"Wow, three boys!"

It seems like everywhere we go, people comment about the fact that we have three boys.

"Wow, three boys! You must be busy."

"Three boys? Are you going to try for a girl?"

"What, no girls?"

These types of statements have given me the best opportunities to tell people about my only daughter.

Just today, I talked about Felicity to three different people: the gal at Burger King who commented to us as we were leaving, the lady who cut my hair, and a woman at the bank. I even pulled out a photo album I carry around with me to show one of them her NILMDTS pictures.

I'm proud of my daughter. I want people to see her pictures. I want people to know about stillbirth and to have a face to put with it. I want her short life to have meaning.

I don't know what kind of impact I'm having when I share with these people, but talking about Felicity helps me. Each time it gets a little easier. And when I tell people I have a daughter in Heaven and they see a smile on my face, I hope that they wonder why I'm able to smile about it. Sometimes they even ask or comment about how hard it is and I'm able to share a little more.

Felicity may not be with us, but she continues to have a legacy.

Four Months Old

Caleb,

You are such a joy-bringer! I love waking up with you each morning, though you usually sleep awhile longer than I can. One of my favorite parts of the day is watching you open your eyes in the morning, recognize me, and smile. Your presence in our family is healing my heart on so many levels.

Love,

Mama

Busyness in Photos

Here's some photos of what's been going on lately. First off, this baby just keeps getting cuter and sweeter as the days go by. Can't believe he'll be 4 months old on Saturday!

Ethan (second kid from left) "graduated" from AWANA sparks. It was his third year and he completed all three books. AWANA stands for 'Approved Workmen Are Not Ashamed' and is our Wednesday night children's program. It's great and the kids learn lots of scripture while having fun. It's most common at Evangelical Free Churches. Check it out near you!

Elijah (second from right and looking very stoic) finished his first year of AWANA Cubbies. Despite his stoicism in the photo, he loves it!

This is my "nursery moms group" decked out for the annual AWANA carnival. Each year we choose a theme and base our games around it. This year's western theme included "pin the badge on the sheriff" and lassoing the rocking horse.

And finally, our baby/child dedication at church. As I stood on stage, I looked down upon the stand below me where Felicity's casket was during her memorial just 18 months prior. I held back the tears because of missing her and at the same time thanked God for her and for Caleb.

List

Because my thoughts have no cohesive pattern this morning, I thought I'd just write a list of all that's happened and what I'm thinking about. I love lists.

They complete me.

Actually they don't, but they do make me feel a bit more organized. (Emphasis on "feel" because making lists doesn't actually make me more organized unfortunately.)

But a girl can hope.

Here goes:

1) Mother's Day was nice, even though my own mother was traveling to Michigan to be with my grandma who had been admitted to the hospital that morning. I still haven't heard much about what's going on. So anyway, it was a nice day, surrounded by my boys, husband, dad, and brother. I thought a lot about many of you who are struggling through Mother's Day with empty arms!

2) Nursing is going better, thank God. (And I have!) The issue (see my comments from my last post) is not totally resolved, but it's improving. Thanks for your prayers!

3) Both big boys are fighting colds and coughs and I'm praying Caleb doesn't get sick.

4) I'm finally sending (or getting ready to send) a wedding gift that's almost a year late.

5) I had an Usborne books party on Saturday which was fun and I'm super excited to get the books I ordered! Birthdays and Christmas are definitely taken care of this year!

6) I feel old - I've been dealing with back and hip pain (common after having a baby) that's most painful at night and it just plain makes me feel old.

7) Still considering painting inside my house. That's as far as I've gotten. It's gonna happen, I just don't know when.

8) We have 20 days left of school! Woohoo! Ethan got his standardized testing scores back and he did awesome - scoring in the 99th percentile!

9) The weather here in MN is bizarre, but normal, I guess for Minnesota. A week ago it was 80 degrees. Then Saturday we woke up to snow on the ground. Sunday was beautiful and now it's wet and rainy again. I am glad we haven't planted the garden yet, considering this past week we've had multiple nights of hard frost.

10) I'm not totally sold on this new blog template, so it may change again.

Have a good week!

Overwhelmed

I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a LONG time.

Life has been incredibly busy here for the last few weeks and I'm hoping that in a week or so, I'll feel like I can breathe again. In the last two weeks alone, we've had standardized testing to do, a field trip, a garage sale, illness, a baby dedication, and our AWANA carnival. Amongst all the busyness, I've been dealing with a breastfeeding problem. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I cherish nursing my babies. Yet I've had this issue with all three of them and each time it's painful and heartrending because I want to be able to enjoy each nursing session. Instead they are painful and I begin to doubt whether nursing will ever be a pain-free experience again.

Because I was feeling low last night, it got me to thinking more about Felicity. I mean, I think of her daily, especially now that Caleb is in my arms. Seeing him grow has only caused me to miss Felicity more. So last night's tears were for her too.

I'm finding that in this second year of grief, many of my blurry memories from Felicity's death and afterwards are becoming more clear. Often times as I remember them, I feel like I'm living them all over again, but with more feeling since it's no longer clouded by shock. The pain feels so fresh and raw often times. Caleb pulls me back to the present with his smiles though. And then, even though it still hurts, I can smile and thank God for ALL His blessings. But, oh, how I long for Heaven most days....