Last Monday was my blogiversary - one year of blogging. I can hardly begin to sum up what blogging has done for me the past year. The most important part by far has been the friendships I've developed through blogging with other baby loss moms. Knowing I wasn't alone in my grief when Felicity died was what I needed most.
I think the initial feeling for most moms after they lose a child is the feeling that no one else knows what it feels like. And while my husband was a constant during my grief, my emotions differed greatly from his, in that I'm female, Felicity's mom, and she died inside of me. I needed to talk to other moms who understood what that felt like.
Sunday will mark 11 months since Felicity died. I know I've said this before, but in many ways it feels like an eternity since she was inside me. But as I feel Caleb moving around inside me even more each day, it seems like only yesterday that I was feeling Felicity. And then I think of Jeremiah and the fact that I never got to feel his movement. Had he lived, he'd be due to be born in about 5 weeks.
It's hard to really grasp how I feel some days. Some days feel completely normal again, but then when I think of it that way, grief pops its head back up and I miss my babies terribly. I'm finding great hope in anticipating Caleb's arrival and the thought of having MY warm, cuddly baby in my arms. I dreamt he was born last night and when I woke, I could hardly stand the thought of having to wait 5 months more. I have never dreamt about Felicity or Jeremiah, so I found great comfort in this dream.
I still find myself afraid to hope at times too. I told my mom the other day that I'm really trying to treasure this pregnancy, as hard as it is at time, because I don't know if I'll ever have another baby. With my other pregnancies, I just figured it was another uncomfortable time to get through and this time, I'm trying to memorize everything, because I don't know what the future holds.
I've been sick the last 4 days and finally starting to feel better, thank goodness. But being down physically hasn't helped my emotions. Not to mention Ethan's dad and stepmom are taking him this w/e (he hasn't seen them since Feb.) and we're hoping to have a garage sale on Saturday. Throw in my doctor's appointment on Friday afternoon and homeschool co-op starting Friday a.m. and I'm pretty stressed. And for me stress usually equates to crazy emotions so it should be an interesting week. (Pray for my husband!)