This grief stuff is way beyond my comprehension and my abilities. I can't even begin to find words to describe how rough the last three days have been. I'm afraid to even share the depth of what we've dealt with the last three days. One bright spot is that Felicity's headstone is in! I was there last Saturday, but it wasn't there. Then Paul went out to the cemetary before church this morning and it was there. It's beautiful, just like our daughter. How we miss her so!
I'm continuing to deal with a lot of anger, which winds up being lashed out on Paul. I've prayed and prayed, giving it to God, but always wind up feeling angry again in just a short period of time. Am I really giving it up? Am I giving it up only to take it back again? I don't know. I just know I'm weak and tired and confused and I feel so alone.
How can I feel alone? I'm not alone - many of you reading this are right there with me in your grief and Paul is right here with me, but yet, I feel alone.
We spent a lot of time praying this weekend and we really felt like God was working on us and helping us, only to be attacked again later by the same issues. Paul has prayed over all of us and my parents joined us tonight for prayer.
Despite the prayer, I just feel this huge gaping hole in my life.
I feel so broken.
Paul read this quote tonight during devotions:
"Comfort is the one thing you cannot get by looking for it. If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end; if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth- only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair." C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity
I think I've been seeking comfort instead of Truth.
Please pray that I will seek Truth.
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