.

I remember the moment my doctor walked into my hospital room and told us that they hadn't been able to resuscitate her. I remember holding my girl's almost ten pound body so careful because she seemed so fragile. I remember Paul praying over her and asking God to breathe life into her body.I remember trying to memorize in my shocked state what she felt like in my arms. I remember not being able to smell her sweet newborn smell because my nose was so stuffed up from crying.

I remember her long toes and her head of dark hair. I remember how soft her skin was. I remember the kindness of those around us in the hospital, how gentle they were with us and how lovingly they held and cared for Felicity. I remember looking at the painting that was hanging in the hospital room, thinking it looked like Felicity grown up in Heaven. I look at that painting every day, because it now hangs in my living room, inscribed by the artist 'in loving memory of our precious Felicity Faith.'

I remember thinking almost immediately, "I'll just have another baby. That will make everything okay."

I remember the pain of hearing about Ethan's excitement over his sister turning to tears of sadness when Paul had to tell him she was in Heaven. I remember how lovingly Elijah held her and touched her, like he too was memorizing her. I remember seeing my husband in pain and anguish, in a state I'd never seen him in before.

I remember the intense desire to keep my girl in my arms forever and the overwhelming longing to be home with my boys. I remember the confusion over planning a funeral when I should've been learning to nurse a newborn again. I remember having to send out the email telling everyone what had happened. I remember going through the few girl clothes we had and picking out what she would be buried in.

I remember so many painful memories and yet they are ALL the memories I have of my daughter. So I embrace the pain, remember her, thank God we had her for as long as we did, and hope for Heaven, when I will see her again and be able to look into her eyes for the first time. And there will be no more tears or sorrow or weeping!

I miss you sweet girl! Until Heaven, I will hold you close in my memories. You are always remembered, always missed, always loved.

Felicity's apple tree, soon to be in full bloom. I'm wondering what color the blossoms will be.

Felicity's brothers


Anonymous said...


I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our 17 month old son to a tragic accident in August 2008. The pain is so raw at times. I cried through your post. I have a deep sense of loss too. I pray that you feel God's presence, peace and comfort. I can do all things through God, who strenghtens me.

With Hope,

Persuaded said...

i clicked on felicity's picture so i could take in all of the details. she was so perfect.... i don't know how you can bear it....

prying for you, because that's all i know to do♥

Jennifer Ross said...

I was looking at Felicity's picture, and what stood out the most to me was how much she looks like her mommy. She is sooooooooo beautiful!

Megan said...

thinking of you, praying for you, and understanding your pain with you lady. Keep pressing on....

Amy said...

I still can't get over her chunky little cheeks. She's so beautiful!

Sharleen said...

Holding you up in prayer sweet friend.

Sara said...

I too am praying for you today. Rachel, she is so beautiful. She is so big and full and precious. Samuel was 9.2 lbs. so he was so filled out too... just so adorable. Thinking of you and praying for the Lord to comfort and sustain you today and each day as you continue on this journey. Love to you today dear friend from OK.

Sara said...

I will be praying for you this Sunday. For some reason... I don't anticipate Mother's Day being SUPER difficult... but I wan't anticipating 6 months to be nearly as bad as it was. That is just another aspect of what makes this so hard... sometimes you are just blindsided out of no where... other times it is a slow slippery slope. So very hard. I am sure it will probably be harder than I am anticipating. Hey, I would love to hear about Faith's Lodge. I have been on their website, it looks really neat. I am going on a Pastors wives retreat for OK. I am just praying that there won't be any new babies there... There wouldn't be too many of us there, so it would be a smaller group and if there is a baby there I just feel like I might feel "trapped" watching all these ladies adore a new little one. Too hard. Sometimes I feel so selfish... so not like myself, but I do know I need to protect myself too. I am just not there yet at all.

Ok sorry for rambling. I will be praying for you. I was just thinking too how nice it would be to meet sometime:) Blessings on your Thursday.

Bethany said...

dear rachel,
what precious children you have.
God be with you,