Sunday, April 19, 2009

Laying it on the Line and at The Throne

This grief stuff is way beyond my comprehension and my abilities. I can't even begin to find words to describe how rough the last three days have been. I'm afraid to even share the depth of what we've dealt with the last three days. One bright spot is that Felicity's headstone is in! I was there last Saturday, but it wasn't there. Then Paul went out to the cemetary before church this morning and it was there. It's beautiful, just like our daughter. How we miss her so!

I'm continuing to deal with a lot of anger, which winds up being lashed out on Paul. I've prayed and prayed, giving it to God, but always wind up feeling angry again in just a short period of time. Am I really giving it up? Am I giving it up only to take it back again? I don't know. I just know I'm weak and tired and confused and I feel so alone.

How can I feel alone? I'm not alone - many of you reading this are right there with me in your grief and Paul is right here with me, but yet, I feel alone.

We spent a lot of time praying this weekend and we really felt like God was working on us and helping us, only to be attacked again later by the same issues. Paul has prayed over all of us and my parents joined us tonight for prayer.

Despite the prayer, I just feel this huge gaping hole in my life.

I feel so broken.

Paul read this quote tonight during devotions:

"Comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth- only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

I think I've been seeking comfort instead of Truth.

Please pray that I will seek Truth.


Sara said...

Oh Rachel, I am praying for you. I am going to send you a message on facebook. Keep persevering friend.

Ebe said...

I'm so sorry this past few days have been so overwhelming and rough.

This grief stuff is so hard.
I've always been able to articulate what I think and feel, but losing Owen put a wrench in that capability.

Seeking Truth instead of comfort- that's such a good point.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with praying to be comforted by His Holy Spirit and feel God's presence.

I'm praying for you,

Sharleen said...

Praying for you my dear sisiter. That is wonderful that Felicity's headstone is in...did that bring up a lot of grief itself? I know what you mean by feeling alone...I feel that constantly. I guess because no two people grieve the same way and it's so easy to try and look for comfort from another person, but they always tend to fall short. Everytime I do that I am disappointed. Praying for comfort AND truth for you from the only One who can give it...Jesus!

Jennifer Ross said...

That's a great quote! Finding the truth in things does bring comfort. The truth that we are looking for is, why? We won't know until we are in heaven. The truth that we cling to is knowing where are precious children are. We are all here together, lifting one another up, clinging to the "truth". Thinking of you...

Sara said...

Rachel, I sent you a message last night on Facebook. Did you get it? I am just checking in today to see how you are. I am praying that you are feeling a little relief from the deep intensity of grieving. I know it is always there, at least it is for me, but sometimes not as intensely as others. I am praying for you today. Sending love from Oklahoma. By the way, I get the alone thing too, I have never felt so alone in my life. I think it is because really not that many people can relate. But I am here for you however you need me to be. Praying for you right now.

Bethany said...

dear rachel,
i am praying for you.

always remember - He is big enough to handle our doubts, and our confused thrashings against Him. they do not faze Him for one moment. He can handle it.

our pain and rejection does not deter Him.
a faintly burning wick He does not extinguish.

know in your mind that His love for you does not fade or waver even when it feels like it's extinguished for many a dark night. week. month. year.

cling to it in your mind, even when the heart feels the exact opposite. because it is Truth, no matter how false, irrational, nonsensical, confusing, painful, contradictory, impossible it seems.

it does not dissipate even when we can not bear hearing that it is Truth, because it seems to hard to hear, and know, "if He really does love me, why me? now? this?"

i'm not trying to preach to you, dear sister.
just struggling along this same road of human brokenness in a non-eternal home,
praying for you,

Bethany said...

ps - and please, if anything i ever say is not helpful or is discouraging to you, please tell me, so that i know. and know if it is, it was not meant to be that.