A Project in the Works

We just got back from vacationing in Copper Harbor, MI and while I'm planning a post on our trip, I don't have the time today. But I wanted to share something I've been working on.

I'm a very novice knitter, but I love doing it. Unfortunately up until this recent project, I've stuck mostly to scarves and dishcloths. But I was inspired when I visited a specialty yarn store a few weeks ago.

This is the result:

It's a hat and blanket for Caleb. I had to adapt the pattern for the hat as it was for a very small preemie. Even so, this one turned out smaller than I thought. I plan on trying another before he's born and making it even bigger.

My thoughts behind doing these for Caleb were that I wanted him to have something made by me that smells like me (haven't decided how to accomplish this yet) to have with him, if for some reason we have to be separated for any period of time after his birth.

It's not something I like to think about but I want to be prepared if it happens. Tomorrow is our 22 week MCA scan and also a growth scan which they do every 3-4 weeks. The perinatologist gave us the thumbs us to go on vacation after an early scan last Wednesday so it's been 8 days since he was last looked at.

Thanks for lifting Caleb up in prayer these past weeks!

Happy 4th Anniversary, Paul!

Friday is our 4th wedding anniversary. I'm writing this a little early, because I won't be able to do it that day and because the boys are with Gramma and Papa and it's so much easier to blog when they are not here. And by easier, I mean that I don't feel guilty blogging when they're not here. That and I can think clearly. (I miss them like crazy!)

Four years ago, we said our "I do's" (or were they "I will's"?) atop a scenic overlook in southeastern MN. We called it our "planned elopement," since it's pretty hard to elope when you have a three year old. So it was planned - in seven weeks!

He asked me to marry him at Outback Steakhouse, not a terribly romantic place, but I was just glad he was asking. You see we had recently almost broken up over a silly issue of where we would live if we got married. (He came to see my point of view pretty quickly on that one!)

We picked out rings together after he asked. I shopped for our wedding attire. We began premarital counseling which we didn't finish until after we were married. Then we struggled to find a pastor who would marry us in such a remote location (a long story!), but finally found the perfect one. We had never met him before, but the way he wrote his sermon and our vows, it was like he'd known us for years.

We each had one witness. I asked my aunt Cathy to be mine and Paul's friend Bill was his. My parents had left with Ethan the day before to travel to their yearly vacation spot. We struggled with whether or not to have Ethan and them there, but in order to have a honeymoon, we needed to do it while they were gone.

Neither of us regrets not having a big wedding! It was a perfect day - a Sunday. We went together to church in the morning and then afterwards left to travel down to the location.

The pictures aren't professional and the wedding video still isn't edited, but it was a wonderful day. We shared our first kiss that day.

We've been through a lot in four years! Adapting to life as a blended family, moving, 4 pregnancies, and the deaths of two babies. Only God knows what the future holds, but I pray the next four years will be filled with joy!

I'm so blessed to be married to you, Paul! I know we've had our struggles and will probably encounter more before this life is through. Thank you for being loving and patient with me! You are an amazing husband and father, far better than I ever imagined. I pray God gives us many more years together! I love you!

A badly scanned photograph of the scenic overlook where we were married (at the top of the rock outcropping).

Ethan and "Daddy Paul" though the Paul part was soon dropped. Ethan was thrilled to have a consistent father in his life and it's apparent by their relationship today.

Our first Christmas photo as a new family!

Week 20 MCA Scan and a Field Trip

Caleb had a great scan again today, praise God! We are so thankful as we learned today that the longer he goes without developing anemia, the less likely it will be that he develops it at all. We also learned that the earlier a baby develops Hemolytic Disease, the more severe it tends to be. This really is a week to week learning experience.

Before the boys and I headed down to the cities for my appointment, we were able to take a field trip to a town about 15 miles away to see the traveling Vietnam memorial. It is a half scale version of the real monument in Washington, D.C. While I have seen the real one myself, I don't know if the boys will ever get to, so this was a neat experience. It is a very solemn one, especially considering that 8 years ago America faced its worst terrorist attack ever.

I found myself in tears as I read a letter a woman had left at the memorial. It was wrapped in plastic with a flower and two pictures, a wedding one and a photo of a man in uniform. The letter began:

Dear Mike,
Today would've been our 40th wedding anniversary. We didn't even get to celebrate our first anniversary.

So sad! The rest was folded so I couldn't read it, but it was never meant for my eyes anyway.

The boys were able to explore some old army vehicles, even climbing inside a convoy truck. It was neat to talk with some of the veterans there who were volunteering.

I am so thankful for all those who were willing to make such sacrifices for our country.


Blessings,

Boring Blogger

I know I've been a boring blogger lately -sorry! Life is busy and I just haven't had any inspiring blog post ideas nor the time and energy to write one if I did. But I wanted to write something before tomorrow so that my posts don't all become Caleb's MCA scan updates.

We had a fairly successful garage sale on Saturday. Ethan had fun camping with his dad, though he was bummed not to be here for the sale. He opened his own "business" this past spring called "Ethan's Eats" with the intention to sell water and various snacks whenever we hosted paintball events on our property. (If you didn't know, my husband loves paintball!) Ethan used some of his birthday money to purchase bottles of water and snack foods. Unfortunately all of the paintball events have been cancelled due to not enough people signing up, so Ethan's business has been surviving solely on purchases made by family members. He was hoping to sell stuff to people at the sale. Since we didn't get rid of as much as we wanted, we're going to have the sale again this Saturday, so hopefully he'll sell some stuff this weekend.

