Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Weakness or Sorrow?

I have to admit, the last three nights in a row, I've prayed that God would take the last 15 days (or however many he wanted to take) and make them just a dream. I prayed I would wake up and be pregnant again; my baby warm, safe, and ALIVE inside me. I promised God I'd do things differently. I wouldn't complain about the aches and pains of pregnancy, I'd revel in them! Of course, I believe God is sovereign, but I also believe He could do this. He could give me my baby back.

Some moments in the day, when I'm busy wiping noses, preparing food, doing school with Ethan, I forget for a moment what happened. Then suddenly I feel like I've been kicked in the gut and there's this deep hollow ache inside my body. It hurts so bad! Will I always feel this way, whenever I remember Felicity? I've done a ton of reading on the subject already, and everyone says that the intense feelings will fade.

We've gotten some pictures of Felicity developed and we're working on a collage frame. I want to see her face everywhere in our home. Some people might think that's weird, but I need to feel her close. That's all I have.

A friend gave us a special gift of money to be used toward something to remember Felicity by. We're going to put her birthstone (pink!) in my mothers necklace and we are going to order that painting from June Dudley that I posted about in an earlier entry. Paul actually talked to June yesterday and told her our story and she's going to personalize the painting with whatever we want!

Yesterday we went and ordered Felicity's headstone. Unfortunately, the granite company that makes them, shuts down around the 1st of Nov. due to the cold weather. So they probably won't even start working on her headstone until March and it won't get placed until May. We went to the cemetery on Saturday and saw her grave again. I know she's not there, just her body, but it still feels good to be "close" to her. Someone has been keeping the flowers alive on her grave. This morning it's incredibly cold, so they've probably died. I hate the idea of snow covering her grave in another month or two without a way to identify it.

We're planning on taking off later this week for a family vacation. Right now Paul's working half days from home and then next week he'll take the whole week for bereavement leave. We need to get away and make some memories with the boys. Pray for safe travel and family closeness.
We are so thankful for all your prayers. By the power of the Holy Spirit, we are making it through each day. I'm sleeping well, no nightmares. Pray for better sleep for Paul and Elijah. Elijah has gone back to waking multiple times during the night and usually ends up in our bed by about 4 am. That's been interesting. Thankfully he's been sleeping until 7 or 7:30. Please pray that the boys transition well with daylight savings, and don't start getting up an hour earlier.


joolee said...

I'm so sorry I haven't responded to all of your recent posts. The evidence of your faith in your writing has left me speechless. You are so strong! You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers and many who have heard your story are praying and asking about you as well. I never thought about having to do "the firsts" until you wrote about it. Hopefully, you've already trudged through those awkward and painful situations. If you guys are spending any of your vacation up here and would like to visit, we'd love to see you again. Let us know. I'll try to call soon. Love...

Anonymous said...

I missed hearing your voice at my last phone call, but reading your posting here, gives me a window on your soul. I am amazed that you are writing your thoughts down for those who deeply care for you. I treasure them and I am certain they minister to so many. I also have asked God to erase the past weeks. I know he could, and yet I ponder the reasons why He simply won't, and it aches. But I'm glad you're going on a vacation. Taking special time to laugh and love will refresh you. Give Paul a squeeze for me too. OK? M

Kim said...

Rachel, thank you for posting. I don't know how you do it, and wonder if I could do the same under those circumstances. I might not.

Thank you for giving us specific things to pray for, things we can add to our daily "God, hug Rachel for me" requests.

Shall we?

Heavenly Father, thank you for the gift Rachel has given us, her sharing of Felicity, her sharing of her grief, and her sharing of your love. We don't know why you are taking Rachel, Paul and the boys down this path, but we know you know, and that is enough for now.

Surrounded by darkness tonight I know Father that there is a chance Rachel, Paul or one of the boys is awake. Bring comfort in the silence and the darkness Lord. Bless them with restorative, refreshing sleep, so they can face the days ahead. Grant Elijah especially peace and comfort God as his body figures out how to work with his emotions.

Thank you for employment flexibility and resources God, as Rachel, Paul and the boys get to take some time away together. Grant them joy in the here and now as they work to find what family means since you took Felicity home. Grant them safe travels, and keep those traveling around them safe as well.

Father God you know what it is like to lose a child. Thank you for the gift of your Son, without whom this loses all meaning. And thank you for the gift of Felicity, for the blessing she was to this family from the minute she was created.

Though it goes without saying, be with Rachel, Paul, Ethan and Elijah in the coming days, and give her a hug for me.


Sharleen said...

Thanks for the mascara tip. ;)
I think about and pray for you and your family everyday.(((hugs))) I pray you all are able to enjoy your time together on vacation as a family and make some lasting, happy memories.