Monday, December 1, 2008

Dear Felicity


Dear Felicity,


Oh, how I miss you! I'm crying right now, barely able to see the computer through my tears. My whole body aches because I want to hold you so badly and I can't. I can't believe you'd be 8 weeks old today. I'm feeling your absence more and more every day. You used to seem like a dream, but as each day goes by, that dream-like feeling fades.


I imagine you in heaven all the time. What do you look like? Are you still a baby or a toddler already? I won't know until we're together, but I imagine you there as a little girl with dark brown hair and big brown eyes walking through a beautiful garden, like a painting we have on our wall. Jesus said not to hinder the little children for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these. So I picture you as a child, innocent and trusting, basking in the love of Jesus, who can love you far better than I can, though I would've given it everything I had.


Can you hear me from heaven? Can you hear me telling you how much I miss you as I try to fall asleep each night? Do you hear me crying? Consider each tear a hug from your Mama. I am so glad that you're happy in heaven! Ethan talks about you more now. He was so sad you had to leave us. Every time I cry, Elijah comes to hug me and says, "Are you beddar now, Mama?" We talk about you all the time. We wonder what kinds of sounds you would've made. We wonder if you would've grown up to be a tomboy (Daddy thinks so) or a girly-girl. We have your pictures everywhere in our house because we love you so much! It gives us so much happiness to look at you.


I'm so anxious to be with you, dear girl. I'm trying to wait patiently, but it's hard. I just know that whatever suffering and sadness I experience here on earth, will be nothing compared to the absolute JOY we'll experience with you in heaven.


I have something big to ask you Felicity. I don't know if you can ask Jesus this or not, but if it's okay with you, could you ask him to send us another baby. Our arms are so empty and you're not here to fill them. We could never replace you, but we'd love to have your baby brother or sister to hold. We miss you and love you so much. You'll always be our first baby girl. I'm so thankful for you!


Hugs and kisses,

Mommy


8 comments:

joolee said...

*sob*
I will ask God for you.

Megan said...

rachel....what a beautiful little girl. we have so much more to look forward to in Heaven, don't we. let me recommend, if you have not already read, Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It brought me to my knees in praise several times when recalling my sweet boy. I have added you to my site, I hope to have you let others know about how i serve, via memory boxes. Please send me your sddrss in my email so I can have the honor of sending one to you as well.

i would like to ask, on a personal note....is there a scripture that sings to you in your pain more then others. I am having a silent auction fund raiser in just 2 weeks, and hope to ahve families give input to share with those joining us.

thank you for reaching out. our little ones are perfect, with God and waiting to meet us. I look forward to hearing from you....Megan

Meredith said...

Rachel,

I have come across your blog through Heidi's and Lindsey's blogs (Heidi and I live in the same town, and Lindsey is a college friend of one of my dear friends).

I read your words with tears in my eyes, feeling like even though I haven't been through your experience, I can feel your ache. It's deep, isn't it? Jesus is carrying you, and he is the only way you can continue to walk this road.

I am so sorry that you are not holding Felicity in your arms. She certainly has a dear mama. I'm praying for you, your husband, and your boys.

Kimberly said...

Rachel,

Even though we don't know each other, I have commented on your blog before. Your faith continues to amaze me!

I was thinking back to last year when I miscarried, and there was always the same music I would listen to. It was by Paul Cardall, and his music brought such a calming, peaceful feel to my home. In a way, it made me feel closer to heaven, closer to the baby I lost.

I just wanted to share with you what brought me a little bit of heaven during such a hard time in my life. His song's titled "Hope", and "Monday Morning" were especially helpful. You can read about those songs on his website, as well as his blog. I hope it helps!
http://www.paulcardall.com/

Love,
Kimberly

Mrs. Jo said...

Thank you for sharing your wisdom on my post about loss. I am soooo, sooo sorry for the enormous loss you have recently experienced. I'm crying now as I read your beautiful letter to your daughter! I pray that God fills your arms soon with another child, not that any child could ever replace the loss of Felicity.

melissa said...

I will pray that God grants you another baby in His time! I had our 2nd son 11 months after Matthias died, and although now looking back that seems like a very short time to wait, at that time it felt like forever. I know you know, that no other child will bring back or replace Felicity! But another child can ease that ache of empty arms. May God bless you with a house full of children, Rachel, and the patience to wait for the one in heaven. You are much on my heart this Christmas season. I am so sorry she is not with you.

Anonymous said...

Tomorrow morning is Monday. I, too, will never forget...Monday mornings. Now renamed in my heart, Felicity Monday. I too will continue to ask God for another precious gift...an eternal treasure...a baby to fill your arms and be a sign of God's comforting you.
Maureen

Anonymous said...

I prayed for you to have the twin girls I've been longing for. :) A Felicity and a Faith. I hope and pray you get them both. <3 My 1st born daughter's name is Faith too.