Friday, February 27, 2009

From Anne's House of Dreams

"Time will help you," said Marilla, who was racked with sympathy, but could never learn to express it in other than age-old formulas.

"It doesn't seem fair," said Anne rebelliously. "Babies are born and live where they are not wanted - where they will be neglected - where they will have no chance. I would have loved my baby so - and cared for it so tenderly - and tried to give her every chance for good. And yet I wasn't allowed to keep her."

"It was God's will, Anne," said Marilla, helpless before the riddle of the universe - the why of undeserved pain. "And little Joy is better off."

"I can't believe that," cried Anne bitterly. Then, seeing that Marilla looked shocked, she added passionately, "Why should she be born at all - why should anyone be born at all - if she's better off dead? I don't believe it is better for a child to die at birth than to live its life out - and love and be loved - and enjoy and suffer - and do its work - and develop a character that would give it a personality in eternity. And how do you know it was God's will? Perhaps it was a thwarting of His purpose by the Power of Evil. We can't be expected to be resigned to that."

"Oh, Anne, don't talk so," said Marilla, genuinely alarmed lest Anne were drifting into deep and dangerous waters. "We can't understand - but we must have faith - we must believe that all is for the best. I know you find it hard to think so, just now. But try to be brave - for Gilbert's sake. He's so worried about you. You aren't getting strong as fast as you should."

"Oh, I know I've been very selfish," sighed Anne. "I love Gilbert more than ever - and I want to live for his sake. But it seems as if part of me was buried over there in that little harbour graveyard - and it hurts so much that I'm afraid of life."

"It won't hurt so much always, Anne."

"The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla."

(An excerpt from Anne's House of Dreams written by Lucy Maud Montgomery in 1917. This scene is after the death of Anne's firstborn, Joyce, who dies the day she is born. This storyline was inspired by the stillbirth of Lucy Maud's second born son, Hugh Alexander MacDonald on August 13, 1914)


Heidi said...

Wow....that's all I can

Jennifer Ross said...

The part that hit me the most was when she said that a part of herself was buried in the grave with her child.

I was in bed this morning staring at the clock thinking about every little part of Isaiah. His little feet and toes were all that kept running through my head.

I personally can't say that it has gotten any easier for me, just easier to hide it from others.

~thinking about you often~

Sharleen said...

I can relate most of all to this excerpt.

"The thought that it may stop hurting sometimes hurts me worse than all else, Marilla."

Anonymous said...

I read House of Dreams over again recently and I still cry over that chapter (I've probably read the book a dozen times in my life)! Writing that chapter must have been healing to Lucy. Have you seen this:
More hope/medical protocol for umbilical cord accident bereft moms/dads. Praying for you!