Monday, July 13, 2009

"How are you doing?"

This is a question I keep hearing a lot lately as we've shared the news of baby #5 with family and friends. It is still such a loaded question, but I'm learning to deal with it. Do people mean pregnancy-wise, in relation to grief, or how we feel about this antigen/antibody issue?

So, how am I doing, you ask?

I'm doing okay.

Pregnancy-wise, this time around hasn't been as hard as Elijah or Felicity's pregnancies. The progesterone shots that Paul gives me twice a week helps a lot with the nausea and overall first trimester ickiness. It's a catch 22 though. Any pregnancy symptom, however uncomfortable, is a relief. When I'm feeling good I start to worry that something has happened to this baby. I have an appointment on Friday afternoon with Dr. B. I'm praying she will be able to easily find a heartbeat. That will be such a relief. Thankfully Paul will be with me if she can't.

I'm still so concerned I'm going to lose this baby! It's on my mind constantly so I'm trying to quote verses about not being afraid and not worrying. Before I lost Jeremiah, I hoped that he would be born, but in my heart of hearts I was prepared for a miscarriage. I was constantly checking to see if I was spotting or bleeding. I'm farther along with this baby, going on 12 weeks, but I think it's going to be a fear I deal with most of this pregnancy. I see so much suffering now in the world. It's always been there but it wasn't real to me until I was a part of it.

As for the antigen/antibody issue, I feel like I'm preparing myself for the news that this baby has the antigen. I know God can do anything, but I think it's easier for me to assume the worst than to hope for the best and be disappointed. Does that make sense?

I keep reminding myself how special this baby is regardless of the length of his/her life. I'm hoping to be able to give this baby a name that captures how thankful we are for him/her no matter what happens. Life begins at conception, not when baby is born!

So did I answer your question?


Shannon said...

It's hard to know how to answer those questions, isn't it? Especially when you have so much going on that they COULD be asking about? I would say the best way to determine is HOW they ask you the question, you know? Sometimes you can tell by the tone in their voice if they're asking in a comforting way (which would indicate they are asking how you're doing with either the grief or the antigen issue) or just an overall "Sooo, how ARE you doing?" (which would indicate just a general).

I've gotten into the habit of saying "Well, that depends. Which aspect of my life are you asking about?"

Heidi said...

I like the generic..its a day by day thing... then if they want to know more they will ask and if they don't, they will leave it.

I know you and Paul enjoy Christian films and now that you are pregnant I would HIGHLY advise watching Facing the Giants again (I'm sure you've probably already seen it).

Preparing the fields changed my entire attitude towards my pregnancy with Kylee.

Because, be honest...will you be less upset or heartbroken if you pray for the best but expect the worse?

Always praying for you,


Jennifer Ross said...

Yes, you make sense. A while back you left a comment on my blog about grieving over my unborn child. You had said that after all that had happened, and the problems that I had, I am naturally going to grieve this child until I am holding him in my arms. I think that after loosing a child, you see how fragile life is, and you do not want to go "there" ever again. God is good, and I know that you know that. His plan is already written. So try to relax, and enjoy every day that He gives you with this child. It's hard, but there isn't any other positive way to do it.


Anonymous said...

praying for you and your new little one daily.


Sara said...

Wow, 12 weeks. That is great. I continue to pray for you sweet friend. Keep resting in His sustaining arms. Love from OK.

Ebe said...

This was such a good post. I know I hate the 'how are yous' (and I'm not even pregnant again), but I feel like the times people ignore me are even worse, you know? It seems a lose-lose situation.
We care about you and little baby too. Praying and hoping with you.