Sunday, June 14, 2009

Mental Health Day

We had a LONG day yesterday in the cities, car shopping and visiting with my parents for my dad's birthday and when we got home I went to bed early. When I woke up this morning, I felt fine. We ate breakfast and I did a few things, but then while I was in the shower, I just felt this overwhelming sadness and I started to cry. And then I couldn't stop.

So back to bed I went. I didn't really get out of bed until an hour or so ago.

This doesn't happen to me often. Paul doesn't quite understand it when it happens and it's very hard for me to communicate what I'm feeling when I'm in the thick of it.

I miss my babies. Paul took down the baby gate at the top of the stairs today. That wouldn't have happened if Felicity were here. If Jeremiah were here, I'd be feeling lots of movement and eager anticipation for his due date in Oct.

I feel broken. Instead of my body being a haven for growing babies, it's a place where babies die. It's really hard to like my body when it has betrayed me in the cruelest way.

I think these feelings are normal. They're not fun, but I think they ARE normal. It's what I do with these feelings that's most important. And right now I'm struggling with that part too.

6 comments:

Molly Koop said...

My prayer for you is that tomorrow you will find joy in the lives that your babies have lived in your womb, even if only for a short time. What a loving, warm, safe place for your children to know their mother so intimately. It is your womb that the Lord chose for your children to live their lives. Feel blessed by that--tomorrow is a new day.
Molly

Sara said...

Oh Rachel,
I so relate to feeling like my body betrayed me too. I kind of feel like I failed my family. I was supposed to bring them a beautiful baby home, but couldn't do it. So hard. I will be praying for you...today I almost choked on my communion wine because I was crying so hard... not a pretty sight. I am praying for the Lord to bring more healing each new day for you. My heart is with you Rachel... I wish I could give you a great big hug and cry with you. God will sustain us through each really rough day as well as carry us through the somewhat easier days.

Praying for you right now.
Sara

Megan said...

Oh Rachel...you are so sweet and tender, and such a blessing to share the reality of the losses. Thank you for being so transparent! Please know that as God leads, I am praying for you. For ALL that you need prayer for.
There aren't always words. But I choose to meditate on this....

they are in paradise! period.

i like thinking about that. thinking about that ALOT!

Please know I am here. We need eachother to pray. it keeps us strong and focused on the only good thing in all of this:

KING JESUS!

Tonya said...

Dear Rachel,

My heart breaks for you. I'm sorry you're struggling....it seems never ending to me. Some days are better than others, but the good ones are still a struggle. I, too, feel very betrayed by my body. Instead of bringing life into this world, I brought death into this world....worse yet, death lived inside of me through my precious baby boy who was alive one minute and gone the next. It is so hard to understand (I'm not sure we ever will). It is hard for me to live with this every day. I long to be "normal" again, yet I know I never will. A new normal, yes, but not much different from my old normal, except learning to live with grief and the absence of Grady. I know God is here and I know He loves me. Yet at times He seems so far from me. I'm praying that today is a better day for you....that the pain won't be so raw and stabbing, but that it will be managable and more subtle. Missing Felicity and Jeremiah with you...

Love,
Tonya

Ebe said...

Praying for you. Missing your babies with you tonight. I wish this was easier...

love,
ebe

alexandersmommy said...

Be kind to yourself and do whatever you need to do to make it through the day. I'll be thinking of you.