Thursday, April 2, 2009


I have to be honest - I'm dealing with a lot of anger the last couple of days. The feeling seems heightened this morning as Ethan began a barrage of questions about Easter. He wanted to know what we were doing, where we would be, who might be coming over. I don't have the answer to any of these questions right now and as I stared at the calendar, all I could see was next Monday, April 6th, where I had written "missing Felicity for 6 months."

I don't want people to think that just because I have faith in Jesus Christ, that I haven't dealt with the normal emotions/stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While I may not have had some of the extremes of these stages, I have dealt with them all to some degree. These stages don't necessarily flow in order. They can occur in just about any combination, repeat any number of times, and continue for years. I'm no expert on the subject, but I can clearly identify with these stages.

I'm angry lately - angry at someone close to me who pushed her agenda in disregard to my emotional situation, angry at the economic climate, angry with my boys' behavior, angry with myself and poor choices I make. I AM ANGRY THAT MY BABIES ARE DEAD! And you know what, I think it's okay for me to be angry. The Bible says that I'm not to sin in my anger though and right now I'm fighting the urge to just blow up! I'd love to have a kicking, screaming, crying tantrum. And considering the ones I've seen in my mothering career, I think I could do it pretty well.

Please pray for me today. Pray that I would be able to hand my anger to Jesus. Pray for a restored relationship with someone who hurt me and continues to hurt me because she doesn't want to change. Pray I can love my boys and train them and not take my anger out on them in any way. Pray for peace in my heart instead of this feeling of chaos and anger. THANK YOU!


Molly Koop said...

I just wanted to let you know that I'm right there with you in this regard today and the last few days. And I agree that although faith in Christ lessens the blow and brings some peace, I want my baby back. And also, I'm absolutely dreading Holy Week because I just don't want to walk that road right now. I hate being vulnerable with my emotions-especially in front of a lot of people.
I'm blessed to have you in my life even though the circumstances that brought us together we would wish away if given a chance.

Sara said...

I completly relate to the anger issue as well. Wooh, it can be powerful. Sometimes I get so mad at people who are soooo insensitive and am still really trying to navigate how to deal with that, not to let it eat away at me, yet when you are exposed to it repeatedly... it really wears on me, fires me up, and emotionally exhausts me.

Just 2 days ago, Louis came out and asked me, "Mom, does God get mad at me, when I am mad at him?" Oh, such real questions, I knew exactly why he was asking and we talked about it. Why God allowed it to happen, when He is capable of anything. Tough situations.

I will be praying for you, will you pray for me as well. I don't want to grow bitter towards people at all through this. I will pray for patience as you deal with the boys and for continued healing for your heart. I will be thinking and praying for you on Monday. You are precious Rachel. God has a plan for our lives. Keep clinging to Him. I am glad to know some specifics to pray for:)

Persuaded said...

praying for you dear♥

i went through a phase of feeling very angry at certain challenges in my life... but i'm not angry anymore. it did pass.. it does pass- just thought that might be of some small comfort to you today ((hugs))

Jennifer Ross said...

It's ok to be angry. I get angry. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs sometimes. We think about our children everyday, it gets built up, and we need to let it out. We're angry because we love them so much. Having to burry your child is one of the most devastating things a parent can go through. I'm praying for you, and here if you need to talk.


Ebe said...

Angry with you...

I'm sorry there is such reason to be
angry. I'm sorry.
Praying for you today, Rachel.


Sara said...

I completely understand what you wrote on my post... feel good for someone one minute, crash and burn the next. I feel for you so deeply. It hurts sooooo badly at times... a lot of the time. We had the other pastor at church just have a baby and my 3 oldest right away said, "Why did their baby get to live?" It just pains me, how can you not have the questions we have. Rachel, I can't wait till we can see what the Lord has for us down the road. I love that you said that is what you want for both of us... ME TOO:) Praying for you right now. Love to you from OK.

Marisa said...

I think I'd be angry, too.

Hang in there, mama.

Hoping you find gimmers of peace, just when you need them most...

April Z said...

I'm praying for you. I wish you weren't on this journey, but I know that God will do his refining work and bring something good out of the situation. God brought me through what seemed like a long stage of anger after Noah's death. I wish there was something I could say to help, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Jennifer said...


I am so sorry for your losses. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful! She is in heaven with my son, Kyler.

It is okay to be angry. I pray that God will comfort you with his love. You are not alone in your pain and sadness. Jesus alone knows all that you are experiencing, and so many moms in the world are grieving over the losses of their children. I'm praying for you! It says in Psalms that weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.