Dreamin'

I had a dream last night that Caleb had been born.


All 7lbs. 14oz and two weeks early. He was tiny compared to my other babies. But oh so sweet and perfectly healthy.


In the dream I changed him a few times and nursed him a couple times and it was LOVELY!


The dream also involved moving to a older house which had double pane windows (I wish!)and little minnows with legs that crawled all around my feet like mice (eww!)


But hey, I'll take what I can get!

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I'm still trying to work on that vacation post, but Blogger is not liking me uploading pictures these days, so we'll see if it ever gets posted!


Have a great week!


Blessings,

Been Busy

I've been busy lately....

homeschooling,

cooking and baking,

wiping Elijah's nose,

getting mad at the chickens for repeatedly digging up our new landscaping,

lamenting the falling snow and lack of fall weather,

running errands and going to doctor's appointments,

praying for friends who are newly expecting babies after losing a baby,

praying for friends who are due to have babies soon, after having lost a baby,

praying for friends who are anticipating the anniversary of their babies' death,

watching movies late into the night with my hubby,

reading blogs but not commenting because I don't have time,

and going through clothes and packing away summer stuff.

Hopefully I'll come up with something witty or interesting to write about soon.


Blessings,

Caleb's 24 Week MCA Scan

Just a quick post to let you know that Caleb's scan yesterday went great! He had no sign of fluid building up in his body (hydrops), which can be a concern with HDFN (Hemolytic Disease of the Fetus or Newborn and the blood flow in his Middle Cerebral Artery was normal, far below the point where anemia would suspected.

We will continue on a two week schedule seeing as how he is doing so well. He was also head down yesterday, which is a first for these scans. They give us tons of pictures every scan, but I've been bad about posting them. I'll try to get some up soon.

We're all stuffed up here in MN. Elijah's been struggling with a cold all week. Anyone have any good ideas for teaching a three year old how to effectively blow his nose? I'm seriously considering one of those bulb syringes they use on babies, if I thought we could hold him down to do it without hurting him.

And to top it all off, we just had our first snow last night (yep, snow in Oct. in MN!) and poor kid thinks he's going to be going outside today to play in it. But it's only 26 degrees right now and he was outside all afternoon yesterday with my dad.

I'm off to spend the day winterizing our beds and stuff, while Paul is hopefully able to winterize the lawn mower, four-wheeler, tractor and chickens. I'm also hoping to do a bunch of cooking to get a head start on the week. Should be a busy day.

Thanks to you all who took the time to watch the video of Felicity's first birthday. I am very glad with how it turned out and that it brought many of you joy versus sadness. While earthly life without her is sad, eternal life with her will be beyond anything I can imagine.

Blessings,

One Year Photo Montage

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

One Year of Missing Felicity

Thanks to those of you who remembered today was Felicity's one year Heavenly birthday. Your thoughts, cards, prayers, and flowers (Thanks Molly and family!) are a blessing to us. Like many of you have said, the anticipation of today was harder than the actual day.

I did have some very weepy days/moments last week and on Sunday when we celebrated Felicity's short life, but today was good. The boys and I went down to the cities (Minneapolis/St. Paul for those of you who don't know MN) and went out to lunch and to the Minnesota History Museum for a field trip. I knew it would be important for me to be out of the house today, especially since it's been overcast and rainy here for the past 5 days, which has impacted my mood.

On Sunday, we visited Felicity's grave after church. For those of you who don't know, we attend a small country church and Felicity is buried in the church cemetery right next to the church. My parents came up on Saturday and my aunt joined us on Sunday. They were the only ones who got to see and hold Felicity besides Paul, the boys, and me. After visiting Felicity's grave and taking some photos, we went out for lunch. I was hoping to go hiking after that, but the weather was too rainy, so we headed back to our house.

While waiting for the rain to clear, we sang "Happy Birthday" to Felicity and enjoyed some cupcakes made in her honor. Normally for birthdays around here I make cakes, so I thought cupcakes would be something different and special. There were many tears on my part during this time and it was incredibly sad to see Ethan break down too. He hasn't cried over Felicity since the day before her memorial service when we watched the photo montage our NILMDTS photographer made for us. It breaks my heart all over again to see him missing her so much. All I could do was hold him and tell him that it was okay to cry.

