Sunday, October 12, 2008

No Words

Can hardly believe yesterday (the memorial service and burial) is over. Feels so surreal today; going through sympathy cards and gifts and trying to reestablish some order to our messy, chaotic household. Did this past week really happen? Did I just give birth 6 days ago? Did we really bury our daughter yesterday?

As the days progress, I'm sure most of my posts will be about Felicity and our grief. I find that blogging has indeed taken place of writing in my journal. It helps so much to write out what I'm feeling and even Paul can go back and read my thoughts.

We're trying to take time each day to "debrief" each other on how we're both feeling. It's been hard to even get that done lately, with all the planning we had to do. And yet, so much was taken care of for us. Our church family did so much! They had a meal for everyone after the service and played the music during the service. A friend even videoed and made us audio tapes of the service and we didn't even know he was going to do it. We are so blessed.

Two things that Paul and I will really need to work on as the days, weeks, and months pass are:

1) Understanding that each of us will grieve differently.

2) Don't contemplate "what if..." thoughts b/c they inhibit healing.

Thankfully, Ethan is starting to grieve a little. On Friday, we picked up the CD of pictures from the photographer who came to the hospital. She also gave us a DVD of the pictures. They are amazing and I hope to post the video on here soon. While watching it, Ethan wouldn't come into the room, but I noticed him watching from the dining room. Soon he was on the floor and his face said it all as to how he was feeling. I went over and sat on the floor and pulled him into my arms. Immediately he started sobbing. I'm crying now just thinking about it. I told him again that Felicity is in heaven and it's okay to cry and miss her. It's okay to feel happy one minute and sad the next, but if he's feeling sad, he needs to let it out. I also explained to him that what happened to Felicity is very rare (tightly knotted umbilical cord) and it wouldn't happen to the next baby we have. Maybe it's wrong for me to make assurances to him like this, but he needs to have that. I fear it's going to be very hard for him to get excited the next time if he doesn't feel secure.
Please continue your prayers! It's been such a balm to us knowing all the people who are praying, some of them we've never even met. Praise God for the body of believers!
The picture at the top of this post is the painting that was hanging in my hospital room. It makes me think of Felicity in heaven. The artist is June Dudley.


Karla said...

Rachel- still praying for you.

Sharleen said...

I got the comment you left on my blog and it just breaks my heart to know that someone else is having to go through losing their child. Felicity is so beautiful. I love the meaning of her name. I wish I could give you a big hug as I know how much it hurts. I pray that God's peace rests on you and your family.


Jenny said...

Oh, Felicity is beautiful. Just perfect.

And the picture that was in your hospital room! Stunning!

I am praying for you, every time God brings you to mind.

Thanks for updating the blog. It helps me know how to pray.

melissa said...


You don't know me, but we had the same midwife and she gave me your blog address. We lost our baby boy in much the same way you lost Felicity, 3 years ago. I just wanted to say how sad I am for you all! I just cried when I got off the phone with our midwife, and we prayed for your family at our Bible study group tonight. My daughter was 6 when Matthias died and my heart just aches for your oldest boy. It's so difficult to know how to help an older child in their grief while you're in the midst of such deep grief yourself. Your faith seems strong, and I'm glad you are able to grieve with hope. I am praying for you!! I will give you a call, if that's still something you're interested in. Our midwife did give me your number, but if you aren't ready for that yet, I do understand.

With tears, Melissa Mailly