This month and last month I have attended a support group for bereaved parents. It is not a faith based support group, but I have found it interesting and helpful so far. I am the only person who has lost a baby; everyone else I have met there, had their child for 10, 15, even 30+ years. While these people have been generous with hugs, understanding of my tears, and compassionate to my feelings, I feel like they are walking down a completely different path than me.
When you have 10 years or more with your child, you are missing a personality, a smile, a laugh, and a voice. I am missing Felicity, but I knew none of these things about her. I feel strange sometimes when the physical ache of missing her comes over my body and I have to have a good cry. I feel like I shouldn't be crying, because I don't know what I'm missing. Is my grief journey easier b/c I didn't know Felicity outside my womb? In many ways I think so. I don't want to discount Felicity's life or my grief, but I can only imagine how much sadder I'd be if I had lost her after knowing her for a longer period. How do I do this? How do I grieve a person I never really knew? I'm learning how as I go.
I'm learning that grief is SO different for every person. It depends on a lot of different factors. Grief for me is FULL of hope. When I say that, it doesn't mean I don't cry, don't get angry, or don't get overwhelmed at times with emotions and wonder why this had to happen to Felicity and our family. What it does mean is that I don't have to wonder where Felicity is. I don't have to wonder IF I'll see her again. Grief with HOPE means I can know that Felicity's in heaven and that we'll be reunited someday when the trump sounds and the dead in Christ shall rise. Grief with HOPE means I can cry some days and not on others. It means I can laugh and love and still remember my daughter. It means I can be enveloped by the Holy Spirit and feel comfort from God. And most importantly, grief with HOPE means that I can give others hope by sharing my REASON for hope - Jesus Christ.
Please pray for us that we would be joyful and bold in our faith. We want God to be glorified as Felicity's legacy. Please pray for comfort when we don't feel joyful. Thank you for all your kindness during this time.