I've been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days (in between all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, schooling, and 2 yr. old potty breaks). It's taken me a few days to put together all those thoughts with some coherency. Here's what I've come up with:
I've got a lot of idols in my life.
Kind of goes against that whole "thou shall not make for thyself any idol out of anything. . ." (My six year old has it memorized, but he's sleeping presently and I'm too lazy to set my laptop down and reach four feet away to grab my Bible and type it out verbatim.) Sorry.
Over the years I've had a lot of idols in my life. Things that seemingly are good, but take my focus off of Christ, when I focus on them too much. Those idols have included relationships, security, my home, and more often than not, behaviors that I don't want to give up.
Since Felicity died, my main idol has been having another baby. This idol was initially created because I thought having another baby would take away the pain of losing Felicity. While having another baby does help with healing, it can't take away the pain of missing my daughter. Since my miscarriage, I found myself struggling with this idol again. Chances are, I could get pregnant again very quickly if I wanted to (and boy do I want to), but I know my body needs some time to heal. Waiting is not my game! I'm finally recognizing this desire as an idol. In and of itself, having a baby is a wonderful God-given gift, but if that's my main focus, there is definitely something out of place. I think God is calling me to be patient. He's wanting me to find my contentment in Him first, not in another baby.
True peace and happiness can come only through Christ. We are to be "content with such things as we have." Hebrews 13:5 (Just remembered we have e-sword on our computer - woohoo!) Please pray for me to focus on Christ - to find contentment in Him.