Wednesday, September 30, 2009

A Lot of Rambling

It's been a busy week since returning home from Copper Harbor, MI where we vacationed.

My emotions have been busy, as has life.

We've got so many things to get done around the house before winter sets in. Here in MN, that could happen anytime from October on. When I woke up this morning, Paul had turned the heat on before leaving for work since it was a balmy 27 degrees outside. I'm wondering what survived in the garden since I didn't know it was going to frost and nothing was covered.

Anyway, we decided last week to finally go ahead and start redoing our front entry landscaping. It's been a big frustration for me what with weeds and other plants that have taken over. It did not look inviting. So with coupon in hand, we've been hanging out at the local landscaping nursery, planning our "new look." I tease Paul that last Christmas he gave me "cabinet jewelry" and this year I'm getting "lawn jewelry." I wonder if this counts as an anniversary, birthday, or early Christmas gift. Hopefully on Saturday we'll be putting our new look in.

Speaking (or writing) of new looks, the other day in a fit of personal frustration with my own current look or lack thereof, I spent too much time trying to find a new blog template. It wasn't fun, but I like this new one and it was free, unlike a brand new wardrobe and hairdo.

Now as for emotions, I'm doing okay. I spent some extra time on Saturday crying in the shower. I just felt overwhelmed with missing Felicity and struggling to find sense in the past year. We've had many positive changes in our family since losing Felicity, but it's often hard to see the big picture impact. I realize I may never see a big picture impact, but I don't want the pain we've gone through in the last year to be meaningless either.

Since Saturday, I've been doing okay emotionally. Today though the tears are back and I'm just at a loss to describe how I feel. I don't feel hopeless or depressed or angry, just sad, I guess. I'm so thankful we have Caleb to look forward to and my heart aches for my grieving mommy friends who are facing anniversaries of their babies' deaths without the hope that a new baby brings. But there's still sadness. There probably always will be, I guess.

I'm struggling with the idea of going through Felicity's pictures, video, cards, and clothing. I had always planned on doing it on her birthday, but the thought of it now is overwhelming. And yet, it's something I really need to do. I think I need to go through it all and have a really good cry and then maybe I'll actually feel better. It's been awhile since I've relived that day in my thoughts. I remember when there were days, it was all I could think of, especially while trying to fall asleep at night.

I'm sure you'd love to read more of my ramblings, but there's so much to do today. I need to try to bring in all our pumpkins and acorn squash, if they survived. We have school to do which has been taking more and more time each day and I need to get out the boys' warmer clothes now that the weather has officially turned. Plus I have to go pay for our new landscaping plants and we have AWANA tonight, which makes the afternoon quite crazy.

As always, thank you for your prayers. May God bless you all!


Sharleen said...

How exciting to be putting new landscaping in...well once you've made all your decisions on what to buy and where to put it.
I really think it will help going through Felicity's things. I found it very difficult leading up to the anniversary date and really allowed myself to "go there" on the day itself. It was difficult, but I felt some relief (not sure if that is the "right" word to use)the next day. And while it still hurts and, yes, always will there was something about going over that hurdle of one year I can't quite explain. Praying and thinking of you, Rachel!

Tonya said...

Dear Rachel,

I quite enjoyed your ramblings. You have been on my heart and in my thoughts and prayers as Felicity's one year heaven day is quickly approaching. I'll pray that God will give you the courage and strength to go through her things and that you will find peace amidst the sadness that day. Any special plans of how you're going to celebrate and honor her that day? If so, please do share.

I love your new blog look. I'm not crazy about mine, but it does take so much time to find just the right thing.

Praying for you sweet friend.


Shannon said...

Hey Rach! I just wanted to let you know that I check your blog everyday. I love reading about what is going on in the family. I miss you guys so much! Hopefully I will see you all soon. Love you and praying for you =]

The Three 22nds said...

we are just finishing up our landscaping...lots of work, but kind of fun!

We should get the boys together sometime...

THAT's interesting said...

Hi, Rachel,
I have read your blog for a while and decided to comment! I love the new look your blog has! You can stop by my blog at:
I am praying for you and Caleb. Emily

Sara said...

Oh sweet friend, I feel for you. I just want to wrap my arms around you. I wish I could be there to hug you and miss Felicity and Samuel together. I think with their birthdays being so close I am feeling so many of the same things. It is so hard. I am finding myself just dreading the day, and also a little afraid of "going there" and really reliving the day. The brief thoughts I have about it so often are bad enough. I am a little afraid of it setting me off. I am so happy that you have Caleb to look forward to, I am not sure I will ever get pregnant... that adds to my questions.

OK enough about me. You are on my heart and mind and I am praying for you so much. Praying for that precious little boy you are carrying. And also praying for Felicity's day to be all you need it to be to continue healing and to honor the lift of your precious girl. She was so blessed to have you as her mommy.
Sending love from OK:)