Wednesday, May 5, 2010


I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time in a LONG time.

Life has been incredibly busy here for the last few weeks and I'm hoping that in a week or so, I'll feel like I can breathe again. In the last two weeks alone, we've had standardized testing to do, a field trip, a garage sale, illness, a baby dedication, and our AWANA carnival. Amongst all the busyness, I've been dealing with a breastfeeding problem. Anyone who knows me, knows how much I cherish nursing my babies. Yet I've had this issue with all three of them and each time it's painful and heartrending because I want to be able to enjoy each nursing session. Instead they are painful and I begin to doubt whether nursing will ever be a pain-free experience again.

Because I was feeling low last night, it got me to thinking more about Felicity. I mean, I think of her daily, especially now that Caleb is in my arms. Seeing him grow has only caused me to miss Felicity more. So last night's tears were for her too.

I'm finding that in this second year of grief, many of my blurry memories from Felicity's death and afterwards are becoming more clear. Often times as I remember them, I feel like I'm living them all over again, but with more feeling since it's no longer clouded by shock. The pain feels so fresh and raw often times. Caleb pulls me back to the present with his smiles though. And then, even though it still hurts, I can smile and thank God for ALL His blessings. But, oh, how I long for Heaven most days....


Amy said...

I can relate to this post so much. Ever since what should have been Zach's first birthday I've been flooded with images. It all used to be so foggy, and now it's so clear and it's really bothering me.

Also, the place where I delivered him was all remodeled and renovated and for some reason, that's upset the heck out of me. I feel like someone messed with my sacred ground. I don't know....

This is hard. I appreciate your posts and your openess so much. I don't have the guts to be as open as you are and you really help me process my feelings.

This is so so hard.

Carolina said...

I am sorry you are going through an emotional time right now. Grief is such a wave of emotions and the waves hit us when we least expect them. I wish I could provide some word of encouragement, and I can relate to some of the emotions you're feeling.

Thanks for the update, I check your blog all the time!:)

Bethany said...

Dear Rachel,
I'll be praying for you these next days.
Hang in there, friend.

Ashly said...

Caleb is so cute! I'm so glad you have him to cuddle! but I'm terribly sorry about your re-living thoughts of Felicity's death. She is missed so much.

I'm sorry you're having a breastfeeding issue. That stinks! I love nursing Macy Brooks, it's the best. Glad to see you're doing well most days:)

MagnoliaWhisper said...

I can understand. I had a still birth almost exactly one year before I had my current daughter. Every time some one asks me how many children I have it's a difficult memory!

As for nursing, have you had your son checked that he is not tongue tied and is actually latching correctly? You may need to go to different ENTs or lactation consultants. Not all drs and nurses know what to look for or what they are talking about.

Rachel said...

Thanks for the advice Heather, but it's not that kind of issue. I get eczema when I'm nursing and the recent hot them cold then warm weather has really aggravated it, but it is getting better.

Sara said...

I understand the whole thing with the images coming back so clearly. The trauma of things is hard to deal with. Sometimes it is just so fresh and other times not at the forefront of things.

I will continue to pray for you Rachel. I am so glad you have Caleb in your arms, yet I know you still long deeply for Felicity too:) Longing for Heaven with you!!!