I have to admit, the last three nights in a row, I've prayed that God would take the last 15 days (or however many he wanted to take) and make them just a dream. I prayed I would wake up and be pregnant again; my baby warm, safe, and ALIVE inside me. I promised God I'd do things differently. I wouldn't complain about the aches and pains of pregnancy, I'd revel in them! Of course, I believe God is sovereign, but I also believe He could do this. He could give me my baby back.
Some moments in the day, when I'm busy wiping noses, preparing food, doing school with Ethan, I forget for a moment what happened. Then suddenly I feel like I've been kicked in the gut and there's this deep hollow ache inside my body. It hurts so bad! Will I always feel this way, whenever I remember Felicity? I've done a ton of reading on the subject already, and everyone says that the intense feelings will fade.
We've gotten some pictures of Felicity developed and we're working on a collage frame. I want to see her face everywhere in our home. Some people might think that's weird, but I need to feel her close. That's all I have.
A friend gave us a special gift of money to be used toward something to remember Felicity by. We're going to put her birthstone (pink!) in my mothers necklace and we are going to order that painting from June Dudley that I posted about in an earlier entry. Paul actually talked to June yesterday and told her our story and she's going to personalize the painting with whatever we want!
Yesterday we went and ordered Felicity's headstone. Unfortunately, the granite company that makes them, shuts down around the 1st of Nov. due to the cold weather. So they probably won't even start working on her headstone until March and it won't get placed until May. We went to the cemetery on Saturday and saw her grave again. I know she's not there, just her body, but it still feels good to be "close" to her. Someone has been keeping the flowers alive on her grave. This morning it's incredibly cold, so they've probably died. I hate the idea of snow covering her grave in another month or two without a way to identify it.
We're planning on taking off later this week for a family vacation. Right now Paul's working half days from home and then next week he'll take the whole week for bereavement leave. We need to get away and make some memories with the boys. Pray for safe travel and family closeness.
We are so thankful for all your prayers. By the power of the Holy Spirit, we are making it through each day. I'm sleeping well, no nightmares. Pray for better sleep for Paul and Elijah. Elijah has gone back to waking multiple times during the night and usually ends up in our bed by about 4 am. That's been interesting. Thankfully he's been sleeping until 7 or 7:30. Please pray that the boys transition well with daylight savings, and don't start getting up an hour earlier.