Friday, April 3, 2009

Barrier

Thanks for your prayers - I think I feel them working, but I need more. The last 19 hours (minus the 10 I spent sleeping) have been a roller coaster. I returned home yesterday from an appointment and errands and there was a message on our machine. It was a good friend calling to say she'd had her baby early that morning.

I hadseen her the night before and her baby girl was born just 5 hours after I saw her. It was a wonderful homebirth. My first reaction was extreme happiness - I KNEW she was going to have a girl. Then just minutes after that I crashed BIG TIME! I quickly became a sobbing, crying, emotional mess! All that was going through my mind was "why not me?" I spent all afternoon struggling with my emotional state, while still trying to do all my mom responsibilities.

I'm so happy for my friend! She is a beautiful person who has had much suffering in her own life. She lost triplet boys almost half way through a pregnancy, had another miscarriage, and lost her two and a half year old son about 11 years ago due to illness. (She also has five other living children - 6 now with this as of yet unnamed baby girl.) After Felicity died, this friend was someone who just knew how to talk to both Paul and I. She knew what questions to ask and understood our grief.

So, it's really hard for me to understand why I'm feeling this way. I literally feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin at any moment. My heart races at times and I feel like yelling at someone one moment and crying out the next. Is it because this is the first baby girl I know of to be born? Is it because she was born at home? I don't know. But I'm realizing that this was bound to happen sooner or later. Things had been calm for too long. There's a lot of busyness going on in my life right now, plus that broken relationship I mentioned in my last post. Paul and I aren't always on the same page lately either. Nothing major, but it makes everything feel more disjointed.

I'm still searching for peace. And to be truthful, I haven't spent enough time lately talking to God. There's a bit of a barrier there that I'm trying to break down. So, please continue to pray!

6 comments:

Sharleen said...

Praying for you Rachel. I think that is the whole thing with grief and how it shows up....sometimes it does not always makes sense and we end up having more questions than answers on why we reacted the way we did. I can relate with a lot of your feelings and struggles, sister. (((hugs)))

Persuaded said...

praying dear♥

Billi Jo said...

Doing what I can to fill in the gap for you, my friend.

Jennifer Ross said...

Praying for you..... I remember after Isaiah passed away, I found out that my cousin was pregnant. She was one of my OB nurses during my labor with Isaiah. I found out about two weeks after. It killed me, and still does. Even though I'm pregnant now, I still feel so much pain when I see pregnant women. I don't know why, it's really weird. I will never be the same person I was before I burried my son.

thinking of you often,
Jenny

Anonymous said...

I came across your blog just a few days ago and have been praying for you so much, sending you a big hug, and contunied prayers.Jen

Sara said...

Praying for that barrier to be broken down... I can relate to that as well. I spent probably 3 hours in the middle of the night in despair last night. Greg was praying over me... honestly, it was hours before I felt some comfort. I love you Rachel... even though I have never met you. I am so thankful for my new"internet" friends, that includes you. It helps me not feel so alone. Boy, I wonder if this 6 month time frame is so difficult for most? I am praying for you. I will be thinking of you especially on Monday. Keep persevering and trusting.
Sara