Monday, March 30, 2009

Six Months Ago

Dearest Felicity,

Six months ago today was the day I thought I'd finally meet you. I was past my due date and we had planned a natural induction for that day. We still didn't know if you were Felicity Faith or Caleb John. I was so excited to meet you and I was hoping you were a girl, but I'm ashamed to say that at that point I was more excited to be done being pregnant. If only I had known, I would have cherished those extra days with you all the more.

My midwife and her assistant arrived and our busy day began. We tried all the options available including sweeping my membranes, castor oil, and homeopathy. I did go into labor and was dilated to 4cm, but by the next morning labor had stopped. We decided to just wait at that point, at least for a few days.

Did you know, sweet girl, that you were just days away from meeting your Lord? I like to think that you stayed that extra week inside of me, to be near me as long as you could. I just wish I had known!

I think back to when I was 12 weeks pregnant and ended up in the emergency room after having a weird sensation, like I was losing you. After four long hours of waiting and tests, all was deemed fine. I wonder now if what I felt was you moving around so much that that's when the umbilical cord got knotted.

I wondered too about the exact time that you died. I like to think it was while I was sleeping during the hours before you were born. I hope that you drifted off to sleep only to wake up in Jesus' arms. I never felt you struggle, so I truly hope it was peaceful. I hate the thought of you in pain.

I'm learning so much from you not being here, Felicity girl. I hate that! I hate to think that your death was the only way for me to learn these things. But at least some good is coming from all this pain. I'd hate to have it be all for nothing.

I'm learning to be a better wife and a better mommy to your brothers. I'm learning patience and to treasure each day and each moment rather than things. I'm learning to give up control, because I'm really not in control anyway. I'm learning to live in the present instead of always looking to what's ahead.

Other people are changing too, because of you! I've had friends tell me that they're learning to change their negative thoughts and behaviors, because they now realize how fragile life is. Your short life continues to impact others!

And now you have a baby brother with you in Heaven. I prayed and asked God to tell us whether our baby was a boy or a girl. God answered that prayer and told us that his name is Jeremiah Daniel. We look forward to meeting him and holding you both again in Heaven. What a wonderful day that will be! Take care of each other until then. Mommy and Daddy miss you so much and will always miss you. You are a precious gift to us!

Love you,
Mommy

8 comments:

Persuaded said...

((♥))

Sara said...

Rachel,
I wonder so many fo the same thoughts about Samuel. I had a good thought, it was fleeting, but it was there for a moment... that I feel like I will look back on this time and all I have learned with such an appreciation for the richness in my life because of Samuel and losing him. I know that will be true someday but right now, honestly I just wish he was here in my arms. But we will keep moving forward still loving and cherishing the special time we did have with Felicity and Samuel. I am feeling for you today. I think that is so neat what you said about your other child being Jeremiah. Precious. Sending you hugs from Oklahoma.
Sara

April Z said...

I'm praying for you, Rachel. ((hugs))

Jennifer Ross said...

I remember being miserable when I was pregnant with Isaiah. I was so uncomfortable. If I had known, I would have cherished every week I had.

Amy said...

Oh, six months....
Hope you're doing okay.
You're in my prayers always...

Sharleen said...

Thinking of you Rachel. You and Felicity are never far from my mind. (((hugs)))

joolee said...

Very well written.

I love that your blog keeps me up to date on how you're doing/what you're feeling. You are always in my prayers as well. Love you.

Heather of the EO said...

Beautifully written. It's true, your stories and others DO make me hold tighter to the moments, appreciate life so much more, and remind me of MUCH BIGGER things that I can't comprehend.

Peace to you,
Heather