It's only been five weeks and I'm already having trouble remembering. . .
remembering the weight of Felicity's almost ten pound body cradled in my arms. . .
remembering the smell of her hair and skin through my stuffed up nose. . .
remembering the feeling of her soft, smooth skin and how chubby her cheeks were. . .
remembering the feel of her hair and her fingers wrapped around mine. . .
I'm trying so hard to remember and yet, I wish I could just forget. . .
forget that this is my life. . .
forget this empty feeling in my body because she's not with me. . .
forget this intense sadness in every moment. . .
But I'd much rather have sadness and pain in my memories than no memories at all!
Downsizing Update: Almost 5 Years Later
3 days ago
3 comments:
Rachel, it has been over 6 years and I still find great sadness in the things I can not remember about my Mother. It is a different grief, but I can tell you eventually these moments of intense sadness have more time between them. It doesn't help much to hear it, but still...
On a different note. Yes, you watched us for at least one night as teens. I think Joolee got to have you there because my sister had many friends sleeping over. I remember that I finished a quilt that night and both you and Joolee were impressed. Strange the things I remember.
Thanks Kim! Obviously, we won't ever forget the ones we love and have lost, but the holes in our memories grow bigger as time passes. I can't imagine not having my mom and I'm sure you struggle with not having your mom alive to see your boys! Death changes those it leaves behind, but we, as believers, have so much hope. I can imagine your reunion someday with your mom and how gloriously happy it will be. Was it this time of year that she died?
Thank you for sharing Felicity's story with us. In my experience, the weight of grief affected my short term memory. I think it was a way of protecting me from being overwhelmed with memories. The memories come back at different times and I treasure each one. My mind has begun to edit them so that I remember the things that tug at my heart as opposed to break my heart over and over again. It was too difficult to rehash the pain, so after time I began to focus on the images that made me smile and feel connected to Chloe. It is a hard, long journey. I'm so sorry that you are on it. I pray that you will feel God's peace and the comfort of His love each moment. He is with you.
Hugs to you today.
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