Monday, December 29, 2008

After Christmas Rambling

Christmas has come and gone. My parents and aunt came up to our house for a few days and my brother and his wife came over for Christmas eve. Overall it was a good time. The anticipation of Christmas without Felicity was much harder than the actual day, especially because so much of the activity is spread out over a few days.

We opened most of our gifts on Christmas eve, and with the boys there was a lot going on. I didn't really think much about Felicity because I was trying so hard to enjoy the boys enjoy their gifts. That night after they had gone to bed, we set up a treasure hunt for them to find their last gifts. Ethan hunted for a toy laptop computer and Elijah for a farm set. Along the way they also "found" a big blow up castle jumper from Paul's mom. It was a BIG Christmas in terms of presents, something we usually don't go all out on.

It was after all the presents were done that I really let myself feel Felicity's absence. It only took me a moment or two of thinking about her before I just fell on the floor and lost it. Paul, my mom, and Cathy held me while I just sobbed and sobbed. I think Paul had been thinking about her a lot also because when I cried, he started to let his emotions show too. Just like he may have a hard time understanding my grief, I have a hard time knowing when he's hurting unless he just starts talking about it. Despite our miscommunication at times, it helps so much to have each other. I recently "met" another blogger who is one year past the stillbirth of her son who is separated from her husband and trying to get through this alone. Praise God that she is a believer who has found comfort in Him. Please pray for her though that all her physical and emotional needs would be met by the body of believers near her.

So after crying A LOT, I was tired and red, but I felt so much better emotionally. It helps me to let my emotions out, though I often find myself holding them in because I may not be in a location where I want a lot of attention because I'm crying (or be ignored b/c I'm crying). We live in a culture that does not welcome sadness or tears. It makes people uncomfortable to be around someone who's sad. Before Felicity died, I was uncomfortable being around people who were sad. I had a hard time knowing what to say to them or do for them. I'm resolving to not be that way anymore, especially with other believers. We should be able to share all our burdens with our christian family - especially sin and sadness - and yet we don't. This world is SAD. But Heaven won't be!!! I'm reading the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn and I'm so excited about it. If you have a loved one who's already left this earth for a better place, I encourage you to read this book!

Back to Christmas day. . . In the afternoon after our big meal, we all went to Felicity's grave to light another ice candle. We all yelled in unison, "We Love You Felicity!" as we looked up into the evening sky. On the short drive home their was a beautiful pink sunset in the sky which was a lovely reminder of our beautiful daughter.


Kim said...

Rachel, I had a good cry Christmas Eve that made me feel better. It started for really traumatic reasons that I'll blog about soon, but once the situation was resolved I continued to cry until I felt okay. And I get what you said about knowing other people are sad making you feel better. It means you know someone somewhere understands that Christmas is the happiest time of year, except when it's not. It is nice to know you are not alone in the not category.

Sara said...

Still praying for you Rachel:) I hear you on the crying. My kids have said I bet God collects 2 gallons of your tears every day. Yikes! He hears your cries and collects those tears. Have you seen the one year book of Hope. It is a great devotional by Nancie Guthrie. It is excellent. Praying for you right now!