Monday, August 31, 2009

Blogiversary and Almost 11 Months

Last Monday was my blogiversary - one year of blogging. I can hardly begin to sum up what blogging has done for me the past year. The most important part by far has been the friendships I've developed through blogging with other baby loss moms. Knowing I wasn't alone in my grief when Felicity died was what I needed most.

I think the initial feeling for most moms after they lose a child is the feeling that no one else knows what it feels like. And while my husband was a constant during my grief, my emotions differed greatly from his, in that I'm female, Felicity's mom, and she died inside of me. I needed to talk to other moms who understood what that felt like.

Sunday will mark 11 months since Felicity died. I know I've said this before, but in many ways it feels like an eternity since she was inside me. But as I feel Caleb moving around inside me even more each day, it seems like only yesterday that I was feeling Felicity. And then I think of Jeremiah and the fact that I never got to feel his movement. Had he lived, he'd be due to be born in about 5 weeks.

It's hard to really grasp how I feel some days. Some days feel completely normal again, but then when I think of it that way, grief pops its head back up and I miss my babies terribly. I'm finding great hope in anticipating Caleb's arrival and the thought of having MY warm, cuddly baby in my arms. I dreamt he was born last night and when I woke, I could hardly stand the thought of having to wait 5 months more. I have never dreamt about Felicity or Jeremiah, so I found great comfort in this dream.

I still find myself afraid to hope at times too. I told my mom the other day that I'm really trying to treasure this pregnancy, as hard as it is at time, because I don't know if I'll ever have another baby. With my other pregnancies, I just figured it was another uncomfortable time to get through and this time, I'm trying to memorize everything, because I don't know what the future holds.

I've been sick the last 4 days and finally starting to feel better, thank goodness. But being down physically hasn't helped my emotions. Not to mention Ethan's dad and stepmom are taking him this w/e (he hasn't seen them since Feb.) and we're hoping to have a garage sale on Saturday. Throw in my doctor's appointment on Friday afternoon and homeschool co-op starting Friday a.m. and I'm pretty stressed. And for me stress usually equates to crazy emotions so it should be an interesting week. (Pray for my husband!)



Jennifer Ross said...

I'll keep your husband in prayer:)lol

Happy blogiversary! I just wanted to let you know how much you mean to me. You were the very first person that was my friend out here in the blog world. If you would have never e-mailed me after the first message that I left you on your blog, then I probably wouldn't have the blog that I do today. It has helped me beyond anything else through my grief with Isaiah. I believe God placed you in my life at the perfect time. Thank you for being a special friend to me.

Lots of Love,

Heidi said...

It is so hard to figure out balance when being busy is so stressful!

I almost cried reading about your dream of Caleb's birth. I'm not sure why, but it really touched me.

Hugs to you!

Missy said...

I am so glad you blog! It helps me in so many ways. You are a wonderful and strong inspiring woman! I hope you feel 100% better Asap, and I am still praying for you, always!

Susan B. at warmchocmilk said...

Beautiful and honest post. I could relate when you said you were "afraid to hope", when you've been burned in the past you feel scared about the future. hope is good, it's not foolish. You're right that you can't predict the future, but that doesn't mean you can't dream and it doesn't mean you shouldn't wish for, and expect the very best!

Anonymous said...

Seth's pregnancy was beautiful but also very challenging. The first words I said after the doctor had taken him out via C-section were, "Is he alive?" I am so thankful for this blessed boy but it does not take away the pain of not having a 3 year little girl named Hannah Jean on my lap. Praying that the Lord will continue to give you a grieving that is mingled with joy. Joy for what your sweet Felicity has gained through the blood of Jesus.
I am praying daily for your little Caleb to be born healthyand happy! I will pray for you more this week. I know I have only met you briefly but there is a bond that mom share who have babes with the Lord.

Praying for you dear sister,


Ebe said...

We're still praying! Every night!
I can't imagine all the emotions and thoughts that must swirl around your thoughts and feelings about this blessed little boy named Caleb.

love and prayers,

Sara said...

I will be praying for you this week with all you have going on with your boys and with Felicity's 11 months in Heaven date coming. You will make it Rachel. God will sustain you these next 5 months until that precious little Caleb is born. I know it can be hard not to be pessimistic at times. I understand that. But I am going to trust that the Great Physician has you and that little guy in the palm of his hand. Thinking of you and praying! When I looked at the pictures of Elijah, I couldn't help but think of how Felicity would look like now:) Missing her with you!