After waiting for the rain to clear up, we were finally able to release balloons in honor of Felicity and Jeremiah. I was stressed out because I didn't think the weather was going to clear up enough to do so, but God provided some beautiful blue sky for us at just the right time.

I haven't yet gone through all of Felicity's things, though I plan to soon. The thought of doing so doesn't bear so much pain as it did a week ago. I'm sure there will still be tears, but I'm not afraid of them.

I'm working on a montage of photos taken over the past year that have to do with Felicity. I hope to have it up in a day or two.

We miss her so much but I am continually reminded that "in His presence is fullness of joy." She is complete in every way as she worships her maker in Heaven. What a joy it will be to be there with her someday!

A Lot of Rambling

It's been a busy week since returning home from Copper Harbor, MI where we vacationed.

My emotions have been busy, as has life.

We've got so many things to get done around the house before winter sets in. Here in MN, that could happen anytime from October on. When I woke up this morning, Paul had turned the heat on before leaving for work since it was a balmy 27 degrees outside. I'm wondering what survived in the garden since I didn't know it was going to frost and nothing was covered.

Anyway, we decided last week to finally go ahead and start redoing our front entry landscaping. It's been a big frustration for me what with weeds and other plants that have taken over. It did not look inviting. So with coupon in hand, we've been hanging out at the local landscaping nursery, planning our "new look." I tease Paul that last Christmas he gave me "cabinet jewelry" and this year I'm getting "lawn jewelry." I wonder if this counts as an anniversary, birthday, or early Christmas gift. Hopefully on Saturday we'll be putting our new look in.

Speaking (or writing) of new looks, the other day in a fit of personal frustration with my own current look or lack thereof, I spent too much time trying to find a new blog template. It wasn't fun, but I like this new one and it was free, unlike a brand new wardrobe and hairdo.

Now as for emotions, I'm doing okay. I spent some extra time on Saturday crying in the shower. I just felt overwhelmed with missing Felicity and struggling to find sense in the past year. We've had many positive changes in our family since losing Felicity, but it's often hard to see the big picture impact. I realize I may never see a big picture impact, but I don't want the pain we've gone through in the last year to be meaningless either.

Since Saturday, I've been doing okay emotionally. Today though the tears are back and I'm just at a loss to describe how I feel. I don't feel hopeless or depressed or angry, just sad, I guess. I'm so thankful we have Caleb to look forward to and my heart aches for my grieving mommy friends who are facing anniversaries of their babies' deaths without the hope that a new baby brings. But there's still sadness. There probably always will be, I guess.

I'm struggling with the idea of going through Felicity's pictures, video, cards, and clothing. I had always planned on doing it on her birthday, but the thought of it now is overwhelming. And yet, it's something I really need to do. I think I need to go through it all and have a really good cry and then maybe I'll actually feel better. It's been awhile since I've relived that day in my thoughts. I remember when there were days, it was all I could think of, especially while trying to fall asleep at night.

I'm sure you'd love to read more of my ramblings, but there's so much to do today. I need to try to bring in all our pumpkins and acorn squash, if they survived. We have school to do which has been taking more and more time each day and I need to get out the boys' warmer clothes now that the weather has officially turned. Plus I have to go pay for our new landscaping plants and we have AWANA tonight, which makes the afternoon quite crazy.

As always, thank you for your prayers. May God bless you all!

Almost Here

Only 10 days until Felicity's one year Heaven Day.

Just like the fog outside this morning, I've been feeling the sadness building. There were many times during our trip that I missed her and realized we probably wouldn't be vacationing had she lived.

In fact so many things about our lives would be different.

It's hard not to think about those things.

Biggest thing on my mind lately is imaging what she'd be like as a one year old. Would she be walking yet? Would she be sweet and gentle or rough and tumble in order to survive two older brothers? What color would her eyes be? Would her hair be curly like Elijah's?

Oh, how I miss her!

I've been thinking for months now how we would celebrate her birthday and as it gets closer, I find it hard to plan. I want to honor her memory, but honestly, sometimes it hurts too much to think about trying to have a party for someone who's not here. Add to that the fact that Jeremiah's due date is only three days after Felicity's birthday and I'm not sure how I'm going to handle the next two weeks or so.

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UPDATE ON CALEB:

We had our 22 week MCA scan and growth scan yesterday. We're happy to report that Caleb's scans have been going so well and his numbers are so good, that we don't have to go back for two weeks!

Blessings,