Today marks Felicity's 5 month heaven day. I thought I would try to sum up what five months of grief looks like. The disclaimer is that grief is SOOO different for every person. What I feel and think may be the exact opposite of someone else after five months.
I have mostly good days now. Every once in awhile I have a crying spell, brought on by Felicity's pictures, a sad song, or a tough day with the boys. Whatever the reason, crying for awhile always seems to make me feel better and have a fresh perspective.
There's still days though that my life feels surreal. Was I really hugely pregnant only five months ago? (A quick look in the mirror after my shower is a good reminder that it did happen - my body still has the look of pregnancy. It's been a lot harder to lose weight without a nursing newborn!) Sometimes I think back to those first few days and weeks and wonder how I survived. I know now I was in shock for many weeks.
I never dealt with depression after Felicity's death, but a have had a few days where I just feel like shutting down. Last Sunday was one of those days. After eating breakfast, I decided to just go back to bed and sleep. I stayed in bed for three hours at least before I finally just forced myself to get up. Paul didn't seem to understand this behavior and was really worried. Until we talked about it, I think his impression was that since I was having mostly good days that I wouldn't have any more bad days. That's not how grief affects me. I think because I have so many good days, grief can sneaks up on me and then pounces without warning some days or even some moments. Any type of stress makes me feel grief-stricken.
Things that have helped me incredibly these past five months include so many things. The local Moms-In-Depth Bible study group (of which I am not even a part of) has been bring us a meal every Monday since the beginning of Dec. This has been a huge blessing for our family! Mondays can be especially difficult for me as Felicity was born on a Monday and Mondays are full of my memories of that difficult day. All the prayers of so many have been the reason we've been doing so well these past five months. And the support of other moms who've lost babies has been the greatest blessing for me. Hearing your stories and knowing I'm not alone in my grief has touched me in the deepest way. I don't know how I would've survived without blogging and the connections I've made with other moms. I started blogging back in August, thinking it would be a good way to keep friends and family updated on the boys lives and the new baby coming. Only God knew then what a lifeline it would be for me in the months to come.
I know the months ahead will continue to be full of hills and valleys. I will continue to depend on God each day for strength to endure until Heaven.