I miss my baby! I feel so incomplete without her! Pray for me! I didn't sleep well last night for the first night since Felicity's death. I had dreams of other moms losing their babies.
I had to go to the dentist yesterday and have a cavity filled. Driving the 30+ miles to get there was my first time driving and my first time alone since Felicity died. I blasted the Christian radio station to fill the silence, but of course many of the songs had a line or more that made me cry. The scripture about "praying without ceasing" has taken on a whole new meaning for me. My thoughts are a constant conversation with God and despite the sadness I feel, I can hear God talking to me like never before.
The dentist read my chart and congratulated me on my new baby. I have played in out in my mind different ways to deal with situations like these. Do I say that I had a little girl and not tell about what happened or do I risk being vulnerable in front of people and say what actually happened. I want to acknowledge Felicity in every way possible, and so far, I've yet to just say that I had a little girl. I told the dentist she was stillborn and would you believe, the dentist shed a few tears with me! I may have even gotten a little extra Novocaine out of the whole deal as having my tooth drilled was so easy!
After the dentist, I picked up my mom and we went to the thrift store to find me a few skirts or pants so I'd have enough clothes that fit for our trip. (We're heading down to KY to the Creation Museum) Shopping for clothes has never seemed so pointless. It's usually a fun activity, especially when the boys aren't with (they don't appreciate shopping), but it was just a chore this time. We went out for a late lunch (eating has become a chore too for the most part) and had a good chance to talk about what happened and how we were each feeling. It's been hard to talk details of what happened with the boys around when we're together. I cried at the restaurant too, but I don't really care anymore. My only concern about crying is whether or not I have kleenex nearby.
Well, I could ramble a whole lot more if I wanted to, but I've got a ton of packing and laundry to do, so I'd better get off the couch. Pray for safety for our trip and for sanity in being in the car for so long. Pray Elijah sleeps in the car a lot!