I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a LONG time.
Life has been incredibly busy here for the last few weeks and I'm hoping that in a week or so, I'll feel like I can breathe again. In the last two weeks alone, we've had standardized testing to do, a field trip, a garage sale, illness, a baby dedication, and our AWANA carnival. Amongst all the busyness, I've been dealing with a breastfeeding problem. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I cherish nursing my babies. Yet I've had this issue with all three of them and each time it's painful and heartrending because I want to be able to enjoy each nursing session. Instead they are painful and I begin to doubt whether nursing will ever be a pain-free experience again.
Because I was feeling low last night, it got me to thinking more about Felicity. I mean, I think of her daily, especially now that Caleb is in my arms. Seeing him grow has only caused me to miss Felicity more. So last night's tears were for her too.
I'm finding that in this second year of grief, many of my blurry memories from Felicity's death and afterwards are becoming more clear. Often times as I remember them, I feel like I'm living them all over again, but with more feeling since it's no longer clouded by shock. The pain feels so fresh and raw often times. Caleb pulls me back to the present with his smiles though. And then, even though it still hurts, I can smile and thank God for ALL His blessings. But, oh, how I long for Heaven most days....