Sunday, November 2, 2008

4 Weeks

Tomorrow will mark four weeks since Felicity's death. Thursday will mark one month since her death. Paul goes back to work full-time tomorrow, as in he'll be gone from 5:30 a.m. until 4 p.m. every day. A new president will be elected this week. We plan on going to our first homeschool co-op meeting since Felicity's death. It's going to be quite a week. We're all still struggling with getting enough sleep too. Pray for better sleep and for a smooth transition back into this "new" life.

Yesterday we went to my aunt's wedding. I was thrilled to see her happily wed to a wonderful guy. When I opened the wedding program and saw at the end that she had special flowers in memory of my grandparents, my great aunt, and Felicity, I cried. It meant so much to me that she would think to do that.

On the way to the wedding, we stopped at Michael's to pick up a collage frame we had made. It has three sepia photos of Felicity along with a handmade card a friend from church made with her name on it. It turned out beautifully. I can't wait to hang it in the living room where I can see her everyday.

Ethan's grieving more. He's talking about Felicity a little more and on Friday night he woke up crying. When I went into his room, he was half asleep still and when I asked him what was wrong, he simply said, "I'm sad about Felicity." I laid between he and Elijah for a few minutes and just held him. I hate (a word I hardly ever use) that he is hurting and I can't do anything to take it away. My mom said a couple weeks ago that she feels the same way about me hurting. As moms we hate to see our kids sad or hurt, we want to kiss the pain away. He hasn't really taken me up on my offers to discuss Felicity at any length. I hope the day soon comes when he will feel comfortable enough to ask questions and tell me more about how he's feeling, but for now I don't push the issue.

Today after church we went to Felicity's grave and put some fake flowers in the ground, all pink, of course. I wanted to have something marking it during the winter since we won't get her headstone in place until next spring. While we were there, I saw another grave had been dug. It was a small one and no one at church has lost a baby or child, so I wonder who will be buried there. Death is very real to me now. I NEVER thought that I would bury my child. I've anticipated with great anxiety the death of my maternal grandparents and my parents, but I never thought I'd lose a child! I believe wholeheartedly that God is sovereign, but it will ease this great pain in my heart to be able to ask Him "Why?" someday.

I am working on "Felicity's Story" and hope to post it on Thursday. I hope it will help other moms who find themselves reading it. I'm also working on a section on how to help someone who's grieving. For those of you who've never experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth or loss of a child, I hope you find information with which you can help those you know or will meet who experience such pain.

Thank you for your continued prayers! Your prayers have helped us so much in these past 4 weeks.


Anonymous said...

Hi, Rachel,
I've never met you but my family and I have been praying for you this past month.
Here is a website of a woman in your same situation; her daughter is named Felicity too.
On the side under categories there are two tabs named Felicity and Grief that you might find helpful.
May God show himself faithful to you and your family in this difficult time,

Rachel said...

Thanks Bethany for your prayers! I am aware of the Pipers and the loss of their daughter Felicity last year. I feel so sad, knowing all the people who have lost babies. I think I was oblivious to so much before this happened. I pray God gives me greater compassion for others who are grieving!

joolee said...

Your package is in the mail.....FINALLY!

Amy said...

Just checking in to see how you are. Lots of prayers are still coming your way.