Elijah had a blast at the garage sale. He spent pretty much all day cutting, glueing, and drawing on construction paper and handing them out to customers, who weren't quite sure what to do with them. Sometimes he'd hold the paper out and just say, "Here" in a deep voice and then walk away. (He frequently likes to talk in a deeper voice than normal.) Other times he'd launch into a detailed exchange in his deep voice, which unless you know him, can be difficult to understand. I found myself often interpreting for him, but it was cute nonetheless.

My homemade dishcloths did not sell liked I'd hope they would, so I'm hoping this Saturday will be different. Otherwise, I'll have to come up with some sort of contest to give some of them away.

Tomorrow we have another MCA scan since it's Friday. Keep praying for Caleb to stay healthy! It would be great not to have him have any blood transfusions, but I'd at least like to wait until he's a little bigger. I'll be sure to post a report tomorrow evening on how things went.


Blessings,

Week 19 MCA Scan

Thanks for your prayers this week! I don't think I was too unbearable, so you all must have been praying hard.

We're ready for our garage sale tomorrow, our homeschool co-op "opener" went well, and Ethan is camping with his dad and stepmom. (I hate the words stepmom/stepdad. We don't try to use those terms. I prefer "chosen mom/dad" because that person entered into a relationship knowing the role they would have to fill and choosing to do so. End tangent.)

Caleb's MCA scan today went well. The blood flow is well below the limit. They want it to be <34 cm/second and he was in the 27-28 cm/s range. Praise God!

I'm tired and lacking in much else in terms of "fun blogging material." Have a great Labor Day weekend!

Blessings,

Blogiversary and Almost 11 Months

Last Monday was my blogiversary - one year of blogging. I can hardly begin to sum up what blogging has done for me the past year. The most important part by far has been the friendships I've developed through blogging with other baby loss moms. Knowing I wasn't alone in my grief when Felicity died was what I needed most.

I think the initial feeling for most moms after they lose a child is the feeling that no one else knows what it feels like. And while my husband was a constant during my grief, my emotions differed greatly from his, in that I'm female, Felicity's mom, and she died inside of me. I needed to talk to other moms who understood what that felt like.

Sunday will mark 11 months since Felicity died. I know I've said this before, but in many ways it feels like an eternity since she was inside me. But as I feel Caleb moving around inside me even more each day, it seems like only yesterday that I was feeling Felicity. And then I think of Jeremiah and the fact that I never got to feel his movement. Had he lived, he'd be due to be born in about 5 weeks.

It's hard to really grasp how I feel some days. Some days feel completely normal again, but then when I think of it that way, grief pops its head back up and I miss my babies terribly. I'm finding great hope in anticipating Caleb's arrival and the thought of having MY warm, cuddly baby in my arms. I dreamt he was born last night and when I woke, I could hardly stand the thought of having to wait 5 months more. I have never dreamt about Felicity or Jeremiah, so I found great comfort in this dream.

I still find myself afraid to hope at times too. I told my mom the other day that I'm really trying to treasure this pregnancy, as hard as it is at time, because I don't know if I'll ever have another baby. With my other pregnancies, I just figured it was another uncomfortable time to get through and this time, I'm trying to memorize everything, because I don't know what the future holds.

I've been sick the last 4 days and finally starting to feel better, thank goodness. But being down physically hasn't helped my emotions. Not to mention Ethan's dad and stepmom are taking him this w/e (he hasn't seen them since Feb.) and we're hoping to have a garage sale on Saturday. Throw in my doctor's appointment on Friday afternoon and homeschool co-op starting Friday a.m. and I'm pretty stressed. And for me stress usually equates to crazy emotions so it should be an interesting week. (Pray for my husband!)

Blessings,

Happy 3rd Birthday Elijah!

My baby is three today - where did the time go?

He was born in a wonderfully peaceful (other than the loud vocalization on my part) homebirth/waterbirth at Gramma and Papa's house (the house I grew up in). We didn't have room for the birth tub to be set up in our apartment for however long it took for labor to start.

He arrived 5 days early, which I predicted and my labor lasted a mere 4 hours and 19 minutes compared to the 21 hour back labor I had with Ethan in the hospital. Two of those four hours, I wasn't even sure I was in active labor. I was an amazing experience. My first natural birth. I could feel his big (9lbs., 3 oz.) body moving down with each contraction.

We were surrounded by people we loved and cared about. Paul was in the birth tub with me (at my insistence) and my mom was watching nearby. My dad was also home when Elijah entered the world. We were also supported by our midwife, her assistant, and our Bradley Childbirth instructor, whom we had invited to the event. Ethan was happily upstairs playing with Aunt Cathy, but came downstairs to inspect his new brother, whom he was convinced was going to be a sister. We'll never forget what he said after being told repeatedly that he had a brother, not a sister. "Well, I wanna see how big his penis is!"

When Elijah entered the world and was placed on my chest, Paul was the one to announce, "It's a boy!" Noth long after his birth, I was nestled in a comfortable bed, nursing my precious boy, while everyone else happily consumed pizza.

It was a day (evening) we will never forget.

An hour or two old!

5 days old

2.5 weeks old

4 months old

6 months old

8-9 months old

Happy birthday sweet boy! Thanks for all the laughs and cuddles - you will always be my baby!