Thursday, October 23, 2008

Raining Tears

I miss my baby! I feel so incomplete without her! Pray for me! I didn't sleep well last night for the first night since Felicity's death. I had dreams of other moms losing their babies.

I had to go to the dentist yesterday and have a cavity filled. Driving the 30+ miles to get there was my first time driving and my first time alone since Felicity died. I blasted the Christian radio station to fill the silence, but of course many of the songs had a line or more that made me cry. The scripture about "praying without ceasing" has taken on a whole new meaning for me. My thoughts are a constant conversation with God and despite the sadness I feel, I can hear God talking to me like never before.

The dentist read my chart and congratulated me on my new baby. I have played in out in my mind different ways to deal with situations like these. Do I say that I had a little girl and not tell about what happened or do I risk being vulnerable in front of people and say what actually happened. I want to acknowledge Felicity in every way possible, and so far, I've yet to just say that I had a little girl. I told the dentist she was stillborn and would you believe, the dentist shed a few tears with me! I may have even gotten a little extra Novocaine out of the whole deal as having my tooth drilled was so easy!

After the dentist, I picked up my mom and we went to the thrift store to find me a few skirts or pants so I'd have enough clothes that fit for our trip. (We're heading down to KY to the Creation Museum) Shopping for clothes has never seemed so pointless. It's usually a fun activity, especially when the boys aren't with (they don't appreciate shopping), but it was just a chore this time. We went out for a late lunch (eating has become a chore too for the most part) and had a good chance to talk about what happened and how we were each feeling. It's been hard to talk details of what happened with the boys around when we're together. I cried at the restaurant too, but I don't really care anymore. My only concern about crying is whether or not I have kleenex nearby.

Well, I could ramble a whole lot more if I wanted to, but I've got a ton of packing and laundry to do, so I'd better get off the couch. Pray for safety for our trip and for sanity in being in the car for so long. Pray Elijah sleeps in the car a lot!


Amy said...

Oh Rachel. I'm so unbelievably heartbroken for you. I just can't imagine what you're going through and how you're dealing with it all.
Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers big time! If you need anything at all--and I mean it--please let me know.

Really Rachel, I'm just heartbroken for you.

Kirsten said...

Sweet Rachel,

My heart breaks for your loss. Your precious Felicity is beautiful. Our daughter Chloe has been in Heaven for 6 months and I bet she was at the gates to welcome Felicity. They are playing, laughing, and enjoying Heaven and Jesus together. They are happy and whole in His arms.

Although that brings comfort, I know that it does not fill your empty arms. I pray that God's comfort and peace will surround you each moment. You are not alone in this journey. Please continue to share your heart and your feelings through the blog. It is such a blessing.

Felicity's short life and her story is important. Thank you for sharing her with us.


Anonymous said...

My dearest Rachel,
I feel such a pit in my stomach when I think of you going through each day and facing ordinary life, with ordinary people who HAVE NO IDEA what you are going through. I find myself not even breathing when I read your words. Oh my dear precious one, this is so hard for you and Paul. What can I do? I am here when you need me. I hope to see you next Thursday. Debbie will come with me. But in the meantime, have a good vacation. Its a great choice of a spot. You'll see amazing evidence of God's handiwork. Your faith will be built up. In spite of it all, we can trust Him. M