Sunday, January 10, 2010

Agony of Anticipation

It's in the air. You can feel it, literally I think, if you were to step into our home. I'm crabby and tired and overwhelmed physically, mentally, and emotionally. Paul's struggling to try to survive in a house where everything is slacking and he has to remind me he's wearing his last pair of clean boxers. The boys just continue to bounce off the walls, with all the unstructured free time and videos. I have no energy to do anything it seems.

This morning I kept having flashbacks to this point in my pregnancy with Felicity. I was anticipating a baby to arrive at anytime, considering that both boys were "early." I was crabby then too. It's hard not to be when you're tired all the time, your clothes barely fit, and you just want to be able to breathe again. Needless to say, thinking back to those days wasn't easy and did not improve my already emotional mood.

I told myself (and continue to do so) that I can overcome these negative feelings. I seem to pray about it constantly and remind myself that hormones play a big part of it. And I tell myself that I've never been here before. I've never been this close to having my baby in my arms after having just 15 months ago buried my last baby. And I'll be honest, I'm not quite sure how to do this, other than very ungracefully.

Add to all these emotional issues, the physical aspects of the way I've been feeling the past week. I felt better on Thursday and Friday, but Saturday and today, I've had a horrid headache. They checked my blood pressure again on Friday at Caleb's MCA scan and it's gone up a bit more, so it'll be interesting to see where it's at when I go to my regular doc tomorrow. I've never had preeclampsia issues with my other babies, but we've entered many new territories during this pregnancy.

I had hoped to do some "fun" posts here, but honestly don't have it in me these past few days. Maybe things will perk up this week. I appreciate all your prayers!



Heidi said...

No one is waiting for fun posts from you Rachel, except maybe you and your expectations.

Years one and two post Kenna were equally challanging in their own rights, even after Kylee was born. In some ways the second year was worse because I was out of the fog of grief and I could think again and I didn't like what I saw. I did a ton of self evaluation and reflections. Everyone told me year three would be the year that things started to get better. So far (and I'm almost half way through), I think they are right.

I guess what I'm telling you is to breathe. Which I know you are doing, but it never hurts to hear a reminder.

Some would tell you to lower your expectations. I'm not going to tell you to lower your expectations of yourself (they are part of who you are), but I am going to tell you to make it about baby steps, not one giant leap back to where you where 2 years ago.

You are in our family prayers each and every day. People at our church are praying for you by name as well. Along with many who read this blog.

You are special and loved. I pray that you know that as well as everyone else does.

Ebe said...

I can't imagine all the thoughts and feelings that must be swimming around in your head right now. I have a lot of those same thoughts and emotions, but we are still waiting 3.5/4 months to bring home our girl Hannah. You are just days away and I am sure your anxiety is peaking and the memories are flooding your mind.

We pray every night for you and Caleb. I know I say that in every comment I leave, but it's the truth and I love it when people tell me that they pray for us regularly.

love and huge hugs and many prayers,

Tonya said...

I, too, am praying for you and Caleb. Hope you get a good report from the doctor tomorrow.

Love and blessings,

Molly Koop said...

When I have more than a few seconds to type a comment, I'll send you a more personal note. I just wanted to empathize with you a bit here. I always promise not to get "that way" towards the end and then I discover that my hormones take over and there's so much I can't help. If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't take me being end of pregnancy for my dear husband to tell me he's out of t-shirts. I've bought him enough underwear to survive months just so I don't have to hear he's out of those anymore. :) I, too, have an OB appt today and I'm very nervous. I can't seem to get into a spot where I feel like things just might be ok this time. And as I near Jude's due date, I offer my grief for the final days of your pregnancy, for your health, for Caleb's health, and for a beautiful, uneventful delivery. Hang in there, friend. And don't be ashamed to put in another movie for the boys!

Morgan said...

It sounds like you're really close to having Caleb. I hope that during these final days of pregnancy are uneventful and peaceful!